Talking about family on a date

[Jim Wormold]

Hi,

 

Hoping you could help on a difficult issue for me. I have often read

that having close relations with family is always a good sign, or to

put it another way - that not having one is a supposed red flag.

 

My whole family (live in southern hemisphere) - father, mother,

sister and brother-in-law all have a tendency to:

 

* passive aggression and emotional manipulation

 

* make "jokes" that can be pretty mean - most recently about

my finances. The 16-year-old niece has taken after her parents

and even joked that I should marry their housekeeper because

then I would be financially supported(!!). Actually, I am a free-lance

teacher and artist and do ok money-wise. Just not on their terms

(status symbols like certain cars, holidays, houses etc.)

 

* not take responsibility for their actions - any "apologies" are always

precisely-worded fakes (eg. "sorry if I offended you", etc, etc)

 

* and last, but definitely not least, they are religious fanatics and are

always pushing that on me and my aunts and uncles here in Europe.

It becomes really aggressive at times.

 

All in all, I left home and the country early and have been learning to

constantly make my boundaries clear with them. An on-going struggle

that usually means keeping a certain polite distance contact-wise.

 

I have met other women with similar issues actually, but would ideally

like someone with a warm family that might be more accepting of me.

 

So, how to still appear like a nice attractive person without major

issues, when dating someone and being asked about my family?

 

Appreciate your thoughts...

[MikNomis]

I think you might be worrying a bit much. You can easily talk about your family without badmouthing them or seeming like you have issues. Turn it into something funny. Joke that you think they exist solely to make you miserable. Then afterward say I'm kidding, I love them lots. Oh and also quickly return the question to her. Then it'll make you seem like a cool dude that would rather talk less about himself and hear more about her.

[happpybear]

just be honest but not overly emotional either. i also have a dysfunctional family and i estranged my father, i usually explain it quickly with little emotional, gloss over the reasons why my family is nuts and say I love them anyway (which is true btw)

[Thorshammer]

Just be open, dude. I have never been judged by anything outside myself, nor have i judged them for something they cant control that is external to them. Dont nitpick yourself, you are becoming your only enemy right now.

[Pineapplejuice]

They should take you for who you are, not who your family is. It's another kind of story if your family is going to interrupt between the two of you, or something.

[Jim Wormold]

Hi MikNomis, happybear, Thorshammer and Pineapplejuice

 

Thanks for your great responses! Liked them all.

 

happybear, sorry to read of your father. It is similar with me.

We dont really want the situation, keep giving them chances, but

we need respect too. Mine just keeps messing up like a little boy.

Which is exactly what he still is.

 

Your approach feels honest and I did it this way recently

with a date too.

 

Nice to get reassurances that it may not be such an issue.

I guess, as long as I dont try to avoid the question, get

emotional or make it seem like an issue, then I should be ok.

 

I think being jokey might seem unnatural, especially

for a serious subject like family, so I shall just keep it light but open.

[Pineapplejuice]

I think being jokey might seem unnatural, especially

for a serious subject like family, so I shall just keep it light but open.

You got a nice conclusion yourself there mate.

[Ms Darcy]

I tend to think that like attracts like and that we tend to repeat the issues of our family until we resolve them.

 

If I were you I would focus more on trying to repair the relationship with your family than trying to find someone with the perfect family. That will not make you whole.

[Jim Wormold]

I tend to think that like attracts like and that we tend to repeat the issues of our family until we resolve them.

 

If I were you I would focus more on trying to repair the relationship with your family than trying to find someone with the perfect family. That will not make you whole.

 

Ms Darcy, I respect your thoughts on my family and I thank you for them.

 

If it were all so simple as you say then we would live in a wonderful world.

 

However, I dont think you are aware of the kind of cycles

my sort of family produces. Perhaps it works in your family and I happy

that it does. I have done my level best over the years and eventually

after getting hurt over and over again, it is only normal to take a safe distance.

 

I managed to get my father to join me with a counselor and he exploded in her

face. The counselor advised me to keep a safe and polite distance. If it wasnt

for my initiatives, there would be no "relationship". This is not just about my father

though.

 

I have started a therapy with psychotherapist and, while I consider

myself an independent thinker, have found his comments helpful.

 

I mean this kindly - please reflect on my points above. Its honestly a stone cold wall.

I have given up expecting apologies from anyone. I can only work on myself

the best I can. What others do with their lives is out of my control.

 

I email and keep up some form of contact, but people who refuse to take responsibility

for their actions and who turn it all instead into a kind manipulative game are not

the average "ah, lets hug and make up" type. I am by the way. I say sorry very quickly.

 

But my boundaries must stay respected.

 

Also, I used the word "ideally" regarding my partner search, as I know this

is not usually the case. In a perfect world it would be. I would be very

happy to have someone who otherwise is there for me and with whom

I feel a future with. If her family is messed up like mine - well, thats life then.

[Jim Wormold]

I tend to think that like attracts like and that we tend to repeat the issues of our family until we resolve them.

 

If I were you I would focus more on trying to repair the relationship with your family than trying to find someone with the perfect family. That will not make you whole.

 

Also, your "like attracts like" comment is somehow not fair.

 

I am aware of this theory but this is only an internet forum.

You dont know me and my question was also more related

to dealing with dating situations than with family - a far far

more complex situation not suited to a mere few lines here.

 

Oh my goodness, you got me thinking of all the efforts I have

made to talk things over, the attempted discussions and my last

long email that was ignored---written 6 months ago.

[dunfalma]

Well some people have family that is nuts! So to save your sanity you have to limit contact with them! That being said you can give limited details when getting to know someone - saying you have a sister etc. If they ask if you are close - say something light like as close as typical families are. When you have gone out a few times then you can lay the details out. But too much negativity early on imo is a turnoff

[Jim Wormold]

Well some people have family that is nuts! So to save your sanity you have to limit contact with them! That being said you can give limited details when getting to know someone - saying you have a sister etc. If they ask if you are close - say something light like as close as typical families are. When you have gone out a few times then you can lay the details out. But too much negativity early on imo is a turnoff

 

Thanks! Yes, its the negativity I was worried about.

 

I need the chance for "her" (whoever she might be)

to get to know me first and then decide. Being human,

she might have some form of issue too, but in a different form.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I see my response got a reaction, which is a clear sign that this is definitely good material for your psychotherapist. I know few people who don't think their family situation isn't unique and certainly you are only one person so you alone cannot 'fix' your family dynamic. But you need to reflect on the way you put it out there. You wanted someone ideally with a warm family who would accept you. You said that rather than wanting someone who is healthy and accepts you. So why does their family dynamic matter to you? What difference does it make? I think before you get defensive you might take some time to really think about your own comments. If your family acts in cycles, then those cycles were likely passed down and I would not be surprised if that continues through you. ... That's what the like-attracts-like means ... that what you find attractive in women is impacted in some way or another by your life experiences and beliefs. As you work with your therapist to heal, then who and what you attract will tend to reflect how you have grown.

[FYI]

Not on the first date, never on the first date.

 

That phrase can be said for a lot of things, never on the first date.

 

The undisputed truth is that no family is perfect; quirks left and right on every household and underneath every family tree. However, I don't think this is really a great topic for a first date. As you continue to get to know her if and when you do, then you can have the talk about family. Say for example if things get serious and you decide you're ready for her to meet them. Don't light all of your fireworks in one show.

[quirky]

I think most people would be ok about it as long as you don't expect to be 'adopted' by the other person's warm family, if she has one.

I agree about letting them know but not like it's a therapy session.

[Jim Wormold]

Thanks all!