Don't understand how her brain works

[sandy cheeks]

So I go on vacation with my friend of 8 years.....

 

A couple days into the vacation and I've been doing all the driving as we tour the Pacific North West. She's getting on my nerves; tensing when we go around turns, asking me how fast I'm going, shouting "cop!!" anytime there is a police car in sight. So I say something to her like, "You know how you don't like it when your husband criticizes your driving? Well that’s how I'm feeling now." She says she's NOT criticizing my driving. She says she hasn't said a word. I point out the dramatics around corners and the "cop!" thing. She said she's scared and can't help but react. (I've never had an accident, she knows this.) And she says by yelling "cop!" she actually is doing me a favor. Because if I was to get a ticket so far from home I'd have to pay it on the spot, and there would go all my vacation money, and it would completely ruin my trip. Now... I know she's not correct. I wouldn't have to pay it on the spot, I would have to pay by a certain date or appear in court. But I don't point this out because it would do no good. Plus, who thinks like that? So I tell her she's welcome to drive. She says she doesn't want to. "In that case," I say, "Please lighten up on me." End of conversation. I drop it... try to get back into vacation mode.

 

Three hours later and she's hardly said three words to me. At some point she blurts out, "I'm not a bad person! I wasn't criticizing your driving."

 

We stop to get lunch. She asks me to order her a cheese burger while she runs to the bathroom. I'm ordering just as she comes back. She says to the waitress, "Make that two burgers." The waitress starts asking what we want on the first burger. But I didn't want a burger. I was ordering hers, like she asked me to. So once I have the waitress’s attention I simply say "I'm not ordering a burger. We only need one." So she tears off the order sheet to start another. My friend says, "OK! Gezz! You don't have to be so mean about it.", and storms off to a booth. I finish the order; have a nice conversation about the town with the waitress and go sit down to wait for our food. My friend launches on me about how I'm so... negative and how I offended her and the waitress. I'm not the best at social cues but I'm pretty sure the waitress wasn't at all offended. I tell my friend this. I also suggest calling the waitress over to the table to ask her if she was offended. Yes. Sarcastic I know. But I'm so sick of being accused of acting a certain way, or meaning a certain thing when I DO NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST!

 

To shorten this story I'll summarize. By day four she's saying I need to either take her to the airport or find a hotel where we can get separate rooms and spend the remainder of our vacation. Whatever. I am so done with her dramatics. I offer to take her the airport. She says "fine", she doesn't mind sleeping in the airport. WTH!? Why wouldn't she just get an early flight? Because it costs $$ and her husband wouldn't be able to pick her up. So why say that's a choice? We opt for the hotel thing. She calls me after we check into separate rooms and asks what time I want to meet in the morning. I say check-out, ten o'clock. She says, "Fine. I guess I can go without food for that long." Then hangs up. Then refuses to answer her phone so I can point out to her that she is more than welcome to ask for the rental keys so she can get some food. At one point on the drive to the hotel she refused to stop and let me pee because she was worried I'd drive off and leave her! (Did I mention we've been friends for eight years?)

 

There are other things too. Like when I told her another friend might be going on vacation with me and my family next year. She got all mad. Not because she was jealous, but because of the way I told her that this other friend was going with. Because, as she pointed out, if the tables were turned and she was telling me that another friend was going on vacation with her, I'd be very upset. Huh?! You're mad because you think I'd be mad at you saying that thing to me? That one made my head hurt.

 

 

I don't get this. I don't get this at all! Really. What the hell is going on inside her head? After some time had passed I tried to smooth things over. She wouldn't hear of it. She chose instead to spend the last two days of the vacation shut up in her hotel room, alone. I tried to make the best of it. I took the metro into the city and did some sightseeing. It was an ok vacation despite the dramatics. But it is more than likely the end of our friendship.

 

I'm just so tired of the stress and drama. I really want my "best friend" to have a good opinion of me. But it seems no matter what I do or say, I never get it right. She's mad at me so I leave her alone, then she mad at me for not trying to draw her out. I'm "damned if I do and damned if I don't" Augh!

[fionaapple]

Wow. I had to scroll to the end before I read the whole thing because this sounds SO similar to my friend.

 

I truly believe that most people, especially interesting people, grow apart at some point in their lives. It may be when whatever was keeping you to connected falls away - like school or work, or small kids, or getting married, etc.. It also may be built up resentment over a span of years. This can be 6 months, a few years, 8 years, 20 years.. I've seen and heard it all.

 

After I started noticing these things about my friend and I - almost as if we were stuck in a bad love relationship - I started taking stock. Some of my friends are for specific purposes like the one I go shopping with, the one I get drunkest with, the one who I'd call in an emergency, etc. Some of my friends are just around because they have been for so long and I just never had a reason to get rid of them. Think about it. In a love relationship if you're dating someone who treats you badly or puts you down or uses your services with no intention of reciprocating you (hopefully!) dump their ass into next Wednesday. On the other hand if you are dating someone who at one point you loved and shared future dreams with but now feel lukewarm or resentment for you sit them down, break up gently and move on with your life wishing them well.

 

With girlfriends you either have a blow out break up for a specific reason or you get a clinger. Someone who will just always be there.

 

I don't know you and your friends relationship for the past 8 years. Did this just turn or have there been signs you didn't want to see? I know that your story doesn't sound as if you did anything to deserve the run around arguments and wacky sense of entitlement she seemed to have during your trip.

 

Maybe she is the clinger you have to decide what to do with. Don't keep her around just because you've never not had her around. Give it all a little time and space and let the relationship tell you your next move. Just like you can't force love, you can't force friendship. It's as important to your mental and emotional health as any love relationship and don't deny yourself that.

 

It's a great loss to lose a good friend too soon so give it thought. I wish you the best

[DN]

Doesn't seem to me that she has much of a brain.

[SofijaVaughn]

Totally agree with fionaapple! If any kind of relationship in your life is unhealthy you should cut it off whether it is love, friendship or otherwise. I just went through something similar with my best friend. I couldn't take how irrational and immature she was anymore so I recently cut her out of my life and I couldn't be happier. We had been friends for years but don't let the amount of time you've known someone dictate whether or not you should keep them around. Look at the bigger picture, if all the friendship does is stress you out and put unnecessary drama into your life then you don't need it.

[gluestick]

Totally agree with fionaapple! If any kind of relationship in your life is unhealthy you should cut it off whether it is love, friendship or otherwise. I just went through something similar with my best friend. I couldn't take how irrational and immature she was anymore so I recently cut her out of my life and I couldn't be happier. We had been friends for years but don't let the amount of time you've known someone dictate whether or not you should keep them around. Look at the bigger picture, if all the friendship does is stress you out and put unnecessary drama into your life then you don't need it.

 

I agree with Sofija. It doesn't matter if they're friends you've known for years. If they're bad for you or around you, then cut them off. I've had to cut a ex best friend who I've known for over 15 years. Her behavior now is definitely one I do not appreciate. Nobody wants a friend who brings people down just to make themselves look good or cause unnecessary drama.