Sink or Swim Time

[crashboombang]

Well, I've just about reached an all time low, if it gets any worse then I really will have to go and see my GP for some help because I am crying every day again.. I thought I'd got past that. I really don't want to have to go down the medication route and I REALLY want to pick myself up out of this pit of despair and once again I am asking for help on here.

 

The texts I have been sending my ex have basically made me lose any dignity that I may have still have had left... begging, the lot. Urgh. I am struggling to see a life without someone I loved so much. Friends are getting bored of hearing about it now and I have noticed a couple of people signing out of facebook chat after I've said hello. My poor parents are at their wits end. So I absolutely need to snap out of this. I am still mainly focusing on all the good things I miss about my ex and so I know I need to take him off the pedestal and remember the awful things. The thought of my future absolutely terrifies me... because I thought my future was all sorted and now it's all unknown. I know I am not alone with these feelings though.

 

I feel angry that I am allowing myself to wallow in this state. I know my ex certainly isn't... I am sure he will be doing what he does best, blocking things out and getting on with his life.

 

Two days ago I sent my ex a card, via Moonpig... the message I wrote was basically begging for another chance, that we could rebuild stronger than before... yes, I know.. I've lost it. I know that it should be the dumper doing this kind of thing, but in my ex's case, those of you who read my story will know that he is doing the best thing by not being in contact because of his deep mental issues. He should receive the card in today's post. I don't expect to hear anything, but anyway I sent the card during a very low, tearful moment.

 

I got my mobile number changed today. Even though he is not making any contact with me, I hope it might work for me as a 'new start' type thing.. I am determined to not text him and tell him my new number, and I am hoping that having to memorise my new number might help me in forgetting his!

 

So, it's sink or swim time. I NEED to move on.. I dont want to go to my GP and be diagnosed with depression and be put on medication and be unable to start working when my CRB check comes through (its on stage 4 of 5 now so getting there finally). I need to pull myself together ASAP and be ready, emotionally and physically (lost my appetite again), to start a new job which shouldn't be too far away now.

 

Positive statements/epiphanies/kicks up backside very much needed please!

[Vertigo1981]

Don't forget to exercise. The endorphins your brain releases after a hard cardio session normally helps me when I'm at my low points.

[Avila]

What I found really worked for me (so might not for you.) is when I couldn't keep down anything, my body really craved tropical fruit juices that you can get from juice stores. It perked me up a bit and I didn't want to throw it up, lol. Exercise. But not too much because I found that I tended to want to faint because of the eating problem...

 

Creative outlets. Write letters that you'll never send to the ex. Speak out loud to your chosen deity. Just get it all off your chest. DONT CONTACT HIM AT ALL.

 

Take a break from the whole social networking thing. Just don't go on. It's actually quite nice to take a break once you wean yourself off.

 

Try things that you've always wanted to try. Even when you feel listless. I literally forced myself to do things I'd usually want to do (like pat a lion cub, who wouldn't want to do that? oh wait... me during a break up.) just because you have to get on with it. Force yourself to go out with your mates even when you don't want to.

 

Find yourself. It's scary as hell. But once you get past the scary bit it's actually really awesome. You have your whole life ahead of you. When it stops scaring you, it's actually very exciting.

 

Oh and DONT CONTACT HIM. EVER.

 

Stay classy. Sometimes it's all we got.

 

One last thing? If you really are struggling, never feel bad about going to the doctor's and discussing what's bothering you and how to fix it. It's okay xo

[One day]

Hi CBB,

 

Ah I'm so sorry your in this state I wouldn't rule out meds totally. I'm on them now, have been on and off the last couple of years, I haven't suffered any side effects and tbh the stigma of past for been on such meds has changed.

 

Yes the next move for you and me is to snap out of this perpetuial circle of emotions for these people. I have myself come to the sad conclusion this week that I am dead and buried to my ex, I don't figure in her life, thoughts or emotions.......................................what can I do about it, apart from carry on feeling lost hurt and devastated? I need to make changes like you..................hell I have to, last weekend I lived like a reclusive hermit felt like **** for it.

 

I know you can get yourself through this CBB your so much better then this, keep focusing on the upcoming job prospects and stop messaging him, it's all one way communication which just brings you down.

 

Hope you feel more chipper soon

 

OD

[Heartbroken17]

Get yourself some St John's Wort tablets - it really has worked wonders for me and I feel better knowing they're a natural remedy rather than prescription medication.

 

Thought I'd share with you an email my best friend sent me when I was going through the same pain at the beginning, not seeing an end to it and thinking that people were getting tired of me and what I was going though. It really gave me the kick up the backside that I needed and made me start to pull myself together. Here it is:

 

You can't expect to feel better while things are still up in the air and you're living in someone else's house. Take charge of the things that you can control. You've already made the Relate appointment, contacted the acupuncturist, started looking at flats etc - keep making progress on the logistics.

 

I can't think of anyone who hasn't experienced the end of a relationship so nobody expects you to snap out of it straight away. It's tough but the world will keep turning and everyone has stuff to deal with so try to rationalise and keep taking on board people's advice on how to keep moving forward. Nobody expects you to be cracking jokes and dancing on tables by the end of the week but, harsh but true, everyone has to take responsibility for themselves. Keep showing that you are fighting to pull yourself out of it and people will keep trying to help you.

 

Like you say, it has only been 10 days. It's going to take longer than that for your mind to catch up with what's happened, recalibrate and imagine a new future. I'm sorry you feel so s**t but it will get easier.

 

Xx

[Moggs]

Start swimming CBB, I know you can do it, stop texting, you must, you know its not helping. The only thing that can help at this point in time no matter what happens in the future with your ex.... is that you must get it together for yourself NOW come back stronger. Put that negative emotional energy into improving yourself physically and mentally. I wish you luck and will be looking forward to your posts about how you well you are doing, bit by bit... you will get there. And yes, don't underestimate those positive endorphins. I am healing from a break up now, and prior to that healed from a 27 year relationship breakup ( was with my husband from age 17 and he wanted out when I was aged 43 with three kids). So I do know what I am talking about, the only way i managed to get the strength to get up, get my kids to school, go to work myself and basically function, was by walking everyday, rain or hail. It saved me, I still walk and now in response to my latest BU am working out at the gym like a carzy amazon woman but it truly helps. And the added bonus is you feel a lot better when you are physically fit. So go girl !!!

[pippy longstocking]

oh boomer ....

 

I wish I could help you ..get in your car and come here for a few days lass ...I mean that ...if you want a couple of days out

then I am here , just tinkering around me garden and talking to the ducks.

 

you don't have to be "over him" stop putitng that pressure on yourself girl ...getting over someone as you know

is a process that takes time ...you know fine well I am getting to 7 months ..I am not over it ..

 

 

you need to be aiming more at the problem of this contact ..your feeding your depression by giving yourself

that hope every single time you make contact , you feeding your depression everytime you hear nothing then

feel you have no dignity or self respect ..

 

so that is the first thing you need to work with ..

 

stop hashing over what you have done ...start afresh ..

 

tomorrow ...the day of liberation ..the first day of NC ...and just concentrate on that rather than the whole " I am over it"

..that will come easier when you can hold your head up high knowing you have walked away.

 

come on lass ...we are all here xxxx anything I can do ..just say boomer xxx

[pippy longstocking]

the meds..

 

hell girl ..just get some ok ..

[shatteredlove]

Pick up sports if you're into sports.

Rock climbing somewhat helped me. I was too concentrated on not falling 24 feet, rather than my ex.

And you'll be busy sweating and catching your breathe than crying.

Or you could cry and do be active as well (double the healing)

 

L-Theanine is what I take right now. It's not OTC or prescribed. Does less harm to your system.

And CBB -- you are allowed to cry. Crying nonstop is actually your body taking control and taking care of itself.

But stay hydrated!! Cause your body will need the water!!

 

And ... hang in there CBB ...

us lovers always have it bad, until we find the one who reciprocates our love or at least cherishes it.

You'll always find yourself loving your ex regardless - see it as a gift and a curse.

But one day soon, that love will become a wish for your ex to be happy.

Sounds cheesy and quite impossible now. But you'll see, it doesn't pass like many think it will. The hurt will lessen, but the love will somehow always be there.

Because you're the bigger person. You loved truthfully.

 

Yea, I know how you feel about your friends not wanting to listen, but hey, you know ... people who really truthfully care and want you to be better, will listen to you regardless of how much you've repeated yourself or drop into the cycle of sadness again.

I had people turn away from me, my family, my church have done that.

But then there are those who stick around and text everyday to see how I'm doing.

 

You could always pm me if you want to get some sadness off your chest.

[FreeFallFeelin]

You're smart to NOT want to get on the meds. They won't make the heartbreak go away, though they will sedate you like a zombie. Then you have to ween yourself off of them, all the while suffering a multitude of side effects. You CAN go through this experience without meds. The intensity of this experience is natural and is meant to alert you to danger and motivate you to focus on your own survival.

 

Also, you know that being in contact with your ex, sending him messages, begging him, etc is keeping you stuck. You know this! So you shouldn't be surprised that things haven't changed. Your parents and friends aren't frustrated that you're hurting, they're frustrated that you keep hitting yourself in the head with the same hammer over and over and wonder why nothing changes! Time to take responsibility for you healing, your future, and your actions. STOP begging your ex to come back! It hasn't worked, you've lost all dignity, so now it's time to change that behavior. It's up to you.

[pippy longstocking]

You're smart to NOT want to get on the meds. They won't make the heartbreak go away, though they will sedate you like a zombie.

 

no ..not all of them ..but yeah if boomer can get through this with them then I agree with you.

 

boomer are you ok love ...

 

talk to us ...are you texting or finding it hard to be NC ..try and vent it here rather then act on it or

just bottling it all up xx

[crashboombang]

Hey, I'm here. Tough day My appetite seems to have disappeared again, just like it did when the BU first happened.

 

Actually, I'm doing OK with NC.. well, I mean, its only been two days so far, lol. I hope that changing my mobile number yesterday has helped with this, mainly because I'm not constantly looking at my phone, checking for any texts or calls from him (I don't plan on giving him this number). To be honest, knowing my ex, he was probably just deleting my texts before reading them anyway. By now he will have received the card I sent him, and as I suspected I've had no response to it (he still has my email address so hypothetically could contact me that way, my point is, if he wanted me, he could find me... and he doesn't want me). So I have almost accepted that he DOES NOT want me. What I am finding unbearable are the memories of the good times.... the loving sides of my ex.. the village..the house.. everything that came into my life as a result of the relationship. And God, the night times and loneliness.. and being out and seeing couples everywhere. And thinking of how I never got to fulfil my dream of marriage and a family with him... not just with anyone, but I truly thought he was the one. I miss it all so much, from the smell of his hair, to the people I met through him, to the woman in the local shop!! It's insane.

 

I am absolutely certain I do NOT want meds for this - this is meant as no disrespect at all towards those who have needed them, I just know for me personally, it would not be the right choice.

 

As I am sitting thinking over everything, I am wondering if there were actually signs that he wanted the relationship to end, even if they were just stupid comments he made in the heat of the moment, what's that old saying, many a true word spoken in jest? But it was always so difficult to know what he was thinking because after these events he couldn't do enough to apologise to me and tell me how much he loved me.

 

I know I am totally over thinking this in my mind but a couple of comments he made shortly before the BU make me wonder if he did want it to end, despite all he was saying about us being together forever... I remember about two weeks before we split up, I had a leaflet through the door for a free 3 day trial for a local gym, I said oh I might go and make use of that.. doesn't cost anything, and he said well what's the point if you're not going to join...it might be a waste of time... but maybe I am just over analyzing things too much!! Also, a week before the BU, he had arrived home from work quite a lot later than normal and I'd been worried cos I couldn't get hold of him (he had a long commute), when he got home I was a bit snappy and said I've been really worried I thought something had happened..... he said oh sorry I wasn't aware I had to tell you what time I was going to be in... I said no it's not that, it would just have been nice for you to drop me a text, (thats what he normally did if he was going to be late, so thats why I was worried), this resulted in a little argument cos he thought I was being controlling, but I was just worried, so he went out of the house and came back a bit later. Anyway, I found out the day after the BU from one of my friends in the village, that on that evening, when he went out the house, he'd gone into the local pub and put his name down to play on the skittles team, which he'd told me he wasn't going to do this year... I was a bit puzzled cos it was something he always did (and I had no issue with him doing it at all)... but he never told me he'd done this... so my point is (sorry, rambling), I wonder if he had just been looking for the right moment to dump me... hence why he never bothered telling me about his plans to play skittles once a week. But then again... I got his parents involved the day he dumped me and I guess if they hadn't come along and taken over the situation, we wouldn't have split up that day.

 

I know that over analyzing things in this way is not healthy and it is not helping me come to terms with the BU but I have to get my thoughts/feelings out.

 

I just feel sick to the pit of my stomach wondering if there was something more I could have said or done to stop this all happening, I know I am far from perfect but I feel my only faults were 1. not being tolerant of the fetishes and this did cause problems, and 2. most of the time, sticking up for myself when he was becoming irrational and saying horrible things.

 

Also, I am not sure whether the counselling I am having is working for me. I seem to be going round in circles. I think I've had six sessions now. Yesterdays wasn't very good, as in, I didn't feel as if I made any progress. The counsellor has suggested that next week, I try the 'empty chair technique', and say everything I want to say to him, to the chair. I just don't see how this will help - does anyone have any experience of this? The way I feel is, it still isn't going to find me any answers to all the questions I have (but then again, I'm never going to get those answers from my ex, either.) I also feel as if I am just talking about the same stuff each week and not getting any further. I just want to be working again and not having to go to have counselling!

 

Urgh. Just shoot me now. Seriously.

[tness]

I'm also suffering from a breakup. I have also done all the crying, begging, etc etc, everything I should not do. I also got antidepresiva from my GP, but I dident want to take them. I took some sleeping pils, but the last one I took in late may. I have NC since 5 of june. No more begging no more nothing. I still cry, I still don't eat so much.

 

She are out of my life.

If I could have used a time machine just once in my life I would have used it this time. But perhaps that would be a waste to.

 

You know I have tryed anything. Talking, sobbing, crying, begging, and if I could take down the moon and gave it to her, she would not have cared.

4,5 years, we where planning children...

You are probably much younger than me, you have time.

NC all the way now. Don't give in!!!

[crashboombang]

If I could have used a time machine just once in my life I would have used it this time. But perhaps that would be a waste to.

 

You know I have tryed anything. Talking, sobbing, crying, begging, and if I could take down the moon and gave it to her, she would not have cared.

4,5 years, we where planning children...

You are probably much younger than me, you have time.

NC all the way now. Don't give in!!!

 

I know that feeling tness. I'm sorry you are hurting (((hugs)))... It is SO heartbreaking because since the BU I have sent texts, emails, left voicemails (not recently though I must admit), crying my heart out in my voicemails and I just do not know how he can ignore them.. but if someone no longer wants you in their life, what can you do? And yes, NC all the way now.. that's the aim. I'm just sad it has come to this... this time last year I was so full of hope, the relationship was only a couple of weeks old and now.. a year down the line... I'm here.

 

HAVING SAID THAT... this time last year.. it's very easy to look back and think that things were perfect but actually, realistically they were far from it. There were three weekends very early on in the r'ship (so basically most of last July) where he had stuff already planned, a couple of weekends away, but the one weekend I felt a niggling insecurity, there was something I couldn't put my finger on... anyway, it was only further down the line I found out that weekend he'd spent fulfilling his fetishes (a woman should always trust her intuition!) and then just after I moved in with him, I discovered a receipt under the bed for some women's underwear he'd bought that weekend, which he ended up confessing he'd bought to wear himself during one of the 'treatments' he had to satisfy his fetishes... can't say much more than that on here without giving away exact details... so yeah...