FullOfRegrets Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Hi everyone, I am new here. As my name states, I am full of regrets, as I have done many stupid things. And I warn you all, this will be VERY, VERY long.. BUT I AM BEGGING YOU TO PLEASE READ IT ALL AND HELP ME..... I feel so scared and near helpless now....... I had dated this beautiful girl for over 7 years in a long distance relationship (12 - 14 hour Greyhound bus trip apart). We have connected so well, and she was my best friend as well. Now, our relationship was never crystal clear and perfect - none are - but we always pulled through, and the closeness and happiness mattered so much more than those few moments of hurt and pain. We really loved each other, and it has ALWAYS worked no matter the distance. I am actually happy to say that I never once cheated on her in the 7 years. I really did stay faithful and true, and she always appreciated that quality of mine. She actually knew I wouldn't cheat because I have a very limited circle of friends, am not the party type, and I generally avoid other women for the sake of respecting the one I'm with. Yeah, I was very very loyal. Anyway, since late last year, I started drinking - first a bit, and then a lot. Then in January, my dog passed away and it really tore me up. I felt a lot of regret for not having spent enough time with the most loyal individual in my house, and now that she had passed away, I really hit the bottle hard. I became super depressed and just stopped trying a lot. My ex was the one buying long distance phone cards now, as I rarely bothered to make an effort, or ended up spending my money on booze. After drinking long enough, my liver became painfully inflamed. I became lethargic and stopped taking care of my health. I also started to lose interest in school, despite having good grades. Now, my career situation isn't great. I am 23-25 years old, while my ex is 21-22. I have my GED and was upgrading some high school credits for entry into a university program. My ex, on the other hand, just finished her 3rd year of her 4 year Bachelor's program (Spanish language), and on July 19th will be going to study abroad in South America until November 10th. Yeah, she's soooo ahead of me, but she had so much patience with me because she loved me so much and always believed in me in, despite my rubbish! Anyway, so back to the depressing part. I began neglecting her over time by just not trying as hard because I was depressed and unhappy with my life, and booze was consuming me (oh, the irony). She was doing most of the calling, and while many times I would make her happy, I wasn't as intimate anymore, and I was mostly just wanting to sleep or stay in bed. Sometimes I would just shut myself off from everyone and play video games by myself. But even so, she kept trying to convince me to just get over my depression and move forward with life. Well, about a month and a half ago, she went to visit some friends out of town. Then one day, she went on instant messenger and she sent me a message. I replied, but she never replied back for some reason, so I just wandered off from the computer to help out in the kitchen. Well, I returned to the computer like 2 hours later, and then eventually she messaged me and went off on a rage, saying why can't I be there for her, blah blah blah. She was venting at me for practically no reason. I was so stressed and pressured from that moment and all the stress I've been going through for months that I swore at her and told her "IT'S OVER!!!" and I blocked her instant messenger. A few days later, when she returned home, she called me as if normal. I told her we were done, and she said she thought I wasn't serious. I insisted on it, and she asked if I still loved her. I said no. She cried and begged me not to leave her, but I said it was too late, and that she made me feel horrible, and that I also didn't like her pressuring me during the months I was depressed (when really, I now realize that she was trying to push me for my own good). Then I hung up on her. For over a week she obsessively tried to call me. I don't have caller display at home (no cellphone either), so if it was her, I'd either just hang up, or tell her that I'd have to go. Of course, she would be crying and begging me to give her another chance. She was also apologizing... apologizing when really she didn't make THAT big of a mistake. But I ignored her and acted like I didn't care.. =/ This is when it gets worse. After I broke up with her, I began to drink even harder, and I just lost control of myself. Furthermore, a few days after I initially broke up with her.... I went to a rub and tug and had sex one of the workers. It was horrible, there was no intimacy, no real fun, and it was quite embarrassing and a waste of time and money. The lady wasn't good looking, the end wasn't worth it, and I went home feeling dirty and guilty, both for what I did and for wasting money that could've been used productively. I logged onto the computer, I saw my ex's picture and I immediately got a horrible nervous reaction and a vomit reflex. I felt as if I had cheated on her, even though I broke up with her before I slept with that sex worker. Well, after about almost 2 weeks since I broke up with her, I began to answer her calls. At first I was really hesitant about talking to her, but gradually I grew more comfortable again. Really, I was just VERY VERY ashamed, and I felt I didn't deserve to speak to her anymore. She wanted to be with me, but I told her she wouldn't want to. Eventually, I admitted to her what I did. She reacted far better than I had expected, as she told me that while she was extremely disappointed, she still loves me and forgives me, and she still wants us to be together and have it all work out. She said everyone makes mistakes, even really bad ones. I was so sad and ashamed that I actually cried (I'm such a wimp), and she just tried to comfort me with love and care. She asked me if I could give her another chance, and I said yes. We then said to each other "I love you." At that moment, I felt okay. But then days after, I still continued to drink, continued to be depressed, and began neglecting her again, although on and off. She asked me if we could be friends with benefits, and I said yeah. But as the days went by, our conversations once again grew intimate and close, and I once again told her I loved her. Then came the last day of school, almost a month ago. When I got home, I was feeling insecure and uncertain about myself and life, and then the phone rang. She greeted me with a sweet, "Hey babe!" and then I told her I wasn't 100% about us, and that I felt we were moving too fast, and she needed to slow down. She reacted very badly to this. She became very upset and cried, saying that I was messed up for leading her on, that she felt played, and that even after all the hurt I put her through and how I had intercourse with the sex worker, she still tried for me, only for me to push her away like this. She said she felt rejected, and that now she doesn't even want to go be with me anymore. She told me I was a horrible person, and then in my stupid and insecure state, I said "well, you've hurt me too." She said "but I didn't sleep with a sex worker." Immediately, I felt ashamed and angry, and I just hung up on her.. Later that night, she called again asking why I had hung up on her. I told her she made me feel like crap after she brought that up, but she said what I have done to her is so much worse. I knew it was true, but in my state of mind I just decided to lash back out at her and bring up all the bad things she had done to me. Then she just hung up. Like two days went by and I didn't pay attention to the world. I stayed in my room like a hermit, drinking and not caring. Then I noticed she had removed me from her Facebook. She still kept pictures of us, though. I sent her a text message, saying that I was sorry, but she said this was the last straw, and that I had hurt her far too much. She told me that she may speak to me in the future, or maybe never, but now is not the time. She then said that I make her sick, and that I'm a messed up person, and that she doesn't want to be with an insecure "boy" with substance abuse problems that barely has an education and doesn't have his life together. Then she told me that she was looking for a new man, but she was planning to do it with dignity, yet claimed she would not be datable for a while. She said not to message her anymore after this, because it hurts her. I was really upset by this, but I tried to just drown it out with more drinking. Eventually, on Sunday July 8th, I accidentally found out she had gone on a date with someone else. See, that day I was so bored, I tried to log into my Facebook from two different browsers, and instead she was already logged into one of them. I came accross a conversation between her and a close female friend, and it described how on Friday July 6th, she went on a date with a guy she had only met at a party, and that "the date was perfect" but that at the end of the day, they ended up making out hardcore and touching each other... but didn't have sex or anything of that nature. They were also going to go out again on Tuesday July 10th. I became really upset by this, and I continued to read. She described this guy as "sexy" and that she was so swept up by him. She said that she had a huge crush on him, and that she would almost be persuaded to go out with him for real were it not for her upcoming 5+ month trip, and therefore she "knows she shouldn't" get serious with him. She also described herself as "boy attention hungry." Her friend said "why don't you get a boyfriend in South America?" and my ex didn't want that because she was afraid they would cheat on her or that it would not work out. But in the end, my ex's friend congratulated her on "the new man." I was really depressed and devastated, and I feared Tuesday for what I thought could happen then. So on Sunday I sent her cellphone the most depressing texts ever from my instant messenger. I also threatened to kill myself with a gun, despite me not having one. I was just that depressed. Monday morning came. Just then, I was awoken by 4 police officers busting my bedroom door wide open. I was sleeping butt naked under the blanket, and I said "what the heck?" and reached for my nearby shorts. They immediately drew their guns towards me and almost fired point blank, until one of them said "HOLD IT!" I was later told that it was a huge risk by police standards to hold back when I was reaching for the shorts, because they were told I was armed, and therefore it looked like I was reaching for a weapon to harm them with. They handcuffed me, took me downstairs to my living room, and questioned and talked to me for a while until they felt I wasn't going to be an immediate threat to myself. I told them I just said it out of the moment because I was stressed and frustrated, but that I really didn't have the guts to do such a thing. I also revealed that I do not own a gun. They eventually left, although they said that at some random point this week, a nurse escorted by an officer would visit me to check up on how I'm doing. Well, soon after they had left, I was filled with RAGE. ANGER. HATRED. I was nearly shot and killed at point blank range. I could only think of one thing... it was my ex's fault. Even though she wasn't exactly doing the best thing by falling into a rebound date thing, she didn't want me killing myself, and did what I believe she felt was the best decision for my safety. But I wasn't thinking that. I was only thinking on how easy it is to blame her for my near-death experience. So I went on the instant messenger, and sent her A LOT of angry messages. I told her that I didn't appreciate being woken up by officers with guns, that I nearly got killed because of her, and then I told her that after that, I didn't want her anymore... EVER. I said she was now ugly to me, that I also know what she did with that guy. I mocked her, and caller her a liar and a hypocrite, that her dignity remark was a joke, and that she shouldn't pretend to have any, because it is an insult to whatever shred she just lost. I said she had gone "**** mode," called her a "dirty hoe" a dozen times, said that I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up having sex with the guy, and that she is disgusting to me now. I said I wouldn't want to kiss her or even touch her again, and that now she's nothing but damaged goods that only a dirty man would want. Then I said I was going to block her forever, and told her to get out of my life. These were such horrible, horrible, things that I had said.... but only later I felt bad and began to regret everything. At that moment, I was too filled with rage and hatred and a feeling of betrayal to ever consider just how wrong the things I was saying really were. =/ Later that Monday, from my instant messenger I sent her several dozen apologizing for going overboard. I also left her an apology voicemail, expressing my deep regrets for using such harsh words. I said I lost my temper because I was blaming her for my horrible police experience and my near-death moment, and that I was really sorry for what I had said, and I begged her not to leave me for the new guy. I told her I loved her and I still wanted her to come back. I also explained to her my declining health. See, I've had an inflamed liver for a while, but since I became super depressed and stopped eating well and taking care of myself within the past 2 weeks, I deteriorated. I explained to her that my skin has gone pale, I now bruise easily, my thumb bleeds for no reason, and my urine comes out dark as heck. My chest and abdomen also became burning hot to the touch. I told her that I didn't have the will to kill myself anymore, but that I don't have the will for anything either, including getting better. I told her that I was just gonna let nature take its course.. No reply at all that night. Nothing. Next day (Tuesday July 10th) I found out she had BLOCKED the instant messenger account I had texted her from. I also found out she had blocked me from Facebook. I used to be only removed, but she had me BLOCKED this time around. From a newly created IM account, I sent her a bunch more of apology texts, expressed more of my misery without her, and then even tried calling her to no avail (she cannot block phone numbers due to lack of feature). BLOCKED. Then I made one more new IM account, and texted her again, begging her not to leave me for the new guy, and that I was too miserable and sick without her. She then messaged me, telling me not to text or call her anymore or she'll call the cops on me for harassment. I said "SORRY, BYE. NO MORE CONTACT!" and haven't messaged her since. Oh yeah, she also blocked that new account as well. Well, since she blocked my Facebook, I found out that she wrote a new status about "it's time to leave things not needed and find new things that make life worth loving. Also, she removed the photos of me+her in her Profile Pictures album. However, she still has kept some pictures of me in her Profile Pictures album. Namely a prom picture (but it's prom, so it's not about me), a pic she took of the back of my head that looked funny cause she messed up my hair, and a picture of me sleeping passed out on our vacation bed drunk (she used to tell me I looked cute in that picture; it used to have subtitle that said "drunk hubby passed out," and while she removed that subtitle, she still kept the picture). She also kept all the other albums with pics of us together, including where we are kissing and whatnot. It seems like she does not have the nerve to delete everything related to me as of yet. There are a few things I should add (and I'm ashamed that I have been checking up on her like this 1. She has told her friends that she left me because I was not going anywhere in life, that I was only bringing her down, and that in the end, I never really did change for the better for her, and that she wants a stable man with a future and none of my problems and insecurities. 2. One of her friends was slightly optimistic about me, saying that perhaps the breakup would be an eye-opener for me, and help me turn my life around for good. Or that she could simply find a new and better man. All my ex said was "we'll see..." 3. I found out that on Wednesday July 11th she told some close friends that she feels this new guy doesn't like her nearly as much as she likes him, and therefore should quit while she's ahead. She described herself as having felt like she's "the man," as it seems she is trying harder than him. She told another friend that she tried it with him from a "dating standpoint", and it didn't exactly turn out like she wanted it to, and that it just seemed to explode on her (not a sexual reference, just so you know). However, it still appears that they have been keeping in touch with phone/text. Nothing obsessive, but they still have been contacting each here and there. She also spoke with him on phone for half an hour late Wednesday night, which is after she had told her friends she had doubts about this guy. At this point, I am in anxiety-panic mode, as I do not know what to do. See this, this is what will be happening soon.. - Thursday July 12 (yesterday), she might've gone to a latin music and dance concert with the new guy, as on the weekend she told him she wanted him to go with her. It's a perfect moment to bond closer to him and drift away from me - From Friday night until Sunday morning, she, that guy (from what I've been heard), and a bunch of her friends are all going to stay at an uncle's summer lodge house near a beach. There will be booze, and I guess everyone will be partying and having fun. I am afraid that she may end up having sex there, or simply growing more distant from me if she ends up having too much fun or bonding closer to this guy or another guy. - She leaves for South America on early Thursday July 19th, and I am too anxious to just wait for her to call me first - if she leaves and I don't get a way to keep in touch with her (like her readding me to Facebook, unblocking my instant messengers, etc), it will be nearly impossible to get a hold of her, as her Facebook is on private, therefore even with a new account I will be unable to send her private messages. I could only rely on emailing, which is unreliable in itself, and if she has already blocked my main emails, then I would have to resort to new ones that may just be filtered as junk and never read... Some friends told me not to give up hope, that there may still be a chance, but that I need to let her cool down. I still love her like crazy, and it seems like despite her being in a rebound relationship mode, she is unable to delete the memories which are many of our photos (although she did delete like 2 or 3 from her Profile Pictures album, the ones that showed us together... but she still kept Profile Pics that had just me, as well as keeping our albums that have us together as a couple). The thing is, I don't know when to contact her (too last minute may not work out; too early and she might still be furious), and what approach to give her. I really want to let her know that I have quit alcohol for good (have been clean for several days now), and trying my best to eat healthy and stay in shape, and I'm already going for a trades apprenticeship (and it will end up paying me very well once I do it long enough). I am really making the absolute hardest effort to turn my life around for the better, and I am doing it all because I love her... and of course, for myself, too. But I really just want anything for her to come back. I may have hurt her terribly, and I know I am scum for all the things I have said and done, but I cannot let go of someone so sweet, beautiful, and relatable and similar to me as her. I just don't know when I should call her, and I worry that she may be too emotionally distant from me to bother, too close to the new guy or some other guy to care about me, or that she might think it's pointless because she is going on a 5 month study abroad program. I fear that she may not even bother to reply back or call me back. I love her, and I'm 99% sure that she still has some feelings for me somewhere deep in her heart, no matter how cracked or broken that segment may be, but I know she can't just forget me so easily. 7 years of true love do not die so easily... I am just afraid, because I hurt her after I hurt her after I hurt her. When she was in a vulnerable moment, I did things that only upset her further and pushed her away from me, possibly only convincing her more that her decision to abandon me was the right, and thus more likely she will grow closer or cling harder to someone else. I need her back.... I just need to somehow be able to talk to her before she leaves on the 19th. Too last minute might be bad, and so might too early (she might still be upset). I need her back in my life... I love her, and I am so ashamed and worked up about all the horrible things I have done to both her and myself, that I am sacrificing everything possible in the hope that I may make it work once again, even though I know that I don't deserve her for being such ruthless scum. I have never hit her or abused her physically, but what I have done to her within the past month and a half is brutal to the heart of anyone that is even remotely human. She is too good to ever go through something like that... but I need a last chance..... I love her. Please help......... P.S. - I HATE ALCOHOL, IT RUINED MY LIFE AND EVERYTHING. I am NEVER EVER touching that stuff again. It ruined me, it ruined my love life, and it lead me to hurting someone in a way I don't know if I could ever reverse. I HATE IT!!!!!!! Glad I quit...
mustard1234 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 a) deep breath. b) go. to. counseling. therapy, AA, church, sliding scale, psych department at a local university, art therapy, therapy animals...whatever. start immediately. right now. c) STOP contacting her. for at least a month. you are past the point of any credibility in this relationship with her. if you ever hope to get it back, STOP. keeping it real, it's probable that this is a FUBAR situation. Google it. But, whether something can be salvaged or not, you need to respect her wishes and back the feck off. That's the first step to respecting yourself in all this, too. d) repeat a and b was not a joke. Keep talking to us here, we're in your corner. Sorry for all the pain you must feel. The only way out is through...one step at a time.
FullOfRegrets Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 a) deep breath. b) go. to. counseling. therapy, AA, church, sliding scale, psych department at a local university, art therapy, therapy animals...whatever. start immediately. right now. c) STOP contacting her. for at least a month. you are past the point of any credibility in this relationship with her. if you ever hope to get it back, STOP. keeping it real, it's probable that this is a FUBAR situation. Google it. But, whether something can be salvaged or not, you need to respect her wishes and back the feck off. That's the first step to respecting yourself in all this, too. d) repeat a and b was not a joke. Keep talking to us here, we're in your corner. Sorry for all the pain you must feel. The only way out is through...one step at a time. Thank you for your reply. Some of my friends have told me that I may still have a chance before she leaves, but that she needs to cool off, yet I should not promise myself anything... but I do understand why you believe it is a FUBAR situation. I really messed it up badly. I hate alcohol so much for having ruined me and everything I loved so much. Anyway, my fear is that if I DO stop contacting her for a month, it may very well be impossible or nearly impossible for me to contact her again, and that she may just fully move on past me, as it seems that she hasn't entirely done so (due to her 'treasuring' our memories within photos). I mean, I did explain the circumstances on why she would be so hard to reach. Her Facebook has always been in private mode (not because of me, but because she doesn't want strangers sending her messages), and it does not seem she uses any instant messenger other than for the sake of chatting with me. Oh, and Skype... I'm not sure if she even removed me on that, but I don't wanna start harassing her. I've caused her enough already. I am just afraid of losing all touch with her. Really, this relationship COULD'VE kept going somewhere. It would've been good. But I just made one huge mistake: to give into my depressive drinking instead of her advice. And then once I hurt her, I made it worse, and worse, and worse.... I am so stupid............. I mean, even though right now I am already in the steps of fixing things, and I feel a lot more confident now (going to Church this weekend, already heading for an apprenticeship, am trying to take care of my health, and will be going to counseling ASAP), I can't help feeling destroyed that I ruined a relationship with a woman that I could've potentially ended up marrying. We were really that close and related that well. =/
luminousone Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 You are in a tough spot- you may have burned your bridges. Kudos to you for quitting the alcohol! If you are not yet involved in rehab counseling or a program then I suggest you get involved in one to support you in your journey to better health. It sounds like you are an alcoholic. Use this time to better yourself, physically, emotionally, and academically. She is going to be gone for 5 months anyway. Perhaps when she returns then you can check in with her to see where you stand. In the meantime make sure you improve your life. You have to stop checking up on her via friends and facebook. You are delaying your healing when you do that. Let her go and focus on yourself and your health! You have regrets about what you did in the past but it is best to learn your lessons from your mistakes and then let it go and move on. Keep it up with your sobriety and get yourself in a program for support! Good luck
FullOfRegrets Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 You are in a tough spot- you may have burned your bridges. This part really hurts. I don't know if my friends tell me that I should still have hope, and that I may still have a chance, even if odds seem against me, just because they are my friends.... I made them swear to be brutally honest if they had to be, and they had me believing that there may still be a chance, especially because she loved me dear for so long, and our relationship was powerful. =/ I just can't seem to get over her, especially knowing that she is both still treasuring memories of us, and hasn't all let go of me, and is also currently in a vulnerable state where she is doing whatever - no matter how random or undisciplined - to take her mind off of me and her own loneliness. I was in a similar state when I initially broke up with her, except that I was a hard drinker. Her fix is temporary men instead.. Real disappointment for me, but the biggest disappoint in the end is still none other than *me.* I just don't want to give up hope...... I've always believed that true love never dies, it just needs time to heal if something terrible does happen.
chickydoodle Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I really want to let her know that I have quit alcohol for good (have been clean for several days now), and trying my best to eat healthy and stay in shape, and I'm already going for a trades apprenticeship (and it will end up paying me very well once I do it long enough). I am really making the absolute hardest effort to turn my life around for the better, and I am doing it all because I love her... and of course, for myself, too. Yes you need to let her know all this. I would make it part of a written apology and one that suggets you have learned some tough lessons. Let her think that you think you have lost her and wish her the best in life, and that she deserves better but that you will always Love her. Dont put pressure on her to come back to you in any way. Keep it noble, polite, mature, regretful without being soppy or gushing emotionally. Just my opinion. Best of Luck!
dasilver Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I agree with all the posters here.... Focus on getting your life back on track. You said you love this girl....but in your responses to the others i don't see it at all. You love yourself. If you truly love this lady your main focus will be on you not on her. Get your life in order. That means entering some kind of rehab program to take of your alcohol and depression problem, going back to school so you can look for a better job. Doing something that shows you are preparing for the furture (e.g getting your own apartment). I don't believe you love this girl....You love you too much because if you did love her you'd become a better man because that's exactly what she wants.....a better man.
mpeer Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Um, do not contact her unless you want the police to show up at your door. She made this very clear. Please get yourself in rehab and counseling. It sounds like you have some deep rooted issues with depression. Get yourself better and look forward and learn from the mistakes you made.
browneyedgirl36 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I think you need to stop focusing on her and start seriously focusing on yourself. Whether you can ever get her back or not, I don't know, but SO much has gone wrong here that the ONLY thing you can do now is to help yourself. There are several things you need to do, including getting real help for your alcohol addiction -- not just quitting drinking without any help because most people can't just quit alcohol or drugs on their own without some sort of help. I'm not particularly knowledgeable about drug/alcohol treatment programs, but at the very least, you should go to A.A. and get some support. You also need to focus on your physical health; I can't fathom how much one would have to drink at your young age to do serious liver damage to the point where you have the symptoms you've described. You need to see a doctor for tests and guidance as to how you can reverse the damage (thankfully, the liver is a very resilient organ and starts to heal itself almost immediately when you quit drinking, provided that the damage isn't so extensive that it's beyond repair). You need exercise, fresh air, a healthy diet, lots of water, NO alcohol. And, you might very well need medication for your depression. You also most definitely need counseling. No one drinks that much and does what you've done in terms of the destruction of your relationship, threatening suicide, obsessively contacting the ex, etc. -- if there isn't something serious that needs attention. Though I am no expert, it sounds as though you are dealing with alcohol addiction, depression (which is made significantly worse by alcohol consumption) and anxiety (also made significantly worse with alcohol consumption). You've got to address ALL of these things so that you can get healthy and move forward with your life. My suggestion: Start with going to a doctor and tell him/her what's happening -- with the drinking, your behavior with the ex, the suicide threat (even if you didn't have a gun with which to carry it out), your depression -- everything. He or she will most likely refer you to a psychiatrist for therapy and medications. And, ask for a referral to a alcohol treatment program of some sort because even though you've stopped drinking, you are still VERY susceptible to picking it back up again, especially under the circumstances with your ex leaving in a few days and the anxiety that is triggering. In terms of your ex, you need to NOT contact her again. There has been so much damage done here already that I fear for you that if you DO contact her, she'll set the police on you again (she was absolutely doing the right thing, by the way, in doing that before -- she was trying to save your life). Based on what you've written here, it sounds like she hung in there for a LONG time, even when you were not treating her all that well, and she really wanted to work things out at one point but that things have changed significantly due to your behavior. Right now, she's in a place where she wants to be able to move forward and put it all behind her, which is why she's blocking you, not responding to calls, etc. She's probably scared -- and rightfully so -- and annoyed, and sad, and all sorts of other things. I know I would be if I were her, and I would want to get as far away from the source of my pain as possible. You have to respect that right now. This means leaving her alone, working on yourself, getting healthy, changing your destructive behaviors and thoughts, and getting yourself back. Someday -- perhaps when she comes back from South America, perhaps later on down the road -- your paths will cross somehow and she will see how much better you are and things might work out. At this point, though, you need to act as though it's over -- for your own sake -- and pick up the pieces for yourself. I hope you will get medical help right away. You are FAR too young to have liver damage due to alcohol consumption, FAR too young to be threatening suicide and nearly getting shot to death by police, FAR too young to be wasting your life away being depressed and anxious and obsessing over a woman. The world is a very big place, and while people always say "life is short," in some ways, it's very long -- ask yourself how you want to spend the next 50-60 years, because you could live that long, and being healthy and peaceful is far preferable to being unhealthy and miserable.
FullOfRegrets Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 chickydoodle - I like how you at least somewhat side with me and the apology idea... but I don't know when me/she will be ready for it. dasilver - I wish there could be a way for me to prove you wrong. I really did love her and do love her, but I was just too deep into my substance abuse and it caused me to deteriorate so badly, both mentally and physically. I don't know if you've ever been a depressive drinker (but I won't make judgements), however, when you are in those moments, you really are in a pit, and it can be really hard to see what you're doing wrong, and climbing up and out is a struggle in itself. I still love her... I was afraid of her doing things she might regret after the relationship, as she always had a tendency to be somewhat impulsive, as I. She herself is a depression sufferer, and I always care about the state she is in. I have been there for her in her worst times, and have never abandoned her when she went through two years of a state similar to mine, but without the substance abuse. She, however, has improved greatly, despite not being perfect. I, on the other hand, worsened badly because I picked up the bottle like a fool. I am already in steps to improving myself, and I hope that some day she will notice and appreciate me for being a polished, refined version of the man she once loved and may still feel for. mpeer - yeah, that kind of concerns me. browneyedgirl36 - yeah, I will be attending an alcohol support group, and am trying my absolute hardest to be productive and strong, both mentally and physically. I appreciate your concern for my well being, thanks. I am just hoping that she will one day notice me and my improvement, which I solemnly intend to last forever. WEIRD UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A very very short while ago (around 2:15PM), the phone rang about two times until I picked it up, and then said hello a bunch of times, but nothing. I said "hello?" for about 5 seconds, and then for another 5 seconds I simply listened to see if something would come up. Eventually, CLICK.. the individual just hung up. It may have been a cellphone or someone pressing the button on their phone receiver. This has happened to me once before, a long time ago, when she was upset at me for a brief moment and didn't want to talk. I really doubt it is a telemarketing machine registering me as a number that answers, and there is a good chance it may be her somehow checking up on me. Also, there have been the few times where she has called me, but I cannot hear anything, so she needs to call back. If it was her, perhaps she panicked once she heard my voice. All I know is that if it was someone else who wanted to get a hold of me, whether a relative of a friend, they ALWAYS call back right away if the first call somehow didn't go through correctly... and that rarely ever happens with them to begin with. I wonder what this could mean??? I won't get my hopes up too much and sternly believe it was her, but I cannot avoid the possibility. This is weird...
FullOfRegrets Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 ....never mind. I just did caller return (says who last called), and the phone number was my mother's cellphone. Oh well..
chickydoodle Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 7 years of true love do not die so easily... Agreed. I like how you at least somewhat side with me and the apology idea... but I don't know when me/she will be ready for it. I think the right time to do it is when you can do it without having any expectation of how she will respond.ie. do it when you are at a stage of accepting she may ignore it, never read it ....... Dont do it when you are emotional or desperate to prove you are changing. I also agree with the others, that you prob need counselling and rehab even tho at the moment you seem to be doing well by sheer willpower. Your bingeing phase unleased something that needs to be addressed. it is a human flaw to lash out and hurt the ones we Love the most as aptly described in the following quote. ""We often hurt those closest to us. Many times it is only because we are angry at ourselves, and we scream in furor at someone who understands. I am very sorry. I did not mean to hurt you." Perhaps you could google this- print it with a nice design and post it to her?. -Poem by Susan Polis Schutz
FullOfRegrets Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 She's sleeping over at that guy's house tonight.... .....I feel like throwing up....................
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