ManfromMA Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Hello everyone, This is my first time posting. I am two days NC after breaking things off for good with my girlfriend. From the beginning it was all about money with her. I make a great living (> $150,000/year), but do not currently own a house and have little in retirement savings. I survived a bad divorce and spent the last five years living frugal paying off all the debt. I now have stellar credit and barely any debt. My now ex-girlfriend was always critical of my finances and since I met her 9 months ago I have taken great pains to greatly increase my savings, get back to retirement savings and plan to buy a house. I would have loved to have planned to buy a house with her, but she wanted me to buy an investment property first. My ex girlfriend makes a good living too, and together we could have had a very comfortable life. Throughout our relationship she would make all sorts of snide comments about my finances, never gave me credit for my 15 year successful career, didn't matter to her that I haven't missed a $2250.00 child support payment in over 5 years, paid off all my debt long before she and I met, took steps to address her concerns, nothing. I was always a "risk". My ex has very luxurious tastes, lives in a McMansion that she is in debt nearly $500,000 for (just refinanced and wiped her equity), but has about a quarter million in retirement savings. By my calculations, this makes her approximately $250,000 more in debt and more of a risk than I am! But being the kind of guy I am I never brought up this point. I feared we were going to have problems when her Sister visited. Her Sister has recently started dating a millionaire in California. And even though it sounded to me like a dysfunctional horror show, I could tell my now ex-girlfriend was envious. Her Sister visited two weeks ago and from the moment they got together I got the cold shoulder until a couple days ago when my girlfriend texted me and said: "She didn't want to lose me, but she needed me to know we had no future, she needs someone who will be able to take care of her". I lost it, of course fell into the trap of trying to justify my financial security and worthiness to no avail. We had had this argument several times before, and after her simply repeating that financial security was important to her and while I might not be a "great catch" that she wants me to remain a "great friend", I just shut her out, stopped reading her txts, filtered her email and blocked her on Facebook. Despute this I miss part of her terribly, she and I had tremendous fun together when she could look beyond the money. The thing that really annoys me is that compared to many people in this world, I am doing financially great! But I feel terrible about myself, and my self-esteem has plummeted over the last year, despite the good times she and I had. The urge to contact her and try to justify my worth is stupidly strong. The really annoying thing is that after the misery of my divorce, I stopped putting money before everything else. And until I met my now ex-girlfriend, I was living for the moment, simply enjoying the fact that I was alive and healthy. She brought all the financial stress and rat race right back... Ugh! I don't know the point of this other than to share, and to keep from feeling bad about myself or contacting her. Thanks for reading...
charity Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 really, do people like that exist? wow. give it time ...you will see you have had a lucky escape. you have done very well for yourself, don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.
ManfromMA Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 really, do people like that exist? Sadly, yes they do. So SUPERFICIAL it's nauseating... But realizing what she is all about is making me feel better
Mellie Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 You know, when I hear about people like that, I always think of the Japanese tsunami. Would they run back to save their husband, or their lamborghini? There's nothing wrong with seeking out someone ambitious, dependable and responsible. These are great traits, and you clearly have them. There is a whole world of difference though between looking for that, and wanting money for money's sake. It's kind of tragic when you think about it. Money can all be gone in a heartbeat. The things I truly value in life, money could never buy. I'd ditch her.
lilypadgirl Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Gosh, ManfromMA, I really feel for you. That hit to the self-esteem is really hard, especially when you know that by all normal accounts, you are way above average, and more importantly, a good person. I am in a similar situation where I feel like my ex lost respect for me because he thinks I'm the "other end of the spectrum" in being ambitious. Even though I have many accomplishments of my own (phd, publications, great job, good money) just because his ex was this super ambitious person (phd, md, author, COO of company, investor) and we are around the same age. But he described her as cold and efficient and liked that I'm warm and caring. But he couldn't respect me and thought of me as "weak" despite that he feels better with me than her. So he ended up treating me badly, impatient with me, criticizing, or discounting my opinions. I know I'm a great catch and many guys think I'm quite ambitious and successful, but I let my insecurity about my ex really get to me to the point I feel worthless even though I know I am accomplished. And what's worse is that while I like being independent and having my own career, it's not even how I entirely define myself - I'm so much more than just my career. But I let his opinion of me make me feel as if that's the only quality that counts. But I've come to realize that why is their opinion worth more than the rest? They have a distorted value system and chase after money in your ex's case or status/ambition in my ex's case. If they are so narrow-minded to focus on one or two qualities and sees you as only a measure of those two qualities and ignore all other wonderful aspects of you, then they aren't seeing you for YOU. They are only seeing $$'s or resumes, not YOU. They are the ones with the messed up value system. Don't drag your self-esteem through their messed up system. It'll only mess yourself up.
ManfromMA Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 You know, when I hear about people like that, I always think of the Japanese tsunami. Would they run back to save their husband, or their lamborghini? In her case she would save her handbags! And then maybe her children... Me? I truly doubt it. Thank you everyone for your thoughts - they really help! Secondchance67: you nailed it! Newbegin: I can completely relate to how you are feeling. I think these people need to undermine us, because they are really insecure about themselves? I feel bad about cutting her off completely without as much as a word goodbye. But I need to escape...
ManfromMA Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 Hello everyone, Just a quick update. It has been a little more than 3 months total NC. No idea if she has tried to contact me as I configured my email and phone to delete messages and txt's and to answer with a fast busy signal if she called One realization that has helped tremendously is that not only was losing her no loss; but in the long run I have prevented the loss of tons of money. I have no doubt that had I been more "dig-worthy", she would have tried to take me for every cent, not to mention every ounce of my soul...
Limiya Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Hi ManfromMA. I just read through your posts. It certainly does sound like you had a lucky excape. Do you really want to be with someone who is only interested in your bank balance? I can't understand people like that. I could never feel comfortable with someone who i wasn't in love with even if they were rich. For example, an ex boyfriend of mine was a millionaire, and i met him when i was 23. He never told me he had money, but he would throw it around like water. Now i'm from a working class background and always learnt to be careful with money and only spend on what's important. So naturally i felt quite uncomfortable and felt he is hiding some kind of insecurity issue. I never said anything. I later decided i didn't love this man and so i ended the relationship. He kicked and screamed like a child and insisted he was worth millions. I didn't care. I told him so. He said that's why he loved me was because i wasn't materialistic. But by then it was over for me. My current ex is always broke. He has ambition but no money sense, and it drove me crazy. He was always borrowing and spending and it was difficult to keep my own head above water as it was. BUT I LOVED HIM, and that matters more to me than money. So like i said, i think you were lucky in the long term. Enjoy yourself, pamper yourself and you'll one day meet a wonderful woman who loves you for you and the security she has with you will just be a lovely bonus I hope i'm making sense, so i am glad you're feeling much better. Limiya
RogerIsMe Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Wow can I relate. Two of my ex-girlfriends may have been her sisters. What you need to realize is that NOTHING would have been good enough, no amount of money would have been enough. She would simply have moved onto to something else to belittle, diminish or detach from you over. I realized these women could have cared less about ME, it was all about them. My last girlfriend planned our marriage, which she then told me about, including how much I had to spend minimum on the engagement ring, and that she planned to quit her job but still needed the housekeeper of course. I was supposed to pay for everything including her two profoundly spoiled kids and her Father who seems to live off her refrigerator. Funny thing is that I hadn't asked her to marry me yet. Funnier still is that I may very well have if she hadn't dumped me to chase a 55 year old with more cash than I... Look up narcissist personality disorder and see how many traits she matches. You escaped what would have been a slow motion disaster movie for potentially the rest of your life... Stay strong.
Lambert Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Don't get me wrong, I do like having money saved and having nice things... but I don't understand these people that demand money and look down on other people's situations. I don't know anyone that went through a divorce that didn't lose or at least have to re-adjust their spending until things got back on track. I think the only consolation is: she is never going to be happy and truly in love with anyone... she's not capable. It's all about the "what can you buy me". She will never be happy with a home made card or the thought that counts kind of gift. And anyone with a soul knows those are the best kind. You dodged a bullet. You have no reason to justify or feel bad about what you have whether you make 150k or you make 20k, as long as you come by it through honest hard work... there's no shame in it. Be glad.. you sound like you are doing great.
ManfromMA Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 I think the only consolation is: she is never going to be happy and truly in love with anyone... she's not capable. It's all about the "what can you buy me". She will never be happy with a home made card or the thought that counts kind of gift. And anyone with a soul knows those are the best kind. This reminded me of something that is so helpful!! She said several times that "every divorce begins with Kay", parodying the jewelry chain jingle. I thought she was just joking at first, but she was serious and made sure I understood that if I ever bought her jewelry that was "beneath her", that was it. !! How did I sweep this stuff under the rug?! Thanks again to everyone for your thoughts and encouragement! I hope that I can be as helpful for someone else.
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.