Should I accept the olive branch?

[Hoagy]

Some of you may remember the problems I had with my best friend a few months ago after she got a new boyfriend and started acting like a total b**ch. I won't go into every detail but she emailed a friend of mine saying I was "f**ked in the head" and claiming that I had sexually attacked her - an accusation which was totally false and which she later retracted and apologised for (though she seems to be under the misapprehension that a brief "sorry" is adequate for what she did). She then claimed to be jealous of me because I was single and apparently "holding out for [my] true love". Her whole behaviour and attitude was completely out of order and I had to take the decision to step back and keep my distance from her.

 

We have tried to arrange a suitable time when we can meet to discuss these issues but I'm still feeling raw after what she did and am only prepared to meet on my terms when I feel ready. Don't get me wrong - I don't have a problem with her having a boyfriend (I got on well with her last husband) but the way she has (mis)handled the situation has put a huge strain on our friendship. It's completely unlike her.

 

But I do accept that she has been trying to reach out and build bridges. She has invited me to her barbeque this weekend and I have to give her credit. But I have no wish to be within 10 miles of the boyfriend. I don't trust him and would find it very difficult to restrain myself from planting my fist in his face. I feel it would be best to meet on neutral territory first and talk things over before I can begin any reconciliation, but I don't want to appear churlish and petty by rejecting her invitation. I'm going to have to think of some excuse. I don't like lying but why do I feel like I'm the bad guy here?

[DN]

I would never want anything to do with someone who made a false claim of sexual assault against me.

[Hoagy]

Thanks DN. As far as I know it was only the one person she said it to and they know me better than to believe such lies (if she'd said it to anyone else I'm sure I would know by now) so no real harm done, but it is the principle of the thing. I can't help thinking that there is something more to it though. When she apologised the only explanation she could offer was that she was "confused" - whatever that means.

 

I think you've answered my question for me.

[camus154]

I agree with DN. I can't fathom what you hope to get out of maintaining a relationship with a person like this.

[gilmond]

Hey sounds like you have an interesting situation. Last time I check friends weren't supposed to get jealous of you over anything. They are supposed to be happy for and whatever decision you make and if they don't like it then stop talking to you. I would just make up an excuse like you had plans to go see someone else that weekend and then actually go see someone. It's not a complete lie just the part where it was prior haha. If you guys have had a long friendship and you still think it's worth it to have a friend then accept the peace offering but make sure you just hold back. You are definitely not the bad guy nor should you I hope everything works out for you.

[ReturnToSender]

Thanks DN. As far as I know it was only the one person she said it to and they know me better than to believe such lies (if she'd said it to anyone else I'm sure I would know by now) so no real harm done, but it is the principle of the thing. I can't help thinking that there is something more to it though. When she apologised the only explanation she could offer was that she was "confused" - whatever that means.

 

I think you've answered my question for me.

 

I would step back from this friendship... I don’t understand how she can be so confused that she felt the need to make up a lie about you, especially a lie involving sexual assault.

[DN]

This was not a small thing that she did and there should be harm done - permanent harm to your friendship.

[chickydoodle]

She then claimed to be jealous of me because I was single and apparently "holding out for [my] true love". Her whole behaviour and attitude was completely out of order and I had to take the decision to step back and keep my distance from her.

 

She's the one who sounds f...d in the head.

A similiar stiuation happened a friend of mine. She accused him of stalking her. Got everyone on her side; he was ostricised and lucky to have gotten thru' the course. She then wanted to maintain the friendship???

 

I feel it would be best to meet on neutral territory first and talk things over before I can begin any reconciliation, but I don't want to appear churlish and petty by rejecting her invitation. I'm going to have to think of some excuse. I don't like lying but why do I feel like I'm the bad guy here?

 

I think an excuse is a good idea - lie if you have to.

Meeting her at a later stage would maybe give you some insight into her psyche. Perhaps it would help you to move on a little easier. At the moment it sounds like you need to understand the situation a little more before letting go. The fact you feel like the bad guy suggests guilt of some sort or maybe its just cos you may hate confrontation.

 

My feeling is you do need to meet her at some stage so you are better able to work thru' your emotions around it.

[nutbrownhare]

Thank her for her invitation, and tell her that you won't be attending. Then maintain your distance. No need to appear churlish and petty; in fact, no need to appear anything at all!