Being used for sex.

[Di84]

Uff... I don't even know where to start with my story but I'll keep it as short as I can.

I met this guy last year through a friend. I saw him out one night and really just took an interest in him. So... we gradually started talking but never really dated. I would say we continously would make plans to see each other out every weekend for a few months but it was never a one on one date. He told me last year that he didn't want a relationship and didn't think he would be ready for one for a few years. He is 33 and I am 28. Really, I always thought the "I'm not ready for a relationship" was just an excuse and basically this person was just not that into me. So I told him back then that I wanted a relationship and that was what I was looking for. I remember hoping he would just stop talking to me after I told him that because I liked him a bit too much to stop talking to him. Long story short - he persisted and sweet talked me, and I ended up sleeping with him. This became a weekend thing...every weekend we would meet up out with friends then end up having sex and I'd spend the night at his place. I have never had this type of relationship with anyone but I was well aware I would end up hurt. The thing was he really confused me. I recall back in February he invited me up north with some friends and I went. He was super kind with me and treated me almost as if I was his girlfriend that weekend up north. I left the cottage that sunday morning and came back home with a friend. The only contact we had after that weekend together was the weekend after. I saw him out (usual spot) and he basically ignored me. I ended up calling him at the end of the night and got in a pretty big argument with him and that was the end of it.

 

Now, because I have a mutual good friend with him... I would continue to see him out on occasion. I always acted polite and as if we never had any kind of history together (being the sex). Fast forward to now. I saw him two weeks ago at a pool party and we ended up talking again. He seemed to be watching me the entire time and all the guys I would speak with. However, he is the time of person that likes to act very aloof and as if he really doesn't care about me and he is not jealous. I still don't think he cares about me, but he definitely gets jealous. I left the party that day and went on with my life as usual. Two weeks later (last week) he messages me inviting me out to another party. I didn't go because i had other plans. But we end up texting each other back and forth again. I cringe at the thought of this and i really hate to say it..... but i ended up sleeping with him again this passed weekend. I am very detached from him and really just wanted to have sex.... but I think it's still really hard to do this without having any feelings when you've already been there with the person. He spent the night at my place and in the morning didn't seem to want to go home. He ended up staying in bed with me until about 2pm. Finally i had things to do and we both went along with our days separately. The thing is.... I know it was just sex..because that's just his style.. but he has been on my mind ever since. I don't question if he cares about me or wants to date me --- but I do wonder if men who use women for sex ever feel any guilt knowing that the girl is a good girl and might get hurt by it since it has happened in the past? I know I am responsible for my behaviour and I am not saying I am hurt by this right now or regretting it......... I just wonder if men feel anything at all especially when you were seeing the person for a few months then go back for more 6 months later.

 

I guess I just want to gather some thoughts in general on the whole "sex without strings" type of relationships and if there is in fact any feelings for the one who is considered the "player".

[HeartGoesOn]

He told me last year that he didn't want a relationship and didn't think he would be ready for one for a few years.

 

He told you from the start that he didn't want a relationship, therefore he didn't use you, nor is he a player. I'm sorry, but you walked into this with your eyes wide open...lesson learned.

[Di84]

I know that. I am not saying today that I expect a relationship with him. What I am asking if how do men never get attached to the women they sleep with over and over? How do they not have any kind of feelings?

[Natasha24]

I agree with HeartGoesOn. He didn't use you, he's not a player, he has nothing to feel guilty about. He made it clear that he didn't want a relationship with you.

[orange1234]

I know that. I am not saying today that I expect a relationship with him. What I am asking if how do men never get attached to the women they sleep with over and over? How do they not have any kind of feelings?

 

Developing feelings through sex is a very female thing. Guys can do it without emotion, and they can never develop any feelings.

[The_Seeker]

Uff... I don't even know where to start with my story but I'll keep it as short as I can.

 

Hahaha, baby girl that was damn long. LOL ;]

 

I met this guy last year through a friend. I saw him out one night and really just took an interest in him.

 

Ah, the woman is the pursuer. ;] You go get him, Tiger.

 

So... we gradually started talking but never really dated. I would say we continously would make plans to see each other out every weekend for a few months but it was never a one on one date. He told me last year that he didn't want a relationship and didn't think he would be ready for one for a few years.

 

Advice: Always listen and PAY more attention to what people say about NEGATIVE things. LOL Not positive. ;]

 

I learned the hard way since I dated Mr.T from link removed, and past 3 relationships.

 

He is 33 and I am 28.

 

LOL I dated a 33 year old man before. My recent ex. But I'm 24. Anyway.

 

 

 

Really, I always thought the "I'm not ready for a relationship" was just an excuse and basically this person was just not that into me.

 

It may be an excuse or reason.

 

LOL You will never know. Don't rationalize his behavior unless you are Certified Psychologist, Certified Therapist, or Dr.Phil.

 

 

So I told him back then that I wanted a relationship and that was what I was looking for.

 

This is what happens when you're too honest with you're intention. It backfires.

 

LOL I know in most of my previous posts I was always talking about being honest etc etc.

 

To be honest, be honest to those who are honest to you first from the very start til the very end. But then again there are exceptions.

 

Don't ever tell a guy your intention with him. Heck with anyone. They are just going to find out who you are as a person, and you're going to find out what type of person he is.

 

Hence why I decided I'm going to date multiple guys, but I will be honest that I'm dating around and he is free to date whoever he wants.

 

Why? I want to make sure the infatuation wears off. LOL Also I want a crazy guy who is madly and passionately truly crazy about me. ;]

 

I remember hoping he would just stop talking to me after I told him that because I liked him a bit too much to stop talking to him. Long story short - he persisted and sweet talked me, and I ended up sleeping with him. This became a weekend thing...every weekend we would meet up out with friends then end up having sex and I'd spend the night at his place. I have never had this type of relationship with anyone but I was well aware I would end up hurt. The thing was he really confused me. I recall back in February he invited me up north with some friends and I went. He was super kind with me and treated me almost as if I was his girlfriend that weekend up north. I left the cottage that sunday morning and came back home with a friend. The only contact we had after that weekend together was the weekend after. I saw him out (usual spot) and he basically ignored me. I ended up calling him at the end of the night and got in a pretty big argument with him and that was the end of it.

 

Uh was there any exclusivity?

 

Next time, slow down. Don't rush. LOL You're trying to get to the destination instead of the journey. That's my problem too. But I changed my behavior after reading so many bad ENA guys on this board. ;] Hehehe!

 

 

Now, because I have a mutual good friend with him... I would continue to see him out on occasion.

 

Ah I see.

 

I always acted polite and as if we never had any kind of history together (being the sex). Fast forward to now.

 

What the hell. Why the heck would you be polite?

 

You don't have to be polite to that guy. Just do your own thing. That's like U.S.A. being polite to the Terrorists.

 

 

I saw him two weeks ago at a pool party and we ended up talking again. He seemed to be watching me the entire time and all the guys I would speak with.

 

God, don't ever talk to a guy when he treated you like a toilet. Where's your self-worth?

 

 

However, he is the time of person that likes to act very aloof and as if he really doesn't care about me and he is not jealous.

 

Let's get this one thing straight. You are not Dr.Phil.

 

Stop analyzing this monkey.

 

 

I still don't think he cares about me, but he definitely gets jealous. I left the party that day and went on with my life as usual.

 

WHo careeeees.

 

 

Two weeks later (last week) he messages me inviting me out to another party. I didn't go because i had other plans.

 

Good.

 

But we end up texting each other back and forth again.

 

OMG, I swear texting is the biggest booty call. Even emailing.

 

I cringe at the thought of this and i really hate to say it..... but i ended up sleeping with him again this passed weekend. I am very detached from him and really just wanted to have sex.... but I think it's still really hard to do this without having any feelings when you've already been there with the person.

 

Yuck.

 

You shouldn't sleep with a man who you are crazy about yet he is not crazy about you. LOL That's not equal, love.

 

He spent the night at my place and in the morning didn't seem to want to go home. He ended up staying in bed with me until about 2pm. Finally i had things to do and we both went along with our days separately. The thing is.... I know it was just sex..because that's just his style.. but he has been on my mind ever since.

 

Oh my god, get a life without him. He's spending his time with you without paying a single penny of respect.

 

 

I don't question if he cares about me or wants to date me

 

Okay, gurlfriend. I'm going to call B.S.

 

If you didn't care, you wouldn't care being used for sex in the first place and wouldn't post a thread like this.

 

I had to call out on this one.

 

 

 

 

--- but I do wonder if men who use women for sex ever feel any guilt knowing that the girl is a good girl and might get hurt by it since it has happened in the past?

 

Yup my recent ex. He looked like he was about to cry.

 

I know I am responsible for my behaviour and I am not saying I am hurt by this right now or regretting it......... I just wonder if men feel anything at all especially when you were seeing the person for a few months then go back for more 6 months later.

 

Well put yourself in the other person's shoes. If you start feeling a sign of remise or guilt, then there's probably someone out there who does.

 

Also, you are hurt and regretting it hence the "..." and also you wouldn't title your thread "Being used for sex" like it's so bad. If you get what I mean.

 

I guess I just want to gather some thoughts in general on the whole "sex without strings" type of relationships and if there is in fact any feelings for the one who is considered the "player".

 

You labeled him player. I labeled him a d-bag who doesn't have any integrity and values.

 

Anyway, stop seeing him and ignore him.

 

In the meantime, find yourself and find what a worthy person you are.

 

Go find another guy in the meantime. He's not the only straight guy on this planet.

[markfromark]

I agree with HeartGoesOn too. There have been studies about the "love hormone" and how it stays after sex in the body. With men it stays only for an hour or two, women have it for days. It's just different physiology, men can have sex without emotional attachment, and that's how it's been for millennia.

[The_Seeker]

Developing feelings through sex is a very female thing. Guys can do it without emotion, and they can never develop any feelings.

 

There are exceptions.

 

I can have sex without any attachments.

 

LOL For example, I lost my virginity to my recent ex = third boyfriend. I got over the relationship under 5 minutes. I didn't fight for him. I dated a new guy. Planning to start dating other guys as well.

 

Some guys do develop emotions.

 

Besides you can't believe everything science says or states or facts.

 

That doesn't determine a person or a single individual.

[sugarpiehoney]

I think they do. My FWB for like 2.5 years just recently told me that he wanted to be with me, like marriage...etc. But I haven't seen him since around New Year's and then it was just talk. 2 weeks after that I was involved in a relationship. It all has left me wondering why now? why did you all of a sudden decide I am the one? Why did you wait so long?

 

In the end I made the choice to stay in the relationship I was already in and we are friends like we always have been.

[james86]

It is hard to say. If you think he is just using you for sex, I think you should move on from him. I know that it is not that easy. In my opinion, instead of following him, flip it on its head; and have fun. You dictate when both of you get together. You decide when to **** him.

[The_Seeker]

I think they do. My FWB for like 2.5 years just recently told me that he wanted to be with me, like marriage...etc. But I haven't seen him since around New Year's and then it was just talk. 2 weeks after that I was involved in a relationship. It all has left me wondering why now? why did you all of a sudden decide I am the one? Why did you wait so long?

 

In the end I made the choice to stay in the relationship I was already in and we are friends like we always have been.

 

Now I feel like watching that movie. Hahaha!

 

That's a cute story.

 

Probably seeing you with another guy makes him realize he won't have sex with any woman for a while.

[nocontactrule]

He told you from the start that he didn't want a relationship, therefore he didn't use you, nor is he a player. I'm sorry, but you walked into this with your eyes wide open...lesson learned.

I have to agree with heart. You have a choice to make better decisions. And if you feel this way then what is the point of continuing on sleeping with him?

 

Anyhow, Men have sex just to have sex. Some don't associate love with sex but more of just a mere act to relieve their urge to release. But really, your questions of "How do men never get attached to women they sleep with over and over?" can be answered differently and should be answered by the dood youre sleeping with.

[FYI]

Men do feel, but men don't always acknowledge that they feel. Instead most men just try to convince themselves that this is strictly something sexual and nothing else. Women do that too, so it can go both ways. But in your case, the guy sounds like a player and I think you definitely took the bait and fell into the sex trap. Once he got what he wanted out of you, he's aloof and poof; you no longer exist until he's looking to get laid. It's a trap that most people get caught up in unexpectedly because of unrealistic expectations. We expect the best ending of the book for a story that we really don't have the time or care for to read. I personally fight tooth and nail not to take the bait in a situation like that. Nevermind the True Crime in my name, I do feel and I don't think that I really could stand to be sexual with someone and not feel something or feel some kind of emotion from it; I'm just not wired that way so I won't set myself up. I like to sometimes tell myself that I could and that I should and that someday I will just take the bait or lay some of that bait out in a trap. But I can't deny that I'm really just a loving guy and I cannot go out like that. So what I would suggest, don't set yourself up. You knew going into this, what this was going to be. You knew that when you picked that gun up to play Russian Roulette that it was loaded. Don't play Russian Roulette with your heart like that, especially if you know what a guy is only about. Be better than that.

[Di84]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the replies.

Honestly.... I've just been wondering about the whole thing and how men can have sex without any kind of emotional attachment. I really did have sex with him because that was what I wanted too. Am I hurt? Slightly. But definitely not hurt enough to say I'd cry over it .... or want to contact him... I think my ego is just hurt but I'll be A- ok by Wednesday I am sure lol. I have no intentions of sleeping with him again now or ever being in contact again. I guess I just wanted to know if these men ever find themselves in fulfilling relationships with women - outside of sex.

[orange1234]

There are exceptions.

 

I can have sex without any attachments.

 

LOL For example, I lost my virginity to my recent ex = third boyfriend. I got over the relationship under 5 minutes. I didn't fight for him. I dated a new guy. Planning to start dating other guys as well.

 

Some guys do develop emotions.

 

Besides you can't believe everything science says or states or facts.

 

That doesn't determine a person or a single individual.

 

I totally agree (I didn't mean to say my above statement was always the case). I've had a one night stand where the guy fell and I didn't. He insisted I liked him now that we'd slept (and because that was how women were supposed to react), but I guess I proved him wrong.

[The_Seeker]

Men do feel, but men don't always acknowledge that they feel. Instead most men just try to convince themselves that this is strictly something sexual and nothing else.

 

Women do that too, so it can go both ways.

 

But in your case, the guy sounds like a player and I think you definitely took the bait and fell into the sex trap. Once he got what he wanted out of you, he's aloof and poof; you no longer exist until he's looking to get laid. It's a trap that most people get caught up in unexpectedly because of unrealistic expectations.

 

We expect the best ending of the book for a story that we really don't have the time or care for to read.

 

I blame Disney.

 

I personally fight tooth and nail not to take the bait in a situation like that. Never mind the True Crime in my name, but I do feel and I don't think that I really could stand to be sexual with someone and not feel something or feel some kind of emotion from it;

 

Now that's sexy in a person. I don't think we humans could when we are attracted to someone. Unless they are bad person who just take the "opportunity."

 

I'm just not wired that way so I won't set myself up. I like to sometimes tell myself that I could and that I should and that someday I will just take the bait or lay some of that bait out in a trap. But I can't deny that I'm really just a loving guy and I cannot go out like that.

 

Aw! You deserve a hug! [hugs hugs hugs]

 

 

So what I would suggest, don't set yourself up. You knew going into this, what this was going to be. You knew that when you picked that gun up to play Russian Roulette that it was loaded. Don't play Russian Roulette with your heart like that, especially if you know what a guy is only about. Be better than that.

 

I agreed with True Crime. SLOW DOWN. LOL I should take that my advice for myself.

 

 

 

Oh my god can you next time break down your post. LOL

 

I did it for everyone so they can read it easier.

[The_Seeker]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the replies.

Honestly.... I've just been wondering about the whole thing and how men can have sex without any kind of emotional attachment. I really did have sex with him because that was what I wanted too. Am I hurt? Slightly. But definitely not hurt enough to say I'd cry over it .... or want to contact him... I think my ego is just hurt but I'll be A- ok by Wednesday I am sure lol. I have no intentions of sleeping with him again now or ever being in contact again. I guess I just wanted to know if these men ever find themselves in fulfilling relationships with women - outside of sex.

 

Gurl, that's like believing in stats.

 

Numbers don't prove stuff. It just shows majority and minority. Doesn't analyze a single individual.

 

So in my opinion, don't believe EVERY SINGLE guy out there is detached. Some can, and some can't. It's like losing weight and gaining weight.

[The_Seeker]

I totally agree (I didn't mean to say my above statement was always the case). I've had a one night stand where the guy fell and I didn't. He insisted I liked him now that we'd slept (and because that was how women were supposed to react), but I guess I proved him wrong.

 

Hahaha, you go girl.

 

i never done the ONS before. I was curious when I went on a date with Mr.T but thank god I didn't. Hahaha!

[Di84]

You are SO CORRECT. Great post. I don't feel as though I have fallen in love with all the men I've slept with but I have definitely cared for them on some level otherwise I would not have slept with them. I am a relationship type girl and always have been. All the men I've been with have had respect for me while together and never treated me like an object. So, this was completely new to me. Kind of exciting at the time but also very damaging. I dated a guy for 4 years before this all happened and was devastated by the breakup (thats what brought me to enotalone) and I wasn't exactly looking for a new relationship. That is why the whole "Friends with benefits" thing was kind of appealing last year. I liked him though.... and I felt used... so i naturally ended up very hurt. I am a smart girl and I know my post makes it seem as though I have lost my self worth... but that's not the case and I don't want you guys thinking that. I just ended up in a petty situation with an assh*ole guy that really doesn't have much inside of him. I look at this all as a lesson to be learned.

[ParisPaulette]

Yes, you are being used for sex only. And no, he isn't feeling any guilt about it since he's been nothing but upfront with you on all accounts about this. In fact, he's likely not feeling much of anything except happiness that he got his needs met and knows that now he can count on you to do that again after you've forgiven him for your last blowup. In short he does not feel guilty or wrong doing what he's done because a) he told you up front all along that this was just for sex only and b) you've now proven to him that he can come back even if he treats you like a jerk, which I think is what anyone is who ignores someone they know and call a friend. Let alone having slept with them.

 

Or let me put it another by giving an analogy that a male friend once gave me. To some guys and girls even, getting sex for them means no more than getting food when they're hungry. By which I mean that he feels about you the same way he'd feel if a restaurant he liked, but not so much that he wanted to eat there every day for every meal, one day was closed for renovations. He might be annoyed or miss it a little bit, but he wouldn't stress about it or even give it any more thought beyond, "Where will I eat now?" And then he'd go and find some place else to eat. Then when he sees the restaurant is open again of course he's going to go and eat there. Again, not giving much thought to it beyond the fact he got his physical appetites satisfied.

 

I'm sorry, but this really does sound like one of those either be totally fine to be just a booty call and not even enough of a friend for him to act civil to you in public or cut the ties altogether and move along to someone who will give you what you want. If he hasn't stepped up to the relationship plate by now he never will. The only thing that's confusing here is that you equate him treating you nice sometimes (when he wants to get laid) with him liking you personally and having feelings for you. But he obviously can and does keep these two things completely separate and has zero concern for how you feel, only that you will be there for him. And of course guys and girls like this are good at acting nice. They long ago learned that they have to at least put in some pretense of niceness and interest in the other person or they won't get what they want. Seriously, if you want more look for it elsewhere and don't bother with any response to him beyond, "You're not what I'm looking for, buh-bye." Then don't respond to his texts since that just tells him you have zero respect for your own desires and will put his first, thereby giving him an open door to keep using you.

[Di84]

thanks for the reply. I won't reply to any of his attempts anymore. I highly doubt he will even try. He hasn't bothered me in months so I think he will move on now, and that is perfectly fine. I do however plan on ignoring his next text, if that should ever come through.

[The_Seeker]

Yes, you are being used for sex only. And no, he isn't feeling any guilt about it since he's been nothing but upfront with you on all accounts about this. In fact, he's likely not feeling much of anything except happiness that he got his needs met and knows that now he can count on you to do that again after you've forgiven him for your last blowup. In short he does not feel guilty or wrong doing what he's done because a) he told you up front all along that this was just for sex only and b) you've now proven to him that he can come back even if he treats you like a jerk, which I think is what anyone is who ignores someone they know and call a friend. Let alone having slept with them.

 

Man, I wonder why his friends are friends with this guy if they don't see how he freakin behaves.

 

Or let me put it another by giving an analogy that a male friend once gave me. To some guys and girls even, getting sex for them means no more than getting food when they're hungry. By which I mean that he feels about you the same way he'd feel if a restaurant he liked, but not so much that he wanted to eat there every day for every meal, one day was closed for renovations. He might be annoyed or miss it a little bit, but he wouldn't stress about it or even give it any more thought beyond, "Where will I eat now?" And then he'd go and find some place else to eat. Then when he sees the restaurant is open again of course he's going to go and eat there. Again, not giving much thought to it beyond the fact he got his physical appetites satisfied.

 

LOL, so OP, don't be a fast food burger. Be a filet mignon. Dang i'm hungry.

 

I'm sorry, but this really does sound like one of those either be totally fine to be just a booty call and not even enough of a friend for him to act civil to you in public or cut the ties altogether and move along to someone who will give you what you want. If he hasn't stepped up to the relationship plate by now he never will. The only thing that's confusing here is that you equate him treating you nice sometimes (when he wants to get laid) with him liking you personally and having feelings for you. But he obviously can and does keep these two things completely separate and has zero concern for how you feel, only that you will be there for him. And of course guys and girls like this are good at acting nice. They long ago learned that they have to at least put in some pretense of niceness and interest in the other person or they won't get what they want. Seriously, if you want more look for it elsewhere and don't bother with any response to him beyond, "You're not what I'm looking for, buh-bye." Then don't respond to his texts since that just tells him you have zero respect for your own desires and will put his first, thereby giving him an open door to keep using you.

 

lol that's why i say nice is overrated. I'm going to go next time "So what do you mean by nice? Give me examples of what nice is to you [in my head I'm thinking, "you piece of lying" ;] ]."

 

Oh my god I'm so using that line. Thanks for the awesome quote.

[ProtestTheHero]

I'm sort of in this spot with a girl I met when I was a senior in college. I told her I wasn't interested in dating her but we messed around a lot and eventually I think she resented the fact that I didn't want to commit to anything even though I was fairly transparent about my intentions. We would talk about certain things, she was more open about sharing stuff from her life/past and I would listen. I didn't kick her out or bail every time we fooled around. I can do all these things without feeling emotionally invested or incredibly tied to that person. If she had never wanted to see me again, that's fine. It's not going to bother me if she finds a guy that does want something more serious.

 

I think the problem I have with a lot of these types of discussions is the way that some women frame them. I'm not necessarily picking a fight with the OP, but I've noticed that some women tend to think that the onus is on me to make sure I read everything she is/isn't saying and is/isn't feeling correctly. If she says she can handle a certain setup then she shouldn't expect me to feel bad or make me out to be some sort of villain when the only "mistake" I made was to assume she was telling me the truth.

 

In that scenario I haven't used her for sex anymore than she's used me for sex. We were operating on the same stated and agreed upon expectations. I also don't understand the way people define "good" girls. I don't look down on women who are able to enter into FWB scenarios without getting attached. I don't think they're any less "good" than the women who won't have sex outside of committed relationships.

[The_Seeker]

LOL I'm going to protest and say you did used her for sex when you knew her intentions.

 

You should of stand strong on your own integrity.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't question if he cares about me or wants to date me --- but I do wonder if men who use women for sex ever feel any guilt knowing that the girl is a good girl and might get hurt by it since it has happened in the past? I know I am responsible for my behaviour and I am not saying I am hurt by this right now or regretting it......... I just wonder if men feel anything at all especially when you were seeing the person for a few months then go back for more 6 months later.

 

I guess I just want to gather some thoughts in general on the whole "sex without strings" type of relationships and if there is in fact any feelings for the one who is considered the "player".

 

I do not want to hurt your feelings but I think your question is a little disingenuous. You make quite a few assumptions here. You assume that a man who has sex with a woman without strings is using her. Why? He told you upfront that he didn't want a relationship. You also assume that the girl is a good girl. Define good girl. If both agree to the sex without strings then they are the same in my book. If he is a player then so is she. But in that light the label makes no sense does it?

 

I have a guy friend who gets frustrated with your attitude. He is an eternal bachelor and he makes that clear to women upfront. But that doesn't mean he is going to start treating them poorly. Rather, he likes to be nice and cuddly and thus women start to see him as "playing them" when really they are playing themselves.