question for the ladies, re: your search criteria

[deejay74]

I have a question for the ladies about your search criteria on dating sites.

 

If I don't fall within a certain search criteria, I usually skip that profile and don't even bother messaging. But what about if I fall just outside what you're looking for?

 

Would you consider me or would you just ignore me? For example:

 

I'm biracial (asian/white) so when you say you're searching for white/caucasian only, should I not even bother messaging you?

If you're searching for men between the ages of 28 - 36, would you ignore me because I'm 37?

I'm 5'10", but what if your minimum height requirement is 5'11"?

I don't have a degree, but I consider myself intelligent. I have an AAS and dropped out of NYU (not an easy school to get into) because I couldn't afford it. If you're looking for someone with a bachelor's degree, am I an option?

 

You get the idea. I just want to know if I would be wasting our time if I messaged anyone if I fall just outside of their criteria.

 

Thanks.

[pippy longstocking]

all the examples you gave are what I see as a possible extention of said criteria so wouldn't be a deal breaker.

 

worth a shot at at any rate dj

[pippy longstocking]

I'm biracial (asian/white) so when you say you're searching for white/caucasian only, should I not even bother messaging you?

 

am I allowed to say the next bit without causing havoc and offense ..

 

here goes ..she says ducking under the chair

 

if your an asian colour would it be a no because they only want white as in colour white ...ahhhh

 

does that make sense ..

[tattoobunnie]

Relax...

 

Why would you even want a girl who was inflexible, and only concerned with what looked good on paper. Don't worry about rejection when they haven't even met you yet. Contact people you may have interest in, and see how it goes. And keep in mind, what people right may or may not be 100% true, and even then, just like dating, no one gives it all away (all their details) on the first couple of dates. Online dating is no different than meeting in person. Sure, you have some info, and you get to pre-scan, but not really. People know it's just a platform to meet people. Cuz how you are in emails can be different then how you are on the phone and in person to three months later.

[deejay74]

am I allowed to say the next bit without causing havoc and offense ..

 

here goes ..she says ducking under the chair

 

if your an asian colour would it be a no because they only want white as in colour white ...ahhhh

 

does that make sense ..

 

lol! it does make sense. I don't know what "color" I am. People have said I'm a little "pastey", so what does that say??

[Roxie84]

As someone who has a very strict "screening process" for my online dates, I thought I would offer my two cents.

 

First, to answer your question, most women are willing to make certain sacrafices. For example, I want someone with an accomplished educational backgroud. I get a message from a man (such as yourself) where he is articulte, uses proper grammar, and demonstrates that he is intelligent and proud of his education and has a promising career, then I would definitely respond.

 

Being on a similar level with regards to careers and intelligence is key. But if a woman is reasonable, she will see that you make up for it by meeting all of her other criteria.

 

Myself, I pay greater attention to:

 

1. Proper grammar

2. Their age criteria (if he 35 and accepting messages from 18 year old females, I run fast)

3. Parental status (I really preper not to date single parents, but there are till some acceptions)

4. His education is greater than "some high school", but even then, I make acceptions if he has a good career such as myself.

 

I could go on, but you get the idea

[pippy longstocking]

lol! it does make sense. I don't know what "color" I am. People have said I'm a little "pastey", so what does that say??

 

 

 

well then dj you need to be looking for girls who have

 

"love a pastey looking guy" on their profiles

[deejay74]

Relax...

 

Why would you even want a girl who was inflexible, and only concerned with what looked good on paper. Don't worry about rejection when they haven't even met you yet. Contact people you may have interest in, and see how it goes. And keep in mind, what people right may or may not be 100% true, and even then, just like dating, no one gives it all away (all their details) on the first couple of dates. Online dating is no different than meeting in person. Sure, you have some info, and you get to pre-scan, but not really. People know it's just a platform to meet people. Cuz how you are in emails can be different then how you are on the phone and in person to three months later.

 

thanks for your response. first of all, i am relaxed. and i hear what you are saying. thanks again for your advice.

 

guessing by your handle, i'm guessing you're female. if so, you do realize men have to message probably about 5 times the amount of messages women have to send out? from what i've heard from my female friends who are on online dating sites, they get inundated with messages. that being said, i would not want to waste my time.

[pippy longstocking]

thanks for your response. first of all, i am relaxed. and i hear what you are saying. thanks again for your advice.

 

guessing by your handle, i'm guessing you're female. if so, you do realize men have to message probably about 5 times the amount of messages women have to send out? from what i've heard from my female friends who are on online dating sites, they get inundated with messages. that being said, i would not want to waste my time.

 

oh dj for us its like taking candy off a baby ..

 

I was on but just to use the forum ...so on my profile I had something like

 

 

I am a glue sniffing , paranoid stalker ..

 

as my intro

 

I was inundated

 

roxie you would hate everyone I know

[laura-j]

I had to pull down my profile because I was getting lots of creepy messages from guys old enough to be my dad or young enough to be my son. We are harassed a lot for the most part. Totally rude messages about sex etc.

 

For me it was always about what they said in there profile. I tend to like whiteys but if a nice guy that I thought was fairly cute of any race said some good stuff I wouldn't discount them.

 

A lot of the dudes lie about their height, making them 3-4 inches taller. Since I'm 5'7" if someone says they are my height and they meet me and they come up to my ear, that's annoying. So as long as you are honest it shouldn't be a problem if you are an inch or two shorter. I think everyone says they want someone about 6'0"... and anyone that that was a deal breaker is not worth your time.

 

I'm also huge on the grammar thing, my god it is a first impression. If the guy can't use your/you're properly that is the biggest deal breaker for me.

[tattoobunnie]

thanks for your response. first of all, i am relaxed. and i hear what you are saying. thanks again for your advice.

 

guessing by your handle, i'm guessing you're female. if so, you do realize men have to message probably about 5 times the amount of messages women have to send out? from what i've heard from my female friends who are on online dating sites, they get inundated with messages. that being said, i would not want to waste my time.

 

You're only wasting your time if you are messaging people you aren't that interested in. Just like dating, it's a numbers game...except, you get to look in your pajamas. Also, women get hammered with messages when they first sign up. After that, just it levels out. So, don't let the thought of women getting lame emails discourage you. The good ones always right back to the ones who look like they would make the effort. And the insecure ones right back to everyone that contacts them.

 

And PS...some of the most beautiful people are Amer-Asian...I just gave birth to one myself, and born with a full head of hair, he is totally cute...and I mean, get stopped by people every 10 seconds cute.

[deejay74]

You're only wasting your time if you are messaging people you aren't that interested in. Just like dating, it's a numbers game...except, you get to look in your pajamas. Also, women get hammered with messages when they first sign up. After that, just it levels out. So, don't let the thought of women getting lame emails discourage you. The good ones always right back to the ones who look like they would make the effort. And the insecure ones right back to everyone that contacts them.

 

And PS...some of the most beautiful people are Amer-Asian...I just gave birth to one myself, and born with a full head of hair, he is totally cute...and I mean, get stopped by people every 10 seconds cute.

 

thanks for that bit of info. i wasn't aware that it levels out after some time. good to know.

 

well, i would like to think that i am not bad-looking.

 

congrats with your newborn! are you asian? just curious.

[tattoobunnie]

Yes, I am, and my hubby is total white dude.

[deejay74]

oh, one more thing i forgot and this may be slightly off topic.

 

i'm a cancer survivor. should i mention that in my profile? is that a turn-off or concern for women?

 

thanks again.

[pippy longstocking]

oh, one more thing i forgot and this may be slightly off topic.

 

i'm a cancer survivor. should i mention that in my profile? is that a turn-off or concern for women?

 

thanks again.

 

my friend is also a suvivor ( fab dj ) but he has got fibro mialga (sp) and he had both in his profile , he decided

to remove both in the end as he felt it was something that he would choose to tell with the right person.

[superfox]

oh, one more thing i forgot and this may be slightly off topic.

 

i'm a cancer survivor. should i mention that in my profile? is that a turn-off or concern for women?

 

thanks again.

No, don't mention it, it's not who you are it's just something you've been through. Hope you're healthy now

 

As for the original question, I first dated through sites an asian guy, a guy shorter than me, a guy 11 years younger than me etc, when i specified 6', white and within my age range! I'd go by their personalities in their emails rather than the wrong boxes ticked.

 

As for me now, I found my soulmate. I was a year out of his age range, had children and lived miles away. We are perfect together!

[deejay74]

Thanks shooting star and superfox. i had it listed in one of my online profiles but i think i am going to take it off now.

 

another question for you ladies, if you don't mind...

 

i'm on match and the other day i received a nice response from a woman i messaged earlier. she responded the same day i sent her the message. i could tell she read my profile and asked me questions about me and answered the questions i asked in my initial email. i responded pretty much right away when i received the message because i had gotten it while i was logged in at that time. i answered most of her questions and at the end, i gave her my email address and said i would love to continue communicating with her but asked her if she minded if we did through email instead. i gave her my email but also said it's cool if she didn't want to.

 

i haven't heard from her since. she didn't log in for 3 days and then she logged in yesterday. today is the 4th day since my last response. i'm beginning to think she's lost interest.

 

so, my question is: did i respond too quickly? she responded the same day to my message?

 

people often tell me to do what i feel is right and i did, but i wonder if it was the wrong thing to do. also, one of the last things i've said in my profile was that if i respond fairly quickly to messages it's not because i'm desperate, it's because i don't play dating games.

 

thanks again.

[laura40]

Hey,

 

If a guy had sent me his email address on the 2nd message, I probably wouldn't email him, mostly down to safety issues. Or if I really wanted to chat to the guy, I'd ask if it was okay to send messages via the website for a while before it switched to email.

 

It wouldn't put me off, but I am quite concerned about safety online so I'm probably just being paranoid.

 

That's my 2 cents anyway.

[deejay74]

Hey,

 

If a guy had sent me his email address on the 2nd message, I probably wouldn't email him, mostly down to safety issues. Or if I really wanted to chat to the guy, I'd ask if it was okay to send messages via the website for a while before it switched to email.

 

It wouldn't put me off, but I am quite concerned about safety online so I'm probably just being paranoid.

 

That's my 2 cents anyway.

 

well in my message that had my email address i did say it's cool if she didn't want to email me.

i gave her my email address and said i would love to continue communicating with her but asked her if she minded if we did through email instead. i gave her my email but also said it's cool if she didn't want to.

 

i guess that doesn't matter?

 

thanks for your 2 cents.

[tattoobunnie]

one of the last things i've said in my profile was that if i respond fairly quickly to messages it's not because i'm desperate, it's because i don't play dating games.

 

OMG...get rid of that line. Whenever a person brings up, "I don't play games," it translates as, yes, I play games. And you don't need to explain that you respond promptly...that makes you sound insecure. These people don't know you, so don't apologize for things when you haven't done anything wrong....cuz now you're saying to those that respond quickly that if they do, they will come off as desperate.

[deejay74]

ah, ok. line gone.

 

thanks for all your advice, everyone. i really appreciate it.

 

well i guess i kind of screwed this one up. *shrugs*

 

i really hate dating, both on and off line. just thought i'd put that out there.

 

i can see how the "mess ups" i just did could come off the wrong way but my intent was the opposite. this is where the dating "games" really frustrate me. i just want to be myself and by doing just that, i put off some women.

[tattoobunnie]

Well...you gotta not think of dating as a chore, or it will turn into one. Like even when I go out with a bozo, I've had so much fun...well, cuz I make it fun. And you didn't screw anything up. Slow and steady wins the race. If she didn't write back, don't worry about it. She could be working, busy, etc. And wait until the third email exchange to give your email (you need to also make sure they aren't crazy first)...don't put too much pressure on things. And don't write in next time, "you don't have to email"...that sends a mixed message.

 

Good luck, and stay positive.

[deejay74]

Well...you gotta not think of dating as a chore, or it will turn into one. Like even when I go out with a bozo, I've had so much fun...well, cuz I make it fun. And you didn't screw anything up. Slow and steady wins the race. If she didn't write back, don't worry about it. She could be working, busy, etc. And wait until the third email exchange to give your email (you need to also make sure they aren't crazy first)...don't put too much pressure on things. And don't write in next time, "you don't have to email"...that sends a mixed message.

 

Good luck, and stay positive.

 

i'm trying hard not to let it become a chore, but i find it's almost like looking for a job online! lol!

 

everyone's advice is good stuff. thanks again. maybe some others can get some usefulness out of this thread.

 

i'll keep posting more questions as they come, if you all don't mind.

[Ms Darcy]

I think people will be flexible about certain things but not about others. For example, they may be flexible about the age but not flexible about you not having a college degree. It depends on the person.

[becomingkate]

I was on four dating sites for about 18 months, and perused over 3,000 profiles. I averaged 30-40 emails a day from men of all ages and nationalities, and over the course of 18 months I added almost 40 of them to MSN messenger (one or two at a time, many of those were blocked and deleted the same day for inappropriate requests!)

Of the 40 I added to messenger, only three made the final cut (one in the States, one in Calgary and one in Ireland) The one in Calgary was only 80 miles from me and we met three days after exchanging emails.

We went out for dinner (he was shorter than I expected, but so polite and interesting!) and three years later, we married. Our fifth wedding anniversary is next month.

My point is, it TRULY is a numbers game, as one of the posters already pointed out. You sound like a nice guy, I hope you find what you're looking for.