Once was not enough. Twice was not enough. Here's what happened the third time

[dala23]

So long story short, this guy and I dated for 3 months and broke up. Then about a year later we got back together and dated for 7 months and broke up again. Both times the break up was because he grew emotionally distant. After the last breakup it was a miserable year for me until I finally let go of him. Funny enough, when I had finally reached a point where I was happy on my own and had come to terms with the breakup (took me about a year), he came back! But rest assured...my stories never have a happy ending.

 

We started talking and hanging out again, he broke up with a girl he has been seeing (he claimed he just wasn't happy with her) so it all got very intense very quickly. We started out getting along so nicely and communicating so well; we saw each other everyday and he was so sweet and perfectly in touch with his emotions that I really got excited that this time was not going to be like the last, that there was still HOPE.

 

Little did I know. The last 2 weeks had been misery all over, with a complicated situation. He is moving away in 2 weeks and told me he does not want to commit and have a long distance relationship, that he still wants to keep me around as a "special friend" but that we should keep seeing other people. Hearing that hurt a lot because for the third time he was pretty much telling me I was not good enough for him, that I wasn't worthy of him committing. It really upset me and I felt so foolish and stupid to have fallen into the same trap 3 times!!! As soon as he saw me get upset, he started becoming distant again and called it childish "a tamper-tantrum" on my part.

 

Now I haven't seen him in a week and half. We haven't talked in 3 days and even when we did talk it was only by texting, initiated by me. He responded rudely, telling me he's busy with a very angry tone, and that I should slow down "because the tortoise won the race". Also, I had deleted him on facebook after the breakup and I now added him back thinking oh we're back on good terms with each other and we're friends now. He completely ignored that request.

 

So there it is...the end of the end. I am 100% sure he won't be contacting me and will just move accross the country in silence, but that he expects me to chase after him. I am left with 3 options:

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1) Not contact him again at all either, not even for a farewell. Give him a taste of his own meds. (I feel like he expects me to reach out and beg him and apologize for getting upset etc, and I don't want to lower my value yet again, just to receive more rejection and disrespect.) With a lot of honesty, I am somewhat relieved that he is out of my life. He can be a wonderful guy, but he has some serious problems with his mental/emotional health. After our last break up he started taking medications for anxiety (Citalopram) and told me that he has been suffering from anxiety/social anxiety his entire life. I kind of really want to dissociate myself from these problems, as they are only bound to hurt me more.

 

2) On the other hand, I kind of want to leave a good FRIENDLY last impression. I don't want to be remembered as the crazy one who just got upset. I don't want to be like him and go silent. I want to show a sense of maturity. Maybe I should send a best wishes email or card, since this is the very last time we'll ever be geographicallynear each other.

 

3) Chase him. He has told me over the years that he "wants to be chased". He told me to slow down, but he didn't tell me to stop . Just for the record, this 3rd option sounds like a bad idea to me that will result in just most feeling rejected.

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I know I shouldn't be over-analyzing this because he isn't my boyfriend or anything currently but this complete, sudden distancing brings my self-confidence to the ground and I feel miserable, scared and desperate to fix things. I feel used, as in he used me to get over the fact that his previous relationship was in a rut, and I feel emotionally jaded to have been told "I missed you", "I will always love you" oand to have him disappear a week later.

 

 

Please give me some thoughts/suggestions/ideas about this situation. What would you do?

[ParisPaulette]

Ouch, I've been where you have been exactly--except for me it was five or six times of that before I finally had enough. In all honesty if he's done this three times he will always do it. Number 1 is your best option since you don't owe him anything and yeah, doing it to you three times means he's a ______________ who has been taking advantage of your feelings for him. And he's not returning those feelings to you. Although that is the hardest option it's also the one your future self is going to be gladdest to have done since it retains the most dignity and allows the quickest healing. And then stick by Number 1 period as this man does indeed have serious issues that you can't and shouldn't have to deal with. That's all on him, not you.

 

Option 2 - why do you care what he thinks. He's already upset you aren't willing to play by his terms and that's his problem. And to act like you have no reason to be upset is a pretty cold, ruthless and unfriendly way for him to end it. This also leaves the door open for him to come back around, sweet talk you through just being "friends" and then use you whenever he feels like it. Then leave again. The voice of experience speaks here since I did option 2 with my ex way too many times until I wised up. I'd go with deleting him off your Facebook page and blocking all contact forever personally. That way he doesn't get to do it to you a 4th and 5th and 6th...you get the picture.

 

Option 3 - He wants to be chased??? In other words, "Stroke my ego, please. I don't want you enough to chase you and commit, but you need to make me feel superior and good that a babe like you wants me." Again it's all about him isn't, what you want isn't even in the picture. You've done enough chasing, three times as a matter of fact. If he brings up the thing about chasing tell him you've retired your running shoes where he's concerned and if he wants to be chased he can knock a hornet's nest to the ground. They'll chase him plenty.

 

You've given this man three chances and he's blown all three of them. And those type of people make pretty rotten friends too since their whole game is using others to get what they want regardless of whether they call you a friend or a lover. When I'd had enough with my ex pulling similar games I told him I was done, we weren't even friends and I stopped chasing and responding to his attempts at trying to do it again whenever he happened to be in my town. He's out of the picture now and I'm with someone who is more than happy to be with me every day and we both happily chase each other in equal doses. Good luck and keep in mind you deserve better. Option 1 is the only way to go in these types of situations from what I've experienced.

[dala23]

He thinks HE has given ME 3 chances.... Not the other way around...like I'm the one who just keeps screwing up

 

I was there for him when he needed someone, I was there trying to cheer him up, to not let him think there's anything wrong with him when everyone was telling him how troubled his mind was.

 

I am so burned by this that I don't feel much pain...just plain numbness with a desire to forget his entire existence.

[miss_sunshine86]

Wow - you sound like you were dating my ex. I had three glorious slaps in the face too over a space of 6 years.

They will never change - Mr Big does not really exist. The only option is to go NC. If he ignores your friendly last impression, you will feel bad. If he comes back after your friendly last impression, he'll eventually leave again and you'll feel bad. Option one, stay strong xxx

[ParisPaulette]

Are you sure you weren't dating my ex? This sounds just like him exactly. He even had the nerve to get upset after I finally ended things and eight months later I was at a party with a new BF and he was there and flipped out, turning up two weeks later trying to get back with me again. I agree with the going NC. It will give you clarity and for awhile you'll likely be furious once the numbness wears off. After that you'll just be indifferent and then when and if he shows back up it'll be more of a, "Oh, it's just him again up to his old tricks. No thanks." Delete and block his number and do yourself a huge favor. Right now while it's all still fresh write down everything he's done to you, what you did in response and how it turned out each time. Be sure to write down any and all lines he used to reel you in, any red flags you saw and ignored etc. Then keep that handy somewhere and any time you feel like maybe you should reach out anyways or he contacts you pull it out and read it in a new unit of time before you do anything. I did that and it helped me tremendously in getting past that little feeling of, "But we've had so much history together. Surely I was wrong about what I felt, he couldn't really be that cold..."

 

Good luck, hugs and go NC since it is the only way for these types of situations. Ugh, I wish these types of people came with a warning label, "Warning, could cause serious harm to your mental and emotional health," or something like that.

[undercover007]

Definitely #1.. NC is the best way to go believe me. I had to learn the hard way with my ex of 6 years (who I was engaged to for a year)... that if they leave you once... they can leave you again and again and again. Trust me.. my ex left me countless times but I stupidly still wanted to be with him. When he would take me back.. things were great.. passionate.. like we were falling in love all over again. Then of course after the honeymoon phase dies down, the same old problems would come back and then we'd break up all over again. It was a very ugly cycle. I can't believe I was engaged to him. The last break up was where he packed up his stuff while I was work and then called me after I was done to tell me we were over and he was "unhappy." I had no idea that was coming obviously. I wasted 6 years of my life when I could of and should of left him a long time ago. But I'm a stubborn person and he def had a way with reeling me back in. It's been 4 months since the break up and I have made NC ever since the break up. This is the longest we've been broken up. If he ever does call one day I will not make the same mistake I made so many times before.

 

Your ex has already left you 3 times.. that just shows he will continue to do it if you ever were to get back with him. He sounds like a commitment phobe. My ex was. You should read the book Men Who Can't Love: How to Spot a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart by Steven Carter. It saved my life and my sanity.

[undercover007]

And btw, commitment phobes usually always try to come back when they see that you are moving on.. it's called a "curtain call." During one of our many breakups, I remember thinking that it was truly over cause my ex was dating another girl a month after we had broken up. I wanted to die and cried everyday for 1 month straight. Then when I finally started picking myself up and trying to move on he started calling and texting me. I blew him off. Then he'd tried to call me again. He didn't like the fact that I was now ignoring him. Eventually I gave him a chance to hear what he had to say and I was blown away. He was literally begging me back and told me he made the biggest mistake of his life and that he wanted to marry me yadda yadda yadda...

it's just a bunch of BS to suck you in. I was fooled. I too believed him... and so wanted to think that he had really changed but these men don't change!!!!!

[dala23]

I have come to terms with the fact that whether he changes or not, whether he continues to be an ******* or becomes the sweetest man on earth, he is not and won't be the right man for me. I have numbed out the pain of being left 3 times, when I think of him now I get a faint feeling of disgust, nothing more nothing less. I just really hope my history with him won't make me jaded or leave any baggage for any possible future relationship.

[shatteredlove]

Good job dala23! You do deserve better than a man who cannot cherish someone who's willing to love him truthfully and genuinely.

There's really no point in contacting someone who keeps letting go of a love true to the heart.

 

My ex did the same thing to me.

It's one second "I love you" and the next "I fell out of love for you".

Then, "there will always be an us" to "it's done, it's over." -- Then of course, when it all ends, the blame gets pushed to the "lover" by the loved.

 

The pattern continues, because one, they may not know what they want for themselves, or two, they know you'll take them back when it's convenient for them, or the worse, they were always players, playing with the love we so truly had for them.

 

It's sad, but it's not something we can change.

 

I know - and no matter long term or short term, they don't change, unless they lose something/someone they truly love (will realize it later on in their life)

Committing and breaking up, all with the ball in their court.

Even if they talk about marriage and kids and seem so deep into it, chances are they'll up and leave cause either it's not convenient for them, or -- "uh oh, committment and true love -- i better run now."

 

Heartbreaking, heartwrenching, but who does it affect more ---- ?? Us - us lovers who keep giving. Time for us to take too.