Do I love him anymore?

[22Shades]

I have been with Joe for seven years, the beginning was terrible and we were both ignorant donkeys. I broke up with him two years ago and moved 10 hours away. He no longer cared and told me often, so I thought why stay. After only six months of me being moved out and attempting to move on, I was diagnosed with cancer. (It is in remission as of now) I am not sure which mutual friend informed him of my illness, but he did attempt to call but I maintained nc especially while in the hospital. I received flowers, cards, emails,texts..etc. I finally answered when I was back at my house and feeling a bit better. He drove up without telling me and asked if he could see me. I agreed. Of course he groveled and apologized profusely. Told me how much he loved me, but at this point I still had my guard up. Was he here just because I am dying? So I ask him that, and he of course says no. So I let my guard down a bit and he visited for a weekend. It was nice to not be alone. I realized that I hadn't delt with my feelings about him, our relationship, and that I now had wall built up. Of course I was weary at first but then he started visiting every two-three months for a week or two at a time. He would go to my dr. visits, look up new medications/treatments. Wanted to know about my everyday life. Him being interested in my everyday life was something new, his genuine concern and lack of malice was quite an improvement. There was something off and I just couldn't put my finger on it. He still had a lot of his least likable qualities, jealous, insecure,easily angered (but no longer yelled simply communicated). Well he asked me move down after a year and half of visits, I honestly didn't want to start over because if it didn't work out I'd be screwed. Then I had another "episode" and was unable to move down for another six months. Here I am living with him now, new doctors, new job, new school,new friends and I am not satisfied.

 

I want to forgive him for the horrible things he has said and done to me. Sometimes I feel that I have forgiven him. Then there are nights like this when I can barely look at him. We have talked openly about the damage our words and actions have caused one another and both sincerely apologized. I am not sure if I am bitter or was I so shattered by him that I cannot forgive him completely?

I know that I love him, some part of me always will. I often find myself saying, "I love you too." , or "love ya babe." I realized tonight on our way to dinner when he held my hand and said it in the car ride how mechanical my response has become. Also that I never say it first...ever.

I tasted the words and said them to him tonight, it felt forced. I sat there realizing I was trying to numb myself to the situation at hand once again.

 

I'm not sure if I am in love with him anymore. At least no more than someone could love a friend. I don't want to push these feelings onto him because I am so unsure of everything. What do I do?

[Hollyj]

Get some couples counseling and see if you should continue.

[SpottiOtti]

Can you take a breather from him? It may help if you get some distance.

[android]

Well, try to keep these feelings the way they are... there will come a time when u know for sure if u need him or not. dont let these things get the better of you.. you need to heal.. from your illness and from your past. Keep it the same way it is now.. dont bother much about it.. dont fake anything.. if he says something about it, use the chance to tell him how u are feeling and that things will take time... he should give u the time u need.. if he doesnt ask, go on with the flow. do things only if u feel like doing them.. then only wil u feel better.. bottom line is be true to urself, be urself.

 

And hope u get well soon... u've got my prayers..

[22Shades]

No I can't take a breather as of right now, I try to take time out for myself at three times away so I can clear my ahead.

[22Shades]

Thank you for the well wishing and prayers. I've told him that I need to heal, I dont think understood the gravity of those words though. He can tell that I am withdrawn but assumes it is always side effects from medication.