I need to know if my husband has anger problems or i'm exagerating

[trulyhiurt]

Yes, we have 2 kids, only the big kid woke up.

[Juliette ne pas]

No one has mentioned anything about the kids here. Parents fighting can wreak havoc on a young childs life and physically fighting each other for him? That's awful. How old is he? You baited him against each other and as a result drug him through the mud as well. You need to make sure your son is okay first and if possible you both need to sit him down and help him work through what he saw. My heart goes out to him. I was a young child where my parents fought and it wasn't even physical. I'm 25 and it still bothers me. Parents just don't realize what it does.

 

your right...that is so sad...my heart does go out to the little boy....

I'm sorry for what you went through ...and yes we as parents do...I look at my children and I know...the hard part is knowing what is the best for them...having both parents who ocassionally fight (not over them) or separation...in this last year my husband has been gone more than he's been here....he's been stressed about work, taking colege classes (failed two), and trying to spend time with his boys (notice I'm not in the list)....but he is so worked up he barks at the smallest thing, my children are scared of him when he's here... he finds fault with everything I do, my boys want us together, I love their Dad....it's not easy to know what the right think to do is....believe me...I talk to my boys...and I just now am able to get them counseling...my children are my heart...but I understand, my oldest holds me responsible and no longer wishes to speak to me...it hurts, but I understand and will respect his wishes... Rosel

[mhowe]

I think, from what you have said, that what you share is pretty solid. He loves you, he loves the kids.

 

You both need to pratice communicating when the "playing field" is level ---- not when one is in a bad mood or the other is too frustrated.

 

And find compromise ---

[Juliette ne pas]

Yes, we have 2 kids, only the big kid woke up.

Look, you did your best with your son....you need time to think, you can call a hotline and they will give you info on people to talk to who have better insight....please don't give him the list...if you can, it would be good if you could stay with a friend or a hotel for a day or two...with your boys...There is nothing wrong with taking a time out....we do that with our children, don't we?? You both need time to calm down...just make sure via a nice message that you let him know...you are sorry you pushed him...but you are still stressed out and need time to regroup your thoughts and emotions...I believe you are the primary care giver, take the to day care and what not....This may lead down a path of destruction for your marriage....but you shouldn't feel like a prisoner in your own house...call a battered womens hotline....tell them the truth, ask them their advice...they are knowledgeble...and can help you see things more clearly....yes he didnt beat you, but verbal abuse is still not good...he shouldn't call you a bad mother, especially in front of your son... you and only you know how you feel....You must do what you can for your boys sake....I wish I could hug you and make it dissapper...I cant...I can tell you that you must strengthen you, so that if you stay or go, you can better deal with the boys father....because no matter what you will always have to deal with him because of your sons....I wish you, your husband, and your boys the best...always, Rosel....I've got to go now and give my two a big squeeze...and fix lunch....

[csr14]

Thank you Rosel, i can see you do understand how it feels to be cornered, i appreciate your words and well wishes.

 

Like i said, when i took my son to the patio yesterday i tried to explain how even when 2 people love each other too much (like he loves his brother) sometime people make mistakes and fight, and even when they fight they still love each other, and that it's wrong to fight. I told him i was very sorry for everything. By the time i put him to bed he was calmed, this morning i asked him if he had questions about what happened, he said if we were still fighting, i lied and said we had spoken that night and that we were good now. He went to play and seemed normal. He is 8 by the way and he sleeps accross the hall from us.

 

I"m not saying your a bad mom for this - just making sure he understood was the right way to go. I'm sorry for the problems you are having and it's definitely something that needs to be worked on. I know many here are eager to attack you when you display a tinge of wrong-doing when really your asking for help.

[luminousone]

There are ways to diffuse an angry situation and it takes skill and resolve on your part

 

The best thing is prevention of course, so choose carefully those times to have discussions.

 

I really hope you set up an appointment with a marriage counselor immediately.

 

In the meantime a few books have helped me with my relationship and communication skills:

 

"The Feeling Good Handbook" by Dr David Burns has an amazing chapter on healthy communication and my ex and I used that in counseling. It has helped us to become better parents too.

 

Another great book is called "Self Assertion for Women" by Pamela Butler. It has sound skills abd techniques and I have recommended this book for men too.

 

But please call a counselor today - and if he wont go then you must go on your own for tbe sake of your children. Call today! It is crucial!

[BrianH46]

I"m not saying your a bad mom for this - just making sure he understood was the right way to go. I'm sorry for the problems you are having and it's definitely something that needs to be worked on. I know many here are eager to attack you when you display a tinge of wrong-doing when really your asking for help.

 

Actually she asked for brutal honesty, reassurance in what she did, or for another point of view. Plus the title asked if her husband had anger issues or not, the resounding answer being that they both have issues all the same time providing the perspective that instigation/ physical abuse is not tolerated even if it is from a women directed towards a man. This forum is pretty honest they may chide from time to time but attack is a strong word usually however its caring words coupled with a listening ear or reading eye in this case : P.

[Lester]

I know what she said but a still do not like what I am hearing!

 

I must read between the lines. Her self-debasement is typical in all early stage abuse.

 

This man had two strikes, (his Mom/Dad), against him long before the marriage.

 

Without more detail I must stand by what I said earlier…

 

Truly, Don’t expect this to get better! Acting like it never happened and not getting real help is the worst thing you could do!!!

 

YOU MUST HAVE ZERO TOLERENCE FOR WHAT HE DID!!!! I DON’T CARE HOW BAD HIS DAY WAS!!!

 

PS, Get help now!

[DN]

Self-abasement doesn't include starting the argument and starting the physical stuff. Reading between the lines is not helpful if you don't read the lines themselves.

[Glowguy]

I really think people are jumping the gun here with all the therapy comments unless this is a frequent occurrence. Most relationships have their failings and at the worst times things can devolve to this point. I know it's happened to me more than once. I'm usually a pretty patient person and not abusive at all but I've had my moments where I found it very difficult to control my anger and lashed out to my regret. I'm sure your husband doesn't feel good about this either and it's very possible he realizes his faults here as well. I would take the high road and apologize to him for screaming and tell him you just want to make things better between you two.

 

I can see why it is frustrating to you not sharing a bed, but he probably just prefers to sleep alone. I've had partners like this and I'll admit it bothered me, but I've actually read some articles stating that sleeping apart can be good for a relationship. It makes sense since sleep deprivation really amps up the stress factor. You two have a healthy sex life and it sound like your marriage is relatively healthy. I do think you did the right thing by trying to get away from the situation. It's best to walk away when you can feel your temper rising to the point of losing control. I think your husband's main fault here is not letting you have the space you needed to calm down. Try to communicate that to him in a non threatening way that you just need a small break to collect yourself every now and then and you are not trying to ignore his concerns. It does sound like your husband is feeling unappreciated based on some of his comments so that might be a separate problem.

[becomingkate]

I can see how this all happened - it seems as though the problems have been simmering below the surface for awhile, until the dynamic was ripe for a fight. I think you were both in the wrong.

 

About the car - does he resent giving you this car? Does he think that you don't appreciate him or something? And it sounds like you resent him for sleeping on the couch. Are you concerned that he is drifting away? Other than this fight, do you have each other's back?

 

Even if you don't get therapy, I would suggest learning a better way to communicate.

 

I don't know if this will help you, but it really helped my husband and I. (We both met at a time where we were both recovering from abusive relationships)

 

- When my hubby is tired and grumpy at the end of the day, I do something really nice for him, like make his favourite meal and let him have a nap. In turn, when I'm having a bad day he'll make supper or clean the bathroom.

 

- If I am starting to resent him for something (like not calling me during the day) I might bring it up after supper, when we're alone on the back deck. I'll start with "how was your day", let him say anything he needs to say, then say "I figured something was up, you've barely said 20 words to me today." I keep my tone light and will often hug him from behind or hold his hand when I'm saying this, then I'll usually compliment him on something, i.e., "by the way, you looked so handsome when you got home. Love that shirt."

 

We have been together for almost nine years, and we don't fight very often, so maybe we've gotten better at communicating. Also, although I almost ALWAYS apologize first, I have come to realize that I really mean it when I say I didn't mean to start anything, and he always means it when he says he appreciates it and he's sorry too.

 

Good luck.

[Ms Darcy]

I think it is minimizing the situation to suggest that therapy is premature here.

 

Outside of this argument she has a list of complaints, he has an abusive background, and they are not sleeping together. There are deeper issues here and sometimes a third party is the only way to improve communication.