My friend has been the "other woman" in a relationship for 2 years :(

[JewelCat]

A close friend of mine, who've I've known for about 10 years by now, shocked me a couple days ago by admitting that a male friend of hers is cheating on his girlfriend of two years with her. Apparently, they started a sort of FWB type of relationship 4 years ago, but just making out, no sex (my friend is a virgin in her early 30s). She says they've tried to stop when he and his current girlfriend got serious, but says their connection is, "just too strong," and that she loves him. She says she feels horrible about it and the whole time looked like she was about to burst into tears. The only advice I felt I could give was that her emotional attachment to him was holding her back from finding someone she could really love, but she kept telling me that its just too hard to break their "connection." I don't know what else I can do to help her, or how serious she is about actually ending it. We usually meet up for coffee about once or twice a week. Any advice on how to help someone out of this type of situation? I don't know what else to say to her.

 

Also, I talked a little about this with my bf, and he said it doesn't make sense that this guy would have a gf (who we're assuming he has sex with) and also have a girl on the side just for making out. I figured he just likes having the attention of two women, but this seem to boggle my bf's mind more than mine.

[camus154]

Meh, the best you can do is tell your friend to start using her head instead of her heart. But the truth is, she won't. She'll do this to herself until it eventually goes sour, and then you'll have to deal with her heartache then. Good luck.

[guynextdoor]

Well you can't offer help if your friend isn't asking for help. I would stay out of it.

[Moontiger]

Well, I think you should just do what you did in the conversation, focus on how their "relationship" is hurting her, how you don't like seeing her used like this, etc.

 

Now, if she start complaining about it, I would be a little more harsh, something like, "What do you expect? He has a girlfriend. You know you are his extra on the side. If he really like you why does he still have her in his life?"

[FreeFallFeelin]

If your friend told you about her affair, then she's fishing for feedback. Otherwise, it would be a secret.

 

Once somebody shares such information with you, you are more than right to give feedback, and that feedback can be honest, direct, and counter to what they want to hear. Especially if you know they're doing something terribly wrong - such as is the case with your cheater friend.

 

You might urge her to think about how it would feel to be the gf that is being betrayed, and also to think about the fact that if he can lie and cheat on his gf, doesn't she think he'd do the same to her? And you might also ask why she has chosen to remain a virgin for all this time (I assume its for religious/moralistic reasons), and if that is the case, you might remind her that participating in an affair is completely immoral, and is frowned upon by the big guy in the clouds. "Walk the walk, or stop kidding your self about being righteous" - I'd say something like that.

[browneyedgirl36]

This is a tough situation. I've experienced this too -- a friend of mine was having an affair with a married man for YEARS, and when she talked about him (which was often) I would CRINGE. Unlike your friend, though, my friend had herself convinced at the time that she was doing nothing wrong -- that his wife was a terrible person (because he told her so, of course) and that she didn't *owe* his wife anything because she didn't even know her, that SHE wasn't technically doing anything wrong because she was single -- HE was the one who was cheating, etc. She would complain to me about him a lot, and I just finally told her one day, "Look. You're my friend, and I love you. I have a moral objection to what you're doing, but I still love you." Probably a bit judgemental on my part, but I was sick of hearing about what a shrew this guy's wife was (my friend had never even met her and knew nothing other than what he told her) and being expected to support something that I had strong moral objections to. I went on to tell her that he was being unfair to his wife, his son, AND to my friend, and that the only one benefiting from the situation was HIM. I told her that if what she wanted was a healthy, committed relationship (leading to marriage and children, which is what she's always wanted), she was looking in the wrong place with this guy. I told her that I didn't think it was going to come to any good -- that I was pretty certain he wouldn't leave his wife for her. And...in fact...he didn't. It came to the point where my friend asked him what he planned to do, and his response was, "My therapist thinks I need to work on my marriage, so that's what I'm going to do," and he dumped my friend. I did NOT say "I told you so," of course; I offered my condolences and support when she was hurting. I had hoped she'd use it as a learning experience for future relationships, but she hasn't. She's gotten involved with a few other losers since then -- not married guys, but guys who are completely unavailable for other reasons. *sigh* Lesson NOT learned.

 

If she's coming to you for advice and support, the best you can do is listen and offer advice that is firm but compassionate. You should NOT be expected to be a cheerleader for her relationship if you think it's wrong; however, telling her she's a bad person isn't helpful either. She's just going to need to learn for herself the damage she's doing. Hopefully, she'll figure it out sooner than later and get out of this.

[JewelCat]

She may not have directly asked for help, but I think the fact that she finally told me about this means she wants at least some help. I've never been in her situation. I've never "loved" someone who continually uses me for 4 years, and possibly more years to come. I've gotten emotionally attached to guys in the past who never viewed me as anything more than a friend, but never someone who would take advantage of me for so long. I really believe she wants help. I guess I'm asking for advice on how to break an emotional attachment like hers.

 

ETA: Man, I type slow. Thank you everyone whos giving me more advice on this situation. I really do appreciate all advice so far, but I really don't think I should walk away from this and see my friend get hurt.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hmmm...I'm wondering if your friend is afraid to commit to a serious, adult relationship. I say this because she is still a virgin in her early 30's, and unless she's very religious, that's unusual. I'm wondering if this "relationship" is her way of having that feeling of being "in love" but not actually being in a real relationship -- maybe it's "safe" for her. I wonder that about my friend as well. Although she is not a virgin, she seems to always pick guys to crush on/have pseudo-relationships with who are married, have girlfriends, or who only view her as a platonic friend. She's never had a real relationship or really "dated" by the generally understood definition -- she's mainly become emotionally -- and sometimes physically -- attached to a series of guys with whom things never go anywhere and who are not nearly as invested as she is.

 

Just a thought...maybe your friend fears real intimacy. Does she have a history of pursuing/being "in love" with men who were unavailable to her?

[browneyedgirl36]

She may not have directly asked for help, but I think the fact that she finally told me about this means she wants at least some help. I've never been in her situation. I've never "loved" someone who continually uses me for 4 years, and possibly more years to come. I've gotten emotionally attached to guys in the past who never viewed me as anything more than a friend, but never someone who would take advantage of me for so long. I really believe she wants help. I guess I'm asking for advice on how to break an emotional attachment like hers.

 

There isn't an easy answer to this. I'm wondering -- as I mentioned in another post -- if she is afraid of real intimacy, a real relationship -- and that's why she clings to this guy. Does she have much dating/relationship experience? Does she show interest in dating or in other guys? Does she seem to want to get married and/or have children? It is very hard to detach from a situation like this one -- my friend was hooked on that married guy for like eight years! It was awful! Even now, she says she has "no regrets." And, well...she hasn't learned. Her current guy -- she's not really dating him, but they hang out as friends right now -- has a substance abuse problem, has been to jail, etc. I'm just shaking my head. I think it's like drug addiction in a way. Until they hit some sort of "rock bottom" and it jolts them to their senses, they'll keep going the way they're going.

[punished]

Hmmm...I'm wondering if your friend is afraid to commit to a serious, adult relationship. I say this because she is still a virgin in her early 30's, and unless she's very religious, that's unusual. I'm wondering if this "relationship" is her way of having that feeling of being "in love" but not actually being in a real relationship -- maybe it's "safe" for her.

 

That sounds about right. My girlfriend stayed in relationships where the men were physically unavailable to her and after therapy realized it was because she was afraid of physical intimacy. But I have to admit I feel for the girl friend here.

[browneyedgirl36]

She may not have directly asked for help, but I think the fact that she finally told me about this means she wants at least some help. I've never been in her situation. I've never "loved" someone who continually uses me for 4 years, and possibly more years to come. I've gotten emotionally attached to guys in the past who never viewed me as anything more than a friend, but never someone who would take advantage of me for so long. I really believe she wants help. I guess I'm asking for advice on how to break an emotional attachment like hers.

 

ETA: Man, I type slow. Thank you everyone whos giving me more advice on this situation. I really do appreciate all advice so far, but I really don't think I should walk away from this and see my friend get hurt.

 

Oh, definitely don't walk away from her. If she's a good friend -- and it sounds like she is -- you can still be her friend and be there for her. What you may not be able to do, however, is talk her out of all this. If she thinks she's "in love" with him, you can talk till you're blue in the face trying to reason with her, and it won't do any good. She needs to realize it for herself, and it sounds like, while she knows this situation isn't good, she's not read to let it go yet.

 

The best you can do is listen, be there for her, and encourage her to make decisions that are healthy for her. And, when this "relationship" crashes and burns -- and it will -- be there for her when she's down.

 

I'm sorry there aren't any easier answers to this. Sometimes, all you can do is be a friend and hope for the best -- hope that they come to the right decisions on their own.

[JewelCat]

WOW! You have hit the nail in the head! Yes that sounds exactly like her. She doesn't have a whole lot of dating experience, and has only had one super short "relationship" (lasted only 2 weeks) from about 8 years ago, which she claims gave her trust issues. She's turned down guys who show real interest for various reasons (He didn't call back within 3 days, he has a kid, I'm not ready to date so I'm canceling, etc), yet is in a few weird friendships with guys who she will hang with in date-like setting, expect him to open doors for her, pick her up, pay for her, etc. but in the end, she's, "Oh no, we're just friends." She claims to be very traditional with dating, but seems to over do it and expect guys to jump through hoops to get to her. Fear of intimacy seems spot on.

 

She is a religious person but pretty liberal in her religious views, so I don't think she's waiting for marriage, but I'm not entirely sure.