Toki Wartooth Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I'm just wondering. I have no idea. My fiance looks at porn every opportunity he gets when I am not around. For example, I leave for work about a half hour before he does every morning -- he does it then. If he gets home before I do, then he looks at it again. If he has a day off when I'm at work, forget it -- he'll watch it half the day. If I happen to walk out of the room and step back in, I will catch him switching windows to where he was looking at porn or at the very least videos or pictures of other women. I only know this information because of checking his browsing history at certain times of the day over a period of time, and I've noticed a pattern. I'm not sure if he masturbates each time, but I have found little "clues" in the laundry that let me know that he probably has most of the time. We don't have sex as often as I would like to, which is why I am focusing on these 2 particular issues. My fiance also has an addictive personality and is currently what I would consider an alcoholic. He doesn't let alcohol affect his ability to work or function (and he doesn't get mean), but he just feels the need to get hammered nearly every single day after work and on the weekends. I don't know if porn addiction is even a real thing, but knowing how he has become addicted to other things, I just worry. He is 31 and I am 35.
SuperDuper Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 If you two are comfortable enough with each other to sleep together, then you should be comfortable enough to have a discussion about this. If sex is important to you (which is understandable) then there's no reason you shouldn't mention it to him. If you're going to marry this man, the least you two can do for the relationship is be honest about things like this. Men look at porn, it's just a fact. If you two started having sex more often would you care less about the porn issue? If so, then the bigger and more important issue to address is likely his drinking and lack of sexual motivation (which might be related). Sit him down and have an honest discussion about your relationship. Don't come accross as accusatory, but instead let him know how his behaviour affects you.
Toki Wartooth Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 Well, we HAVE had a few discussions about it. He had been turning me down when I approach him and was hardly ever initiating it with me, and needless to say it was driving me crazy and making me feel horrible. I have told him that I don't mind if he looks at porn or masturbates as long as it doesn't affect our sex life. He admitted that he had been jerking off and that "probably wasn't helping things." We went a couple of weeks where we tried to have more sex, but it just didn't work because it felt forced. We now came to an agreement where he would try to initiate more and also give me a chance if I tried to initiate with him. It just hurts that it's already like this. We had a long-distance relationship for a year (he in Canada, me in the US -- we were nearly 3,000 miles apart), but now we've lived together for only 4 months and I feel like our sex life was better when we were apart. I know he masturbated a lot when we were apart, and he said that was due to "not having real sex." Well, I'm here now and he barely touches me. He went to all of the trouble of moving me to be with him from so far away, and it seems for nothing. I feel like I am being robbed of our "honeymoon stage." If I ever bring up his drinking, he just gets angry -- even though he has brought it up a few times himself.
bluevision10s Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I don't know what the normal amout masturbation and looking at porn is but for me I'll watch it for maybe 5-10 minutes once a day. (I may occasionally skip a day) However, if he is watching it half a day I think he may have a problem. I would talk to him about it.
Roxie84 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Its interesting that I came accross your post, because I was just watching a TV show called "My Strange Addiction" and it focussed on a guy who is addicted to pornography. I've heard of this before as well - it is a real addiction. If he watches it this much as you think, then he may have a problem. I have limited knowledge on the subject, but the guy on this show did say that he watches porn at any opportunity he gets, and often doesn't even get an erection or masterbate when he watches it. If you don't mind my asking, do you ever feel that "regular" or "vanilla" sex or lovemaking has become boring to him? If so, this fascination with porn may be damaging his emotions and reactions with relation to sex. There are online and in-person community groups for sexual addictions where you could seek some solid advice. Perhas by discussing this with other women in the same position as you, you can gain some good advice as to how to approach this gently and productively. Wishing you the best of luck!
Toki Wartooth Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 I do feel like maybe regular lovemaking has become boring to him. I have even told him that I am up for trying new things, but he responds with nothing. My sexual advances towards him have gotten turned down so many times that I am now too self-conscious to even try to surprise him with anything. Two weeks ago, I bought some new lingerie (he loves lingerie) and got rejected with it, so that pretty much killed my self esteem. And it's not like I've gained weight or anything has changed with my looks. I look pretty much exactly the same as I did when we first started dating a year and a half ago.
cube20102 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 hi Toki, your SO sounds like he has an addition to porn and like many guys are not willing to admit/or accept it. TEDx talks did an excellent talk about pron addition and how it affects people's lifes. It got me thinking about how much time it wastes. That time can be much better spent doing practically anything else. you should see this video and maybe send it to him as well. Ultimately I think he'll only want to change if he realizes he wants to because this can be a life-changing thing. anyways here's the video youtube. com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU also sidenote: the video reffers to a community from reddit that are trying to stop their addition to porn and the results/or hard trials they are seeing: reddit. com/r/nofap
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