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I'm pretty sure my boss was liquored up at work yesterday. The snow was coming strong since early in the morning, so it seems the whole city got put into a lazy daze. What would normally take half an hour, was taking an hour and a half. Some people simply called it a sick day and didn't show up.

 

In the evening, we went for a walk out in the new snowy world. The flakes were those big fat ones. So pretty. Everything sparkly and bright. The only people out were those playing or a few ones driving home or taking the dog for a walk. I loved it.

And I could make my first snowball of the season.

 

Christmas is coming up so of course a few bigger items in the house are breaking down. lol. All rolling off my back at this point. Why get stressed about this stuff anymore?!

 

Felt happy yesterday. Win !

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I am procrastinating!

 

"You shouldn't let your thoughts run wild." That could be the sign above my bed so I see it in the morning, and when I lay down to sleep. Except maybe framed in a more positive way.

 

STOP. Here is what is happening. Here are the facts. Here is what is before you. NOW, you can GO.

 

Listen brain, co operate with me here. Let's make a deal. I won't be hard on you, and you won't be hard on me.

 

Shake on it?! We've got work to do.

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Wow, is it ever snowing out there! The neighbors little guy is outside in his snowsuit shoveling and playing. Making a fort again.

This kid is so adorable. And he puts a smile on my face. The other week he left me a little present for when I walked outside of my door; a pyramid structure of snow on the fence made from packing snow in old cans. He likes to leave me little 'presents' - it's cute, makes me smile. His dad is a single dad...I know....don't go there, right?! Naw, I don't. But he sure has a great kid. I'm trying not to get attached!

 

That's exactly the problem for me with the idea of dating a single dad. Attachment. I get attached to kids pretty easily and that isn't even taking into account the attachment a child may get towards me. Yes, there is 'protocol' for this, but ...I'm just leery of the whole thing. Plus, I haven't exactly totally scratched off the possibility of maybe having a child myself.

 

Just was thinking of this because the little guy's dad has been flirting with me a lot lately , and asked me to spend time with him twice now. Both times I declined; almost reflectively. He's a neighbor. He's got a kid. His kid is already aware of me. I am already aware of and in a semi-familiar way 'know' him too. It would be all a little close for comfort, no? And I hadn't ever considered the 'dad' that way. It sort of made me start when he started getting flirty now. I don't know much about him; just friendly chit chat stuff etc. Suddenly I'm aware that he has been paying more attention to me than I realized. He noticed things that kinda made me go "hmm, so I am on this guys radar?!". Example: a day I didn't wear my glasses. One day. Things like that.

 

Anyways. It's still takes me aback when men show interest in me. It happens regularly enough; maybe sometimes I take it for granted?! But there is always a little part of me that falls into believing nobody out there is really paying attention. What I mean is, I fall into a routine of living as though no one is.

 

I wonder about that. I think that is part of the 'rut'. That this month is going to be moving to change. Getting so stuck in a little mentality of what is in front of my eyes and what is being said to me at the time.

 

Expansion. That is what I am in need of now. Expanding the reaches of my life, my mind, all of it. PUshing out side the comfort zone a bit, taking things in, opening my mind some.

 

I do know I can be prone to lapses of judgmental and narrow mindedness. I'd rather not let that define me too much. It's limiting, that.

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  • 2 weeks later...

It's been a harsh internal road.

 

Bye Bye.

 

Bye Bye Z.

 

It's alright now. I am alright now. I don't need to carry these things with me. I can do this. I can stand alone. No binkies. No blankeys. No imaginary comforts and daydreams about what I never got. Not anymore. I carried you inside me. And I carried hopes inside me. I carried hopes for everything; to do with my past.

 

What I wanted...and didn't get.

What I needed...and didn't get.

From you.

From them.

From the world.

 

I was...a girl splattered in blood and shame. Numb save anger. Loss, loss, and loss. While my legs still grew. Buckling in the heat. Screaming in my head.

 

I am...a woman. A woman with determination. A warm heart that pumps wonderfully. A strong mind which is curious, sometimes playful. A body that is finding homeostasis.

 

I can't carry it all, and explore everything I want to, enjoy everything I want to. Not anymore.

 

I am growing, I think. I am allowed to.

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It would be all a little close for comfort, no?

 

It's ideal, you don't have to travel far !!

 

It's still takes me aback when men show interest in me.

 

Me too. But I doubt anyone does, I seriously don't notice.

 

Also..really helps reading your journal..I sometimes find my own strength or try to find it by reading your stuff. Expansion is a good word. I want to try it too. But kinda scared and tired too at the moment.

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Hugs darling. Big hugs.

 

Thank you. Very much.

 

It's ideal, you don't have to travel far !!

 

Me too. But I doubt anyone does, I seriously don't notice.

 

Also..really helps reading your journal..I sometimes find my own strength or try to find it by reading your stuff. Expansion is a good word. I want to try it too. But kinda scared and tired too at the moment.

 

Thanks quirky.

 

I'm trying to be more aware and open to it now. People showing me attention. I think it's something I learned to put some blinders up to. Positive attention, I mean.

 

I find the same thing with your journal - it helps me to work through my own, and it gives me strength and inspiration too.

 

 

After being sick for a few days and homebound, it's time t oget back to the 'world'. No one else around me has been sick. I'm still not sure if this was brought on by stress (possibly, making me more vulnerable) or the shifts in weather too. I have noticed I am vulnerable to shifts in weather. It's been cold ; then we got a couple of 'warm' days. One day it hit zero. Then it hung around the minus ten to thirteen mark for a while. For dead of winter, that is too warm for me. I could feel my body revolting.

 

Either way, I'm feeling on the upswing. Not 100 %, but feeling a bit better. So that is positive.

 

I had a blow out of sorts with Z while sick which prompted me writing about it. He called me, and I answered without even looking at who was calling. He wanted emotional support from me. And then got mad at me when I told him I couldn't do that. Please go talk to your girlfriend, this isn't appropriate and Iwon't. Turned it around on me being a " disrespectful person ". "I thought you were my friend". Why would you think I am your friend?? I put it all out there. I wasn't even angry. At one point though, I could hear myself getting so frustrated that my voice sounded like it was going to fall into sobs. It didn't. It wasn't even hurt anymore, just frustration. To want to speak to someone and have a normal conversation. Be heard, respected on a simple level.

 

It just really dawned on me taht it isn't the Z that I cared about that reaches out to me anymore. The Z I cared about, for years, was sweet and considerate and strong. The Z now is a self absorbed mess. I don't need to be angry or upset about it anymore. It serves no purpose. It's not going to change anything. The loss is done; and I really need to move on fully with my life.

 

Holiday time is a great time to start. Lots of nice times and things to do.

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It was a bad idea. Clearly my thinker wasn't working at full capacity. Thinking that after a day at work and still pretty sick, it would be a good mood booster to hit the stores via bus in -36 degree weather. Alone. Pick up those few things I haven't gotten for those people who seem to be around when I am shopping. Could be colder, not exactly sure. But it's the winter solstice people. And I knew that too. Longest night of the year. It's black. It's cold. And I was wandering around in the stores like feeling a bit like a ghost on valium.

 

Not. a. good. mood. booster.

 

I kept thinking too..why in the world people would want to spend their down time shopping to relax?! Forget its the holiday season for a minute. I mean, any time. Shopping doesn't ever ever help me relax. Another reason I should have known this was a bad idea!

 

There is something about shopping that can bring out the cynical, negative side of me. Too much of it, and I find myself turning into my grandma (which is scary!). Rude, demanding, and hard to please. I hear myself thinking things like "oh look at all this crap. same crap everywhere. low quality. people pumping out an image. it's all so depressing." Then I start just leaving my body and fall into apathy; which is worse.

 

And if I let myself think like that long enough, I DO start to feel depressed. Empty. And miserable.

 

What is it?? I can't even complain about my experience tonight. People were pretty friendly, really. Customer service was pretty darn good, really. And nothing actually bad happened.

 

It's the focusing on make, model, price. Brand, where it was made, color, where is it located in the store?, what size does this come in, is there a warranty, the sights and sounds of STORES, the smells of a million artificial fragrances blasting all around me, music everywhere, voices, sensory overload. God, the smell of plastic and rubber everywhere. And the commercialization and exploitation of sentiment into items - it's nothing new. But god, it sure can do a number on my soul. I'm not cut out for a highly evolving high paced consumer culture at all.

 

Oh yeah, I am an introvert at heart for sure. lol. I found some solace in front of this giant fireplace. With a hot drink. And the comfy chairs. Sitting with all the husbands and boyfriends waiting for their wives and girlfriends. I'm not creating the stereotype; this is how it went down. And the bookstore; the bookstore is a little haven too. I can just find a little quiet aisle and wet my chops on this book and that.

 

It was a BAD idea.

 

Maybe tomorrow I will have a bright idea!! That's the hope and let's do it.

 

I did have a twinge of feeling kinda sorry for myself and a bit of a loser for being alone. But it was just cause I was feeling vulnerable in the cold and saw this man drive up to pick up his woman. I do have people in my life who care about me, and who do things like that. I didn't ask tonight; I set out alone and followed it through that way. That was my choice. For the first time in quite a while though I remembered and had some feelings/memories about holidays with an SO you love. To be frank, Z disparaged Christmas and holidays and seemed to treat it almost like an amusement that they could mean something to me. Citing; bad experiences of growing up clause. However, I do have memories from him going out of his comfort zone to make me happy. And I have other good memories too, of other past relationships; all the rest of them being much more comfortable with what to me, Z termed almost in a negative as, "traditional and old fashioned".

 

As I type all this, I see it's true I've held a lot of resentment towards Z. We had incompatibilities from the start. Didn't let that slow us down. The resentment about things sure grew though.

 

I won't make that mistake again. Of holding onto things while with someone. Sure, he did it too. That isn't and wasn't in my control though. My part was in letting him chip away at some of the things that have been very dear to me; letting his cynicism sort of belittle them in a way. I'm sure he felt the same way about me too, though. That I didn't take as seriously or value what he valued so much, and thta could have eaten away at his sense of confidence etc. in me too.

 

Anyways. It's weird. I feel like I can finally get all this stuff out. I know I keep talking about him here, and it's somewhat embarrassing, but it's cleansing this time around. I'm not angry - that is the real difference. It feels a bit analytical; but sort of analytical as far as picking out my feelings and my sense of what I want again out of some old wreckage or something.

 

I thought about this the other day. Another mistake I will not make again,and it was a big mistake, is to hold on to anger for so long over anyone or anything ever again. Maybe I could not have done different up til now. At this point in time though; I can. I can clearly see the damage it does, the paralysis it feeds, the senselessly of it right now in my life. It sure doesn't mean I won't ever get angry again - but not angry like That. I can do better.

 

That's enough rambling for tonight.

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hi IAG...

 

merry christmas...and all that jazz. happy -36. are you feeling the freezing rain madness in your neck of the woods?

 

kind of feeling your vibe here. this time of year really has the ability to stir things up on the emotional front.

 

here's to growth. you never struck me as the introvert. but, your description of christmas shopping and your bookstore solace sort of confirms it. i think ENA is an introvert haven, actually.

 

pondering the resentment. kind of sneaks up on you...doesn't it? it's hard to pin down though. so easy for the waters to be all muddied with it. i think it has a tendency to get lost in the confusion of relating with someone. well...that's what i've noticed at least. could be different for you. personally...i always find it really sneaks up on me. i'm usually so wrapped up in my own thoughts that i don't even notice what's brewing. and then, all of a sudden i find myself in a familiar place. in some ways, it's a place where i'm blaming someone else for what's wrong. but, on a deeper level...it's something that blinds me to anything and everything that could be warm and comforting about a relationship. i just sink into the resentment...but without even acknowledging it as resentment.

 

battery is going to die.

 

hoping you're well.

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90...thanks for stopping by! Merry Christmas to you too.

 

Naw we aren't having any of that freezing rain or anything here. Just cold, cold, and more cold. What about in your parts??

 

The flavours of introverts are many,I suppose. This place is a haven for us. It may be one of the reasons I love this place so much - to interact with fellow introverts in this particular way. I honestly do think I would get along in person as well with many of the people here.

 

Thank you for your thoughts on resentment. That strikes a lot of chords for me. It really does seem to sneak up on me too. Even when I thought I was doing a good job!! I think what you said about

i'm usually so wrapped up in my own thoughts that i don't even notice what's brewing.

has a lot to do with it, on my end.

 

Now how to shift this?!? Well it's a starting point at least, for me to recognize that being inside my own head and self, is an issue for me while in a relationship. Or simply relating with other people. It's super easy for me to start jumping to conclusions, as well, because of this.

 

Oh I'm doing alright overall. Pretty good. And feeling better as far as the flu is going.

 

How are you?

 

I'm glad you updated on your work situation on your thread. I was wondering how things were going for you with that. And just in general. I'm always glad to see when you post.

 

Here's to a holiday that makes it in the memory books as a good one for you, 90.

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This holiday season was just bizarre. A strange feeling presided over me. Of gratitude, and awareness of, the positive aspects of my life.

A different light on all my interactions and circumstances too.

A sense of clarity about certain things which have alluded me for a long time.

 

Saw an old friend who I hadn't seen in years and years. He showed up when I was with my family in my moms house. A knock on the door "Do the *our last name* still live here?". Shows up just like that. On the off chance. On Christmas night. Has been living a rather isolated existence out of a trailer on the outskirts of a little northern town. My mom was asleep on the couch, everyone else was in various stages of laziness and ready to sleep stupor. And when we were chatting, and he took the offer of some cheap whiskey that was found in the same old liquor cabinet that we drank from as teenagers, my mom wakes up and simply says "Oh hello *his name*. How are you?". No one blinked an eye that someone we hadn't seen in years knocks late at night. And no one misses a beat even though we haven't seen him in years and years.

 

I gave him a hug when I was ready for bed, even though we had never hugged before. To be grown and yet to find myself seeing someone again, who was so much around in my life and in my home when I lived in that place, to see him again in that same place and it was strange. That home really was a half way house in so many ways, for so many people; and me included, in a certain way.

 

Well anyways. To be an adult. What a strange thing sometimes.

 

My Christmas was nice. And I enjoyed it. I always do. This was just a bonus.

 

And about Z...I thought of him once or twice. It's becoming more clear as well. The motivation inside of me that has made it difficult for me to let him go. To want to. I really want to be available for all the good stuff again, that gets clearer too, with somebody else. Somebody who fits for me, and me for them.

 

The world is a big place, and it's very small too. When you want to do something, you can do it. When things fit right, they aren't too hard to swing.

 

Z is just one of those things that I perhaps won't understand totally until years and years later yet. The entirety of it. Right now though, there are other things to focus on. The things that are happening now.

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Today my coworker and I spent lunch together. I got to meet and hold her new grandchild. A baby girl. Four days old.

She is beautiful.

Tomorrow, she will venture out into the world for the first time since arriving home from the hospital. It's brutal winter days now. Too cold for anything but a baby going quickly in and out; best for them to nestle up inside their homes.

I saw the mom nestled in my co workers house, with her new baby, and her other daughter. And my coworkers husband was busy in the kitchen keeping the household flowing when we went to visit.

 

It was walking in to a warm, cozy world. Family life; all the sweetness of it.

 

I was paying attention and in my feelings today. And you know? There was nothing there but genuine gratitude for it all. Any envy ? Check, none. Any tinges of 'oh why can't it be me?'. Check, none.

 

I felt grateful to have people in my life who would open their lives like that to me. And that they get to enjoy and have each other like that. It's a beautiful thing.

 

There is this constant awareness in me of how things do not last. People die. Situations flux. Jobs are lost. On and on it goes.

 

It's not upsetting me any more.

 

I remember some of the older people I looked up to when I was younger. I mean, in my twenties mostly lol. They were always trying to tell me "take it easy" "enjoy what is there" "there is no point worrying and dwelling, there is enough hard times, you gotta enjoy the good".

 

All fell on deaf ears. I figured I knew better. Even though they were the ones who had roughed tougher weathers than I, and seen a hell of a lot more, and still were somehow enjoying life more than me? !

 

There is an art to it. Maybe I didn't learn early. But I'm listening now...

 

 

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I had an interesting conversation with a Spanish man today. A genuinely interesting conversation. It was nice.

Also, many other positive interactions today. With people I know, and some I don't.

 

Last night my heater went out. Took me until the middle of the night to get really cold and figure out the heat was off. Some extreme weather here. Which continued all day.

In the past, something as small as that - though it is debatable how 'small' it really is, considering that to go without heat in this weather is not an option - would have really upset me. Pissed me off, actually, to be more precise.

My mind is operating smoother now. It's nice to have access again to so much rational thought.

May sound funny to read, but there it is.

 

I was in a good mood today. A steady good mood. That was nice too.

 

Things ARE getting better. I am starting to see some serious rewards for all my hard work now. It is coming together.

 

Very refreshing to go into the new year with a sense of hope, optimism, and excitement about what lies ahead.

 

Well I do have resolutions which I want to implement. To begin, would be to write them down properly and articulate exactly what they are.

 

Right at this minute, I am enjoying considering my possibilities. Taking stock.

 

I did decide on a theme for the year. It will be: expansion. Expanding my horizons. This will certainly include specific educational goals and achievements, some form of broader travel, and a continued emphasis on health. IT will also include building upon and opening new opportunities as far as relationships go - all types of relationships.

 

The main point will be to challenge myself more in the coming year on all fronts. This last year; and several behind it, have been all about working away to create a solid foundation. To make sure that is secure and all is sound.

 

This year will be about building.

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"somebody should do something about this".

 

Somebody. Meaning not them. Meaning...could it be you??

 

Hearing people say this, out loud, and airing their inner thoughts and worries about several situations made me really think today.

 

I was trying to dig at the root of why they were not doing these things themselves. Once again, I'm feeling like I am thrust into the role of an advocate for people.

 

Not because I particularly enjoy that role. Frankly, I don't.

 

But because I just seem to operate a little differently when it comes to conflicts than a lot of people seem to do.

 

You could say, I can't keep my mouth shut. That is one part of it.

 

If something seems wrong, or unjust, it's extremely difficult for me to just leave it alone. I'll go at it, and go at it, and go at it again, until it doesn't even make sense sometimes. Where the cost of pursuing it is higher than the cost of leaving it be. I can know this, and still choose to go at it. It takes some deliberate choice not to.

 

In other words, that is my default.

 

Listening today, it really seemed to me the default for a lot of people is simply get along. Get by. This isn't totally new information; but from some rather unexpected sources.

 

Seems people are always on the look out for someone to guide them. And sometimes that really unsettles me.

 

I mean, perfectly intelligent and competent people are very often willing to silently endure all matter of things they absolutely detest, find intolerable, even go against their value system and ethics, simply because they value getting by - and the rewards that come with that - so highly.

 

It really made me think. This is how things get bad. It's the silent creeping in on and compromises people make along the way that end up defining them sometimes. Bam one day they find they can't' get by by 'getting along' and someone else has pretty much - in simple terms - bullied them into doing what it is they want. Their bidding. For what? Not much. False sense of security, maybe.

 

It's scary. It's something that does make me nervous about people. I'm not uncomfortable taking a leadership role sometimes, if it makes a lot of sense and I'm actually the right person for what needs to be done.

 

Sometimes though, seems people clasp on for what is essentially my ride...

 

and they shouldn't. I won't take responsibility for that.

 

sometimes it really just is about me and fighting for what i want and value. It doesn't matter to me if anyone is standing beside, behind, or in front of me or not.

 

It is something about myself I need to think about.

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[video=youtube;zriAamH8zmw] ]

 

The wind is bitey, the weather is pretty brutal right now. Inside though, nice and warm and feeling alright. Sunday: a good chance to get all my things in order and tidied and access what next.

 

I won't waste January.

 

I know I can be happy now.

 

I have pretty much come to the conclusion I want to leave both my jobs. I want a change of direction. I want to learn something totally new.

 

I started my savings fund for travel today.

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Your post above this one..wow..I relate so much. It's probably one of the biggest sources of struggle in my life, not managing to fully accept other's lack of action/involvement/passion..lack of individuality or compassion, lack of responsibility...at least that is how it seems to me. To them it seems like being a diplomat or simply lacking any power or resources to make a difference. It is a constant effort to accept that but I will not lie, I doubt I ever fully will. Because I don't admire it nor agree with it. That sense of justice is so deep in me it causes me hassle often, hassle when someone else would just turn their head and be ok. I just don't understand it. I can't shut up when I consider something wrong. I can't leave someone in an unjust situation. Especially if a friend is in such situation I lose it.

 

It can be rewarding too.

 

That need for justice has lead me to a helping profession where it is useful but it has also been my main source of loneliness too deep down. I guess it makes me intense and it's like I am alone in a battle. At work too I found a lot of people avoided responsibility or taking initiative. There's too much fear putting oneself on the line I guess. But I can't fully get it how you can turn your head, expect to be lead, not take initiative, not speak up. It feels totally depressing to me. And like lacking the courage of one's convictions.

 

I think I will always struggle with this a bit, maybe it's just idealism..but I think it's something else too. Wanting the world to be a certain way and I have tried to discover why that need is there and what does it mean to me.

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I think I will always struggle with this a bit, maybe it's just idealism..but I think it's something else too. Wanting the world to be a certain way and I have tried to discover why that need is there and what does it mean to me.

 

ALL of that resonated with me deeply, quirky.

 

Me too.

 

I like this aspect of myself, and at the same time, sometimes I worry about it. I doubt (like you ) that it will ever go away. I doubt I will ever not have some struggles about it.

 

At this particular time in my life, I'm thinking...just use it to do something worthwhile. I've always tried to do that; but it's easy enough to get caught up sometimes in 'molehills'. And I don't want to do that.

 

It's been a lot of thinking on my part. And I really think I could better use my unique passion and skills somewhere else.

 

Frankly, the nature of my work right now is the kind where you see a lot of repetitive problems and issues. At times, it can feel like fighting a battle you can never win. When improvements are made, or someone's life is improved in some way, I get huge satisfaction out of that. A lot of times though, that doesn't happen, or it's so incremental that it's negligible. And there is an endless supply, an endless supply of problems. It's never "ok this is done. on to the next thing." Sometimes, it feels like going in circles.

 

Which makes me stop and wonder, am i doing good? Or what if I am doing harm? sometimes, I don't know.

 

It's really important to me for my work to mean something. Really important.

 

Maybe I've just spent too much time 'on the front' so to speak. It's time to take myself to some new ground. Try it out.

 

Worse case scenario? I know I can always find a job again 'on the front'. I also know I will never truly leave it totally behind either. It's a part of me, in some way, to be involved in service.

 

thanks for commiserating, my friend.

 

Happy New Year, btw!!

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Sometimes people have been burned in the past when they tried to make positive change. That kind of disenfranchisement isn't something people usually start their careers off with; it is learned or developed over time.

 

I'm the same way though. My husband's people have a saying - "crying louder than the bereaved". He often says I do it.

 

Also, I've found that people will spend 3 times as much time and energy explaining why they can't/shouldn't do something than it would have taken just to do it! It's definitely exasperating. It's like "just get on with it already".

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Thanks Bekka. That is a really good point. A lot of people don't start out that way...

 

And it helped me. I don't want to become one of those folks who whines about what I don't like, feeling that kind of disenfranchisement and/or simple lack of enthusiasm etc. I want to be doing, a do-er. I want to be able to commit as well, fully, to what I am doing.

 

Your post and quirky's helped me understand that the real issue here is that I'm starting to feel that way at my work, and it's tiem to get out before it turns into a situation that becomes a grind, a rut.

 

thanks!

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In the meantime, though, until you find something new, maybe just turn the problems up side down. sometimes you just have to redefine the problem in order to get that spark back.

 

I work in a highly politicized organization where people often become disenfranchised because they give good advice and recommendations, only to see poor decisions being made over and over again for political reasons. Sometimes I'm even told what advice I should give! And I'm supposed to be the expert. It's like they tell you the answer they want to hear, and send you off to go to the analysis to arrive at that answer. No wonder people get fed up, right?

 

In this case, you have to redefine the problem. The challenge becomes more complex and interesting, because you have to really understand your objectives and the objectives of the people around you - all the way from the senior executive to the people you manage. Success is always measured at the margin. You have to really know your own core values, so you know what battles you're willing to lose and which ones you'll fight to the death for. Then you figure out how to achieve your objectives working within the constraints they've placed on you. And on top of that, you have to protect the people who report to you, so they don't become disenfranchised.

 

They are unique types of challenges but I like it. Never a dull moment.

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This may sound fluffy, but today in the wee hours of the morning when I was at work, and I took a little run to get us all coffee, I was thinking about love. In a general sense.

 

The snow is piled so high along the sides of the roads, and there were a few lone people wandering around in the cold. God, it looked so desolate and stark. Yet so so beautiful. I find myself reflecting on this place a lot like that - I adore this place ,and yet the world is very big with so much beauty. There are so many kinds of beauty. I remember so many miny moments like that; snapshots of the world in my head and seems to shoot right through me and capture me inside.

 

I wondered when it became that my love got so closed. It hit me like a thunderbolt, it was when Z cheated on me. From that moment on, my heart really hardened. Why did I allow myself to do that to myself. Not even why. I DID that. And it is so poignant that was a wrong choice now.

 

Hardening the heart is maybe always a wrong choice. Because if you can't let it in, if you can't let it out, it's the 'block'. And every hatred and holding on to negatives, that's clogging up what can come in and out.

 

So I guess the concept of an open heart. Maybe love is always the right choice. Love; and let yourself process. Because it allows you to love truly. Without that truth, and that processing of what IS, we just hold on. HOld on to what ISN'T.

 

And it struck me. Maybe I can love someone without having much at all to do with them at all. I've done that before; it's the act of love. Not the feeling. Easy as pie when it's someone suffering on the street or who passes by my way.

 

So much more difficult when it's someone who was once close to me?? To adjust the love to a different frequency.

 

It's my aggression. I want to be right in there, and I like to go all the way intense in things, and if I get cut off - I've taken it very hard. To tone it down and adjust.

 

And why?! There is lots out there to put my energies into. And I don't NEED anyone to feel this - sense of love connection security. But maybe I had to learn the hard way, in order to reach this stage where I really know that. It's not mouthing the words. It's to the core; I don't NEED you. No matter how much you gave me, no matter how much I loved you, no matter how kind you once were to me.

 

I am my own person. As is everyone else. And here it is. 100% - I am ok and I am secure and I am alright with who I am. Patches of craziness and wildness and cruelty and all.

 

It's starting to get really good now. I'm remembering...what I was like before all this. Before being all messed up. I was, I am, someone worth loving. Someone worth the effort; funny how when you put the effort into yourself, that's when you really 'get it'.

 

Happy.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A journal is a good place to talk about a dream. Because we all know how much other people love hearing about our dreams. But ultimately, it's my journal for whatever I want, and this was one of those dreams that was very vivid. I learned to pay attention to my dreams, particularly after those years with nightmares, because if you ignore messages, they will simply become louder and louder and more frequent until you listen to them.

 

The main thing about the dream that I wanted to remember, because it had a very emotional component to it when I was dreaming and when I woke up, was to do with a bunny. A big fat fluffy white bunny. In real life, I don't particularly like bunnies as pets. In the dream it was the same, except this bunny was indeed my pet.

 

I don't know how it came to be, but the bunny was going to die. This I knew. I got the bunny knowing this fact. It wasn't anything I had did, nor any event, which caused it. The bunny was 'terminal' I suppose when I took her in.

 

The moment in the dream which was very vivid emotionally was the bunny dragged an empty food dish to me in her mouth Much like some dogs would do when they are hungry. Very clear message there, I am hungry, feed me!

 

I guess I had resigned myself that the bunny was going to die, and that it wasn't hungry any more, because I was surprised she had the energy to do this. I was also struck, just like I would be in real life, at the out of normal behavior of the bunny. To drag a food dish to me.

 

I thought very clearly in the dream "You are so smart. I don't want you to die." And I got really sad that I had allowed myself to believe she would die - what proof had I had? That some people had said it would be so? That she had been sick? I thought I should have behaved as though she was going to LIVE.

 

I immediately started tending to the bunny as though she were a healthy one. And she started springing back to life. Nuzzling me and hopping around and happy.

 

So I looked up 'bunny' in the dream dictionary this morning. Having no prior knowledge (far as I know) of what rabbits symbolize. Rabbits have never been a special animal to me, just a cute little creature out in the wild, and one that makes me sad when people have em as pets. But no real significance to me at all.

 

And here is what the dream dictionary came up with.

 

 

 

Call me soft skulled.....but this actually makes a lot of sense.

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[video=youtube;X31SjB0SwOI] ]

 

I ditched a baby shower today.

 

Haven't written about this in a long time. It has to do with my family.

 

There are lots of alcoholics on my mother's side of the family. And of course, some of them married alcoholics too. So. Many of my cousins grew up with alcoholic and dead beat parents. There has also been sexual abuse - that was a direct result of the alcoholism and neglect (kids were being abused and no one noticed/would do anything because they were too busy rationalizing their drinking and being drunk). Some of my cousins took up that beat; re exposing their own kids and not ever getting help for themselves.

 

So a cousin of mine recently became a father for the first time. This is the baby shower.

 

That part of the family is somewhat tribal. I don't know how else to say it. The worst aspects of tribalism; the whole of the group above everything else. Even if it means overlooking and burying and scapegoating to maintain that dysfunctional group cohesion.

 

My uncle sexually abused me when I was a teenager. I punched him in the face, kicked him, really laid a beating on him when it happened. He was and is an alcoholic. I screamed and yelled and was open about it from get go. Never hid it. It wasn't the first of incidents with that uncle. He abused a lot of kids. Including his own. My aunt stayed with him to this day. She knows damn well. He does it right in front of her and always has: making disgusting comments to kids, talking about their bodies and what he wants to do to them.

 

I had a memory of him not that long ago because I was told "oh, he is dying now. " My own mother told me this when I asked her why all of a sudden are some of them trying to get back into my life?? I've cut them off, and others in my family cut them all off too, a long time ago. I'm not involved at all, and don't want to be. I persued trying to get him properly prosecuted, and that didn't turn out with him in jail. So I've had to live life with him out there in the world, and getting to be around grandchildren and kids. You'd think that would be neough for them to leave me the hell alone; but apparently not.

 

Yeah never mind that there are a whole bunch of them that continued to be part of it all through all these years. They think that now that he is dying, they can be in my life again. F You. F You. Not the case at all. Never.

 

So I had agreed to go to that shower thinking none of those fools would be there. And at the last minute, I find out they were invited and will be going. And 'why not get a ride with one of them?'.

 

F You. Never. Really? What are you about? Does having a kid make some people lose sense again?

 

So I bailed on a baby shower. And they are squeezing in on another little babys life. And that makes me sick. What the f is wrong with people. My family.

 

Well it's not even my family now; it's just blood.

 

This is part of the reason I believe so strongly that blood doesn't mean love.

 

I guess I needed to write this today because soon, in a certain way, the chapter will be closed. But apparently the bull never stops; so long as people are continuing it. I mean when he does die. I've already been asked if I'll go to the funeral. Ok, first off, he isn't dead yet. Second of all, I don't even know.

 

I'd be really interested what people would think of that. In a way, Ifeel like i have right to be there. TO see him buried. I don't think it's disrespectful to the 'family' because the family is s/t and frankly, I'm not interested in preserving your illusions of what that man actually is.

 

It's like everyone is just waiting for him to die. It's really sick. then they think they can just carry on as though it didnt happen.

all will be solved.

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