Trucks23 Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I may ramble, and go off on several tangents. But, I’ve had so many strange experiences lately I’m at a bit of a boiling point, so bear with me. So, here’s my situation. I do a majority of my “dating” via online dating sites. I reach out to those I’m interested in pretty regularly, and receive responses nowhere near as regularly. If I had to guess, my response rate is probably no higher than 10%. I accept this. I’m 5’5” and I am honest on my profiles about it. I’m certain this is a factor in a good portion of girls’ decisions not to respond. I’ve read the “I love to wear heels, and I can’t date someone who I’d be looking down on all the time” enough to accept that this is just the preference of most girls. (I know this sounds like petty insecurity—and it is. We all have them, get off my back about it). Regardless of the reason, I still am selective about the girls I write—which is another reason my response rate is low. I read profiles before looking at pictures—if, after reading the profile, I want to know more I look at pictures. If I’m attracted to them at this point, I email them. It’s an odd process, I know this, but I think it helps me write a better email to have my first impression be more the person than the face. Needless to say, when 1 of those 10% actually come in I get excited about it. I’m not making it easy on myself, but I think it is better for the overall chances of finding a good meaningful match with long-term potential. Here’s where my recent frustration comes in. Last week, I got a response from one of the better matches I’ve had in a while. I sent the email expecting absolutely nothing—and got a response relatively quickly. We exchanged emails a few times—realized we have quite a bit in common, similar backgrounds and all that stuff. Come yesterday we’d gotten to the point where I felt it was appropriate to suggest a date. Last night, I was sitting around with a couple of my good friends. One of them had just recently signed up for the site as well, and had gone on several dates (he’s pretty much using it just to get laid though, almost the exact opposite of my goal). A couple hours after she had emailed me, as I was still crafting in my head how to ask her out, he drops a “Hey, have you seen so-and-so on there? I’ve been texting her all day, we’re going out on Thursday”. Is it silly of me to automatically decide that I’m done talking to this girl? I’m not competitive in nature when it comes to these things. But, every date he’s been on has included the 2 of them doing something (different levels of “something”) that would pretty much eliminate that girl from my consideration. Even if they go no further than making out, I would probably stop pursuing. While it wouldn’t make me lose respect for her or anything, it would just be a weird thing between my friend and I. Now that I’ve been insanely compulsive and over-analytical—rip me to shreds. I need it.
camus154 Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I can only see bad things arising out of two friends dating the same woman. If he won't drop her, I would. But that's just me.
EgoJoe Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Tell your boy he is chopping game but that it's whatever, you'll see how he reacts to it but I would cut her out of the equation anyways. Start using an assumptive close when you're asking a girl out much more quickly. STOP talking so much via electronics. The phone is an exception when they are busy if you constantly flirt. I'll have a serious conversation but always end flirting. Never on a serious tone. Try this, "So, you're cute and seem fun to talk to. Ummm, dinner next friday at such and such place, I'll pick you up at blank or would you prefer to meet me at such and such coffee house?" Notice how you don't give her a yes or no question. It is an engaging stated request and much more powerful than, "Would you like to go out with me sometime?" She can say, "Yes." to that, never "go out" with you and not technically be flaking. Another thing about your size, just do this, "Hey girl, I know you are probably not used to dealing with celebrities, but even Mighty Mouse gets lonely. What's up?" Be funny. You can be an emotional giant if you make her laugh. Invoking strong feelings in her will nip the height thing in the butt. She will rationalize her usual height objection because rest assured: She has gotten railed by someone shorter than you before.
Thorshammer Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I am not competitive, but among friends (being honest here), the better man gets the woman. I have learned that both my friends and family will step on each other toes, so i have adapted this with women, and i can get pretty vicious. But, if she met him already, i would back off. Though, what is the coincidence of this happening? Both of you messaging the same woman? is it possible one of you sneaked into each others message box? I recommend you detach from expecting too much from replies. Send a lot of messages, the whole "i need a good profile so i take my time" never really works out for men if we looked at probabilities. I have rarely seen someone stick to the fantasy i get when i read a profile anyway. Its the DATE that matters, thats where you find out who they are- a step below that is actual phone communication, then messaging, and the very least is the words threw up on their profile. My gf had nothing on her profile, its with time that i realized she was a lot like me. My experience online has been good and bad. My current gf i met online, and i just went in there (even chased a bit despite her ignoring me and deleting her profile in the middle of our back and forth messaging), and asked for the number as i saw our messages were going absolutely nowhere. It was on the phone that the bug hit us both. Online is hard to make sense of. I had hot women want me and ask me out, and average or below women flat-out ignore me (which were profiles where i actually read them and realized we were a match). I say just dive in there, no plan, develop thick skin and just avoid mistakes.
Trucks23 Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 Does your friend know about this? He sort of knows. He knows that I've talked to her, I don't know that he knows how interested in her I am. It would seem petty to tell him to cancel. I'm sure that wouldn't make my chances with her any better anyways. I'm just going to play it by ear I think--it is a frustrating scenario obviously.
Grace696 Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 "Hey girl, I know you are probably not used to dealing with celebrities, but even Mighty Mouse gets lonely. What's up?" Well, this got a laugh out of me, anyway. But I don't think I would respond very well to the bossy approach. If I got the "dinner next friday at such and such place, I'll pick you up at blank or would you prefer to meet me at such and such coffee house?" I'd think "Excuse me?!" But maybe that's just me. And I have zero experience in internet dating, so take it with a grain of salt.
CatchersRye Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 He sort of knows. He knows that I've talked to her, I don't know that he knows how interested in her I am. It would seem petty to tell him to cancel. I'm sure that wouldn't make my chances with her any better anyways. I'm just going to play it by ear I think--it is a frustrating scenario obviously. You either mention it now or you may have the same situation again. It's not petty to state, "Hey buddy, I've been talking with this girl and would like if you didn't try and get laid with her". A true friend will be more supportive than competitive. Since it seems you two share in the desire for similar girls, this will continue to be a problem until you talk about it. The problem doesn't go away if you ignore it. Also, take this as proof that you cannot sit around and just keep talking, you have to keep it progressing. If you enjoy the conversations, than suggest going out and don't be vague. Be specific in where you will be going. I once had a online date when the girl stated, "I will talk about that when you call me". She was getting tired of just sending texts. You cannot be afraid of moving things along. You get comfortable, like "Ok, we're talking now". Talk to your friend and tell him, you are going to date this girl and you would appreciate it if he canceled his date. A good friend will support you over some stranger.
Trucks23 Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 Good points--thanks for the feedback. Ironically, it's not so much that we share a desire for similar girls. We had actually agreed that I had dibs on all girls 5'5" and under, he was 5'6" and over--because he actually prefers taller girls and is about 6'3" himself. In this case, he just didn't pay enough attention (meanwhile, my searches only show me girls 5'5" and under, this particular girl is 5'2"). I've told him I'm going to date her. We actually have one scheduled for Monday. I did not ask him to cancel his date, though. If they hadn't already had one scheduled, I may have. But, if she were to find out that I told him to cancel on her--I can't think that would reflect very well on my confidence or manners. My hope is that they don't get too far physically--but, I can't do anything about that. Then, on Monday, I'm just going to be myself and see if maybe she prefers me more. If not, and they get along great, well good for my friend and her. What I'm definitely not going to do, is ask him about their date. I really don't want to take her out and be competing to try and one up him.
CatchersRye Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Well it seems you will not tell her you know a friend went on a date with. So then just focus on being yourself on Monday and just see if afterward she wants to go out again. Be sure to bring up things you talked about while texting and just have fun with it. Let her know your intentions and ask about hers as well, if you haven't already via texting.
Trucks23 Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 Well it seems you will not tell her you know a friend went on a date with. So then just focus on being yourself on Monday and just see if afterward she wants to go out again. Be sure to bring up things you talked about while texting and just have fun with it. Let her know your intentions and ask about hers as well, if you haven't already via texting. I don't think I am going to bring it up before we go out. I'm going with your advice though about Monday. I did find out that she actually cancelled on my friend--neither one of us has told her that we know each other. Sort of just a weird scenario. I'm just going to try and treat it just like a normal date and stay comfortable.
The_Seeker Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Ha ha does this remind anyone the movie with Reese Witherspoon "This is War." Where two best friends fight over a girl. LOL OP, I would back off. But I let the girl know that she is dating your friend hence the reason you back off. ;] edit. Scratch about backing off. But let the girl know that guy is your friend. I mean it would be even more awkward if you invite her to hangout with your group of friends and she sees him there.
Sportster2005 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I would just like to chime in and mention 10% is probably the normal for every guy online. I even read it somewhere, can't remember where. So I wouldn't worry too much about it. I find most of my time online is spent rejecting or being rejected. Goes with the territory.
CatchersRye Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Ha ha does this remind anyone the movie with Reese Witherspoon "This is War." Where two best friends fight over a girl. LOL OP, I would back off. But I let the girl know that she is dating your friend hence the reason you back off. ;] edit. Scratch about backing off. But let the girl know that guy is your friend. I mean it would be even more awkward if you invite her to hangout with your group of friends and she sees him there. If things move to be more serious, then at some point mention it. I would do so before you introduce them to each other, so she isn't put in the situation missing knowledge everyone else has. @TheSeeker, I don't think they ever met yet. She canceled on his friend's date with her. Oh and I would suggest avoiding talking about who she explicitly dated from online and, after mentioning your friend was the guy, I would avoid asking her about what she thought of him. It's not a huge deal, but if there becomes a relationship, then she needs to know who your friend was before she meets him. What are you guys going to do on Monday? Anything you both like? Something either one of you hasn't done yet? I would suggest an environment where you can talk freely to each other, but also provides some activity to break up the conversation if you get nervious or the conversation stalls.
Trucks23 Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 Yes, I would absolutely tell her. I would mention it long before I ever decided to bring her out with my friends. I think if things are going well after a couple dates it will be pretty funny to mention--assuming she's not still going out with him too. I do think it's kind of funny, but could put her in an unfortunate position of having to choose. Monday I'm hoping to take her to a baseball game. But, depending on time, we may not be able to do. There's a minor league stadium near me that is lots of fun, isn't so packed that you can't have a discussion, but also has some other interaction. Should be a good time--just hope I don't suffer the same fate as my friend haha.
The_Seeker Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Uh pictures online? Does not mean she won't' remember his face? LOL I remember people's faces on pictures very well. I should become a cop. LOL
Trucks23 Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 Well my friend told me last night that, after she cancelled the date, he told her that was probably for the best because she had been talking to me and he didn't want to be in between. Which, sounds like a great gesture on the surface. Unfortunately, my hunch is that she thinks I asked him to do it. It's gotten to be more trouble than it's worth.
Lambert Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Well my friend told me last night that, after she cancelled the date, he told her that was probably for the best because she had been talking to me and he didn't want to be in between. Which, sounds like a great gesture on the surface. Unfortunately, my hunch is that she thinks I asked him to do it. It's gotten to be more trouble than it's worth. Well, I think you should try to keep it in perspective. Go out with her and decide for yourself if you would even want to see her again. The funny thing about on line dating is, you just have to assume anyone you meet is dating a lot and talking to a lot of people. All you have to do is go on the date, decide if you want to see them again or not. That's the only decision. Try not to think too far ahead-- you have no idea what her real story is, why she is on the site, who is she has been seeing, etc. I think you should not mention your friend and the situation at all. If she brings it up, just laugh it off with an easy going comment like, "I'm just glad you didn't cancel our date" and give her a warm smile. It's not about him or any other guys she is dating. This is your date and you have just as much say in whether there will be a second date. Good luck and be sure to post what happens!!!
confused1979 Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 If I was your mate and I knew you had trouble meeting people, I would cancel with her. You said yourself he is using it to get laid, so why does he not just move on to the next one? Mates look out for each other
CatchersRye Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Agreed with Lambert. You can't think about what else they are doing, you just have to focus on finding out if she is the kind of person you want to date after the first date. Apparently, my girlfriend was talking to this other guy (before we got exclusive) when we started dating. I treated her better than him and that's all she says. You can't worry about stuff you have no control and should be able to trust them to mention it only if it becomes a problem, like if the guy was making her feel uncomfortable or something. Good luck on the date tonight!
Trucks23 Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 Exciting update--after my friend told her that he was going to let me have her (for lack of a better term) neither one of us has heard from her since. On to the next one haha.
CatchersRye Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 Odd...my guess is after your friend told her about you, didn't didn't want to take part in any of it. Why would he even say that? You don't do that. Well, good luck on the next one.
Trucks23 Posted August 1, 2012 Author Posted August 1, 2012 Odd...my guess is after your friend told her about you, didn't didn't want to take part in any of it. Why would he even say that? You don't do that. Well, good luck on the next one. Exactly what I (and all of our mutual friends said). I'm not sure why he did it--I think he thought he was being nice. But, I can't imagine that would be very appealing for her to get into, hence her cutting us off.
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