5 Year Relationship(Engaged) In Flames - Plz Help

[Nunyaface]

I will try to give a very condensed version without missing many beats.

 

Our relationship started very well, within a year we were engaged and promised to get married once we finished our school and had jobs (aka were settled and prepared to throw down roots). We go on to be engaged 2 years living in Gainesville. Everything is fine and we are very much in love. We see her family all the time and go out with friends frequently.

 

Then she works for a year, at a job that doesn't require her degree. She's unhappy. She wants to go to Grad school, but the University in Gainesville didn't accept her and she would have to move to Tampa to do so. I support her, and drop everything (job/hobbies/friends/school/etc) to go with her to Tampa. This is where the problems begin. Over time I hit a funk, I lose interest in hobbies, slowly all my hobbies decay. I become a ghost that just haunts our apartment doing nothing. No job, car, school is nonexistent, I just do less and less. I stop going out, I don't want to do anything other than be home. My family sends me money every month to help pay for my part of the bills. Don't get me wrong, our sex life was fine etc. She does give up hanging out with friends and the sort because she doesn't want to leave me home alone because she assumes I'll get angry. I even told her "even if it does upset me to be home alone, you should go." She refuses.

 

A year into living in Tampa she wants to break up because she feels it's for the best for both of us. We talk and decide to stay together and work it out. I struggle, things get better, but I eventually fall back into my funk. Almost a year later, (last June) she has another "break up" talk with me on a Tuesday. Again, we say we'll stay together. This time I'm hell bent on making lasting changes and to stop being so worthless. 3 days go by of date nights and spending time together. We're happy and she tells me she loves me and she's happy she stayed. Friday morning, things are looking great, we have sex, and are seemingly going to make it.

 

Then there's a knock at the door, it's her mother. She demands to take her to brunch, so she goes. (Note that later on at my friends' suggestion I check the phone bills to see if she called the mom to come "rescue" her. There are no calls between her and her mom on any of our lines or texts either to any of her numbers) When she returns, the mother tells me that "she's leaving with me" and refuses to let us talk. When my fiance tries to speak to me the mother says "It's time to go" and grabs her by the arm, she screams and cries like I've never seen before, but I let them go because I don't want to force her to stay to talk (I'm not crazy). We're both 26 years old, so it blew my mind a little.

 

She tells me she will call when she gets to her mothers so I know she's safe. No call ever comes. I call the next day to the mother's house, the mother answers and quickly tears me a new one. "Go back to Nicaragua, when you have a job you can think about being with her." (I was born in the USA, the mother was just being hurtful if not ignorant) To which I submissively say "But we're in love, doesn't that mean anything?" She responds "Love doesn't pay the bills" and promptly ends the phone call. The father is far nicer, and to this day continues to speak to me on a regular basis. He likes me and wishes it would work out. My ex-fiance spends roughly a week at her mother's then goes to a study-abroad course in Switzerland 2 weeks, and takes an extra week to go backpacking with a girlfriend.

 

After a bit of limited contact, we went full no contact. It's been over a month of absolutely no contact, (I didn't want to reach out to her while she was abroad) and I sent her a message on facebook where I say "Hey, I saw and it put a smile on my face. I hope your trip to Switzerland is great!" That was yesterday, and I don't expect a response because her dad says she is not back yet and he himself hasn't spoken to her in 4 days because there is no signal on her phone where she is.

 

During the time apart, I followed through on my promise to make lasting improvements on myself. I moved back to Gainesville (I have no reason to live in Tampa if I'm not in a relationship with her), got a new job, new apartment, new car (remember I didn't even have a driver's license a month ago). I became social again, even going to an amazing lakehouse for 5 days (July 4th celebration). Pictures of the festivities were posted on facebook. (I'm not trying to use them as a badge, I didn't ask anyone to take/put the pics up). I'm also going with some friends to Islands of Adventure tomorrow morning.

 

I also got counseling that helped me get perspective on the issues in our relationship. For example, an issue we had is she really wants to travel but I'm apathetic about it. After discussing it with the counselor I realized that I was apathetic because in my youth I got to travel every year spring/summer/winter break. I have seen much of the world, so I'm over it. She has not had a chance to, and I was being selfish by not realizing this.

 

I truly do believe if we got another chance at it we could make it in the long run.

 

I don't know what to do, I'm a bit of a coward in the sense that I couldn't handle it if she began dating someone else. So before that happens I want to cut all ties (facebook deletion, email blocking, phone # changing) but I want to give her some kind of window to talk to me before I do that. We were together 5 years, and she was amazing. I just ruined everything during our time in Tampa by falling apart on her. (I was depressed from giving up basically my entire life to move with her to Tampa). I would even be willing to do long distance with her while we finished up our education, something she knows I have refused to do with previous girls.

 

Again, I really do think another chance is all we'd need, but it's not in my hands. I don't know what to do and it's hard for me to just turn my back on 5 years because I know once I do that, even if she does reach out to me, once I'm committed to forgetting her I'm going to stick to it, no matter how much it breaks my heart.

 

 

 

Any advice? I really want this to work out, but I can't wait forever.

[Nunyaface]

Quick addition: In addition to the changes to my lifestyle I've listed above, I'm back in school as well and beating the brakes off my classes to finish my degree ASAP.

[Nunyaface]

I really need help in this. I don't have many friends I trust in this department since my friends are very much "hit it and quit it" so they don't understand what it's like to truly love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them.

[Nunyaface]

Sorry to keep bumping this, did I do something wrong in the OP? lol

[Tom1990]

Did your ex ever clarify why the breakup occurred? Was it her mother's decision? What was the extent of your contact? Did you get the feeling your ex wanted you to fight for you or whatever? That's some pretty intense stuff, and I have a feeling there's lots behind the scenes that you can't control.

[abitbroken]

Count your blessings. If she had a controlling family with a mother who would interfere, it would have been even worse during your marriage. I am glad that you got things on track the way you needed them to. I would unfriend her on Facebook and change your settings so only friends can see your updates and photos. If she really wanted to, she could still search for you and message you but cannot see your updates =or you could just block her completely.

 

I would not change my phone number. You have old friends, family, classmates, etc, or even places you forgot had your number and it might prevent you from getting a call you really would have wanted if you had the number a long time. Don't give her that power. If you want, program her number in and make it so it goes right to voicemail.

[mhowe]

I'm not sure how you two can live together, at age 26, when neither of you is truly working. She was, but went back to school --- you are living off your parents and now back in school.

 

I would say neither of you is ready to be in a relationship.

[Nunyaface]

Did your ex ever clarify why the breakup occurred? Was it her mother's decision? What was the extent of your contact? Did you get the feeling your ex wanted you to fight for you or whatever? That's some pretty intense stuff, and I have a feeling there's lots behind the scenes that you can't control.

 

Your guess is as good as mine. She flip flopped so fast in such short time spans it spun my head. Tuesday wants to quit it, tuesday afternoon back on the horse, friday morning happy she stayed, friday afternoon wants to leave, saturday says she still in love (Quote: "I love you so much it frustrates me how inadequate those words are to describe how I feel about you) but then wants to be "single but not see other people." IMO she's undecided and is letting everyone else tell her what to do.

 

 

I'm not sure how you two can live together, at age 26, when neither of you is truly working. She was, but went back to school --- you are living off your parents and now back in school.

 

I would say neither of you is ready to be in a relationship.

 

In Gainesville I had a job, when we moved to Tampa and I got into my funk I never got a job and for the first time I just took money from my family. The idea you can't be in a relationship until you're in your career seems to disqualify a ton of relationships that exist, but this seems to be besides the point.

 

Count your blessings. If she had a controlling family with a mother who would interfere, it would have been even worse during your marriage. I am glad that you got things on track the way you needed them to. I would unfriend her on Facebook and change your settings so only friends can see your updates and photos. If she really wanted to, she could still search for you and message you but cannot see your updates =or you could just block her completely.

 

I would not change my phone number. You have old friends, family, classmates, etc, or even places you forgot had your number and it might prevent you from getting a call you really would have wanted if you had the number a long time. Don't give her that power. If you want, program her number in and make it so it goes right to voicemail.

 

Funnily enough the dad is being really nice to me. We talk on the phone around once a week, just chit chatting, sometimes I tell him what I've been up to. Over the course of the exchanges he knows now I have a car/job/back in school finishing my degree but I always keep suspecting in the back of my mind he's playing "good cop" to the mother's "bad cop" but I don't want to let paranoia ruin a friendship, even one as strange as this one.

 

I decided to unfriend her on facebook. Mostly to protect myself from seeing her pictures from Europe start streaming in, and to avoid the inevitable "she is in a relationship" down the line. Cowardly, but at this point if she's cutting all ties I've got to look out for myself. If she wants to talk, she knows my number/email/can message me. And despite me wanting to talk to her and tell her how I've improved and come out of my funk, if she doesn't care (not even enough to ask if I was ok or managed to find a place or what I'm doing etc) then what's the point? If she doesn't love me anymore, what would I be fighting for?

 

I hope I did the right thing unfriending her. I feel like if she got the urge to message me and went to do it and sees I've unfriended her she will change her mind thinking "Oh he doesn't want to talk to me" despite it making no sense. (I message her, but since she doesn't want to respond and I'm the one who doesn't want to talk?) but I can't keep making excuses for her and realize I need to start looking out for #1 for the first time in a very long time. I won't be changing my number because I feel like that it's more trouble than it's worth.

 

I'm also lining up a couple of dates. Not seeking anything serious, just to get my feet wet I suppose. I'd love to keep hearing all your thoughts/opinions, and I'll keep you all posted on what's going on.

[mhowe]

My point about being in a relationship w/ out a job relates to your age. You can have highschool dating and college romances. I am not sure what to call it when one person takes money from their parent, and purposely does not seek employment -- while the other goes to schoool, again, presumably on the parents money. I guess it is an extension of a college romance -- where neither participant is living in reality.

 

Being in a relationship involves being responsible -- to each other and to yourself.

 

So, again I say --- don't see that at your ages, either of you is ready.

[Nunyaface]

So the next morning after removing her from facebook I kept feeling bad I didn't "say goodbye" before doing it. So I wrote out what should have been a short goodbye email and it turned into a gigantic 2 page cheesy letter basically telling her "I still care and wish she'd let me show her what I have done/am willing to do, but if she doesn't care anymore I'll respect her decision and unless she contacts me I won't bother her anymore."

 

As expected, no reply. It's going to be a rough couple of days, I think. Her birthday is in October, and I can't help but find myself thinking if I should shoot her a "Happy birthday" or not (I know that's dumb/crazy). I know that a lot can change between now and then, but I can't help curiosities like the from creeping into my mind when I'm not busy. I think I should stick to my word and never message her again if she doesn't ever reply, and I'm just going to have to deal with the "what ifs" of "What if she just deleted the email to try to stick to NC" and "What if I had contacted her in October she might have been more receptive" etc.

 

All your thoughts/opinions are greatly appreciated.

[Nunyaface]

I hate to keep self-bumping, but I truly would like more feedback from people outside looking in who aren't bias because they are "my friend/family" or "her friend/family"

[abitbroken]

I think that you should curtail your discussions with her dad because you are hoping that the info gets back to her and it is preventing you from moving forward. I only know of one other person who successfully had a separate relationship with an ex's dad and it was because the couple were young and felt they were more like brother/sister and the guy shared the dad's interests and actually met his ex gf through her dad because they were a part of the same club. You have to examine if you genuinely are friends with the dad - or are you just talking to him because of her. Either way, it might be good to not talk to him so much.

 

I really think that if she suddenly just left like that - you are doing yourself a favor by not contacting her. She could have just ended it in a mature way and had a discussion rather than what she has done.

 

I honestly would move on and take time to heal. Unfriending her is a good step. You can't make someone want you who doesn't. I know you want to think that she really wants you and her mother took her against her will, but she could have very well encouraged her mom - and if she really wanted to stay, she would have and told her mom that she wouldn't.

 

You have to let the dust settle and keep on with your life. I know its hard. But it seems there are a lot of issues there.

[Nunyaface]

I actually was thinking the same thing about the dad. He was really nice to me when everyone else on "her side" just turned their back to me (or worse in the case of her mother). We haven't just talked about her either. Like I said, I told him what I was up to like he told me what he was doing. He went to a concert in Orlando, I had a crazy day at the car dealership (so he will then know about my car, not that I just told him "Hey, I have a car now!") Stuff like that.

 

A part of me really likes talking to him, but another suspects you may be right and he's just another way of me clinging on to hope. The dad himself gave me the advice "This isn't going to fix itself fast or easy, it's going to take months. And I don't mean 2 months, I mean like 4-6 months before you should try reaching out or you will just end up pushing her away." He went through a similar thing and he says he feels for me because he knows how I feel. I want to believe that, not that he's just playing "good cop" to get me to leave his daughter alone.

 

The thing that hurts the most is how she told me she loved me up until the day she left, and then now is so easily turning her back on everything. Not even a peep, just straight up doesn't care anymore. That hurts the worst, her not caring at all while I would boil the oceans and scorch the surface of this planet to be given a chance to show her the "new me."

 

That's life I suppose.

[Nunyaface]

I woke up today and can't shake 'that' haunting question. The "Will we ever get back together?" question. I truly care for that girl, and wish it didn't take a wake up call of this magnitude to get my ass in gear or that I had somehow convinced her to let me show her the "new me." The one she met 5 years ago who had all his ducks in a row and fell in love with. Anyone have any advice?

[Nunyaface]

Relapsing I guess... I miss her. I find myself hoping we end up back together. People are telling me it's unhealthy cause it's the hope that kills you. Hard to believe it's only been like 6 weeks broken up.

[jd02]

From what I've read it sounds like you two aren't meant to be. You sound like you're both wanting different things from life and you're holding each other back due to the comforts and familiarity of being in a relationship. Look how much you have achieved since being apart, you should be proud of yourself. Look how much more she is achieving. I don't mean to sound harsh, but as one door closes another will open. Maybe it's not your 'time' yet to be with 'that' person. You need to focus on you and making you happy, and I've found through experience when you put yourself first and are happy in your life and comfortable being alone, happy with who you are and where you're heading then all the rest will fall into place. It's all about timing. What will be will be, what is meant for your will happen for you. You need to do n/c and stick to it, if you hear nothing after 3 months then move on, even if she contacts you after that. It is hard when you've been together so long, but it's more reason to stick to it. You don't deserve a life of what ifs always hoping. And if it takes her over 3 months an nothing do you really want to be with someone that could forget you like that?

[Nunyaface]

3 months from now or 3 months since she left? Her birthday is in October and I've been advised by IRL friends not to contact her because it goes against the promise I made in my "final email" that said I wouldn't message her again if she didn't respond in between.

 

I can't help but believe she erased that email without reading it, or maybe even preemptively blocked my email address. I just don't understand any of it. She changed her mind on such a big decision so many times in such a short frame of time. Yet she's managed to not contact me over a month and shrug off the fact I'm not on her facebook anymore. I just don't understand.

 

I've achieved a lot yes, and her going to a 2 week course in Europe is great. However, it's not like we couldn't have done these things together. I was just in a funk, it happens to all of us.

 

5 years out the window and it's this easy for her? I think that's what wounds me the most. The fact I thought we had something special, but obviously we didn't or she wouldn't have left.

[mhowe]

You need to let go. You promised it was a final email -- be a man of your word, or nothing else matters. Whether she read it or not is immaterial -- you said what you felt you had to say. She might not have needed to hear it.

 

Focus on you -- not her, and not what you had. I agree w/ your friends --- I wouldn't hold on to hope like a lifeline either. Consider this a huge wake up call. You say you were in a "funk" --- well, in the future, you know you cannot neglect other people in your life should that arise again.

[jd02]

If she doesn't contact you in the 3 months from when she left. I'd agree with your friends on that, don't contact her on her birthday. It just delays the moving on process. It's not good for you. Even if you did and she happened to reply you would read all sorts into it. Not worth the heartache.

 

I think you both know it's over, and I'm sure she's struggling with it as much as you are. That said it doesn't mean you would work together. Just because she ignores you doesn't mean it didn't mean anything it's just that she's come to accept it's not working and by ignoring you she's doing what is the right thing for you both. You can love someone and care deeply for them but when it comes down to it you're not right for each other. You moved to Tampa and gave up everything to be with her and it made you unhappy. It made her unhappy feeling like she was holding you back. Realistically who wants a relationship with someone so flighty anyway unless you're that same kind of person an it's a shared experience. It sounds to me you have different dreams, different ideals. When does love stop being love? When you do what you do giving it all up for her to the point of your own personal unhappiness. When you realize you're holding each other back, that's when it becomes unhealthy. And that's not true love. True love is sharing the same dreams. You can't change who each other is, only accepting that it doesn't work. They say it's the journey not the destination that counts. Life teaches us lessons. And I know it may be easy for others to pass judgements but believe me I'm currently suffering my own heart break, and I'm learning you have to love yourself first, and the rest will fall into place. We just have to have faith in that, that all our troubles are happening for a very good reason.

[Nunyaface]

Our goals in life have are the same. White picket fence, a couple of rugrats, have an education, etc. We could have had all that, just because I was in a funk in Tampa doesn't mean I was condemned to it forever unless we broke up. I was actually already in the process of coming out of my funk it just came too late, but it doesn't matter now. Running away from someone who doesn't have 100% the same interests seems foolish to me. Plenty of successful couples are typical guy who loves football and woman who hates football but loves shoes. They don't all break up because their interests don't line up 100%. They break up because people don't want to compromise at all and have bought into this Disney idea that you're going to find your clone of the opposite gender who is wealthy and fall in love etc etc. In reality, you have to be willing to work at a relationship after the honeymoon period, work that I admit I neglected to put in during our time in Tampa. However, we truly cared about one another, we were loving, we had the same interest/hobbies for the most part. Our morals and ideals lined up almost very well. Neither of us drank, smoked, or did drugs. We could sit/snuggle up and talk for hours without getting bored or sick of each other. I was good to her, I never hit her or cheated on her. She was faithful as well. These are things worth fighting for, or so I thought.

 

All I had to do was come out of my weird funk and be the guy I was in Gainesville, the guy I really am. But she doesn't care enough to even let me show her I'm that guy again. The guy she fell in love with.

[jd02]

I think you can only focus on yourself at this point. Go n/c. If you hear off her then great, if she wants you you'll be sure to hear off her. In the meantime you can only move forwards unfortunately. I'm in the same boat on that score. I'm in the process of moving on an it's tough, but I know I deserve better. And coming on here helps me get through it all knowing I'm not the only one going through this stuff. Things will work themselves out, life will play out how it's meant to. What is meant for you will come to you.

[Nunyaface]

I think you can only focus on yourself at this point. Go n/c. If you hear off her then great, if she wants you you'll be sure to hear off her. In the meantime you can only move forwards unfortunately. I'm in the same boat on that score. I'm in the process of moving on an it's tough, but I know I deserve better. And coming on here helps me get through it all knowing I'm not the only one going through this stuff. Things will work themselves out, life will play out how it's meant to. What is meant for you will come to you.

 

That is exactly what I'm doing. Moving forward, wishing I'd win the lotto but not banking on it, if that metaphor makes sense. Fall semester starting up should help since I'll be buried in class/work. The nights are the worst which is when I have time to remember that I miss her and wish things were different.

[jd02]

Maybe start a new hobby or something to keep you busy, something that gets you out of the house perhaps. I find weekends the worst time. I'm currently trying to make as many plans as possible. The busier you are the less time you have to think that's what I'm working on.

[Nunyaface]

Maybe start a new hobby or something to keep you busy, something that gets you out of the house perhaps. I find weekends the worst time. I'm currently trying to make as many plans as possible. The busier you are the less time you have to think that's what I'm working on.

 

Like I said, I've taken up all my old hobbies. Exercising regularly (I've lost 20 lbs since she's left) etc. Studying more than I have in years. Taking extra hours at work. It's just whenever my brain gets any spare seconds to think about something my thoughts inevitably end up on her.

 

The worst part is despite me wishing she'd reach out to me, I don't know what I'd say to her if she did. It's a huge mess.

[Doofus]

Is there something else you're not telling us? If not, then the Mom is a lunatic - or, your fiancee lied to her about what was going on between you two. In the first case, I'll just say that, probably, the Mom was not a lunatic at 26. You know? In the second, you should hope and pray that you never see your ex again.