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itsallgrand
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We are in the process of moving to a bigger place. First of the month.

You don't realize all you've accumulated until you move !! It's nuts.

Excited but stressed a bit with the time crunch now.

I'll have my own study/work room! We will have a proper guest room!

Of course, this when old friends and family are popping up " hey wanna get together?". Yeah I do, but not this week guys lol.

This will be a caffeinated week of work, getting ready to move, and take out lol.

 

Good luck!!!! Maybe the friends wanna get together and help with the move? ;-)

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  • 1 month later...

 

I've been in a grief mode since around Thanksgiving. Hit me hard this year. Was crying off and on, missing my mom so badly.

And then this sadness in my heart, I remember D is gone too. And it has deeply hit me. It just feels like a chunk of my world, so many important people, gone already.

I'm not depressed and things are good.

But grief comes and goes, sometimes it gets you hard. That's all.

 

This song has meant a lot to me. It's a song I related to, going through trauma as a teen, being surrounded with religious types all around me as a kid. Then that Catholic stuff, weighted on my dad and then me growing up in it. The priests and pastors and believers, how they turns out for a good tragedy. My personal experience, I felt pretty violated, felt my family was disrespected too, the grief and loss twisted to suit their crap.

But anyhow, also met D at a time we were both jamming , funny that, and I loved singing Blind Melon. Just so fun.

And his music, his music. I miss it a lot.

 

All over the place here. Just need to get it out.

Also weird to me, this far past then, this song is still needed. I thought then the need would surely have been ancient history by now. Nope, it's worse than ever out there with pushers..of all the sorts.

Edited by itsallgrand
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Thanks everyone.

I have a few days without any major obligations now, so am going to spend some time at the house in the country.

That usually helps. Some solitude and quiet, a chance to reflect and read in front of the fireplace, do some simple outdoor physical labour, and look at the stars.

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Thanks everyone.

I have a few days without any major obligations now, so am going to spend some time at the house in the country.

That usually helps. Some solitude and quiet, a chance to reflect and read in front of the fireplace, do some simple outdoor physical labour, and look at the stars.

 

Sounds wonderful!

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  • 1 month later...

Yesterday we had Christmas dinner at my partner's dad's house. It was us, his dad, his sister and her two kids. Kids are 18 and 12. It started off really nice, visiting and opening presents.

As we are eating dinner, my partner's sister randomly says " Daughter needs to get pregnant already, so we can have some babies in the house!".

Everyone was silent for a bit, her dad was the first to say something. He directs to his grand daughter, starts asking her about school. Phew! My guy and I jump in with that, encouraging her and praising her for sticking with school.

She's been through a lot, and has at least another year yet to complete high school because of struggles she's had. But she's smart, she's thinking of uni, she is headed in a good direction.

 

I was annoyed but my partner was even more upset, though he handled it very gracefully. His niece asked us to drive her home afterwards, and so we got to talk with her more about it. Thankfully she is in no rush for that, she said it's her mom who is " baby crazy " lately. His niece said " it's too much work for me! I want a career at least." Thank freaking god.

 

There's lots more backstory to it but it just blew me away that after everything, this is his sister's time finally to be clean and be a real part of her kids lives, she's saying stupid things like this still. It just seems really selfish!

 

It was a double slap too. One: saying that to a young woman who is struggling to start her own adult life, her Daughter! Two: knowing that her brother and I are wanting to be parents. But it pisses me off more to hear her say it around the 18 year old.

 

Anyways Christmas is still going for me, got a few dinners on my side yet. And it's been a good one this year. Just had to get this one weird nag out lol.

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We got texts from her today ( niece ) asking us if we have any household items to spare. She's planning on moving out on her own. She works part time, and her grandma and grandpa will help her out financially. As long as she stays in school.

She said her mom has been using again. She hadn't been living with her mom long, maybe a year. There was a point prior to that where we offered her - open ended - a place at our home if she ever wants. She stayed with her grandma a while, then tried with her mom. Prior to that, and for most of her life,vshe lived with her dad. But that wasn't a great scene. At all. There were nights we went out, at her call to us, to pick her up when she'd vanish running the streets.

 

So yeah, we are gathering items for her, we both were 18 when we lived on our own too. And she has support - us, her grandma , her grandpa.

 

D said he sees similarities between her and I. I see it too. And we've got along since the beginning, I took an instant liking to her. Not just as a younger person but her personality.

Like me, she responds to the chaos by rebelling to work harder, keep things orderly and clean, being responsible.

 

I believe she can do it. She can go far. And she got her grandma to take her for birth control, which is just awesome.

 

D is worried about his sister. His family has for a very long time. I'm sad for them for that. Addiction really is so freaking terrible.

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  • 4 weeks later...
Tomorrow is our four year anniversary together.

I'm blown away that it's been four years. If you had asked me five years ago if I thought I'd be here, I would have thought no way. And I was ok with that. But he's been an awesome surprise.

 

And it's a palindrome day!!

02/02/2020

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And it's a palindrome day!!

02/02/2020

 

I noticed it! I like to save files in the yyyymmdd format, so I was extra excited by this date. I could type 20200202 ~or~ 02022020. The possibilities were.... well... two.

 

Anyway, Happy Anniversary, Itsallgrand!!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm annoyed right now. It's not my place to touch it, but I don't like seeing my guy get hurt. I love most of his family, but I'm sorry, his sister is just the worst.

 

This wasn't a major thing, but it shows the lack of consideration and how everything is always about her. His birthday was the other day. I planned a fun day out the two of us, then in the evening a get together at a central location for anyone who wanted to drop by. There's bowling alleys, a bar section, arcades etc. Friends who wanted or could only come with their kids, came early and we kept it family friendly. For those who wanted to have drinks and more adult time, they came by later. It was actually really fun.

 

His sister didn't show up. She didn't text, she didn't even tell him happy birthday. Just blank. And this was after her going on about coming, telling everyone, even teasing him about getting him a present.

 

I could tell it bothered him. He didn't say anything, except the next day about how he's done trying to be supportive for her, life is too short to put energy into people who don't care. He mentioned how his buddys abroad and across the country have done more for him than his own sister who's right in the same city. So that's that for now.

 

But he did have a great bday otherwise. It's hard to stop trying with family, I get that.

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I'm annoyed right now. It's not my place to touch it, but I don't like seeing my guy get hurt. I love most of his family, but I'm sorry, his sister is just the worst.

 

This wasn't a major thing, but it shows the lack of consideration and how everything is always about her. His birthday was the other day. I planned a fun day out the two of us, then in the evening a get together at a central location for anyone who wanted to drop by. There's bowling alleys, a bar section, arcades etc. Friends who wanted or could only come with their kids, came early and we kept it family friendly. For those who wanted to have drinks and more adult time, they came by later. It was actually really fun.

 

His sister didn't show up. She didn't text, she didn't even tell him happy birthday. Just blank. And this was after her going on about coming, telling everyone, even teasing him about getting him a present.

 

I could tell it bothered him. He didn't say anything, except the next day about how he's done trying to be supportive for her, life is too short to put energy into people who don't care. He mentioned how his buddys abroad and across the country have done more for him than his own sister who's right in the same city. So that's that for now.

 

But he did have a great bday otherwise. It's hard to stop trying with family, I get that.

 

I am so so sorry! Awful behavior on her part. We were just in our hometown and saw lots of family. Went mostly smoothly but many times it has not. I can relate and I'm sorry.

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  • 3 months later...

I wish I could sleep. I can see the sky getting brighter.

Somer nights are fine, and others I find myself awake with a tight ball of worry in my stomach.

I know I'm not unique in this, but here I am.

I haven't written in my journal since before my trip, which was a rather big stretch out of my usual comfort zones. I had the best time, and was all itching to strike out again for another adventure. That was March, now it's June. Three months. So much time spent inside, ups and downs, taking it day by day like everyone else.

I've had a handful of nights with nightmares, which are rare occurences in this part of my life ( I will never take that for granted ). More often though, it's bouts of anxiety poking up, or sudden sadness, but it has more or less been manageable. Better than I have hoped and tried for.

But sleep has been a rollercoaster. Will I have a night where I go to bed, sleep normally, wake up rested? Or will I struggle to fall asleep, to stay asleep, to be restful?

Hoping getting this out will help me put my mind at rest, get some perspective, get it out of my head when needed. I've used all my well worn tools for anxiety, and I'll be more stringent, as I don't want this slippery slope to end up with exhaustion and then of course that's the pit where anxiety really gets you.

So don't mind me, just making note for myself of my sleep patterns and such until this is back on track.

Now hopefully, sleep for a bit. I can hear birds.

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I also woke up to the birds! I can relate, I hope last night you slept, I hope you can find ways to rest your mind and get a good night's sleep (I've written that I love Weil method of 4-7-8 breathing to help with this).

 

Thinking of you!

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