Please help with jealousy issue!

[rebecca1985]

Hey, I am hoping someone can help me gain some perspective/give me some insights with a jealousy issue. I had an affair with my current partner. I am not proud of how we got together, and it was a messy time, but my life is now beginning to feel normal again. His ex-wife is marrying someone else, and I am living with him. Generally, I am pretty happy with our relationship. He is loving and affectionate towards me, respectful, and treats me very well. However, my issues stem, I think, from resentment about how things were when we were having an affair. He did not treat me so well then. I, being naive and young, put up with things that I wish I had been strong enough to walk away from, but I didn't have enough willpower or self-respect, and it was at a time in my life when I was feeling very low and made bad decisions (around this time I found out that my dad had been having an affair and had children with another women, this sent me a little bit mad).

 

I hated being a mistress. I felt shameful and trapped. He was depressed because of his failing relationship and I don’t think he had the capacity to think about my feelings. He didn’t treat me so well then. It drove me mad, not only the fact he had a wife, but he did other things I hated too. For example, early on in our affair he would tell me he was going to certain clubs where he knew they would be hot girls. He flirted with girls a lot, and this hurt, because as a mistress I knew I was powerless to ask him to stop. I found a photograph of a young girl who hangs out at the club he runs nights at on his computer, a picture of her in her underwear he had saved from her Facebook. I think a lot of his chasing girls was his insecurity; his wife, who had once doted on him, was no longer interested (I don’t base that on what he’s told me, but I knew his wife. On numerous occasions she told people that she no longer loved him and that she wanted him to get her pregnant and then she would leave him. She was much older than him.)

 

We seem to have overcome a lot of this crap. He has sought medical help for his depression and is having cognitive behaviour therapy. Every time he does anything that offends me now he asks me to talk to him about it, so he can try and work on it. He seems so much happier, and so much nicer, and I love him. I have always loved him, even when I thought he was cruel, but I love him so much more now and feel closer to him. But I have awful jealous outbursts and feel so resentful sometimes. Last night we had such a lovely time at a 1920s party and then on the way home he offered to give a lift back to the girl (the girl whose photo he had on his computer) and I freaked out. I shouted all kinds of awful things at him. I hate feeling so jealous, it makes me feel like a terrible person. This girl is really nice, but every time I see her I am reminded of how he used to be, and the awful situation I was in as a mistress, and I get so stroppy and resentful. He thinks I am overreacting. I don’t know whether I am being irrational, or whether some of my jealousy is justified. I don’t know what to do to overcome it.

[nutbrownhare]

Your problems stem from dwelling on how things used to be, and not how they are now. All the resentment you are still carrying from the past - even though you colluded with it - is bubbling up now, because you've actually 'got' him and are no longer putting your energy into being a mistress.

 

Also, it's not at all unusual for people - both sexes - to pursue affairs with married people and then, when the married person becomes available - the chemistry in the relationship changes and they split up. A split often initiated by the 'mistress' or man in the equivalent role. You carried on being loyal to him when he was being cruel to you, but seem to be struggling now he's doing his best to create a good relationship for you both.

 

It's difficult to tell from your post here, but do you prefer to go chasing after someone you can't actually have, and are maybe a bit distrustful when things are going OK? I say this because of your description of how you sabotaged a lovely evening out with some behaviour which seems out of proportion to the situation in hand. If you got that angry about something which was actually quite an innocent gesture on his part, chances are it's really about something else. It might be worth your while exploring what that something else is, if necessary with professional help. Just stuffing your emotions won't make them go away, and carrying them into your current relationship will make things very difficult for both of you.

 

Good luck!

[rebecca1985]

Hey, thanks for the response. No, I wouldn't say I prefer chasing people to relationships. I have only ever had long-term relationships and I am happy that way. I am not distrustful of him on a day to day basis. I think I am a good girlfriend aside from this issue. I am supportive of him, I enjoy his company and we get long really, really well. We rarely argue and I think of him as a great friend as well as a lover. However, it is always when I see him talking to this one particular girl that bad memories are dragged up. When I see him talking to her it reminds me of all the behaviour that so hurt me before. I should make it clear that these jealous outbursts do not happen often - more often than not we go out together and have lovely evenings - but what worries me is not their frequency but their intensity. Then I am filled with self-loathing afterwards for being so horrible. It has happened maybe about four times in a four year period. But I'm writing now because the outburst last night felt particularly intense. My previous partner cheated on me, which I think has left me with trust issues. I have been thinking of getting counselling... maybe that's the way to go...

[nutbrownhare]

My previous partner cheated on me, which I think has left me with trust issues. I have been thinking of getting counselling... maybe that's the way to go...

 

Counselling is very useful when there's something you want to do, but are prevented from doing it by the way you're feeling. In your particular case, you would like to have a harmonious, mutually fulfilling relationship with your loving partner - but this issue is causing you a great deal of distress and is a blow to your self-esteem, and in some sense standing in your way. If I were you I'd certainly be thinking about counselling - even if only to leave past events in the past, where they belong.

[rebecca1985]

Yes, that sounds good. I will look into it. My jealousy only ever occurs in the club environment, so sometimes, if I have not been out for a while, I forget about counselling because I think I am ok. I am not the kind of girl that needs to know what he's doing all the time, or where he is, but when we are out in the club girls talk to him and I see him looking at girls, and the whole environment sometimes seems seedy to me and it depresses me. The girl he gave a lift to was the girl who he got to dance on stage whilst he dj-ed, and I do find something a bit horrible about getting an 18 year old girl to do sexy dancing on stage. Am I just being a prudish?

 

I sometimes get angry and think 'why do we always have to hang around with these drunk people and these young girls?', plus, throw in the fact that inevitably we'll have drunk a bit and will stay up until past 3am because we need to wait until everyone leaves to pack the stuff up. But he enjoys putting on music and makes money from it. I sometimes think maybe it's best that I just don't go to these club nights, but that seems unsupportive, as I know he likes having me there.

[sunnyhappydays]

Well, maybe on some level you know that when a man marries his mistress...

[nutbrownhare]

I sometimes think maybe it's best that I just don't go to these club nights, but that seems unsupportive, as I know he likes having me there.

 

If you had anything to worry about, he wouldn't want you there...