Ended the dating relationship...Did I do the right thing?

[FuschiaBunny]

Hi there, would appreciate your advice.

 

You see, about a year ago, I dated a colleague for three months, we met once a week, for lunch or dinner. It was music related work, and I asked him to teach me something, so he was my weekly tutor for a year and thats when we got to talk more. We were both the same age and in our thirties.

 

At first he spent some months going out with a teenager, but he soon started asking me about my dating life. So I told him that I was trying to mend a relationship with a longtime friend whom I had previously had a relationship with.

 

The colleague/ my tutor asked me to join him for an outing a couple of times, I just turned everything down, but fast forward one year later I said OK. So we went for a movie and supper, just as friends. Or so I thought. About three outings later, generally unplanned, for example eating together on the way home from work, he asked to be my boyfriend. I said no, because I hardly knew the guy as a friend, and secondly, I was still thinking of patching things up with my ex boyfriend. Yes, I told him so.

 

During this time, I was having a lot of difficulty with my ex boyfriend - sorting out our misgivings of years toward each other. My ex boyfriend was also going through a turbulent time, ending a relationship with a girl, and his mum had passed away.

 

Back to my colleague... I wrote to him to tell him that I could not have a relationship with him nor meet him weekly, because I was not in a good place, and I wanted to work on the relationship with my ex. But the colleague persisted because he probably knew that I was unhappy in my life. And then, I decided to end it with the colleague by telling him straight off! But that made things cold and worse, and I felt terrible because I did not mean to hurt him. So, after a week, I asked to meet him and apologized and told my colleague that he was indeed a great guy (and I loved how good he was at teaching me), and that I really liked him, but that I couldnt start anything.

 

The colleague began pressurizing me for a relationship again. I started to think that maybe he really loved me, since he was so persistent. (This was two months after our first outing). I thought maybe God wanted to give me someone to take me away from the frustrating ex boyfriend situation I was in. So, I allowed myself to speak to the colleague on the phone more. However, it became clearer that we had different views on education, marriage, and for me the last straw and surprise - he did not think I was pretty. He told me that this was the first time dating someone his age, and all his exes (about three of them) had all been younger, and prettier and hotter and that if I saw them I would know what he means. He would also tell me how he wanted my makeup to change.

 

Finally, he pressured me again into a relationship with him by telling all our other colleagues that we were going out, and then telling me that he had asked them to support our dating relationship.

 

I thought very hard, and decided to end the dating. It had been only three months, but a very very hard decision.

 

Now, one year later, this man is still getting updates from me from another colleague and he posts/blogs about how much he misses me. Dont ask me how I know, call it sixth sense that I found out that he keeps writing about how the two of us were destined to be together. I have sent him phone messages - to thank him for being my teacher, to wish him a happy birthday, but he has cut me off from facebook, does not write back, but just keeps posting and posting thoughts. Sometimes it makes me feel really troubled. I guess I did love him, but it wasnt safe nor secure and happy for me to be the relationship. So I miss him and very likely loved him.

 

I just should not have gone out with him at all right? Please send me your advice, I cant let go properly knowing he keeps missing me. Things are going much better now with me and my ex boyfriend - now boyfriend. He loves me and thinks I am the most beautiful girl to him, and we share the same views on practically everything, and yet- there is a chapter I tried to close but cant. And I am really on a brink. Your thoughts may help? Thank you.

[Madamdiva007]

Why don't you just delete his phone number from your phone and stop all contact with him. That includes wishing him happy birthday and such.

[Ms Darcy]

I am not sure what there was to love about him. He seemed to be preying on your vulnerabilities. He probably saw you as someone he could put down and control (e.g. calling his exes hotter, wanting to change your makeup, etc). I think the real lesson for you is self-reflection. Why would you let yourself be put down by a guy like that? Why would you think you loved him? I think you have some self-esteem issues (which he may have picked up on) to work on. Good luck.

[bigsix]

One of many golden rules is never date coworkers or neighbors. It can be a hard rule to follow, but it can save you alot of heart ache. He could be obsessed with you for any number of reasons. Though he said many crappy things to you, you stayed with him a bit. Also, I can not understand how somone can pressure you into a relationship outside of threats or blackmale.

Your contact with him is keeping this ball rolling along. Finally, is the chapter with your colleague that good to where you cant close it completely once and for all? A lousy chapter is not worth revisiting unless you think you missed something important between the lines.