Guess I was asking for it...

[brickheart]

Well, I thought I was ready for a new online dating profile after a few weeks... I happily filled out the profile essays, put up some recent and flattering photos of myself, answered some questions... and after answering a decent amount of questions, I went over to look at my matches. And who should appear as #1 in my area?

 

You guessed it - my ex. Well, after all, that website is how we met in the first place, and we were a fantastic match to begin with (high 90s). I guess I should have expected him to recover before me and get back online, considering he's the one who broke up with me. It still flattened me, in any case. Seeing his picture (the one I took of him smiling at me!), reading all about his new life without me.

 

Then, the minute I looked at his profile, he disappeared from my matches. He blocked me without even looking at my profile!

 

I'm sitting here crying now... the whole experience took my breath away. I'm so sad to lose him, all over again... I miss him so much. Looking through all his questions being reminded of how happy we were together and how easily he cut it all short...

[seoulmate]

One thing you should know...don't think of him "blocking you" as being a negative. I blocked my ex on FB ...not because I wanted to hurt her but because I didn't want to hurt myself. It may not be easy for him to see your photo either. And this may be his way of dealing with that. He doesn't want to see or hear about the guys you may be dating.

 

I know your first reaction is to think it is because he doesn't want anything to do with you but don't take that road just yet. If he was "over you" he wouldn't need to block you. And, if he was spiteful in any way he would allow you to see his life unfold. Instead, the blocking is probably to spare him some pain. And afterall, he also doesn't know what you're thinking. If I'm him I may be thinking "darn, she's over me pretty quickly..."

 

This isn't to give you hope. This is just to ease your pain.

[brickheart]

Crap, he just sent me a message... apparently it gave him a notification that I looked at his profile. He asked me not to look at it. After ages of wishing he'd contact me... that was not what I wanted.

 

I want to apologize... give me the strength not to reply... I want so much to apologize, not just for this, but for everything...

[seoulmate]

If that is the case then do not reply and do not apologize.

 

He has moved on and is being very straight forward. The communication is fairly clear. He does not want you to view his profile and I am guessing he does not want you to contact him. Apologizing will not make this any better. And you may not like his reply (don't assume that he will take kindly to it).

 

Give him his space. Let him live his life and you need to continue moving on with yours.

 

AS much as this hurts, it was meant to happen for a reason. So many ppl on this forum wonder for a long time about their exes - you don't need to wonder anymore. The healing does not have to be delayed.

 

And although I don't think you will heed this advice, I am sure everyone hear will tell you the same thing.

[brickheart]

Weell I did send a brief reply... I realize it was a terrible idea, but I sent it anyway. Honestly, I don't feel WORSE than I did before... I might feel bad depending on his reply (or lack of reply), but for right now, I just feel as heavy as I did before. I dunno. We'll see. I'm completely inexperienced at all of this "sending out feelers" stuff. If he replies "stop talking to me" (which I assume he will), I'll feel like crap but at least I'll have tried. Meh.

 

I do appreciate your advice, seoulmate. I agree that I should not delay my healing since I know he's on the website. Now I need to stop checking his profile every single moment, now that I know his username...

[Avila]

stop tortouring yourself xo

 

it sounded like a clear message that he doesn't want to talk to you and i know that's really hard. but in a way it's good because you can stop wondering about that. if he wants to talk to you, he knows how. if he knows you'd like to get in touch than the ball is really in his court. but don't wait for him. move on, date and eventually it will get easier.

[MikNomis]

You gotta be stronger than that or you won't make it. And don't check his profile, he'll know that you're looking.

[WhiteTiger]

Cant you delete yourself and try a different dating site? That way you wont have to torture yourself by being tempted to check him out.

[Mellie]

I think he was a bit of a berk telling you not to view his profile. He put it on a public platform, therefore it's in the public domain. He might not like it, he's entitled to block you, but I think actually contacting you to tell you off is OTT.

 

That said, you know, as do I, that looking at his profile will do you no good whatsoever.

 

I met my ex on a dating site. We dated for a few months, went on holiday together. Then he started acting like an arse and I was forced to break up with him (I don't say this lightly). 2 days later he's back on the site (yup, I'm still harping on!). I messaged him a "how could you?". No response. I sent him a crazy, crazy message via the site (because I'd deleted all other points of contact to prevent myself doing it in a fit of anger, but alas...). Then I sent a follow up the next day. One line - an apology and I won't contact you again.

 

I had a missed call from him after the last message. I called back. No answer since (I'm still kicking myself for ringing back). Maybe he was going to say to me what you ex said to you?

 

Anyway, I did put a new profile on that site. I told myself this is the situation, this is where we are, so it doesn't hurt to take a look around. I am on the same site as my ex because it's the only free one as far as I'm aware. He doesn't own it.

 

There do seem to be some pretty cool guys around and I chatted with a few. BUT I realised after a couple of days, I wasn't looking in the right place for what I really want right now. Dating sites are a pressurised environment, and I'm not actually all that keen on the ethos. It's like trying on 50 pairs of shoes until you find one that fits.

 

Everyone is there in pursuit of some form of "romance" in whatever degree or sense. But I'm not. I want friendship first and a relationship that gradually evolves, rather than "where is this going?" from the first date. I don't even want to date, as such. I just feel exhausted to be honest.

 

I haven't been on the site in days now and no inclination to go back. But you know, maybe someday I'll change my mind. Isn't everyone just driven there through desperation though? It's not really a great foundation. I think I'll do better working on expanding my social life with more clubs and hobbies. That will bring me into contact with people with similar interests and who knows.

 

And I don't doubt that part of my motive in putting my profile there was to tell the ex "you're not driving me out". Out of the site, that is. But I'm out of his life, I accept that. I don't think I was ever really in it.

 

As for seeing the ex's profile, I think the last time was a week ago (we're only broken up about 12 days). I looked at his photo after I sent the apology message (the apology was purely for the rampant email - nothing else). I thought "I don't even recognise you. Maybe I never even knew you at all." And I'm happy to leave it at that. Well, not "happy"... not "content"... not "satisfied" even. There's still a bad taste in my mouth. But I've no desire to say anymore to him.

[Lambert]

I agree with a lot of what is said here.... my first thought was, what a jerk to even contact you. I mean really? Talk about being so into himself, that he felt he had to tell you to NOT look at his profile. He could have just saw that you did and since you didn't try to contact him, ignore it.

 

I really like the advice of jumping off the site and going somewhere else. Or if you can just delete him... I don't know how that site works, so once you remove him, can you still see him? I think in the world of cyber dating, we all have to get used to seeing more info than we want sometimes and it really is a small world. So it can be hard to avoid your ex.

 

I would just keep reminding yourself he is just a jerk. Stay away.... it's the only way to go. In a few days, this will pass. Hang in there!!