Need the Strength to Follow Thru - Saw Attorney Thursday

[RootsAndWings]

We have been together for 7 years. He has two boys full-time (now 11 and 17), I have a daughter (now 15). He proposed to me in 2005, a year after we started dating. Also, a week after my father was diagnosed with cancer out of nowhere at 57. Anyway, 3 months after we were engaged, my daughter and I moved in with him and his sons. Two months later my father passed away. Six months later my grandfather passed away and 4 months later my grandmother passed away. That was a hard year. We planned a Nov 2007 wedding and now it was July 2007 and we were planning a trip down south with the kids. The truck was packed and we were all ready, just waiting on him to get out of the shower. That's when I heard his work cell phone beep. Curiosity got to me, I looked at it, and there were two text messages "Hi Baby" "Did you forget about me already". I closed the phone, turned it off and put it in my purse. My mind was spinning, we were going to be in the truck for the next 13 hours and I couldn't say anything. I drove the whole way, nonstop, my mind was racing. He would say "Let's switch, you need a break" I would just shake my head and say "i'm good". Anyway, that was the longest and hardest trip ever. Once we got there it was late, but I couldn't sleep. The next morning I called the number and a girl answered so to make a long story short, she admitted they'd been seeing, texting etc for a few months, and had had sex for the first and only time, 3 days ago. I immediately slapped him accross the face, told him what I knew. Then the guilt set in... had I been so consumed with all the deaths in my family that I had somehow neglected him and I deserved this? I went to counseling. Alone. The therapist said "Absolutely not, and Absolutely do not marry him". I married him anyway...he begged and cried for me to give him another chance and that he would "spend the rest of his life making it up to me"..

2008 was pretty non-eventful. Everyone settled into things. However, he is the kind of man who calls out everything that is wrong, and doesn't praise what is right. I began to feel like a single mom of three kids. His boys and I are very close. Their real mother walked our on my husband while he was at work one day and the boys were 1 and 7. Noone has seen her since. So I'm all they know. My daughter is still in contact with her father, so very different situations.

2009 was about the same. We argue alot, don't see eye to eye on the kids, family, sex life, anything. I begin to realize more and more just how truly different we are. But I push through. I actually thought I was in love with someone else at one point, but in hindsight realized it was just because I was so lonely. I tried harder. I would try to talk about the problems and how I felt disconnected, I didn't want us to fall apart. Every attempt always ended in an argument about something with the kids. I treated my daughter differently (not true); he even called her a "Mother f'n bit%h" one day, when she was 14 (about a year and a half or so ago) and his oldest son (then 16) got in HIS face and said "What kind of parent talks to their kids that way.. What is wrong with you). His oldest son and my daughter are very close. He will be a senior this year, and she a junior. They have the same circle of friends, have each others backs and truly look at one another as blood siblings. It's actually amazing and makes my heart smile.

In Oct 2010 (a year and a half ago) I had a suspision something was up... It was a saturday and he was working, and I called my mom. I was talking to her about it while I was cleaning my bedroom. I told her "he seems to be picking fights with me all the time for no reason..somethings not right". That's when I found a receipt from 7-11 for some Prepaid Phone minutes. It was then I realized that he must have purchased a prepaid phone to talk to "someone". When he got home I confronted him, he caved, I made him give me the phone. They had just finished texting literally when he was in our driveway. They were raunchy sexting texts. I wanted to just throw up. I called her. She admitted that they had seen each other a few times when she got off work (she was a 24 year old single mom, teller at OUR BANK, who lived at home with her parents); she said they'd only made out and everything was above the waist. I just wanted to throw up. She apologized etc etc. I was done with her so I hung up. I should have left then, but somehow I found a way to forgive him and move on.

Well, the truth is everyone, I never moved on. I tried to build up our sex life, didn't work. Tried to not argue, didn't work. He's so jealous of my daughter and I's relationship that it's scarey. His oldest son came to me 6 months ago and said "If you leave my dad I'm going with you". I told him "If I leave your dad, just know that I am NOT leaving you and your brother. My home will always be your home".

Current State: We haven't had sex in a year. I am the first out the door in the morning and the last one home. If the teenagers haven't done the dishes or whatever, best believe he's not. I get up first, let the dog out, fold laundry, get the kids up, make the coffee and then get ready for work. He... wakes up, gets a cup of coffee and heads to the downstairs bathroom for an hour. I make the bed before I leave. I run the kids everywhere, I got to kids events (sometimes he comes, sometimes not), I do 99% of the cooking, 100% of the laundry for 5 of us everyday, for the past 6 years, I clean the house. And when I go to the nailshop I'm critisized for taking time away from the family. He always has a project he's working on downstairs, for hours. The kids and I eat alone most nights.

We live in his home. I own two properties down south (prior to marriage). The past 5 months I've seriously accepted this is not the life I want and have started planning next steps. I've talked in depth to my mother, a few close friends. They all agree. Plus my daughter is miserable. I do NOT want her to think that this is normal or acceptable. I do NOT want the boys to think that either. Four months ago I started going to the gym. I got about 4 nights a week and on saturday mornings, for 2 hours or so each time. This was not because I was out of shape, just needed something to do to keep me busy. Most nights he's downstairs doing his thing and the kids were doing theirs, so I was left feeling alone and cleaning etc. I decided that I needed an outlet, and what better way than zumba and body combat classes

Anyway, I told him two weeks ago that we needed to just accept that the relationship had run it's course and move on before we end up hating each other. He got defensive and started saying things like "Half of your 401k is mine, half of your properties are mine, etc etc". I said "Whatever". Then the next morning he apologized for what he'd said and said that he was only upset, he didn't mean it, etc. I went and had a consultation with an attoryney on thursday. She informed me that No, he gets none of that. She just emailed me all the paperwork and I plan to fill it out this week and send her my retainer. He doesn't know.

I'm so sad. I feel like I'm going to throw up every moment I think about this. Am I making the right decision. Yes, I know I am. But it's so hard. My daughter tells me I think too much. My brother tells me I'm just his trophy wife and maid and I need to move on and find a man who will love and respect my daughter and I. My mother says she just wants to see me happy.

I've been reading the bible and listening to sermons, I want positive energy in my life.

I talked to my director at work (i work for a Top 50 company) and I earn a great salary and benefits. I asked her if it were possible for me to telework 100%, becuase right now I telework two days a week. I explained the situation to her and she is very supportive and is going to talk to HR. I should know this week. So, if that is possible, I want to take my daughter and move back down south into our home there. I want to have time with her, real time, becuase she will be off to college in two years and then it's over. There's so much we haven't done together becuase of my decision the past seven. I want this for her and me.

Last night he said to me "Why don't we find somethng to do tomorrow, together. I want this to work. I don't want to give up. I think we both did the past year". I didn't really say much.

Lastly, there is a personal reason I also feel we need to part ways.... and here it goes... I can't get past the infidelities in my head. I sit at my office and I'm in meetings and my head spins wondering what he's doing. He is in the service industry and is in and out of peoples homes all day. I've looked at his cell phone records numerous times a week, I've paid hundreds of dollars on US Search websites to cross reference numbers I didn't know; that is just pathetic and I don't want to live like that anymore. That is something he can not fix. I don't want my heart to get hardened. I believe in love and that there is someone for each of us that we are compatible with.

Thoughts?

[Angel Irulan]

You married a NOVA player. With them it's always about the game. I take it you're not from Northern VA? Neither was I. I learned quickly what that type is all about and how unmarryable they are over the long term. For everything you've caught him for there could be a dozen incidents you didn't. It's called duping delight. Your SO is possibly a sociopath. Has he ever hit you? Does he drink too much? I would take my daughter and get out now. You realize how suspicious it is that no one has seen the mother of the two boys since she left? Suppose he murdered her? And hid the body? And no one went searching for her? Not even her family? This is a worst case scenario guy, worse than your average NOVA player, IT IS THE MISSING EX THAT MAKES IT SO! Call an attorney, ask him the best way to leave alive.

 

Angel

[Messiah]

He is not worthy of you. It's really kind of a shame that an awful guy like him wound up with such a wonderful and dedicated woman. Don't let that continue! It sounds like you are a catch, and any nice guy would be happy to have you. You sound like a great mother, and a great step mother. I'm sure in the back of his head even though he's into other women, he's going to raise hell to keep you, knowing all the benefits you bring and what a great mom you are. But look at the bright side about how at least you have an out. You've got a great job and even have property that you can move to. Do you know how many women, maybe housewives, are just left feeling trapped? You're 100% on the right track. You even go to the gym and empower yourself through exercise and read the bible for spiritual growth. You're a strong woman, and although this situation sucks, you can definitely go through with it. Good luck and stay strong!

[bulletproof]

Are you serious? Nowhere in her post does it sound like she is in any physical danger. Also, saying that he is probably a sociopath is completely irresponsible. And suggesting that he murdered his first wife is just over the top.

 

If I was from Northern Virginia, I would be very offended by your generalizations.

[RootsAndWings]

the ex is alive, he is not a sociopath, he has never been physical, and it's all just so sad. We just talked for a while... he feels i have not contributed to the household as much as I should have over the years, that I'm too easy with the kids, and in many ways he is right. he wants to work through any issues, not give up, and make this work. I told him I don't want him to ever think that I have in any way taken advantage because I do love him but I just know that we will continue to have issues, because the issues we have are at our core... We agreed to just talk more tomorrow.

I feel like throwing up right now... I can't help but wonder if leaving is the right decision, wrong decision, will I regret it... biggest mistake ever... or find love again.... it's all a mess.... I will be 42 this month, he will be 38 in December.. He said tonight, "All I want is to do the right thing in my life from now on and to everyone in it".... I actually believe him. Maybe it's me that's just wrong but I feel like we will cross this road again and I love him too much to want to one day have us hate each other≥..... Does anyone know the feeling I'm talking about in my stomach and throat... it's the worst ever

[Sapientia]

Calling him a sociopath may be hyperbole, but he has demonstrated he has no respect for you. You gave him his one chance, he squandered it. Time to pay the piper. If you forgive him now without any serious commitment on his part to improve, you may as well stamp Doormat on your forehead.

 

Breaking up and moving out is certainly what you need to do. He needs to really internalize what he has done, what his choices have cost him. Don't plead with him or make excuses. As I said, you gave him his freebie, many wouldn't have tolerated that much. Just stay cool, detach and know you deserve better. If he can turn it around in 6 months, perhaps he can win the right to try to woo you back. But if you cave any sooner, you are in for a life of misery.

 

Yes, I know what you are feeling. I tolerated the equivalent of an emotionally abusive narcissist for years when I should have moved on. People give you the respect you demand. This situation is far beyond words. he needs to get individual counselling, possibly for sexual addiction. Eventually couples counselling for him to make amends to you for breaking your trust. Demand it, but at a distance (i.e. leave). If he won't do this, then you know he doesn't truly feel his actions were wrong. In this case, you have lost nothing. Let his selfishness become someone else's problem.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Best,

Sapi

[abitbroken]

I would go to counseling first...for you. You can still leave - but I would almost try to see if you can move out NEARBY first - get an apartment, etc - this way you are not completely uprooting your daughter, etc, if she likes the school she goes to and is doing well. She also loves her step brothers and you would be taking her from them, too. It will also prevent the situation from dropping out of the boys lives just like that.

 

Also, it is really hard for things to turn out exactly how you want when you go to another state as far as the division of property, etc. He could say that you abandoned the marriage if you went to another state. I would stay nearby temporarily - establish an apartment and separate - and if the settlement worked that way and you both bought the house that you live in maybe the buying you out would give you what you need for a small condo you can flip when your daughter graduates or even in a year/rent it out for awhile. This way also, if you find telecommuting doesn't work for you, you will still have your job until you can find something down south.

[RootsAndWings]

Thanks... I actually made a decision in the last week to NOT move to the other state. I will keep us here so that my daughter can finish highschool her last two years with all her friends etc. He really is trying and wants things to work, however i know that we have issues at our core which counseling has not and will not change. I also feel like if I leave I could be ruining my life. That's pathetic I know, just being honest. I've been so overwhelmed the past month I can't focus. I have a very good friend in the state i'm from and he is just a friend, but we talk for hours every day.. One may say, well if you spend hours on the phone with another man then clearly you're not going to give your relationship a real shot. I see that, but counter.... I did try, he didn't pay attention to me... so now i'm supposed to just want everything to work becuase he does? I know in my heart that our foundational issues will never be resolved. He just blew up on me today about how i love my daughter more than i love him, i had my boobs done for me, not him, the list goes on and on.

i'm so tired. when i talk to my friend, who by the way is really just a friend, we went to highschool together, lost touch and found each other on facebook through some mutual friends about 4 1/2 months ago, but it feels good to talk to him, he makes me laugh, and smile, and think, and he makes me want to be better spiritually, physically and mentally. I saw this friend last month when I flew back home (alone) for a week to see friends and clear my head, check on my properties etc. We spent time together while I was there and he didn't cross the line not once. He is very religious about all things in a relationship and trust and honesty are so important to him. Clearly there is an attraction we have for one another, and distance hasn't changed that. Also, when we saw each other that week, I was staying with one of my girlfriends, but one night I got a hotel on the beach... he came by and we sat at the kitchen counter on stools and talked for 4 hours, we eventually made our way to the couch and talked/laughed another hour or so and then he politely said he needed to get going. I asked him to stay, there was another bedroom. He said to me "If you were not married, I would stay in a heartbeat, but I can not do that, and another reason I can not is because I believe that you are headed for a divorce, and at no time do I want you to have to put yourself through any emotional setback becasue I stayed the night with you. You need to be of clear conscious, you owe that to yourself". I think I fell in love with him when he said that. And every single day we talk, morning and night. I also told him that my daughter is more important than my uprooting her to be remote and have the time and that I am staying up here. He said that I am an awesome mother for putting her first. He's just basically given me a glimmer of hope that there are men out there who won't be like what i've dealt with. Again, I know it's wrong to be engaging in all these conversatons, but I honestly can't imagine not talking to him everyday, even if we are hundreds of miles away.... thoughts?