trulyhiurt Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 This is the first time i'm in this site, last night i had the worst fight with my husband of 10 years, this morning i searched for relationship advice and this site came up, i will try to short and to the point, but excuse me if i can't. My husband comes from a broken home where he saw parents abusing each other since he was little. He has never been abusive because he didn't want to put our two kids through what he went. Last night he came home very tired from home, he didn't even want to talk. Something came up and i confronted about it (it was really stupid) i saw he got really mad real fast and i thought it was not worth a fight, so i told him i didn't want to fight and to just leave it alone, but he wouldn't he refused to let me leave the kitchen and he kept demeaning me (telling me all i say is bla bla bla, silly stuff, i was overreacting as usual, etc) i kept telling him he was missing the point, he was really hurting me and i didn't want to talk, i could feel i was getting too angry and i know for sure i can't control my anger, so i went upstairs to my bedroom and left him in the kitchen. He followed me and said i was being childish, that i complain for no reason, that i should be thankful for how wonderful he is to me, that he never goes out with friends to be with me. And i snapped. At this point i was yelling more than him, it was a screaming match. I kept yelling he should leave because i did not want to hurt him and i knew i was going to because i've had it. But he wouldn't leave and he wouldn't let me go. I pushed him out of my way and he pushed me back and threw me back to the bed, at this point i noticed that with all the yelling one of our son's had woken up and he was standing by the door watching everything unfold. I told my husband he was there and he kept shouting that i was doing it, that he (our son) would never un-see what i was doing, that i was the worst mother, etc, i kept telling him to just let me go, and when he turned to get our son i run outside. He followed me with our son in his arms, and kept yelling: look what you have done( the kid was crying), he will never forget this, i tried to get my son off him and he kept pushing me, so i stand back and asked my son if he wanted to go with me, and he threw himself at me, so i took him and went outside again, there i calmed him and reassured him that i was very sorry for what he had just seen and that his daddy and i loved him, and we loved each other even if we had just been so bad to each other. Sorry, i tried to make it short, but i wanted to give you the full account. I made a list of the things that bothered me (besides the part where does not respect my space/feelings when he is angry) but i haven't spoken to him and i haven't send him the list. I know he thinks everything that happened was my fault and he is a victim of me. I need brutal honesty. In my mind, he can't stand the thought of me not talking to him when he wants because of the giant ego he has now (he has accomplished a lot in a short time, money-wise) and that was the reason for him not letting me go. I know i should have kept my cool till the end and not reacted the way i did, i know i'm not an angel and i have a lot of fault in what happened. This is what i think, i need reassurance or another point of view.
luminousone Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 It sounds like you both really need the help of a counselor. For the sake of your children I hope you get out your phone book and look up marriage counselors and start interviewing them immediately.
DN Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Seems to me like you are both to blame for what happened and both got angry.
mhowe Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I think you are the one w/ the anger problem. And you "started" the physical altercation. And you escalated the tone. Agree w/ others. Seek counseling -- together or alone.
trulyhiurt Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 I do have a problem managing my anger, that was the reason i tried to move away from him before i exploded. I did not escalated the tone, he was yelling at me for a good 5 minutes before i finally had it and joined him (which i know is the worst to do).
mhowe Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Hon---- you knew he wasn't in a good mood to start. And kinda picked the fight. And then walked away, knowing he wouldn't drop it. Or doesn't like to drop it -- whatever. And if you know you have a problem w/ anger --- then figure out a way to solve it. Don't just accept that that is the "way you are". Change is a choice.
JA0371 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Not quite sure how the OP caused this fight. She said she walked away from him....to ME that is managing her anger. I agree with DN that they are equally to blame.lbut ai think the OP realizes that.
DN Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Last night he came home very tired from home, he didn't even want to talk. Something came up and i confronted about it Well, look at this part. He didn't want to talk but the OP confronted him anyway and then she walked away when he got angry - which was not hard to predict. Very frustrating behaviour.
trulyhiurt Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 I don't say "this is the way i am, deal with it", i am not defending what i did, i know i was wrong, i can only take so much before i know i will start yelling, i know how much i can take and when i reach that point i know i will be screaming. That was the reason i walked away. Just to be sure i made myself clear: the subject i brought was not stupid, but he was not in a good mood and bringing it up was stupid. The issue was that he has been sleeping in the couch for whatever reason ( he was tired and fell asleep there, or he was watching a movie there and din't feel like going to our bed, he didn't want to disturb my sleep, he was hot, etc, etc) this has been going on for 2 years now (since i got pregnant with our second kid), so i told him that i felt that he was drifting away, that i have reached the point where i don't miss him in bed and that on the rare occasion that he does sleep with me he bothers me, and that i did not want to feel that way, and that i was concerned about that. He said i was overreacting, that i should be thankful for how good i have it, that he gave me a $30,000 car and no one does that (he has been bringing this up since he bought the damn car a year ago) it's not like i don't work. I work full time and then come home and take good care of him and our kids, and he acknowledge this, but apparently money beats everything else, and he has more than i. I did walk away when the only things come out of his mouth were: you are so childish, you don't know how good you have it, you complain for everything, when i go out to find women then you should complain, i'm still sleeping here, so stop *****in.
JA0371 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 It takes two to fight though. He didn't have to pursue her once she walked away.
mhowe Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 This is about your relationship -- not an argument. And if he hasn't slept in the marital bed in 2 years, it is a major conflict. And you should try therapy to get past it -- because the anger is a symptom of the problem...not the problem itself. And the more you shove it under the rug, the more it errupts everywhere else.
trulyhiurt Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 He sleeps on the couch but until yesterday he has always been sweet to me, he says he sleeps better alone, we have regular sex (4-5 times a week), but it really bothers me that he doesn't sleep in the same bed with me, i have told him this in many occasions and he just brush it off.
csr14 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 No one has mentioned anything about the kids here. Parents fighting can wreak havoc on a young childs life and physically fighting each other for him? That's awful. How old is he? You baited him against each other and as a result drug him through the mud as well. You need to make sure your son is okay first and if possible you both need to sit him down and help him work through what he saw. My heart goes out to him. I was a young child where my parents fought and it wasn't even physical. I'm 25 and it still bothers me. Parents just don't realize what it does.
mhowe Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Until yesterday? And you are the one that brought up a "major issue" when you knew he was in a foul mood? Sex 4-5 times a week, he is sweet to you....but you want what you want. He (apparently) sleeps better alone. You sleep better w/ him in the bed? Compromise. Question: where do your kids sleep?
JA0371 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Some people sleep in different beds for different reasons. I sometimes can't go right to sleep in bed, so I watch tv or use my IPad till I can. Some are bothered by snoring....not sleeping in the same bed is not neccessarily a marital problem. The fighting is the problem.
Juliette ne pas Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 First, I feel for you...I'm having problems along the same line....you feel the need to discuss issues when they come up...read marriage self help books, didn't you...big mistake...unless your spouse s on the same page it doesn't work...yes, you did see it wasn't the right time to approach him..and you did, ok yeah that was dumb....but he escalated and cornered you, you felt afraid, you tried to alert him and to withdraw...you alerted he about your son and that set him off more....he was dead wrong to involve your child, to not break off...there must be something that he was stressed about before hand and you were the last straw....he does have anger issues, he withdraws and most likely internalizes issues, this is not good (I know, been there,done that, trying to change) where you are able to verbally deal( like my hubby...he can spew forth such venom one minute, like yours did,.... the next he's fine...and I'm still stewing) ....Sadly, this is the norm...and is why most couples break up...to include me. It is a communication issue compounded by emotions. If he agrees to counseling...be careful cause with the wrong counselor thing might become worse.... Please one thing, I know in the heat of battle things are said that aren't meant...please no matter what he says...don't say things that you may regret(you must keep yourself in check, you are responcible for you)...those scars never seem to heal...they are far worse than physical violence...trust me...I would rather be hit or shot at, than deals with words...words kill...believe me....as it is said. "The pen is mightier than the sword." Please get help for you and your son...if not...he may inherit this lifestyle and I KNOW you dont want that for him...as the mother of four, I know of what I speak, help yourself, after all all of us are wounded...and when a wounded animal or person is backed into a corner...we attack....good luck, Rosel
Ms Darcy Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I think you are trying to blame him when you both are to blame. I suggest couples therapy because you both need a lot of help.
Unreasonable Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Um, I don't know of a SINGLE couple that doesn't have screaming matches every once in a while, and say things that are over the line. And this has not happened in 10 YEARS?? Based on that, I do NOT think he has "anger issues." You both handled this poorly, he could probably easily say you have "anger issues" too. And if you do that, abusiveness, wether emotional or physical, can rub off on people too. I've known physically abused men who didn't have a violent bone in their body until they got beat up too many times and finally hit back. Based on your "came home tired, didn't want to talk" comment, my guess is he's just really stressed out about something right now, maybe you try to find out what it is, NICELY. I know I can be less than charming when I'm having problems at work.
trulyhiurt Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 I am not trying to blame him, i was actually trying to blame both of us, because in my mind we are both to blame, but i know he blames me, and that makes me hesitate (was it me that cause all the damage?)
Lester Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Disclaimer: I am not the fly on the wall! Without knowing and having the time to discover the details of ten years… You said: “had the worst fight with my husband of 10 years,…” (Implies chronic trouble.) “My husband comes from a broken home where he saw parents abusing each other since he was little.” (Standard base for all abusers.) “But he wouldn't leave and he wouldn't let me go.” (False imprisonment! VERY BAD! Evidence of a collapsed reasoning process.) Additionally you used many abused/battered wife words, phases and mindsets in your original post! (You’re scared to death! You are turning this around like all enablers do by blaming yourself and minimizing his actions and unloving ways.) Advice: Call the police and talk to them now! Leave and don’t come back! DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY LIST!!
BrianH46 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Anger issues? You started the argument after he was in a bad mood only to walk away while telling him to drop the argument that you instigated. Top it all off you got physical with him. No he does not have anger issues.
mhowe Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Disclaimer: I am not the fly on the wall! Without knowing and having the time to discover the details of ten years… You said: “had the worst fight with my husband of 10 years,…” (Implies chronic trouble.) “My husband comes from a broken home where he saw parents abusing each other since he was little.” (Standard base for all abusers.) “But he wouldn't leave and he wouldn't let me go.” (False imprisonment! VERY BAD! Evidence of a collapsed reasoning process.) Additionally you used many abused/battered wife words, phases and mindsets in your original post! (You’re scared to death! You are turning this around like all enablers do by blaming yourself and minimizing his actions and unloving ways.) Advice: Call the police and talk to them now! Leave and don’t come back! DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY LIST!! He has never been abusive because he didn't want to put our two kids through what he went. Where do you get that she is battered/abused?
trulyhiurt Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 Thank you Rosel, i can see you do understand how it feels to be cornered, i appreciate your words and well wishes. Like i said, when i took my son to the patio yesterday i tried to explain how even when 2 people love each other too much (like he loves his brother) sometime people make mistakes and fight, and even when they fight they still love each other, and that it's wrong to fight. I told him i was very sorry for everything. By the time i put him to bed he was calmed, this morning i asked him if he had questions about what happened, he said if we were still fighting, i lied and said we had spoken that night and that we were good now. He went to play and seemed normal. He is 8 by the way and he sleeps accross the hall from us.
mhowe Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Thank you Rosel, i can see you do understand how it feels to be cornered, i appreciate your words and well wishes. Like i said, when i took my son to the patio yesterday i tried to explain how even when 2 people love each other too much (like he loves his brother) sometime people make mistakes and fight, and even when they fight they still love each other, and that it's wrong to fight. I told him i was very sorry for everything. By the time i put him to bed he was calmed, this morning i asked him if he had questions about what happened, he said if we were still fighting, i lied and said we had spoken that night and that we were good now. He went to play and seemed normal. He is 8 by the way and he sleeps accross the hall from us. Isn't there a 2 yr. old as well?
Unreasonable Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Disclaimer: I am not the fly on the wall! Without knowing and having the time to discover the details of ten years… You said: “had the worst fight with my husband of 10 years,…” (Implies chronic trouble.) “My husband comes from a broken home where he saw parents abusing each other since he was little.” (Standard base for all abusers.) “But he wouldn't leave and he wouldn't let me go.” (False imprisonment! VERY BAD! Evidence of a collapsed reasoning process.) Additionally you used many abused/battered wife words, phases and mindsets in your original post! (You’re scared to death! You are turning this around like all enablers do by blaming yourself and minimizing his actions and unloving ways.) Advice: Call the police and talk to them now! Leave and don’t come back! DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY LIST!! Call the police, leave and never come back? That's terrible advice I'm sorry. I'm not a fly on the wall either but she gave enough info to clearly show there was two to tango.
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