Come across too keen after two dates

[confused1979]

Hi! Well I met an amazing girl (age 30); the first date was the best I have had and after she text me saying how much fun she had. The second date was also great and she also text again saying that I am "pretty amazing". We text each other a lot and started to joke around. Anyway, I am pretty sure I did/said a couple of things that she might of perceived as being too keen. Wanted to catch up a lot, told her it is great that she is not going away anymore because it means I get to spend more time getting to know her.....

 

So, she keeps postponing dates. We have one set then she has to cancel, SHE suggests another time, then cancels (always has excuse). This went on for a couple of week, I think it has been three weeks since we last met. The final one was she suggested we catch up this weekend. SHE contacted me during the week to say hi, then again on Friday just to say hi and see how my day was going. When I asked her that night to catch up she said she couldn't but suggested coffee the next morning. I text back saying coffee sounds good, then no reply.

 

My questions are:

 

1. Why does she contact me if not interested?

2. Why would she bother rescheduling?

3. If I did come accross too keen can I fix? (without just ignoring her and hoping that works)

 

I want to say to her lets hit the reset button, sorry if I was a little too keen, too soon. I am worried this would make things worse and I would then look needy.

 

I really do like this girl, who knows if it would ever develop into a relationship but I would love the opportunity to learn from my mistakes and see if things can develop. I am open to all suggestions/advice. At this stage I am going to sweat it out and see if she contacts me but it is hard to not say something

[MikNomis]

The thing is, explaining yourself won't do much good. Her attraction level for you is what it is, and for sure it won't go up because you explained a mistake you made. However, it is possible that her attraction level can drop if you attempt to explain yourself, because of the risk of coming accross as someone with low confidence. And so I'd like to advise that you do not say anything, and instead do your best to forget any mistakes you made and just not make the same mistakes again.

 

It sounds like you're experiencing some turbulence with her coming out again. All I can say is the fact that she's still contacting you and stuff does say that she still does have some interest, and if you have another successful date you can pretty much get rid of any mistakes you made, so yeah, give her a call and after having a short fun chat try to get another date, but be specific about the date and time. If she says something like she has might have to do this or that, consider that time not good for a date and find a time when she undoubtedly is free.

[confused1979]

Thanks mate appreciate you taking the time to reply. Yeah I think it is best if I just wait and see and then just have FUN we/if we do meet. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing at all. I have no doubt she is attracted to me and I know she had fun but I really do think she thought I got ahead of myself and moved too fast. I will pump the brakes and see what happens. Fingers crossed

[LoveHurts89]

To me, it sounds like cold feet! The exact way I was after breaking up with my ex when first trying to date again. I'd want to move on, but felt guilty like I was cheating so always cancelled! Tread carefully. xx

[confused1979]

Thankyou LoveHurts She has been single for four months and that relationship was 6 months. Her previous one was 3 years. She said she is ready to meet the right guy but I think I did freak her out. She was just so much fun it was infectious

[nutbrownhare]

You're absolutely right to let her contact you. There are several possible explanations for her behaviour:

 

She's seeing someone else and hasn't told you.

 

She's newly out of a relationship and hasn't told you.

 

She's keeping you on the back burner while she plays the field.

 

At the beginning, she was feeling all enthusiastic and bubbly, then, when you responded in kind, may have thought "Uh-oh - this is moving a bit too fast...!" and then backed off a bit. She may well have frightened herself - despite having initiated things in the first place. (Don't expect this to be logical - we're talking about emotions here, and by definition they're illogical).

 

I'd give it another couple of weeks and if she hasn't contacted you and actually seen you in the flesh, then put it behind you and move on. Actions speak louder than words.

[confused1979]

Hi nutbrownhare, thanks for your reply. I met her online, so I have noticed she is still logging on etc. so I would guess she is seeing other guys. I am really thinking the back burner things is a real possibility. I think she is seeing what else is out there without breaking complete contact with me because she knows I am keen.

[annie24]

I agree with nutbrown. She sounded quite keen too until this rescheduling business started. I think she just might be dating several men right now. hang in there. keep meeting other women yourself!

[confused1979]

thanks annie, I have another date on Tuesday. At first I put all my eggs in the one basket but once she cancelled a few times I decided to continue seeing other people Yeah, i think she freaked a bit. She came to my place second date and we cuddled, watched movies etc. I am thinking she thought 3rd date might lead to something else. I really did come accross super nice, which I am learning is not good lol It will be interesting to see if she contacts me

[annie24]

my therapist thinks lots of people are just afraid of really opening themselves and making themselves vulnerable to a person, so they run.

 

good luck on your next date!

[confused1979]

Thanks

[Thorshammer]

1. Why does she contact me if not interested?

Because she can. People get lonely, lonely breeds desperation.. even selfishness. Also, people want to believe that interest can build to a point that you are worth sacrificing any other potentials, so they keep spending time with you in hopes something can build- but it doesnt mean the interest is powerful enough to throw all her cards in her hand just yet, or even at all.

 

2. Why would she bother rescheduling?

 

To not lose you. Curiosity, respect, boredom, loneliness, can have someone clinging on someone for social reasons.

 

3. If I did come accross too keen can I fix? (without just ignoring her and hoping that works)

 

I wouldnt worry so much about you, it seems you want to point the finger at yourself. Shes a potential flake, she should be asking herself why a guy like you keeps trying. I would have ignored her after her second flaking attempt. I would bet shes playing the field, or has someone she has her eye on, since she doesnt care about her flaking image with you. Canceling constantly is an automatic strike-out, thats pretty universal in the dating world, those who ignore this... usually dont care enough.

 

Follow the old advice of, "action speaks louder than words". Whatever comes out of someones mouth is pillow-talk, i tell every woman they are amazing and interesting, but its only some women that i want to see every week.

 

If you still believe you being keen is what is sapping attraction, learn to show distance after a date, and keep your responses and enthusiasm

after the date to a more average level. Basically, match her level of attention, but never go over that unless you know for sure its safe (thats been my "thing" for years now, and this is coming from a former puppy).

[nutbrownhare]

I really did come accross super nice, which I am learning is not good lol It will be interesting to see if she contacts me

 

There's a difference between being super nice and being servile and trying too hard to please. If I went on a date with someone in the early days and they weren't super nice, I wouldn't be going on another date!

[confused1979]

Thanks mate, her reasons for cancelling the first couple of times were legitimate, which is why i let it slide. She was really apologetic and keen to catch up again so i did not think too much of it. Her last reason was lame and not replying to my message (x2) was just rude.

 

I am pretty laid back when dating, I know you have to meet lots of people before you get that spark. My problem; in 32 years years there has only been a few people who have made me feel that good. I usually have fun on a date but this was crazy!! So when I get that feeling I show all my cards. Live and learn

[annie24]

yeah, i mean, nice and keen and pleasant on a date are all GOOD things!! especially a first or second date. i mean, if someone thinks you are "too nice" on a first date - maybe that means they are effed up and have some issues?? if they are turned on by someone who is indifferent or rude.

[confused1979]

There's a difference between being super nice and being servile and trying too hard to please. If I went on a date with someone in the early days and they weren't super nice, I wouldn't be going on another date!

 

Yeah exactly, this is why i posted and what has happened lol Too nice, too keen and all too soon I am not crying in my cereal, if I do not get to see her again I will move on. I am already dating others but I would love to have another chance with this one

[annie24]

i can't speak for your dates, but I personally am looking for a man who is nice and keen, early on. i think those are positive things when it comes to building a long term relationship.

[confused1979]

yeah, i mean, nice and keen and pleasant on a date are all GOOD things!! especially a first or second date. i mean, if someone thinks you are "too nice" on a first date - maybe that means they are effed up and have some issues?? if they are turned on by someone who is indifferent or rude.

 

Thanks annie, I guess I just mean I accept things others wouldn't. Usually if someone played around like this I would just walk. Also, She was going away so i told her how I bought her a little present. I am thinking this would of been one of the freak out things. It was a little joke present because we were always laughing and mucking around. Nothing serious, a hot water bottle that had a nickname (she gave herself) on it. she was going to stay in the snow for a few months and doesn't like the cold Oh and she didn't know what the present was, just that I had one. So her mind might of ran wild.

[confused1979]

Thanks again annie, i will not change who I am. I will always be a gentleman and enjoy a laugh but I think I will remain a little bit more of a mystery from now on

[Jim Wormold]

I like all the replies here.

 

Something similar happened to me and went on for about 2 months

I played it quite cool actually and had other dates in between,

so I definitely did not say anything too clingy. After a while though

one does begin to wonder why they keep coming back when you

give up on them, only for you to end up sucked into the game again.

 

Since she has a mutual friend it was also complicated for me,

and I thought rather than make it seem like I was still hanging

on, I told her in three lines that I was no longer

interested. I felt awkward at first for being so "hard" in that context

but I really needed the clarity.

 

I also felt quite good later because I noticed this process

was dragging my self-esteem down and I didnt want to be

treated like this anymore.

 

 

[confused1979]

Yeah some people are so confusing. I hope I do not get to a situation where it has dragged on for months like yours. I will just try to keep a clear head but over analyzing is a specialty of mine lol

 

Who knows maybe the girl I am meeting on Tuesday will be great. In fact she just text now lol

[laura40]

Yeah some people are so confusing. I hope I do not get to a situation where it has dragged on for months like yours. I will just try to keep a clear head but over analyzing is a specialty of mine lol

 

Who knows maybe the girl I am meeting on Tuesday will be great. In fact she just text now lol

 

Good luck for your next date on Tuesday.

 

I also think you should keep dating other women, this woman seems as if she's keeping you on the back burner. It's as if she decides to get in contact whenever she's lonely. As she's logging into the dating site too then I am guessing she's also dating other men.

 

If I were in your position with a guy (which I have been) then I would stop all contact. If she really liked you, she'd make an effort.

[confused1979]

Thanks Laura, I have not contacted her since she ignored my message She has had some personal family stuff on her plate of late, which is the only reason I have put up with her postponing etc. Saying lets have coffee tomorrow morning and then not responding is just odd. I do hope to hear from her as the connection was good but I will not chase her

 

I just met the another girl today and she was really nice. Different to me but beautiful and easy to talk to

[laura40]

I'm glad your date went well.