The Same Book but Different Pages

[littleL_RN]

We're reading the same book; we're just on different pages.

 

This is something I've said to my boyfriend, and it has been a recurring fear of mine since he and I started dating. The cold hard facts are these:

 

- Next month, we will have been together for a year

- I'm two and half years older than him

- I'm a nurse; he's a musician. Our schedules are largely incomparable.

- He's the love of my life

 

In the past few months, we have had long discussions about our future. He stays he can't wait to move our relationship to the next level. I would be ready to marry him tomorrow. I know he loves me, but I'm terrified that he's not really in the same place as I am.

 

The truth is we revisit certain issues about his schedule, and this past week has been a particularly rough one. He typically has paying gigs every weekend, and I am totally cool with that. He loves what he does, and he's making his own way. But there are odd days that he doesn't have a job to attend to, and he works on other musical projects.

 

Yesterday, for instance, he was helping his friend hold auditions for a drummer. He expressed that his friend booked studio auditions from 12-5, but he felt it was unnecessary to go that long, so he would talk to him about cutting it down. Well, that didn't happen. As a result, we had to miss brunch for his father's birthday, and I found alternate plans until he finished. Between loading gear, commuting, unloading gear, that puts him at my place around 7.

 

I know it sounds selfish, but I told him I was bummed that he ditched family time and that I get the tail end of the day when it's not necessary. I am at peace with being the one waiting on him and planning outings around his schedule, because that's show biz. But the 10% of the time when it's not, I'd like him to take the reigns.

 

As part of our future talk, he also mentions how he's been heavily considering going to work at his father's company, just because it's so much more stable both financially and schedule-wise. But he adds that if he does that, he would probably not pick up the guitar again. That totally disheartened me, because music is such a big part of his livelihood. So, of course, I try to remain unbiased and tell him he needs to do what makes him happy.

 

Even though he swears it isn't true, I can't help but feel like so many parts of being with me could sway his decisions. He may feel pressured to settle down because I'm older and in that place. He has to address schedule issues because it's not just his typical casual flings where he sees the girl whenever. He has to consider changing career paths because it's the "right thing to do."

 

I feel his love, and I know he never does anything to hurt me. And it's obvious he considers things in a serious way. But I've come to find that sometimes his actions still show that he has trouble remembering to put us first every once in a while. Of course, in my head, that just trickles down to how it would be for us with a family in tow.

 

How do I know that he's truly ready for everything I am?

 

I apologize for rambling in a stream-of-consciousness way. ENA is just such a great outlet for me and I get so much valuable feedback.

[Angel Irulan]

It sounds like you crave stability while he is completely fine with the arts life. I've seen that work at a higher level than you (doctor wife, artist husband) but you have to be comfortable with it and you aren't. My guess is that one or the other is going to compromise and wind up hating whoever *won* in this situation. Read: there are no winners here. If your zeniths and nadirs in life aren't similar that is trouble, down the road. My take is that this is the guy to date while you are young but not marry. He'd have to genuinely change and you already feel guilty over thinking you must ask him that to be happy.

 

We all must accept or reject people on the basis of who they are, not who we want them to be.

 

Angel

[pl3asehelp]

I think instead of giving him unbiased advice, you should be telling him how YOU feel since it's you that he loves and is in a relationship with. Basically now he has a job that makes him happy, but may not be aware that his relationship is suffering - if he knew that, he might not be so happy with his career. That's for him to decide. At least by telling him how you feel, he can make his own choice. I think most people are used to making compromises in life and that includes in their career choice. I play a few instruments and would love a career as a musician, but I know what I'd have to give up to get that and it's not a trade I'm willing to make.

[littleL_RN]

Angel, I definitely thought at first that it was stability that I craved, a typical 9-to-5 setup. But honestly, that wasn't the case. Once my boyfriend started giving me access to his online calendar, mostly all my anxiety about his erratic schedule went away. What concerns me is when he's not booked for a concrete job, he still has a whimsical way about floating through the day. If I don't give him a set itinerary, he'll think to go work on music before he thinks to spend time with me or family. I'm sure you're right that it coincides with the arts lifestyle.

 

Pl3ase, that's also very good insight. And funny enough, he said just yesterday, "I'd rather lose my hands and be with you than compose a song about losing the woman I love because I picked music." He definitely seems willing to bend. But at the same time, shouldn't he be making that decision on his own accord? I want him to be happy, and I definitely don't want to be resented eventually for pushing him in a certain direction.

[pl3asehelp]

I don't think you should think of it as pushing. You know what you need to be happy. As long as you communicate that to him, he can make up his own mind and he'll own that decision 100%. If he quits music because you can't be happy with a musician and then resents you for that he has nobody to blame but himself. A lot of people try to make that lifestyle work, but many (I'd say most) give it up when they find they can't support themselves or they have to sacrifice too many other things in life to have it.

[littleL_RN]

I don't think you should think of it as pushing. You know what you need to be happy. As long as you communicate that to him, he can make up his own mind and he'll own that decision 100%. If he quits music because you can't be happy with a musician and then resents you for that he has nobody to blame but himself. A lot of people try to make that lifestyle work, but many (I'd say most) give it up when they find they can't support themselves or they have to sacrifice too many other things in life to have it.

 

What you're saying really coincides with a lot of things my boyfriend has mentioned. He's been able to support himself without living in poverty for a few years, but I think his sights have shifted in terms of being able to handle the next step or a family and the living needs/expenses that come with one (i.e. an engagement, bigger home, higher bills, etc).

 

I'm not terribly concerned with finances, because I don't plan on staying home and appointing him bread-winner; I see it as more of a team effort. But I do get worried about his overall presence, and I'm trying and will continue to try my best to communicate that.

 

Thanks so much for your insight!