I try to talk to him but he won't listen!

[LagunaAlkaline]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 months now and things are amazing! I love him to death and he loves me. We are made for each other. But things get more than frustrating when we fight. We don't fight often, but when we fight, we fight!

I'll bring up something that he's done to upset me and he'll act like it isn't important and I'm over-reacting (most recently he agreed to do something with me 3 weeks ago and still hasn't done it).

He'll tell me to tell him how I feel because it's important in a relationship but when I start to he'll assume I'm going to say something else and cut me off and finish my thought for me (and 9 times out of 10 he doesn't know what I'm going to say).

Then I'll close up and not want to talk about my feelings anymore and he'll get mad at me because I won't tell him how I feel!

It's gotten to the point that I'm sort of afraid to talk to him honestly.

 

I admit, I get mad when he does these things and it doesn't help the fight at hand. When he does these things though, I want to bash my head against the wall because I am trying!

 

What I want to know is, how can I tell him to just shut up and listen to me in a way where he won't get defensive? How do I get through to him that I'm trying! Maybe get him to listen? Advice please!

[mhowe]

You need to do come research on how to communicate effectively.

 

From what you have said, you bring up something that upsets you.....and he gets defensive. So, it could be the way you are presenting the problem. Because that is kinda the normal reaction if you come at someone too strong.

 

Do you listen when he tells you what you are doing that upsets him? Listening is as important as sharing your feeling.

[LagunaAlkaline]

When he tells me what upsets him I definitely listen. I sit and listen and I wait until he has told me everything before I respond.

[mhowe]

Perhaps it has to do w/ your tone?

[LagunaAlkaline]

I speak like I would in a normal conversation. I don't get angry easily. I know how to talk and work things out rationally. It's just when he starts interrupting me and assuming things, I start getting annoyed.

[DylanNotorious]

Well don't close up and tell him how your feeling. Refusing to speak to him is childish on your end.

[mhowe]

If you can see where the train is going off the tracks --- then stop it right there. If he starts interrupting or assuming, calmly state:

 

"Just a minute hon. I listened to you, and if you will just let me get my thoughts out before responding, you will have a better idea of what I mean".

 

Said quietly, w/out heading to annoyed-ville.

[Liraele]

Good advice from mhowe.

 

Just tell him that you feel he is not listening to you when you try to express something. Try different means to circumvent that particular obstacle, such as asking him to stay quiet while you talk, you indicate when you are finished, and then he talks and you extend the same courtesy so you are not constantly trying to talk over one another, or shutting each other down. (I wouldn't try "shut up and listen" because that never goes well. )

 

Also, when you tell him that something upsets you, make sure to keep your language neutral - rather than blaming.

 

"You make me feel bad when you do..." is only slightly different than "When you do ... it makes me feel really hurt." but starting off with a blaming statement rather than an explanation can, at times, make a tremendous difference in how the other party reacts.

 

And offer solutions that are workable for both of you - such as, he could cut back on saying xyz, and you can work on being less sensitive to xyz - find a middle ground.

[mhowe]

Hey --- liking your new tag lines

[LagunaAlkaline]

Well I just told him the "I listen to you, would you please listen to me?" he wouldn't agree because he doesn't feel like arguing right now. I don't want to argue but he won't even let me talk anymore.

[mhowe]

Maybe you just need to back off from the talking for a bit --- and relax and enjoy each other. There can't be that much wrong that you need to argue every few days.

 

And, the "I did it for you, you owe me" type of attitude is kinda what I was talking about.

[Liraele]

I can give you just one piece of advice:

 

Unwillingness and inability to effectively communicate CAN and WILL kill a relationship. Sometimes that is a one-sided deal, but that's all it takes.

 

It really does take two to tango. That's not just a trite saying.

 

What he's demonstrating (and you are as well by shutting down at confrontation) is an unwillingness, rather than an inability.

 

So, at a time where you're neither angry nor upset (and he is not either) you should probably sit down and discuss how you both best communicate and find a common ground that enables you both to do so.

 

Have a conversation about your communication styles, and you, without an issue at hand other than this.

 

Then, when you need to talk about something important in the future, all you should need to say is: Remember what we talked about?

 

If the trend continues, then you have to decide whether to keep struggling or not.

[Ms Darcy]

I understand your perspective as well as his.

 

He is being honest when he tells you to talk about things. BUT we as women can often take that to mean "I am going to tell you what you did wrong."

 

You said you want him to shut up and listen. Nope. That's not an equal partnership in communication. I want you to really rethink the way you bring up issues to him. Tell us here what this issue was that you wanted to talk to him about and maybe we can help you reframe it in conversation.

[MyFreedom]

If only i knew the answer... i exactly had same fights over same kinda reacting at the beggining of our relation... and it is really gonna kill your energy, your love, and your everyday joy with time if nothing changes.

 

After 3 years, it hasnt change at all for us... He is 30 years older than me... so even if i speak nice, or even if he realizes himself how often he reacts too fast... how he is modeling his own idea of what is the reality or ...what is that im going to say... at his age, he doesnt want to change and he keeps telling me.

 

Our situation is quite disturbing because no one enjoys it. I started to be really scared to speak or to express anything i feel. He never opens up excepted when it's revenge time. ..and that hurts. Plus, we speak 2 different languages. I speak french and he speaks greek. We use english as a middle language and we speak with the 3 languages to say one sentence. It's too much to expect from me to understand perfectly his speaking, to try to explain him or tell him that it's not what i was about to say, ....he wont listen and calls me a liar if i dont let him being rude, arrogant, stressed out ...on me. He stops me every 2 words to start a debate on "if the word truly means how i intend it". He even starts to argue with the words that i used in my own language, our expressions, and what they mean !! He build his own meaning for the words without speaking any of the 3 languages well. That is odd! Seriously.

 

He cant write, he can not understand very well what he reads, and i have to speak like i speak to a 5 y-o kid if i want him to follow me. (no verb tense, no big english accent, no strong adjectifs, etc)

The point is that he lives in OUR country since over 20 years now and still he doesnt really make efforts to learn the language. He double efforts to stay focussed if someone else is speaking or if he talks with someone else. (for who he doesnt really care about!) Deceiving

 

I did learn his language the best i could in the first few months that i started dating him... i cared. But he never even cared teaching me. I had to do it on my own or ask around someone to show me the basics.

 

So, I really hope for you that you have the gots to shut down a relation that is going nowhere (if you see it is)... Dont make same mistake i did.... I let him treated me like crap, now i got nothing better than someone knowing he can say what ever he wants and id always be near if he comes back around! Why is he gonna botter to care??? And believe me, it has gotten farther than words....

 

Good luck, and if you find a way... send me a prayer

[MyFreedom]

If it can help

Sometimes someone can have a personnality close to "paranoïa"... which makes him feeling attacked over and over again, and makes him pretend he can tell what you are going to say, or what is the deepest meaning of what you're saying. It's not necessairy the psychose desease, but it's a personnality borrowed to the paranoia. An attitude. It's not something that he IS, it's something that he DOES. (just to be clear that i dont disgrace anyone here)

 

Copy-Paste (from french to english)

This is a state of pervasive distrust suspicious towards others whose motives are interpreted the wrong way. Paranoid personality implies the presence of at least 4 of 7 symptoms:

 

The subject expects, without sufficient reason, that the others may abuse him, diminish, or deceive him

He is concerned about unjustified doubts about the loyalty or the fidelity of these friends / associates

He is reluctant to confide in others for fear that information could be used against him

He discerns hidden meanings, humiliating or threatening through benign events

For him, It is unforgiving of being hurt, insulted or scorned

He perceives attacks against his person or reputation, against which he will react with anger or attack

He questioned repeatedly and without justification the fidelity of his spouse

 

 

Yes i really got pissed off of being accused all the time of things i never thought or never said it the way he made it sound... and over the years, i might got a bitty more rough on the edge at the exact second he's about to do it again (and again)... and i admit with comprehension that i get chocked every time he does it and that i wanna bash my head on the wall, kick me down the stairs, and scream on the top on the world until all my annoying anger reaches out.... but i have to control myself and not do same thing he does because the fight won't never end and at the end, it's always my bad because i gave him a chance to turn around the very first state of this uncomfortable debate which has now became "me and my anger".

 

...So i had no other options than try to tell him, once more, how he hurts me when he draws my reputation as a despicable person based on what he hears.

I started up with a "live case" happening on the moment while we spoke on the phone... and he yelled so hard saying words you cant imagine hearing from someone you love. I dont believe how mean he is. I would never be able to speak like that to my ennemy. I pronounced (with white gloves) somethng very close to the statements mentionned earlier in this post and he started reacting like someone is humiliating him (or whatever)... i cant talk !! There is no communication between us. We dont even live together after 3 years because ive waited him to be ready... and now that his miserable situation is changing on a positive side, he is simply throwing me with the rest because he doesnt need a confort no more in his life.

 

... to get back on our subject : he loses his mind if anything involving a change smells in what im about to say (before i say it).

And he won't shut up and listen until he sees me crying or hurt. Sometimes he even feels good and laugh when i tell him my feelings. He likes when i hurt. After he comes to me to say a LITTLE cute word (like " my baby darling", nothing more) when he empty his bag and i have to be happy again and fake everything has never happened (because he doesnt wanna feel guilty anymore). If not, he is gonna ignore me, just to give me a shot.

 

Then, if i put on the side our fight and the way he hurts me, to try to have a good time with him and not feel down, (hoping one day he's gonna realize) he will start up the fight again because he really wants to see me sad and down after he felt "guilty". And the moment im deep down because he gave me all his dudgeon, he keeps telling me to stop to cry, to go **** myself, and he ignores me completely until he feels to have sex. (or until he decided that i had suffered enough) And the worst thing is that he thinks he's a gentle man! And he shout it out loud!

Tonight, i told him very kindly how i felt, and that it has to stop (because I KNOW he knows exactly what he does. He just ON PURPOSE dont wanna change and wanna keep manipulating me. It has to stop. Ive waited 3 years.) I told him it's not affecting me no more because i wanna respect myself from now on. (if i want people to respect me one day, i have to respect myself in the first place)

 

But he keeps telling me that i dont "have" to ask him to change (which i dont directly). but come on...... if i know i hurt someone, i hope that this "someone" will tell me and i will try all my heart to change. This is the good thing of life no? To be a better person and make self developpement. That is my perception anyways. But he has tooooo much pride. A way toooo much. Everytime he feels guilty or humiliating, he puts an other brick and builds this wall between us. He's gonna go mad, stressed out, crazy, extremely scary, selfish, cold, cocky.... just to not feel the guilt .... to avoid changing.

 

If me, on the other side, i feel guilty (or someone thinks i am), im gonna open myself, try to repare what ive done, and will be willing to accept consequences (even if i dont deserve 'em).

 

And it's not that i put the blame on him and that think i am a perfect partner, but on this subject, this is really the reality and anyone around can tell that he has a serious problem. The point is what do i do? it's a bit late to react because he's lost the sparkle about the fear of losing me. I dont have this credibility no more. But im a serious person when i take a commitment and i understand that i accepted to share my life with him when we first got together (knowing that he was living the worst year of his life) and to work out our relation until the end.... what's happening if only one person is working in progress??? Do i have to abandon him (the battle) ? Or is it still called "abandon" if, in this case, he push you to do it. Im not so much enchanted about "quit someone" (or friend or boyfriend). Im very loyal. But I think he would be happy to see me gone.

 

I dont know.... ADVICES ???????????

[Cheribomb80]

What about writing him a letter and leaving ti for him to find? I have done that in the past with mine.

[MyFreedom]

The subject expects, without sufficient reason, that the others may abuse him, diminish, or deceive him

He is concerned about unjustified doubts about the loyalty or the fidelity of these friends / associates

He is reluctant to confide in others for fear that information could be used against him

He discerns hidden meanings, humiliating or threatening through benign events

For him, It is unforgiving of being hurt, insulted or scorned

He perceives attacks against his person or reputation, against which he will react with anger or attack

He questioned repeatedly and without justification the fidelity of his spouse

 

 

Yes i really got pissed off of being accused all the time of things i never thought or never said it the way he made it sound... and over the years, i might got a bitty more rough on the edge at the exact second he's about to do it again (and again)... and i admit with comprehension that i get chocked every time he does it and that i wanna bash my head on the wall, kick me down the stairs, and scream on the top on the world until all my annoying anger reaches out.... but i have to control myself and not do same thing he does because the fight won't never end and at the end, it's always my bad because i gave him a chance to turn around the very first state of this uncomfortable debate which has now became "me and my anger".

 

The weirdest part is that i always end up doubting about something i was sure at 120% when he hasnt even botter to consider the possibility of mistaking. He forces me to change the reality and it sorta create new souvenirs which you slowly start to believe if you have too much pression. The best example i can give is the interrogation in a police's office that investigates on you.