Mellie Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 So, I emailed my ex asking for my stuff back yesterday (ended on bad terms and he dropped off the radar - about 2 weeks now) and got a reply today, saying no problem and asking how I am. I'm kind of torn now between the heart and the head. The heart says "Wow, he showed some concern. Maybe there's still hope!". The head says "He's just being polite. He was on a dating site 2 days after you split. He just wasn't that into you. He's probably seeing someone else by now. Get over it." I miss him. I regret being a psycho after the split (I sent him a pretty disgusting email). I can see how I was needy and clingy towards the end (I was very independent at the start of the relationship, but the polar opposite at the end). I can see how that might have pushed him away. I probably wasn't a bundle of laughs by the end. After this period of introspection, I've realised my life isn't how I want it to be now, him aside, and I need to make a lot of changes. Start getting things done, and work towards changing it or I'll be stuck here unhappy and unfulfilled forever. You know, logically, I can see we'd only hit the 4 month mark. Maybe that was enough time for him to get to know me and he just realised I wasn't for him, so it wasn't a case of me pushing him away. He was going all along? It was weird though. I swear, in the middle of the night the one time I heard him telling me that he loved me (never heard him say it before), but I was half asleep. Maybe I dreamt it? But in the few days before he was really, really loving. Then suddenly afterwards the shutters came down and he started being cold, aloof and completely unreliable. I'm ok. I have plans for myself which I'll see through whatever (I'm going skydiving in a few weeks ). I'm not bawling my eyes out every day and I know I have a great future whatever if I just start bothering to go out and get it. I was falling in love with him though. We got into this horrible little funk of passive aggressiveness and sniping at each other. I don't know how we arrived there looking back at all. When I saw him on the dating site, I convinced myself he'd just been making life unpleasant for me to get me to finish with him. I thought he'd used me as a stop gap from day one. But now I've calmed down, I remember the nice things he did. And I wasn't an angel either. Wow. All of this from one "How are you?"! Well, you know, maybe at least this way we can end on at least a semi civil note. But part of me can't help wondering "What if?". Any advice appreciated.
mhowe Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 He asked how you were. Nothing ambiguous. Learn from the experience, keep making plans for your life --- and let it go. At 4 months, p/a sniping isn't what is supposed to be happening.
Angel Irulan Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Don't skydive! Pick a less dangerous hobby! Have you ever done anything dangerous in response to a stress, like breaking up? Angel
Mellie Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 Well, I like scuba diving and travelling to slightly dicey destinations. I tried ballooning once but found it all a bit slow. Nah, I like to get the adrenaline pumping, especially after something like this. Give myself a little kick in the pants and let me know I'm alive. Plus I'll be raising funds for charity, so I get the little glow of knowing what a heck of a nice gal I am
brickheart Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Personally, I'd go with an answer that says a few of the things you said just then (not all of it, obviously - just the "I'm doing well, going skydiving, doing x y and z that's really making life great!"). I would just be optimistic and assume he wants to know! If not, well, meh. He asked! That's just me, though. I personally take people at their word. Is their any chance, though, you could tell him in a person? Just pick up your sunglasses (or have him drop them off?) and have like a fifteen-minute chit-chat? That way your mind can have some closure and he can see you're not a psycho ex? I think that would be superb all the way around... ETA: Skydiving is awesome! And raising charity while doing it is even better.
DylanNotorious Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 He's over you, now you just need to get and stay over him. Don't read into anything, he is only replying to an email that you sent.
Shake Spear Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Yeah, i know how you feel If you are willing to get rejected, as him to meet up. Its risky and it might make you miserable again, but in my eyes, having this lingering hope, no matter how small, makes it impossible to fully let go. It is easy for us outsiders to say: "There is no hope, forget about it, go NC and move on", because we have no emotions invested in it I am contemplating doing something similar myself, i know i might set myself up for lots of hurt, but hey, sometimes in life you just got to take a risk Just try to not break down and beg him back
mhowe Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Yeah, i know how you feel If you are willing to get rejected, as him to meet up. Its risky and it might make you miserable again, but in my eyes, having this lingering hope, no matter how small, makes it impossible to fully let go. It is easy for us outsiders to say: "There is no hope, forget about it, go NC and move on". I am contemplating doing something similar myself, i know i might set myself up for lots of hurt, but hey, sometimes in life you just got to take a risk There is takiing a risk, and there is walking in, eyes closed, to a buzz saw.
Mellie Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 Personally, I'd go with an answer that says a few of the things you said just then (not all of it, obviously - just the "I'm doing well, going skydiving, doing x y and z that's really making life great!"). I would just be optimistic and assume he wants to know! If not, well, meh. He asked! That's just me, though. I personally take people at their word. Is their any chance, though, you could tell him in a person? Just pick up your sunglasses (or have him drop them off?) and have like a fifteen-minute chit-chat? That way your mind can have some closure and he can see you're not a psycho ex? I think that would be superb all the way around... ETA: Skydiving is awesome! And raising charity while doing it is even better. Well, we are in the "Getting Back Together" thread, so obviously this is what I'm looking for advice on (not assurances it can happen, or whether it should). This was the lines I was thinking along. I don't think I'll mention the skydiving. It's like "Hey, look how awesome I am!" or maybe "Hey, look how desperate I am, throwing myself out of a plane to get your attention!". I don't know. I think it could come off that way. This is my thang, for me alone. I did it when I went out to Egypt to learn scuba a few months after a breakup. Worked wonders (though the fact that I fell head over heels for my instructor probably played a part). Yeah, I think whatever happens, it's just better not to be parting on horrible terms. I don't hold out a lot of hope. It was only a "How are you?". And MHowe is right - I'm not really sure what I should be hoping for. It shouldn't be like that at 4 months. But on the other hand, we got on really well, til suddenly that wall went up. I think I'm emotionally detached enough to have a conversation with him, but if he just wants to leave it on the doorstep, that's fine too. I do want my stuff back at the end of the day. Oh well, we'll see.
Mellie Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 EDIT: Didn't see the new posts. I'm not up for getting rejected, but then I'm not up for offering him anything either. I am not, under any circumstances, going to beg him or try to "win" him back. I know I miss him, but I also appreciate that things were very wrong in the end. When a relationship ends, and someone just goes "poof" and disappears, you're left with a lot of unanswered questions. My main was, was he never the person I took him for? Didn't he like me at all? Was he just playing me and have I now been discarded? So just this - parting on semi civil terms - even if he just leaves my stuff on the doorstep and I never see him again, is enough really.
calichick007 Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 The posts you made about him prior to the breakup sounded as though you didn't have much of a "relationship" - more you sitting around waiting for him to be nice to you or throw you a scrap of attention. Would you really be happy going back to that, or are you more missing having someone? This is the thread I'm thinking of.... you sounded totally miserable.
brickheart Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 I don't think I'll mention the skydiving. It's like "Hey, look how awesome I am!" or maybe "Hey, look how desperate I am, throwing myself out of a plane to get your attention!". I don't know. I think it could come off that way. This is my thang, for me alone. That's true. It hadn't come off to me that way (obviously, or I wouldn't have suggested it). I guess whenever I do awesome things I just want to milk them for all they're worth, like when I went to southeast Asia for a semester in college. I told absolutely everyone.
Mellie Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 Ooh, southeast Asia - very cool. Was it like The Beach? I've been to Sri Lanka a couple of times (wound up the wrong side of the border when they were still fighting - bloody tourguide!). It was an adventure. Riding through the jungles on elephant back, monkeys scampering on the roof, giant fruit bats - loved all that. I managed to be in Egypt for the revolution too - that was an experience! I don't envisage us ever being friends, probably just acquaintances, so I won't be rushing to ask him to sponsor me or anything like that. I think if people want to find out things, with the advent of google, it's right there within a few clicks. If they don't want to know, no point telling them.
Mellie Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 The posts you made about him prior to the breakup sounded as though you didn't have much of a "relationship" - more you sitting around waiting for him to be nice to you or throw you a scrap of attention. Would you really be happy going back to that, or are you more missing having someone? This is the thread I'm thinking of.... you sounded totally miserable. ] Yeah, you're right. That's where it ended up. I guess I'm just curious how we wound up there, because we got on really well. I can just see a line where it all was skewed and we were taking each other for granted. I can see where he was asking for space and I continued to push-push-push for answers all the time when he made it clear he didn't want to talk. Maybe he was never really into me, or maybe I was pushing too hard. You're right though. I was unhappy in the end. Maybe we are just too different.
mhowe Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Yeah, you're right. That's where it ended up. I guess I'm just curious how we wound up there, because we got on really well. I can just see a line where it all was skewed and we were taking each other for granted. I can see where he was asking for space and I continued to push-push-push for answers all the time when he made it clear he didn't want to talk. Maybe he was never really into me, or maybe I was pushing too hard. You're right though. I was unhappy in the end. Maybe we are just too different. That was it --
Mellie Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 Hindsight is 20/20. I think. Oh, I don't know. I think where I went wrong to a large extent, is presuming to know what he was thinking and felt. I took everything personally when, in fact, it probably had nothing to do with me, until I made it about me. I'm reading How To Get A Grip now. Everything's going to be ok
mhowe Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Of course it is. I have come to realize in the 3 yrs. w/ my bf -- that 90% of the time --- it has nothing to do w/ me. I just focus on my life and what I need to get done, let him know I am available if he needs me---- and let him deal w/ his stuff. And sure enough --- he comes back happy and focused --- instead of distracted and distant.
brickheart Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 I have come to realize in the 3 yrs. w/ my bf -- that 90% of the time --- it has nothing to do w/ me. I just focus on my life and what I need to get done, let him know I am available if he needs me---- and let him deal w/ his stuff. And sure enough --- he comes back happy and focused --- instead of distracted and distant. You're so wise. I really need to think about this next time I'm in a relationship and trying to argue with a guy who's trying to deal with things that really aren't me. In the last case, trying to deal with "adult" responsibilities like a job, house payments, car payments, etc. And I made things all about me. Ah, the selfishness of youth!
Mellie Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 Thanks mhowe. I guess it's that I don't have experience of being with someone so... I don't know what the word is... someone who would just shut down when they had a problem (or maybe there wasn't even a problem - I don't even know!). He said if he has problems, he doesn't discuss them with anyone - he has to work it out for himself. But what kind of flashed up as a big red flag was when he said "don't ever try to understand me". Maybe he could see I was analysing everything but... I don't know... How can you be with someone if you don't understand them? Not necessarily agree with them on every tiny little issue but surely there has to be a basic level of understanding? I felt really insecure and then started clinging on for dear life. I'm the polar opposite. If I have a problem I'll talk it through with people I respect and take their comments on board, but ultimately do what I want to anyway Maybe we were just too different and couldn't make each other happy.
mhowe Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 You're so wise. I really need to think about this next time I'm in a relationship and trying to argue with a guy who's trying to deal with things that really aren't me. In the last case, trying to deal with "adult" responsibilities like a job, house payments, car payments, etc. And I made things all about me. Ah, the selfishness of youth! Age certainly has a lot to do w/ it -- and knowing, truly knowing, that there isn't anything "wrong" with us...and not manufacturing that there could be. For instance, he recently apologized for being "grumpy". Kind of surprised me --- he is NEVER grumpy when he is with me.....and I realized, he meant "distant" -- because he had been -- because he was stressed about a job he was working. I assured him I was okay w/ him, regardless of how he was feeling. I appreciated the apology --- and then put the 'chat" behind us and we went and had fun.
mhowe Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Before you get into your next relationship, read Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus. Men and women approach things differently. Most men will not "share" a problem -- they will solve it. And the more you push, the more they run. And the more you cling, the more afraid they become.
brickheart Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Ooh, southeast Asia - very cool. Was it like The Beach? It WAS cool. I don't know what The Beach is, so I can't say... but I didn't go to the beach (lowercase) perhaps as much as I should have.
Mellie Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 Before you get into your next relationship, read Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus. Men and women approach things differently. Most men will not "share" a problem -- they will solve it. And the more you push, the more they run. And the more you cling, the more afraid they become. I've read it. I'm just struggling with implementing it!
Mellie Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 It WAS cool. I don't know what The Beach is, so I can't say... but I didn't go to the beach (lowercase) perhaps as much as I should have. The Beach is a kinda cheesy Leonardo Di Caprio film. But aside from the corny love story part of the plot (they were cheaters at the end of the day, shame on them there was a good story there and some great quotes.
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