fionaapple Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Well, here it is. I'm so confused and unsure of what to do that I'm writing into (cyber) space in hopes that someone out there will read this and help me sort it out. Any advice or commentary is appreciated but only serious replies will be taken into consideration - she is my best friend.. She is funny and very outgoing, she's promiscuous and feminist and very politically opinionated. She's emotional and smart and has connections and style and looks to me for advice. I look up to her, too, because many of our situations have been parallel or at least we've seen the other at the lowest and tried to help. It seems though, that I have not needed her help for a while longer than she's needed me. I have grown up, and done everything that comes with growing into myself. She hasn't. She's still as selfishly unaware as she was in her early 20s. I love and admire her for this but lately I've been feeling stuck - her stories of friend drama, drunken nights and endless string of men who treat her badly are becoming exhausting. We've both noticed it. Recently I received a text telling me she had found questionable information about her newest beau which left her pretty positive that he was sleeping around, most likely with a few women and most likely without any protection. Ever the giver in relationships I had a hard time believing that she was ok with keeping it casual and was ok with the fact that it would probably end soon. She also mentioned she would keep using condoms and that would be it. I received a text tonight telling me she had sex with her philandering beau and let him 'go' inside of her. She felt bad and did it because she hates herself so much and wanted to know if a man would hate her as much to do that to her. Of course I couldn't believe it. As a counsellor who has worked directly with HIV/AIDS patients I can't take this stuff as a one-off. I get very frustrated hearing about people particularly well educated highly aware WOMEN making decisions like this for whatever reason to do with a man. It's just not smart, I can't get behind it and I can't keep quiet when I hear about it. I told her I loved her too much not to say anything and that she can't do this stuff to herself any more. She told me she knew and that she just wanted to tell someone. So again, I said: Listen, I love you and know this issue with self hate and men are connected to some pretty deep stuff in your past. I encourage you to look into all of that dark stuff and work it out but seriously, quit acting like this and get checked at a sexual health clinic. She got mad at me and told me she didn't need my 'shaming'. She again told me she just wanted to tell someone. I guess she's upset I responded at all. Either way, she stopped talking to me and now I'm feeling guilty. Did I do the right thing? Wrong thing? Where do I take it from here? I don't want to get resentful, I also don't want to be taking the place of a journal without any room for my opinion, voice or friendly advice when needed. Thoughts?
r0ckox Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 not safe for work. but this really isn't, cuz it's just text. pictures are usually nsfw
fionaapple Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 Sincere apologies for using wrong wording. I wrote about sex and coming inside someone so I figured this would cover my bases. Maybe I should have added a picture..
punished Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 I have life long friends that I have grown apart from. But only in one sense. We still see each other and throw birthday parties for each other all that stuff. But we are 35. I have a house, children, and a husband and they have martinis and gossip and drama. It puts me to sleep sometimes listening to it and pretending to care. Although their problems are not extreme like your friend's. Sometimes in strong friendships and also in families tough love is the best thing you can do. It sounds like she is living a confusing life, having strong feminist beliefs and acting like she has to let a man treat her bad sexually to keep him interested. I feel for her as I am sure you do. But I also feel for you. She is putting you in a tough situation. She wants to tell someone so she turns to her friend (you) and expects you to listen. But you love her. You are going to give your opinion if she is being unsafe. She will come back to you. And she needs counsel. If she doesn't want it from you she should get it from a professional. But you wouldn't be a good friend to hear of her doing dangerous activities and not say something to save her.
SofijaVaughn Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 It sounds to me like the two of you are on completely different wave lengths. Don't feel guilty about any of the things you said to her, you said them simply because you care. If she can't see that then she has some serious growing up to do. I'm in a similar situation (there's actually a post about it up lol) My best friend is very immature and makes very poor decisions and I was also getting tired of listening to the countless stories of her screw ups. I finally told her how I felt and tried to give her some advice and she just shut down and got really upset with me. At first I felt bad but then I realized that we've really grown apart and if she can't listen to reason then she's on her own and can deal with her problems herself.
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.