Being used for sex.

[Blue Spiral]

There's no emotion involved in the act, for me, but I've felt emotions for two different women. That said, those emotions predated me sleeping with them.

 

I've never felt bad about any of my FWB situations.

[Lonewing]

Developing feelings through sex is a very female thing. Guys can do it without emotion, and they can never develop any feelings.

 

It's a very HUMAN thing - don't think it only happens to females...

 

You may just sit down and talk to him about it.

[Lonewing]

Man, I wonder why his friends are friends with this guy if they don't see how he freakin behaves.

 

LOL, so OP, don't be a fast food burger. Be a filet mignon. Dang i'm hungry.

 

lol that's why i say nice is overrated. I'm going to go next time "So what do you mean by nice? Give me examples of what nice is to you [in my head I'm thinking, "you piece of lying" ;] ]."

 

Oh my god I'm so using that line. Thanks for the awesome quote.

 

I had a fastfood burger today. It was effing delicious.

 

Guys like him always have lots of friends. He's a good guy, who sleeps with girls if they want to sleep with them, but doesn't pin any future expectations on it. And he obviously likes this set up - what so "bad" about it? He IS honest up front, and it's not like he's rough or crude about it [as in, wham bam GOODBYE!]. No, he hangs around and cuddles afterwards. He just doesn't want to take out your trash, clean out your baggage, or deal with your basket too. Sigh.

[goodfoot]

I don't think it's fair to blame it on the guy when from the beginning he was straight-forward. You can only be used for sex if you allow it.

[Belgian girl]

Same here; I can have sex without attachements but as soon as I' m nearly together with someone I do feel a lot of emotions and makes it hard to have sexual contacts with others even if he would not mind.

[Jim Wormold]

I cant help feeling this is your rejection speaking.

 

I have met, and know from a friend, of women who only wanted

no strings attached situations. It hasnt happened to me much -

but recently it did and I think me wanting to help her with

small things like her bicycle actually pushed her away. She felt

even that too much. The last time we met up I could tell she

was already texting with a new guy... yes, while telling me that

our arrangement was off.

 

She told me she had been doing this for the past four years, by the way.

 

This whole idea that its always men using women is problematic.

Maybe even old-fashioned too - referring to times when women

had less say or power. You had the power and you chose to

see the situation differently instead. You could have just seen

the time as one to enjoy. But you liked him and knew the risks.

 

I can understand that its your heart speaking though.

[Donovan79]

Two things:

 

1) Guys don't get attached based on sex. We get attached based on not-sex. If you make yourself always available to a guy, for sex all the time when you want more, we get bored. It's just physiology. Can't help it. I met a lovely, fun, very sweet girl at a party a few weeks back and she made it perfectly clear that she'd be willing to do anything, anywhere, anytime. She threw down one compliment after another. She initiated texting 5x a day when I didn't once. I'm not saying you're a clinger like this, but it *has* to be a balance. If he's not initiating, pull back. If he initiates, great, give back a little. But if you pull back and he still doesn't try to pull you in, you gotta let him go because like you said, he's just not that into you.

 

2) The_Seeker, your multiquote skills would make Frank Lloyd Wright green with envy.

[Jim Wormold]

I have to disagree with you here. This might be fine for you,

but please dont speak for all us guys.

 

I dont see a women any differently because of how soon we have sex

or not. I think this is a sad reflection on your part.

 

I think that it actually shows a positive side - feeling confident and comfortable

with ones body and with others. Guys who try to see women in some moralistic

or "too easy" vein need some maturing. Women can "enjoy" themselves just

as much as men.

 

In fact, she may still even dump you later - you dont know this.

 

Being a clingy sort of person is a different story entirely. That is off-putting, but

that has nothing to do with sex. More with demands.

 

What keeps me interested instead is her personality and whether we click

on a human level and in the interests we share.

 

I also think that people with hang ups over sex, may be complicated partners.

I dont mind waiting in the least, but then it should be for an emotional reason,

not because its some silly game to make me interested.

[tiredofvampires]

I am very detached from him and really just wanted to have sex.... but I think it's still really hard to do this without having any feelings when you've already been there with the person....The thing is.... I know it was just sex..because that's just his style.. but he has been on my mind ever since. I don't question if he cares about me or wants to date me

 

OP, people can start having a sexual relationship that's emotionally detached, and then begin to develop feelings for one another. But I think it's nearly impossible to go the other way. It's not "really hard" -- it's pret' near impossible.

 

And, just sex is "just his style"...but it's his style, isn't it? It's not really yours.

 

So, like a few other posters here, I think you're having a bit of a hard time being honest with yourself, when you say you are "very detached and really just wanted to have sex." I think you really want to feel that you're in control, realistic, and in line with what the arrangement asks of you here, probably because the sex is gratifying in and of itself; but it's also a temporary feeling of having what you'd ultimately like with him -- which is having him.

 

It'll be good for you to start ignoring his texts. But good luck with that. Once this kind of dynamic is set, it's hard to break, until you figure out a really compelling reason to stop interacting with him. So you'd have to come to a bit of a clearer epiphany where you realize/admit you're more hooked, even now, than you'd like to be, and that his "style" is causing you enough pain that you need to avoid him and it. And that in the future, guys who have sex without developing any feelings while you do, are not for you. Such a guy will always be calling the shots.

 

Everyone of course must take responsibility for their own choices and freely-entered-upon participation in such scenarios.

 

However, I believe there are different ways to use people. So I think it's over-simplified to say, "He was up front, you agreed, no one was used."

 

One way to use someone is to abjectly lie to them, mislead them into thinking more could develop from sex, or that you care more than you do. Stringing along is a very blatant version of using, and the more deliberately disguised the intentions, the more damnable it is.

 

But I also think that when you have a mutual agreement to have a no-strings arrangement, and everything is on the up-and-up, and it starts to become clear that there is an imbalance in the emotional investment level of the parties, that becomes hard to obscure or not notice. Such imbalances start to show themselves in all kinds of nuances even if everyone is outwardly adhering to the "contract." It's something both can sense. And in that case, the party that is less invested, who sees this, is now aware that the other one is going to get hurt. That they are bringing disappointment and pain upon themselves, and that at some point this is going to emerge.

 

So, while the "one down" party does have the responsibility for their own wellbeing, it can also be said that someone who knows another is weak, and acting against their better judgement, is exploiting that. If you know someone is doing things with you sexually, but they are conflicted and possibly hanging on a false hope, then what you are doing is opportunistic.

 

And while I'm not nuts about labels, opportunism could justifiably be categorized under a general, expanded heading of "player."

 

And that can be even more insidious in a way than the blatant version of stringing someone along, because you can always back up and point to the contract and say, hey, I was totally honest with you. You walked into this willingly. I'm not liable for this.

 

And technically you're correct. They don't have a leg to stand on. But if you're talking about finer shades of respect for people, you're culpable, too.

 

 

ETA:

2) The_Seeker, your multiquote skills would make Frank Lloyd Wright green with envy.

LOL!

[Donovan79]

Being a clingy sort of person is a different story entirely. That is off-putting, but

that has nothing to do with sex. More with demands.

 

What keeps me interested instead is her personality and whether we click

on a human level and in the interests we share.

 

I also think that people with hang ups over sex, may be complicated partners.

I dont mind waiting in the least, but then it should be for an emotional reason,

not because its some silly game to make me interested.

 

I was talking about the clingy, not the sex. If a girl sleeps with me right away but still is fun and interesting and keeps her own life, game on. But if she is just always there -- physically and sexually -- willing to do whatever I want, whenever I want it, then no, I'm sorry, I'll lose interest. Call me immature if you want but I like a girl who has her own stuff to do and can't always be there for me 100% of the time.

[Jim Wormold]

I was talking about the clingy, not the sex. If a girl sleeps with me right away but still is fun and interesting and keeps her own life, game on. But if she is just always there -- physically and sexually -- willing to do whatever I want, whenever I want it, then no, I'm sorry, I'll lose interest. Call me immature if you want but I like a girl who has her own stuff to do and can't always be there for me 100% of the time.

 

Ok. See your point.

 

Sadly I lost someone who was 100% there for me, but not in a clingy way at all.

 

Its a pretty special feeling to have that. I am beginning to think its also rare

that people understand that perfect balance between independent interests,

and that 100%ness.

 

Anyone who is passionate and curious about the world around her already

has my interest.

 

Still having that emotional dependability too is a keeper. I want to give

my 100% to such a person when I find her.

 

So we can sort of agree in the end

[tiredofvampires]

1) Guys don't get attached based on sex. We get attached based on not-sex.

 

On a second take, I have to question this.

 

Because we women have a well-known adage -- which I have found to be true -- that "the way to a man's heart is through his pants."

 

I wish what you said held up to my own experiences and scrutiny, but I've noticed (and so have countless women) that the operative word here is "just physiology" -- it can be JUST as profane as that, to make the difference, which has lots of us bummed out. A lot of us have felt over a lifetime of showcasing caring, funny, sensitive, intelligent BOMBSHELL personalities...that what will seal the deal is blowing his mind with the most incredible sex he's ever had.

 

You can take the nastiest woman, with the most unbelievably immature responses to life, but if she is stellar as a lover, there's a good chance there's a guy in her bed falling for her hard and wanting to make unworkable things work. I'm not even talking about guys who are the male equivalent of women who get taken for a ride by bad boys. I'm talking about guys who have some self-respect, but who are simply deeply invested in the physical passion and the place of vulnerability it takes them that only sex can bring them. And the sheer high of it.

 

Sex is not enough to keep a man, ultimately (well..and maybe there are even exceptions to that). But it's enough to create in him a desire for more, with more of his heart involved, than any other non-physical conduit, particularly in the beginning phases.

 

So I don't know what gives, honestly, with your take vs. mine. This quite frankly leaves me confused. Even now. Certainly, for someone younger like the OP, that's going to be very confusing. And for every woman who believes that eventually, putting out is going to win him over. Because so often, it DOES.

 

And that's not to say this is a manipulation. It's just a hope engendered. The hope that in mutual lust, he is not too far behind in the beginnings of what might be love.

 

That's why you see so many threads like this, especially from women. We know that sex can be and often is the key in the lock with men.

 

So I don't know...maybe depends on how a guy is oriented to relationships? Whether he values them or really doesn't care much about them? I don't know.

[Donovan79]

Hmm... ToV, that's interesting. Maybe it's worth going even further and splitting looks from sex for guys. I know plenty of guys who meet girls with brilliant personalities who want to bang all the time, and they never want more than FwB. Yeah yeah, sad, I know. I also know guys who meet gorgeous women who are kinda removed and yet still love to f***, and the guys fall deeply in love.

[tiredofvampires]

I also know guys who meet gorgeous women who are kinda removed and yet still love to f***, and the guys fall deeply in love.

 

And that's one of those kinds of situations I'm talking about.

 

What is such a woman offering when she's removed like that? She's offering the rest -- the looks, and the hypnotic feeling of the sex. And that, then, through the alchemy that is innate to a man's heart, becomes deep love.

 

Not the greatest of news for those of us who don't put fing on the top of our list (and who may not be "gorgeous").

 

Or who would like to believe your statement.

[Donovan79]

But if it's just the sex, then why don't they fall for the less attractive women with large sexual appetites? Shouldn't they reel them in just as much? I'm just suggesting that it's the aloofness -- the hard to get -- that makes the man mad in pursuit.

 

link removed

 

I think what Will was trying to say is that men get crazy lusting after that which they can't have. Women too. And yet once you get it, you hate all the BS reasons you came up with to get something that was really only about laying something attractive.

 

Note that I'm not talking about what's healthy here. Just what many men do.

[Blue Spiral]

Two things:

 

1) Guys don't get attached based on sex. We get attached based on not-sex. If you make yourself always available to a guy, for sex all the time when you want more, we get bored. It's just physiology. Can't help it.

 

My experience has been completely different. But then, I've never been attracted to the "hard to get" types. I can't imagine seeing availability as a bad thing.

[Donovan79]

My experience has been completely different. But then, I've never been attracted to the "hard to get" types. I can't imagine seeing availability as a bad thing.

 

When I was in college and for years after, I was really into the highly-available girls, which unfortunately often overlapped with the "need a guy to save me" girls. And the white night thing was fun for awhile, because it made me feel demanded, wanted. But then after dealing with these girls' problems for so long and getting nothing back, I realized how great a very independent, fun, slightly cocky girl sounded. Someone who I'd have to chase a bit. Turns out you need a bit of confidence to get them. But the process of building that confidence in healthy, non-egotistical ways has been an amusing past time and something still very much underway.

[Blue Spiral]

You say "highly-available" and it makes me think "desperate/clingy". I'm talking about regular girls that don't play games. They can be just as independent and fun, but without the egocentric drama.

[Di84]

Wow ! Thanks for all the replies everyone. I actually thought about my post today and wanted to correct my "subject" here. I guess you are all right... I was not being "used" for sex as I knew exactly what I was getting myself into here....but every time I tried to detach, and he knew I would be trying to do so... he would intentionally try to get me back into it for his own pleasure. I do consider this a form of "using" someone - especially when the person KNOWS that the partner is the weaker one in the relationship. I am not a clingy or desperate person AT ALL. I enjoy sex just as much as any man out there does, but I am a human being with emotions. I guess it was just hard for me to grasp the idea of sex in general over and over with the same person.... and not developing a single feeling towards this person. I really wish sometimes I could have sex with people and be completely detached at all times.

 

Anyway - I have not heard from him since he left my place on sunday morning so there won't be any need for me to ignore his texts anymore. I have no interest in contacting him either since he is simply not for me.

[The_Seeker]

I had a fastfood burger today. It was effing delicious.

 

Guys like him always have lots of friends. He's a good guy, who sleeps with girls if they want to sleep with them, but doesn't pin any future expectations on it. And he obviously likes this set up - what so "bad" about it? He IS honest up front, and it's not like he's rough or crude about it [as in, wham bam GOODBYE!]. No, he hangs around and cuddles afterwards. He just doesn't want to take out your trash, clean out your baggage, or deal with your basket too. Sigh.

 

You know what, I'm going to be that guy. See what type of reaction I get.

 

I'm going to test this experiment of being emotionally unavailable.

[The_Seeker]

 

2) The_Seeker, your multiquote skills would make Frank Lloyd Wright green with envy.

 

What can I say? I got the courage like Green Lantern. ;] Yeah it's that sexy.

[Lonewing]

I think this is deeper than that. It's not your issue with the idea of having sex over and over with another perosn and not developing a single feeling towards that person. It's your issue that if you have sex over and over with a person, then you start having monogamous feelings towards that person. I'm not going to say he doesn't have feelings for you, because it's not like he's dashing off afterwards or like he's mistreating you. No, he's lingering on, enjoying every bit of that moment. But he's not monogamous, at least, not right now. Who knows, he could change, but then again, he could stay the same.

 

The point here is, if you're both lonely and alone, together you mutually complete each other, even if it's just for a short while - that's not necessarily void of emotions, it's just void of the emotions you are expect. ing to develop - he has a different set of feelings you haven't yet encountered, or accepted, or been taught.

 

I would not be surprised if you did see him again. If you do, don't beat yourself up over him not taking you "forever." Enjoy that moment, and simply let it simmer. But if you do see something else, you'll have to eventually break away and never see him again.

[Lonewing]

You know what, I'm going to be that guy. See what type of reaction I get.

 

I'm going to test this experiment of being emotionally unavailable.

 

If you're giving up sex int he process and just using them for their members, chances are...they'll adore you, worship you, and deep in the night, silently curse your existence for making them so weak. there are an increasing number of girls like this out there.

[Ms Darcy]

I still think this is disingenuous. Sex is pleasurable for you both otherwise you wouldn't keep having sex with him. You yourself say you enjoy sex. He's not using you; you are getting something out of it too. Please don't run towards claiming that after you get pleasure you are suddenly being used.

 

And I also think you need to examine yourself if you think of yourself as weaker. I agree that you are weaker, by the way. Not that you are inherently weaker but that you are choosing to be weaker. You have a voice and you can say no: choose to do that.

[The_Seeker]

If you're giving up sex int he process and just using them for their members, chances are...they'll adore you, worship you, and deep in the night, silently curse your existence for making them so weak. there are an increasing number of girls like this out there.

 

I'm curious different types of guys out there. Might as well enjoy the buffet. Hahaha but I have to set my limit.

 

I'm going to try it. Just gotta make sure he doesn't have any diseases, practices safe sex and doesn't complain. LOL I'm definitely not going to pursue or chase. Hehehe!

 

I'll let you know, my Mr.Lonewing and might PM you about a few questions.

 

I can't believe I'm turning into this type of person, never thought I would.