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Can a relationship work if you don't like your SO's "friends"?


laninaperdida

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Posted

I simply don't like my BF's friends.

Most of them don't work.

None of them have hobbies.

All they do is smoke weed.

(You know those people you see hanging around the corner store? that's them, lol.)

Basically, I have nothing in common with them.

I've tried communicating with them & participating in their little weed runs (that's all they do), but they're so high all the time I feel as though I'm hanging out with a bunch of zombies.

I find myself go mute or amuse myself with my iPhone or ENA when they're around.

To put it in perspective, I've had more intelligent conversations with my BF's 14-year-old little bro than I have with his friends,

Obviously, I've told my BF how I feel.

Thing is, he confessed that these people aren't his friends & that the only reason he hangs around with them is because he has to do to his living situation - something he's trying to get out of.

His roommate is friends with all of these people & consequently they're around all the time as they have **** all to do.

He's been looking for apartments, but it could take a few months before that's all settled.

I would rather read a book than hang out with these idiots.

My BF tries to do his own thing with just me, but his roommate is extremely codependent on him & has the biggest ***** fits when he doesn't spend time with him.

(One of the main reasons he wants to move out, BTW.)

As a result of this, we're arguing.

We're also spending less time together which is my choice I know, but I really don't want to be around these people.

(We went on a day trip & almost missed this boat tour thing because they had to get enough weed to get through the day!)

I can feel us drifting apart.

I do admit that me withdrawing is not helping the situation & I would love to try & pull my weight & make things work I just don't know what to do!

 

Is this situation a deal breaker?

Should I hang in there & see if things improve when (if?) he moves?

What can I do to make this better?

 

Thanks,

Posted

I don't think it's a deal breaker, I think there are ways around it right now. First of all does he pay rent where he lives? Does he have his name on the place because if he does he has equal rights there and has the right to demand privacy or to leave when and if he pleases to visit you. Suggest not hanging out there. He's in a situation you say he doesn't like so work around it until the situation changes. If he is wanting to hang out there however and wanting to deal with these friends you need to talk to him and let him know it's causing you to drift away. If they are truly his friends which I hope they aren't because they sound like a bunch of losers - but if they are, you can't change that and if you can't handle them being around then it might be a deal breaker but it depends how much these people honestly mean to him.

Posted

I wouldn't break it off just yet. Is there a way you and your bf can invite his roommate (or a few friends) out to do something that doesn't involve weed? You seem to be getting sucked into their world, but it would do them a favor to show them the rest of the world that exists outside of their little pot cloud.

Posted

LOL... I dislike the majority of my fiance's friends. YES it is possible for a relationship to work as long as he doesn't let his friends ruin his relationship with you. People come and go and that includes friends as you get older. However, it doesn't give you the right to treat them with disrespectful. You either act civil with them or you don't hang out with them at all.

 

In your case... if his friends and roommates are constantly intervening with his time with you and he can't tell them "Sorry, I'm not available," then it is a major problem. Also the people he associates with are druggies and he might be involved in it too... personally it would be a major deal breaker for me. Being associated to drug addicts leads to all kinds of problems.

Posted

I could see if you didn't like to hang with his friends because they just like to do "guy" stuff - watching football games etc, but what you are talking about is destructive behavior and if all of his friends are participating in destructive behavior, what does that say about him? Will be he like this when he gets comfy with the relationship?

 

I could see if these guys were his "old friends" from growing up, but if he is not like them, it would normally be that he has another set of friends that more match his goals, lifestyle, etc that he made later.

 

Normally, it is not a dealbreaker if you don't like some friends, but when every friend seems to be a part of this lifestyle, you have to wonder how the bf fits in with this scheme.

 

I would take a wide open look at who your boyfriend really is. Really, if he wants to get out of the roommate situation sincerely, it took me 2 weeks to find an apartment when I started looking. And looking as in going to see a bunch 2 days a week for those 2 weeks. Also, there are room for rent situations as well just to get out. If he doesn't find an apartment soon, he doesn't want to move.

 

But overall, if he can't tell the roommate "NO, I am not available" or "no, i am not interested" he doesn't have a backbone or in the future might justify is involvement with other people "because he has no choice."

Posted

Think about your boyfriend for a moment. He is stuck in a situation where he is forced to be with these people. Obviously he wants to be with you more.

Think of it this way, if you decide to make your boyfriend choose, you will essentially be saying "Me, or the roof above your head?"

I do agree that he needs to man up and tell his roommate that he has bigger priorities (you).

Have you tried planning things out, and asking them to come along? One thing you could do is plan a day out, invite them, and sneak off while they're occupied. Get a few hours alone with your boyfriend and meet up later with the other guys. Go to the beach or somewhere where there will always be something to do.

Don't break the poor guys heart over something he doesn't have much control over. He already said he wants to move, and he will.

Posted

Huge red flag and deal breaker. I personally would never get involved with anyone who is or have friends who are into substance abuse (alcohol, drugs, what have you). Your boyfriend is putting himself and you at risk, even if he doesn't do it himself. If he's making an effort to get rid of these people due to his current living condition, then I would give him time and a chance to make that happen. If it never happens, then maybe it's because he really wants to be friends with these people and you have to decide if it's acceptable to you in a relationship or not.

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