Did my Ex break me? Or is this an attraction issue?

[jchstar]

I had 3 relationships in the past that were all with guys i felt an instant attraction to whom i wanted to kiss right away..but were all very unhealthy for me (they did drugs, disrespected me, used me, etc) and based pretty much solely on physical attraction and other superficial things. Each and every time i got my heart crushed in a million pieces when i finally came back down and realized that they weren't going to change and it wouldn't work or they didn't care like i did.

 

My last relationship was a bad break up...6 months ago now. I have kept NC these past 4 months of the 6and i am going on dates with new guys but i don't feel this instant attraction with any of them. They aren't my usual type physically and conversation doesn't flow as easy as I'm used too, i feel happy but not giddy. Not like excited to see them and when it comes to the first kiss...i put it off and always feel really anxious...like a sad anxious not a happy one.

 

Now i have only had 2 guys out of all the guys i have went on dates with get 2nd or 3rd dates and at that point is when i tend to start wondering why i don't feel giddy, why i dread the kiss and not look forward to it.

 

You see, i was attracted to both these guys (kind of), they were okay. met the qualifications etc...but didn't make me feel like "falling in love, or having a crush" used to make me feel. I feel mehhh about it. not how i used to feel.

 

Am i broken? Did my ex break me? Or is it that im dating different types of guys whom i am not super attracted to and thus don't' like them? Should i presue a relationship with a guy that doesn't make me feel all giddy? Does this happen right away for everyone or does it take a while sometimes? Will that come with time in a healthy relationship or is this just a bad idea to continue if i dont' feel it now?

 

Thoughts would be helpful.

[LoveHurts89]

You're just not over your ex yet. It's as simple as that. You're close, cause you're able to go on dates. It may be that you're over them as a person, but not over the way they disrespected you so you've got a guard up. Go on dates for fu. Not to look for a relationship. Make new friends and open new doors, and a new, exciting love will catch you when yoh least expect it xxx

[Sportster2005]

Sometimes the line between lust and attraction can get blurred. It's real easy to like someone that turns us on. It's even easier to confuse these feelings. We often assign feelings of lust to something else. We don't want to believe we are just in it for the sex. So we tell ourselves they make our heart go pitter patter.

 

You're question is a very good one. I don't think anything can happen without some attraction. On the other hand if we are looking for that giddy feeling it can be infatuation and/or lust. If we don't give people a chance attraction and deeper feelings can't grow. I've read and heard accounts where some people don't feel a strong attraction at first, but it grows in time. I've heard the opposite. Some people claim without giddy swooning feeling nothing is likely to happen.

 

I do know I've confused lust and attraction. Attraction is more lasting and on a deeper level than just wanting intimacy. I've rarely gone on to find someone attractive that I didn't find an immediate attraction to.

 

You're ex didn't break you. You're not broken, just human.

 

Probably doesn't provide the answers you're looking for. I don't know if there is one correct answer. The range of people and circumstances is just too vast to come to a conclusive answer.

[Leona700]

I am there myself. I believe once you open up to certain people and you have a strong conection or even fall in love its hard to do again. The advice I would give you is please dont go on dates with guys you know you dont like. Dont convince yourself that you like them. After heartache I think its time to work on yourself. Everyone is looking for love because it gets loneley. However if you are not feeling happy on your own its hard to attrack the "right" guy. I dated guys that did "drugs as well and disrespected me and used me". Looking back now I can only say this--i allowed it. I accepted it, and then when of course it all went wrong i felt sorry for myself. I think sometimes we need to work on our CONFIDENCE to get what we want. We are afraid to go for the guy that has all the right qualities because if they reject us it is a deeper pain to our self-worth. This way you can say well he was a drug addict and disrespectful so of course it didnt work out. But if things dont work out with a good catch we have no excuse---leading to the validation "proof" that we are not worth that much. So the bottom line is that you attrack all types of men, but what you measure yourself next to is up to you. Stop focusing on the right or wrong guy and focuse on how to build your inner self worth. Everything else will fall in its place.

[Avila]

A lot of the time the people we attract are a reflection our ourselves. That doesn't mean you do drugs, lol! but that maybe you have low self- worth and as Leona700 so eloquently said, you 'allowed' it to happen. Take some time to work on you. Discover how wonderful YOU are and the right one will come along I think it's very important for those of us who are heart broken to take time for ourselves to heal, otherwise we become heart breakers.