playstheblues Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Randomly today, in a moment I wasn't even thinking about my ex, I received a message from him. My eyes almost popped out of my head when I read his name on the screen. He was basically just calling me the pet names and jokingly asking a few things. I'm embarrassed to say that I felt Ecstatic to get it. way happier than the warm feeling you get from an old friend you haven't seen in a while. I have managed to calm myself down I.e the high didn't last as long as it used to- after all it's only one message that means absolutely nothing. My aim is to be able to be less affected by him and what he does. I still think About him a lot and I'll write back pleasantly but I don't want to be happy or sad depending on him. I'm getting better at managing that, but it's my goal. A small goal, but a step in the right direction all the same.
JA0371 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Wow...breathe, breathe......lol. Glad you feel happy!!!!
pippy longstocking Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 oh god even my heart beat faster then darling ... I like that you can enjoy this and not let your head run away with you ...you have come so far ...stay strong with this xx
Crazyaboutdogs Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Keep yourself grounded. I looked through your other posts and know you have been having a rough time in your life with finances etc. So just don`t read too much into his contact. Quite frankly I think he has some nerve calling you pet names when you are no longer in a relationship.
Angel Irulan Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Yeah, I think the pet names are bad because they can be interpreted as hope for a continued relationship. I'd ignore those messages. Angel
playstheblues Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 He wanted to know about a shared account, but the questions was stupid I.e. why did I use my middle name that I hate on the account - soft of in a teasing way. I'm actually just flat now. Annoyed even that he would pull that stunt, go away making himself feel better and leave me feeling flat and just just enough for account fees. We had a bitofback and forward and he's obviously in a joking mood. I tried to respond politely but didn't buy into the petnames or anything else. Quite frankly, now I've had time to digest, I'm just disappointed and annoyed more than anything else. Why wouldn't he just want to say 'hi- how are you- hope you're well'? That's what I do if I ev need to contact him. Instead this Shiite. He needs to take responsibility for himself and his actions. I still miss that man but he's been very lame.
playstheblues Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 Yeah, I think the pet names are bad because they can be interpreted as hope for a continued relationship. I'd ignore those messages. Angel I think it's because he's uncomfortable and doesn't know what else to call me. But guess what? He's a big boy. Big enough to be responsible and work something else out. Calling me by the pet names is so unfair. Just like everything else he's done. I excused his behaviour because it was out of character and he was suffering depression, but it's still valid.
playstheblues Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 oh god even my heart beat faster then darling ... I like that you can enjoy this and not let your head run away with you ...you have come so far ...stay strong with this xx Thanks Star! How are you? I was happy, but now I'm just frustrated, disappointed and annoyed. Not by the fact that he just contacted, ut by his behaviour. I've done my best and really, he's been incredibly selfish. There are ways to do things the ways he has chosen to do this has almost killed me. He needs to man up. I've always thought he's 'such a good guy' and he was, he really was, but his behaviour since the breakup is not exempt and it has been appalling in many ways.
DN Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I have no idea if he wants to get back together but dumpers rarely come right out and say so if they do. They usually use a more circuitous method such as this message,
playstheblues Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 I have no idea if he wants to get back together but dumpers rarely come right out and say so if they do. They usually use a more circuitous method such as this message, Thnks Dn. I don't think he does.i think the reality of the situation sometimes hits him and that's when he contacts. If he wantd to see me, he could. As much asimiss him etc. I don't know whether there's a road back from the place he's taken this situation to.
seoulmate Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I am getting annoyed for you. Why does he continue to play games with your heart like this? surely he's not so lame to not understand the affect of calling you a pet name means to you. It was something tied to your past relationship and has meaning. That's really cruel, to be honest with you. I don't know how you should deal with it, as you want to keep communication open. But surely NOT this kind of junk. What worries me is that what if he were to do this on a monthly basis? and months became ....years.
playstheblues Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 I am getting annoyed for you. Why does he continue to play games with your heart like this? surely he's not so lame to not understand the affect of calling you a pet name means to you. It was something tied to your past relationship and has meaning. That's really cruel, to be honest with you. I don't know how you should deal with it, as you want to keep communication open. But surely NOT this kind of junk. What worries me is that what if he were to do this on a monthly basis? and months became ....years. Thanks, even when I saw him last - he did this (and this sounds ridiculous I know) specialising to me that I used todo every times got on a plane and he was at the gate. It meant forever sort of thing, I just shook my head and got out of the car. It's hard to understand what the hell is with that stupid guy. He also said, good luck this weekend etc.makes me mad.why would he say that? We can't just befriends!! This isn't heftiest time I've actually been really annoyed, because I know it's leading absolutely no where. The other times I was delusional enough to think if iwas upbeat and positive and attractive it may make him remember what he's left or missing out on, now I know tht isn't ever going to happen so I wonder why he'd even bother? We aren't going to see each other again unless I somehow run into him, but seeing its happened twice already, the odds of that happening again have to be low..don't they?
playstheblues Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 It's up t me to realise I can't let him dictate my value and not let his behaviour grt to me.
crashboombang Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 PTB, I feel sad this has happened, as on your 'some days' thread you sounded as if you were making some good progress, and keeping busy, etc. I know it is much easier said than done, but stay strong - you have been doing so well xx
One day Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Hi PTB, I can imagine how estatic you must of felt when you saw his text pop up. Hell I would to if my ex texted out of the blue, but the pet names and inane question yuck!! not fair. It's almost he wants to keep you on that bit of string called hope, which he will continually keep giving the odd random tug on to make sure your still there and care............ hope you get past this little blip OD
learning2relax Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 A positive way to view this.......him contacting you, and you not buying into it and jumping on it by responding.......you have your power back. Hang on to it.
Ms Darcy Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 NC - I would block him. You get your hopes up and then you crash with contact.
playstheblues Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 NC - I would block him. You get your hopes up and then you crash with contact. I understand where you're coming from, but I'm not going to block him from contacting my phone. I spent 9 years with the man. I have him blocked in Facebook etc, but I'm not changing or blocking him from the phone. I do however, even feel a bit stupid for being positive and happy in my response. Maybe I should just tell him not to call me those names. Maybe that strength will come from somewhere, but at least I'm not just do happy he contacted me. I'm beginning to understand what people mean when they say it's too late. He was obviously feeling a bit ****ty or missing me so contacts me, but I'm sure he won't contact again for another month or three.
pippy longstocking Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I'm beginning to understand what people mean when they say it's too late. what is it your feeling PTB ? Too late for him , have you finally had enough and the hurt has now taken over the longing for him back ? I am just interested really and also really hopeful for you , for your peace of mind that you have turned a corner .
seoulmate Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Someday, I hope you get the courage to tell him how this makes you feel. However, I think that your heart conflicts with your mind. Telling him would mean "taking a risk" and it doesn't sound like you're ready for that. However, it's coming onto a year now, right? And you seem to be allowing him to continue to control the break-up and your emotions. I guess you have to figure out how want this to go in your own time. It just seems unfair... I know you believe that this is not black and white. But allowing it to continue to have shades or gray may torment you for a long long time. Either he wants to be with you or he doesn't. But, if you do not take the steps to get that answer then my feeling is that you're both acting very passive-aggressive and that means years and years of exactly what's happening to you now. What's more....you acknowledge that it may be a month or 3 before he contacts you again. It's almost as if you are predetermining the angst you know is coming once again. Foreshadowing your own pain yet unwilling to take-on that pain. Have you thought of getting seriously firm with him? And act on your own fear that being firm may push him away? It's a decision you may not want to make but I think there will come a time when either of you do something to allow both of you to either work towards a reconciliation or call it quits in your heart and your mind.
rosie smith Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 PTB if there is anything I have learnt after I came out of my long term relationship is that things are never black and white with most long term exs. Unfortunately some where deep inside the dumper and dumpee always seem to carry some sort of feelings for each other and at one point they either totally move on from each other and they never talk again or they move on and games get played etc etc or you reconcile at one point. personally I would not start telling your ex how you feel about him or anything like that cause if you do that there is a high chance you may get rejected by him and if you do reach out you run a high risk of may be becoming just an option in your exs life. I think. it seems to me like and may be I am wrong to think this but your ex is doing what a lot of long term exs do and I dunno if you respond to the texts he sends you when he initiates contacts or how you respond to him but if I were I would either wait a while and then reply to your ex in a short but sweet manor or ignore some of the messages that he sends you. It seems to me like your ex might just be playing games with you and even though I don't believe that people play games on purpose they normally do this cause in a weird and twisted way they still care for you. If I were you I would just be smart about things and realise that if your ex wants you back at one point he will tell you this and if he does not then just continue to move on with your own life, cause it is all you can do. Yes don't let him take the bleep out of you but at the same time if you are stern with him or anything like that it prob won't do you any favours. If I were you I would just ignore his texts if you don't like the way he talks to you at times but you also need to do what is right for you.
FreeFallFeelin Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Hi PTB, I agree with the other posters that say this behavior is like toying with your emotions. Basically, you're settling for a pat on the head - "...how's my little PTB?" "...do you still miss me? "...oh that's too bad, let's not talk about it so we can pretend like we're just friends". He just wants to gloss over it and expects you to carry on ignoring it too. What if the next time he contacts you, you don't respond unless he addresses how you're doing? To go from a partner of 9 years to thinking that he can just joke around and ignore your state of emotional being (the elephant in the room) is just cold and ignorant. If you don't participate in the small talk and joking around, it might help send the message that you're not okay with just being "buddies".
secondchance67 Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 At some point this has to stop, PTB. Either you continue to allow him to contact you whenever it suits him, saying things that tug at your emotions, over and over, until he moves on and leaves you for dead...again.....how much time would have past? 6 months? 1 year? 2? or You cut the contact, do it however will make you feel the best about it - a phone call, an email...a text, something, ANYTHING , to stop this once and for all. You need to be honest with yourself, and with him as well. You need to explain in no uncertain terms that this type of contact hurts more than it helps... on his side its a playful walk down memory lane..... for you, its heart wrenching, and fodder for you to dissect and ruminate on for days....weeks, even. Then the lull in contact by him, and you go back to wondering why he stopped again. Round and round she goes....will she stop? GOD I HOPE SO. You are a wonderful person, you have displayed to all of us just how much he meant to you and how badly the loss of his presence in your life has rocked you to your very core....no one here doubts how much you love him and just how much he impacted your life in the 9 years together. NO ONE DOES, PTB, NO ONE. Please, make a decision...YOU make the decision....instead of waiting and secretly wishing for him to reach out, only to post about not knowing what to do about it when he does.....decide to do the right thing for you, whatever you think that might be.....but decide...get off the treadmill of pain and suffering. You need to take control of this once and for all .....now is the time.
TriColors Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 This is more of a general comment but here is a good place for me to say it: I think that, in general, most people come on this website because on some level, they want to get their ex back. Much of the "how to get your ex back" advice centers on the acting nonchalant and unaffected approach. What that theory fails to consider is that, for the most part, the ex is not coming back and there comes a point where if you are still pining away for your ex and nothing is changing (i.e. they are still with someone else or haven't made any overtures to get you back ever), the nonchalant/unaffected approach must be abandoned in favor of the "please go away your breadcrumbs are making it worse for me approach". The "please go away your breadcrumbs are making it worse for me approach" is especially important where the dumpee is still affected by the break up and clinging to every little contact like something more will come of it. I think that many people who want their ex back or want some type of recognition from their ex are afraid to tell them to go away, because they think that it is like giving up and showing weakness to their ex or that it will upset their ex. First, the dumper knew it would upset the dumpee to break up with them, but they did it anyway, so the same thought should be put into the "go away" approach. Second, its much easier to pretend everything when bread crumbs are received but it takes strength and shows your true grit when you are ready to finally stand up for yourself and say say "Enough, I'm not healed, I want to be healed so that means that we cannot be in contact until I am ready." Its not giving up to tell them to go away, its taking your life back, as much as it pains you to do it. PS - PTB, I am not singling you out, I can name at least 8 other posters who should do the same as you.
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