Is this for real?

[Amanda Dobson]

Long story (won't bore you with the whole lot). Nearly six months ago the man I love, who I broke his heart last year accidentally and I started talking again. We were talking most nights either by text or phone up until a week ago, it took a long time to get there though as for the first few months I was only hearing from him once a week (and usually on email). So we got to the stage where we were talking, we were going out and doing things, the cinema, a show and dinner etc. He even got to the point where he talked about us going on a holiday next year with his kiddies (not back in their life again yet) and what dog we should get. Then we had a little misunderstanding and things got a bit wobbly and a little mountain out of a molehill.

 

At this point I need to point out that we have not been at all physically intimate in the six months, I actually only had my first friendly goodbye hug a month ago and haven't seen him in a month for various reasons (he has children, full time living with him and also has to drive quite far to see his two girls at weekends, so time is limited I understand that, also we are both scared and so are taking it very slow). He has been doing a lot of pointing out how he hasn't regained trust in me and how I shouldn't think everything is okay now, a lot of pushing away and slamming of doors in my face even though I haven't tried to open any doors. I have been totally patient and not pushed or demanded anything. We have probably only seen each other about once every three weeks, but as I say, the past few months have spoken most nights until a week ago when we had a misunderstanding and he told me he didn't think we had anything anymore, that he didn't find me beautiful and didn't have any urge to put his arms around me, that he didn't think it was there anymore.

 

I calmly said that maybe he should end it then if that's how he really feels. Where he said 'I just dont know, I dont know how I feel, I am tired, I have a migraine, this just feels like it's taken us to the beginning again'. He told me he would speak to me soon and that was a week ago.

 

To me, to be trying to work on this for six months for someone you have no feelings or attraction for just sounds stupid, to me it just sounds like he is punishing me for what I did. I have been working on myself, I realised I have abandonment issues and have been doing lots of work on that so I never do what I did last year again. I have to say here this is a guy with rock solid morals and values, who is bluntly honest (to the point of being insulting at times). You can take his word to the bank........but he has constantly criticised me, picked on everything I say with a fine tooth comb and pointed out anything that didn't reconcile perfectly for him (to the point it feels like if I say I am hungry at 11am, but not at 2pm, its me changing my story). It seems to be coming to some sort of head, I am just not sure whether it is a good one, or a bad one. I just cannot see someone putting in so much effort to try and build the friendship back up first and calling or texting almost every night for someone they have no feelings, attraction or love for?

 

Not sure what thoughts or advice you have?

[spaced1]

I think you should move on.

[LMJ]

Your flaw is you underrecognize what you did. What was this accident? You downplay it to us so we cant help you. Its got to be important if a man who had loved you is all of a suddent slamming doors in your face. He's giving you a second chance it seems but you arent giving yourself one by not disclosing what happened so we can help you.

[Amanda Dobson]

I am absolutely not under recognising what I did, I live with it every day, not only by beating myself up but also having him treat me the way he has the past six months.

 

Last year, quite simply put, I thought he was breaking up with me, I thought he had asked for a break when he hadn't (still don't know exactly what he was doing). He had behaved oddly since the night before and told me he felt messy at the minute and that I was the most amazing person he had ever met and he could see me in his life and his kids life a very long time. Mis communication happened, it sounded to me like he asked for a break..........he denies that absolutely........and so I went out with friends, drank red wine (something I should never drink) and I broke up with him hideously and rudely by text. I broke his heart, then for a few weeks after behaved appaullingly, letting him know what I thought of him (in the spirit of being hurt, upset etc I said things I did not mean).

 

I broke his heart and I broke his trust........and for six months, he has been torturing and making me pay for it under the guise of working on things.

 

As you can tell, I am about done, as much as I love him, the constantly slamming doors in my face I haven't even opened (he loves to tell me just how he doesn't feel the same.....even when I don't ask, he almost relishes in it).

[Ms Darcy]

I think moving on is best as well.