Where do I go from here?

[Vertigo1981]

I’ve been broken up with my girlfriend now for a little more than 6 months. I did not discover the no contact strategy until about 2 months ago so I’ve been trying to adhere to it as best as I can. I’ve cut her off from facebook and twitter but I still run into her at least once a week (we play pub trivia every Sunday but on different teams). I can’t tell if it is having an effect on this girl or not, she has made no contact with me either, just a simple good night when I leave the bar on Sundays.

She still haunts my memories all the time. I’m trying hard to be proactive about the breakup by not putting her on a pedestal and focusing on taking care of myself and going out to other places to share myself with the world, but it just doesn’t seem like it’s having the desired effect. I still get really upset a lot and have a hard time focusing while at work.

To be honest I am still not sure if I want to be over her completely or if I want her back in my life. I’ve made the pros and cons lists and both options seem great but neither are coming to fruition. I’ve tried techniques to get over her from self-help books, internet resources and advice from friends. Sometimes they work but every couple of days I relapse into a whirlwind of stress and depression. I have a hard time trying to remember the bad times of our relationship because the good times lasted more than twice as long (over all we were together for a year and a half and it was only the last 5 months that were rough).

I’ve now noticed and been told of her spending a lot of time with another guy. When I saw his hand on her lower back last Sunday it made me furious and I had to leave the bar right away before I did something outrageous. Jealousy has now creeped its ugly head into my already swirling pit of emotions and it’s not helping things.

Not sure what I’m asking for from the forum community, I guess I just want things to be cool again in my life. Any thoughts?

[SAButterfly]

Welcome to the boards Vertigo. I'm guessing that she broke up with you? If I were you, I would honestly stay away from trivia for a while- especially if she's with the new guy. Seeing that is only going to set you back and hurt you more. It seems to me like you're doing everything right- focusing on letting her go, bettering yourself, and moving on. It's just going to take time. Of course, I'm at the seven month mark and I still have my issues with entirely letting my ex go and moving on with my life. He keeps popping up as well. We both just have to keep pushing forward!!

[dasilver]

Welcome to the boards Vertigo. I'm guessing that she broke up with you? If I were you, I would honestly stay away from trivia for a while- especially if she's with the new guy. Seeing that is only going to set you back and hurt you more. It seems to me like you're doing everything right- focusing on letting her go, bettering yourself, and moving on. It's just going to take time. Of course, I'm at the seven month mark and I still have my issues with entirely letting my ex go and moving on with my life. He keeps popping up as well. We both just have to keep pushing forward!!

 

Hi Vertigo,

 

I have to agree with SAButterfly here...You might have to stay away from the trivia for a bit....

 

It hurts real bad when you love somebody and they don't love you back....

 

You've done well though....and you will heal from this.

 

Nobody knows when you'll be completely healed as time heals us all differently.

 

(((hugs)))

[aliciakirwin]

patience is the key. you are doing great, don't stop now!

[ghengisT]

Sounds like she's moved on. Yeah, it's painful to watch.

 

You have to do the same. At least try. Get out there, and take other girls on dates. I was crushed when my girlfriend broke up with me. Within a week, I went on huge self-improvement stride, had completely stopped initiating contact, but kept responses to her polite. She took the hint.

 

To get over her- I spent a lot of time on here, reading & writing. I also started reading articles & forum advice on link removed because I literally felt like I had forgotten how to pickup women. Yeah, most of the guys on there are in it for the 1-night stands, but regardless, it's great confidence booster and will help you break out of your shell. Within 3 months of breaking up, I got to the point where I could walk up & talk to any girl, and had a date or two a week. I was feeling great!

 

Just when I was finally moving on, I ran into my Ex. We were both drunk outside our favorite pub, and I had only come back to our town because my new date flaked on me. Within 2 minutes we're telling each other how much we miss each other and making out. A couple days later, we met up again & discussed what we really wanted. She crushed me after 4yrs in our relationship (she called me the nicest guy ever). 3 months apart allowed me to reclaim my balls. 2 months back into it, she's calling me the biggest @sshole ever (but wants to be with me).

 

Here's how I see it: Alpha male feels no pain. He is unaffected by the people that will come & go through his life. To him, it's an experience, and when the experience is over, there are more experiences to be had

 

Most of the time when a girl leaves, it's not because there is something wrong with the girl. It just that you weren't man enough for her tastes. There's nothing wrong with this, but keep in mind: The strongest woman and the most strident feminist wants to be led by, and to submit to, a more powerful man. Polarity is the core of a healthy loving relationship. She does not want the prerogative to walk all over you with her capricious demands and mercurial moods. Her emotions are a hurricane, her soul a saboteur. Think of yourself as a bulwark against her tempest.

[Belgian girl]

am wondering too why you two broke up..

[Vertigo1981]

Thank you all for your responses.

In regards to staying away from the bar, it’s hard enough to go there only once a week. This was MY place, my favorite watering hole and had been for several years, long before she first walked through its doors. I miss it dearly; in fact I would think I have a bigger love affair with this place than I do with her. I've had a couple of friends question me about why they haven’t seen me there in a while and I try the nonchalant responses without letting them know that I just can't bear to see her in person without getting really angry or really sad (but I'm assuming a lot of them have already figured that out). I keep going to the trivia nights because my good friends are on a team with me and think I might be letting them down if I don’t show. But if you think I need to stay away full time then I'll talk to them and say I won’t be around for a few weeks. Follow up question: about what time do you think it might be alright to come back to this place? Is it a set amount of months or weeks, or should I avoid it until I start feeling a certain way. I'm eager to go back to it and I feel like I'm completely re-arranging my life by not being a regular customer there which is something I'm really not comfortable with.

Also, I've tried the going out portion of your advice when it says "date other girls" and this doesn’t seem to be working for me right now. I trying my best to re-build my self confidence (which is something that has been pretty low my whole life) after the break up. She didn't leave me for anyone; she just decided one day that "having absolutely no one in my life would be better than spending it with this guy". Which is a horrible way to look at it, but that’s how I felt. I am putting forth the effort, but coming up dry when it comes to finding someone else. Not really looking for a relationship right now because I know that’s just filling the void left by my ex and isn’t fair to the other girl; but just finding someone to take out to dinner/movies/drinks/sex/whatever for a night or weekend is proving very difficult for me right now.

Belgian Girl, to answer your question, she broke up with me. We were living together at the time. She asked me to move in with her repeatedly after my old roommate left and I wasn’t having much luck finding someone to take his spot. Moving in with her was something I wasn’t sure about and a little apprehensive towards because I had never lived with someone I was in a relationship with before. I took the leap of faith and moved in. Within two weeks of that I got laid off from my job and spent the next several months on unemployment. Things started to decline between us during this time and when she ended it she told me that I had changed. I thought she was a big hypocrite for telling me this because she had changed a lot too. Looking back I believe she did see a change in me that I couldn’t see, moving in with a girl and losing my job I'm sure had a big effect on me but I can't really remember too many specific incidents on how I had changed (I think I had also put on several pounds during my time being unemployed, she made only one mention of this during one of our fights toward the last few weeks together). But the main thing I want to stress is that I never hit her, lied to her, pushed her, berated her, intentionally made her feel like ****; I did my best to love and support her. Maybe I didn’t do or say the right things at the right times, but I never gave up on her like she had given up on me.

Hopefully this will shed more details on the situation.

[Clueless90]

Firstly i have to say I believe moving on tends to happen when we truly WANT to move on. You said so yourself if you even want to get over her. I read self help books too esspecially when I was/am going through a break up. Don't just read the book once, high light the parts that you feel really help you and keep it with you in a bag at all times as that's what I do when I'm having a moment of weakness. I agree sometimes its harder to let go when the other person hasn't done anything really awful, I felt this way and then I found out all sorts of stuff about my ex and suddenly non of the hoping to get back together stuff was there anymore, I just don't want him back even if he tried. Remember all the things you're doing to move on e.g. going out etc will start to work but first you need to let it and stop thinking oh its not working, this and that isn't working, stop being so negative, if you catch yourself thinking about her/the breakup, try and distract yourself, I find that helps and when you do all these things remember to really try to enjoy yourself and let it work its magic on you rather than going out with friends and instead of really immersing yourself in what is happening there and then, thinking about your ex and the breakup. Offcourse its not going to work if you do that.

 

Hope that helps you a bit.

[Vertigo1981]

I'll admit, thinking negatively has also been a vice of mine for as long as I can remember. It is also something I've been trying to focus on for the past 2 weeks or so. I have found it was one of the more difficult things to change about my character as I'm sure my mind has been engrained with the "glass is half empty" mentality for pretty much all my life. I appreciate your input Clueless90, you've given me something to think about.