Looking for a little advice.

[JadedLove]

Hi

 

I met my boyfriend when I was going through a hard time. He gave me the courage to pick myself up when I had none. We have been dating over a year.

 

He is differant than who I ever thought I'd be with though and it's hard to get past that for some reason. While he is always "there", he doesn't really know how to give emotional support. He is quiet and it's hard to find out ANYTHING from him. He is always constant, meaning that whether he is happy or mad he puts on the same face. It seems he has a wall up and even after over a year I don't know a whole lot about him and his experiences in life, just who he is now. Not why he feels a certain way, or what has shaped his life. He barely will tell me about his day. We get along good when we're together but I feel like our relationship is lacking depth. How can I get closer to him when he won't open up? He rarely wants to talk unless it's superficial and will shut me down if I ask about his past, family life growing up, etc...and the only talking we do is me being upset and him listening quietly. He loves his video games and considers himself a nerd, and he is introverted and is worried that he's boring. I am much more outgoing.

 

Last night I was frustrated and told him I was upset that he doesn't open up, that I don't know him any better now then when we were dating 3 or 4 months. He told me he has a wall and it's up to me to break it down.

 

I guess what I'm wondering is - is this normal? Relationship conflicts and differances worry me because of my past. I've dated a lot in the 2 years before I met him and know that he is the best guy I've met but it feels like we are SO differant sometimes.

 

Is this a normal conflict? He says he wants to open up more, to show more of a range of emotion but says it's up to me to break his walls. I just think it's odd that he is always the "same" because I worry I'm missing something, like he has a secret side and is putting on a show for me or hiding part of himeself. At the same time it COULD be because this is just him, quiet and doesn't like to share his personal feelings or experiences? I've never met anyone like this. I love him but am so confused and question it sometimes.

 

Any advice would be great

[JadedLove]

Also, he gives opinions and advise and a lot of the time he is correct (and this is what has helped me), but he's also very neutral. Almost like he won't even give his own true opinion about some things, but says what he thinks the right thing would be to say. I've mentioned it before that I want to know who he really is and he says he'll try, but that just means he talks less :S

 

ETA: I wanted to add that he treats me great when we are together and I don't doubt that he loves me, I just want to be closer with him and don't know how.

 

And I am 30. Was previously married for almost 10 years to someone and because of various reasons (strict religion), we pretended we had the perfect relationship and never had a conflict or fight or disagreement. Weird, but that's also why it failed.

[Ms Darcy]

I would leave. He told you it's your job to break down his walls? He's not really interested in connecting emotionally with you. This would eat you up in a marriage.

 

Marriage, in my mind, is exactly what you are getting now but more intense since you'll be around each other all the time. What a lonely partnership that would be.

[JadedLove]

See, my gut tells me that in a way but I do love him.

 

When we talked last night he blurted out that he "loves the smell of fresh cut flowers". I said ***? He said he was trying to help me get to know him more. But that's how it is - awkward. Instead of having a heart to heart or opening up when he knows I want to know more, he just blurts out random stuff.

 

As good as he is for me I get insecure at times, with him being neutral no matter how he is feeling I am left GUESSING what may or may not be wrong. It's not normal for someone to be so "consistant" as he puts it. Even on the weekend - I was really moody and he was annoying me and I was getting upset and frustrated at him - but he kept the same composure. When I talk to him about it he tells me that he will try harder and that he CAN and wants to. I don't feel like I can just give up at this point.

 

Maybe there is a way I can help him open up? Maybe he is just saying he has a wall because I'm suggesting it? I have no idea

[DN]

He got you through bad times because of who and what he is. Why do you need to change him into someone he isn't? If he doesn't want to talk about his past, his family, etc. what real difference does that make? If he is the sort of man you can rely on and trust, why do you need to know what made him that person?

 

You want him to open up but you already know what you need to know.

[mhowe]

He says something "random" and you respond w/ WTphuck? And you wonder why he doesn't "open up"?

 

I think that you are probably just not a good match -- and I would guess that you kinda knew that. A lot of guys are not "in touch" w/ their emotions, or opening up -- but it comes when they trust you and feel that that you are not going to "use" it against them. From what you have said, he seems like a stand up guy....but not what you are looking for.

[rahul131982]

It human nature right. When someone doesnt show you his emotions you want them to and when someone shows you too much of it then you dont want them to.

 

I guess you are feeling this because he doesnt share anything with you. But there are always people like that. And atleast he acknowledges that and has told you that you should break through that. Which means he is open to be able to share stuff but just that it might take some time.

 

Well it can be a daunting task so if you are up for it, just treat him well and be there for him and he will open up to you.

[JadedLove]

DN - That is very true. I guess it's because I've opened up so much to him? Maybe I feel vulnerale because he knows so much about me, yet keeps what he feels inside. You are right though, I love him because he is who he is. It's just I hate guessing at what he may or may not be thinking when he is always so neutral. I guess I just want to feel closer to him, you know? And not feel like he is hiding some part of him because in reality - who is so neutral and always in the same mood 100% of the time? Can someone really be fine with keeping everything inside all the time?

[JadedLove]

He says something "random" and you respond w/ WTphuck? And you wonder why he doesn't "open up"?

 

I think that you are probably just not a good match -- and I would guess that you kinda knew that. A lot of guys are not "in touch" w/ their emotions, or opening up -- but it comes when they trust you and feel that that you are not going to "use" it against them. From what you have said, he seems like a stand up guy....but not what you are looking for.

 

Thanks,

 

I didn't outright respond with ***, however I asked him why he said that because I didn't clue in right away - we were in the middle of another conversation. No, I have never used anything against him and on the rare occasion he does open up I take him very seriously because I know it's rare and if he says something, there is a reason why he says it.

 

However, the trust thing...I get that. And maybe that's it. I myself have trust issues, even after all we've been through and maybe he is waiting for me to trust him before he fully opens up.

[mhowe]

You are expecting him to be you. And he isn't...and most likely never will be.

 

He isn't "neutral". He just isn't overly reactive.

 

My bf doesn't get upset about anything -- being lost, being late -- something breaking. He just accepts what life offers. It is very calming, honestly.

[DN]

Can someone really be fine with keeping everything inside all the time?

Yes, some people can. If they are at peace with who they are they don't need to tell other people how they feel about things.

 

People are not all the same and that applies to feelings as much as it does hair colour.

[JadedLove]

And he is very much at peace with who he is. And I am not at peace with who I am.

 

And I'm seeing this may all just be my insecurites coming into play

[Ms Darcy]

I go back to, can you be happy with who he is now for the rest of your life?

 

Not, "if I can only get him to open up" but "this is who he is." You already know the answer.

 

I would also advise not doing the self-blame thing here. It's not unreasonable to want a different kind of relationship. It is unreasonable to try to get it from this guy. There are men out there who can communicate more openly. My boyfriend is one. I would be very unhappy with someone who didn't communicate feelings to me. It is who I am and what I need. Now "how much" is debatable, but you need something and that is ok.

[mhowe]

Yup. My bf is not emotive ---and at one point, I thought "he's not in touch w/ his emotions". Come to find out, he can be very articulate when he finds it necessary --- he just doesn't find it necessary very often. So when he is -- I listen!

 

Your need to know --- doesn't trump his need not to share. And that is not a reflection on him -- it is a reflection on you. He sounds solid. Trust his actions -- he doesn't need words.

[JadedLove]

Thanks. I feel like I've been unfair to him as far as "this is who he is". I am not trying to change him however I am questioning why he would be the way he is as if there is something wrong because I know that I am not nor could I be like that.

 

It's not that I want him to be differant, it's more like I'm insecure and worried there is more to what he is feeling and thinking that he is hiding/not showing me. But in all fairness, what I see could really be what there is - what you see is what you get.

[mhowe]

Yup again. Not saying he isn't deep. Just sayin --- he is who he is -- he's not "hiding" anything.

[PetiteGirl]

 

He told me he has a wall and it's up to me to break it down.

 

He says he wants to open up more, to show more of a range of emotion but says it's up to me to break his walls.

 

 

I'm concerned about this. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be closer to your boyfriend, but it shouldn't be your job to break down his walls. I think what you can do is ask him questions about himself, make him feel safe opening up to you and have some patience, but he shouldn't put it all on you to break down his walls. Your are not him and you cannot read his mind. You cannot change him nor force him to do something he doesn't want to, thus he has to communicate with you too. You can do whatever you can to help him, but he has to meet you half way himself for this to work.

[JadedLove]

PG - I actually told him this.

 

On one hand I feel like I'm asking too much to get him to open up and need to be at peace with knowing this is who he is.

 

On the other hand - if he is admitting to having walls that need to be broken down - that just confirms my fears of him holding back and not knowing the true him.

 

Unless he's just telling me he has walls because he doesn't want to outright tell me that's who he is.

 

I admit I have been hard on him and our relationship has been up and down with a 7 week breakup in there. I have my own issues - trust and insecurity which he knows about, neither one of us are perfect and there's been times he's been downright cold with me.

 

My insecurites lead me to second guess whether or not me being upset is legit - like the above. I can say it's who he is but how does that explain his walls that I need to knock down - do they even exist or is he telling me what I want to hear just to stay with me?

[PetiteGirl]

Do you have a reason to doubt him? His honesty? Also, I'm assuming you see being able to opening up to each other is a way of showing affection?

I'm guessing you're upset because after being together for a while, you opened up to him, wanting to connect with him on a deeper level, but he didn't reciprocate it. In a way, it feels like he's rejecting you emotionally. What was the reason for the breakup?

[JadedLove]

Yes, this exactly.

 

And this was essentially the reason for the breakup, along with some tactless comments that he had made about my kids. I am a "caretaker" by nature, I'm wondering if part of my problem is that there is nothing for me to "help" him with and I am not used to that. I grew up with my mom going through a nervous breakdown and took care of my family at a young age. I've always been used to people needing me. At this point in my life I don't want that anymore ( I have kids who need me enough) but at the same time it's not easy for me to get used to not being needed. So yes, him not opening up (or having nothing to open up about) leaves me feeling a bit rejected. At the same time I'm confused because this is also what I love about him - that he has things figured out for himself.

 

I have no reason to doubt him and I believe that he loves me 100%

 

I also believe that if I keep going weeks where things are fine but then breakdown and get upset because I want him to open up and I get insecure and feel rejected that he will not stay with me because who would want to deal with that?

[PetiteGirl]

So that's the reason for the breakup. Your guy is a bit clueless if I do say so myself lol. He has lost you once precisely for that reason. If he truly loves you, then that's good. You mentioned that he's an introvert, my guess is that it will take him a long time to build that deep level of comfort with anyone, even girlfriend. You really can't push him to open up or change, but you can be there for him, being non-judgmental and supportive when he tells you something about himself. Try not to take it personally if he's extremely slow to open up because this isn't about you at all. It is about his comfort level and his nature. Whenever he opens up, even just a little bit, let him know that you appreciate him for trying and give him positive reinforcement. Start small, baby steps. Lots of patience.