Dire need of advice

[James1234]

Hi All,

 

My name is James. I am going to list the pros and cons of my current relationship and I need you guys to make a judgment call as to whether I should stay with her.

 

Pros:

 

1. She is absolutely gorgeous. The best looking girl I have ever been with.

2. She is interesting, the sort of person you want to get to know after even a brief meeting.

3. She is passionate about her career and she will be successful.

4. She wants to stay with me long term, and has even mentioned marriage.

5. She cares for others

6. I am in love with her.

7. We lived together for 6 months and we had a great time

8. She gets on with my family

 

Cons:

 

1. She has slept with 20 guys previously

2. She gave me herpes without prior disclosure

3. She lives 3000 miles away. I can move to live with her in a year or so if I stay with her

4. When she first moved back home, in an apparent 'grey period', she slept in the same bed as a guy she had previously slept with although she claims she rejected his advances (I know, right)

5. She had a rough childhood; she even lived in a homeless shelter for a while as a kid. This has left her with a sense of perpetual ambition which will destroy her if she doesn't achieve what she wants - which is to be a millionaire

6. Her family is poor and unsupportive

7. In an argument she will often escalate small issues into ones that threaten the entire relationship

 

What should I do?!

 

Kind Regards,

 

Max

[Ms Darcy]

I'll address the cons -

 

1. I would move on from that so long as you believe she will be faithful to you.

2. Did you two talk about this? I would be ticked that she didn't tell me ... did she know she had herpes? What's the story?

3. Not an issue if you can move.

4. What is a grey period? Were you together when this happened?

5. I don't think it's fair to judge her on a past she couldn't control. I think the 'perpetual ambition' comment is too much judgement on your part.

6. You shouldn't judge her on that either.

7. Have you talked to her about this?

 

I think pro/con lists can be useful. What this highlights is there is a lot of missing information here. Also, you are not perfect and think about the pros/cons you bring to the table.

[tallydoo]

I think only you can make that decision; leaving the fate of your relationship to strangers on the internet is never a good idea. She sounds like she's made some mistakes (the herpes, especially--have you talked to her about that?) and the argument thing may be a deal breaker for some but not for others. It depends--more details would be better for that one if you really want input. But she also sounds like she has some really great qualities. Can you forgive her past and trust her enough to be with her?

 

(also, is your name James or Max?)

[nutbrownhare]

There are plenty of pros here, so let's look at the cons...

 

- Has she actually cheated on you? The number of previous partners isn't necessarily relevant; I'm guessing the only person who's important to her right now is you.

 

- Did she know she had herpes at the time? (As far as I can gather, you don't necessarily have external symptoms.)

 

- Has she had any kind of therapy or counselling to help her through the traumas caused by her rough childhood? There will be more to it than just being very, very ambitious. This ambition is not necessarily a bad thing; it all depends on whether you two have values which are in synch or not.

 

- What's her family got to do with your relationship? It doesn't sound as though she's wanting to follow them into poverty, or is looking to you to provide her with a wealthy lifestyle.

 

- Escalating small issues... if they're threatening the relationship, chances are that you're both escalating. But see my comment about counselling to overcome childhood trauma.

 

It would be a pity if everyone who had had an unhappy childhood was condemned to an unhappy life regardless of what they did to improve their lot and heal themselves - because others judged them by their families. You need to be very clear about what is and isn't relevant here.

[Ms Darcy]

LOL - Nutbrownhare, you must be my soul sister. We think alike (our posts are similar)! I'm little nutbrown hare and you are big nutbrown hare.

 

Yes OP, give some more thought to the issues before making your decision.

[lovinggirl]

Darcy and Nutbrown, are you twins?