Still unable to trust...

[gabriella777]

It's been 7 months into the relationship I am currently in and I can't seem to be able to trust my boyfriend.

I have trust issues due to my previous relationship (which ended a bit more than a year ago), but I never thought it would last this long.

 

Little things have happened here and there which have delayed the process of trusting my bf but they have not been major (little comments here and there).

 

Two things happened in the recent past that have prevented me from trusting him more:

1) He has this huge discussion about what things in our relationship can be shared with others, because in the past, he has shared some information about me with his best friend that I was not comfortable with. We decided that every time we speak about something and I dont want him to share it, I will specify that I want him to keep that thing to himself. His problem was that he was feeling restricted because I was controlling what he was allowed to talk about with his friends and I understand that, but I still want him to respect my feelings, because it would be MY feelings he would be spreading. Still, he had a huge problem with it but he said he will respect it when I ask him to.

2) He has this female friend who he used to fancy. He told me at the very start of our relationship so I always knew that he used to fancy her. But it was only recently (yesterday actually) that he told me that he had kissed her in the past

I understand that it's just something he forgot about but in my eyes, it's something big and I was really surprised that he had kept it hidden from me.

 

I cannot seem to trust him and it's hurting me. It's really annoying me too because it's in my mind quite a lot of the time. My main fear is not the fear of losing him, but the fear of getting deceived and lied to again. I'm afraid of being disrespected, deceived, ignored and feeling as if I am not good enough for him.

 

Which is why sometimes I think about breaking up. If I leave now, I'm safe from any emotional pain that can come if I find that he's not trustworthy. And I will remember him as someone who respected me and was open and honest. I'm just so afraid of getting cheated on again or betrayed in some way, that sometimes I would rather break up.

 

Help?

 

ps: Overall, he does seem to be trustworthy and a very honest, open man. (as objectively as I can see it)

[DN]

I don't think private things shared with a partner should ever be discussed outside the relationship. Many people think it's OK to share with friends but this is why a lot of people don't want to share their feelings with partners - they know the partner will blab it to their friends. So on that one I agree with you.

 

As for the kiss- I think you need to get over that. It was before he met you and has nothing to do with you.

[csr14]

Ok as I first begun to read this post, I honestly thought it was me because it sounds SO much like my story. I thought somehow a thread was duplicated. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months as well and don't trust him due to my past. He hasn't really done anything to me that has made me feel that way but he's done things to other girls which speaks of his character and makes me nervous. Not to mention every other guy that has broken my heart after I've let them in. Anyways I understand how you feel, I too have thought about exiting my relationship as to avoid getting hurt but really looking at this from an objective point of view -

 

I agree that he should keep certain things he knows about you to himself - and a lot of those things should go without saying. You shouldn't have to ask him to keep certain things a secret. He should be allowed to vent to his friends but some things don't need to be disclosed - especially things you ask him not to- that's just a respect issue.

 

As far as the kissing - I can kind of understand this. It doesn't sound like he kept it from you - I can understand why it would raise a little suspicion but he probably just didn't think to mention it because a kiss is really not that big of a deal.

 

Trust will come in time - I've been told something - Childish trust is believing someone will never hurt you. Adult trust is know that if someone cares for you - they will do their best not to hurt you and if they do, they will be there to try to help you work through it. I can't tell you that you'll ever trust him because honestly, I don't know if you will, I've been with my boyfriend for almost 8 months now and I still don't trust him but just keep on keeping on and know that you can't break up with someone just bc of fear of pain, if you take that route you might as well never get into a relationship with anyone. Best of luck!

[trickykid]

Im in the same position, Im looking at it from the other side, Ive been with my girlfriend for 18 months, it was great for the first 4 months, then I start getting the fears and thinking etc, Ive spent the last year going up and down not knowing what I should do.

 

On the keeping private discussions between you private, I dont think should even be questioned it goes without say. Every conversation I have had with my girlfriend is between us, nothing leaves us, everything thats said stays between us, she has told me very embarrassing things and I have told her some too and I know they will never be repeated except by us, we said all this when we first got with each other. I think if it happens once that could be a genuine mistake and talk to him about it, I would with my girlfriend, a second time, thats a bit more serious.

 

With the trust, I dont know, Im in way over my head lol, I dont trust anyone for various reasons but Im now stuck in a position where if I want to remain with this girl I have to trust her and do want to trust her but its so extremely hard, so I know where your coming from, my situation is a little bit different but it still requires me to trust.

 

I have tried to dump this girl many times over the past year, I know the thinking behind it exactly what your thinking, If I dump her Ill be ok, all the thinking will stop, I wont get hurt again. I have watched her over the last year, and I dont mean in a stalking way lol, in the objective way and still come back to the same conclusions, she has never given me anything suggest anything other than what she tells me. And this has brought about a cycle of confusion, like your guy this girl is trustworthy, honest and open, loving, caring and my best friend too. Believe me Im definitely not the easiest person to go out with due to life and trust issues, most women would have gone by now. I could go on forever about the good this girl has done for me, I still dont trust her though.

 

This is an example of what goes through my head on a daily basis is - can I trust her, what if she does this, what if she does that, what if someone else takes her, what if it doesnt work out, its easier being single, how will I dump her, I wont feel like this when shes gone, will I regret dumping her, its just fear and on and on and on. Thats what I think everyday, then start weighing it all up. It becomes tiring, Im exhausted.

 

I was done with relationships forever till this girl came along, I have been taking steps in trying to improve, the last few days have been great, none of this has bothered me, I seem to have found a off button. Ive decided that Im going to take one final risk, Ive been over this again and again, now its time to say ok, Im going to trust her and believe everything she says, Im not going to question it anymore.

 

While I agree it would be just easier to break up and be single, I get on great when Im single, I dont have to trust anyone. Yes you will be safe from pain but its lonely. You will simply just find that you are the same in the next relationship and the one after that and every other one, maybe you wont get into another one like I decided, my plan was to remain single forever and be happy, but would I have been happy? No I wouldnt have been, Id still be suffering with the trust.

 

Its not easy, its taking me a long time to get here but I do believe that Im going in the right direction as I said Ive had 3 days of peace and its great. The only advice I can give is just keep working at it, just say to yourself that you believe him, his actions suggest he is honest, so it could be all good, thats what Im learning from my girlfriend. As I say she can put up with a lot at times so she must be one of the good ones, a lot of people would have gone by now. So obviously she musnt be out to hurt me. Whether you want to take that risk again is up to you, I dont know, my girlfriend told me that "she wouldnt like to be dumped because of something she didnt do" or "something in the future that wont happen" or "because of a fear, at least dump me for something Ive done not something I havnt"

 

I can see her point because thats exactly of what I would be afraid of too, so its become a self fulfilling prophecy, dump her before she dumps me, its become some kind of stand off lol. Sorry for the long post

[metrogirl]

But you do realize that if not this boyfriend then the next, you will likely have trust issues because of what happened to you in the past. So really you have two options, you can learn to trust again because after all if there is no trust there is no relationship or you can just stay single for the rest of your life since you won't be able to fully trust anyone again.