Considering writing my dad a letter.

[Moontiger]

My family causes me a lot of stress, anxiety, and I'm pretty sure they are a HUGE factor in my on-and-off depression. Here is some of the things that have happened in the last few years alone:

 

1) My mother threatened to disown me if I went on car trip by myself.

2) My mother has been verbally, mentally, and physically (she threw a glass on water on him) abusive to my dad.

3) I was living with my sister (who told me several times a week how she wanted what was best for me and to help me etc) and watching her kid three times a week, when I was offered a full time job she did not speak to me for three days. (I turned down the job after my dad, IMO, manipulated me to. She started talking to me again)

4) I was told my a dentist I might have to get jaw surgery. When I told me sister she said, "Don't be a fool." and latter that day, "If you get it your going to have to go back home and have mom and dad take care of you." (I moved accross the country to help her and this is how she responded to me needing something).

5) Before I moved here my sister invited me to visit so she could tell me she was a lesbian and that I had to tell our parents.

 

 

Basically, my family will tell me that they wants wants best for me, to help me, etc but if it's inconvenient for them they emotionally black mail me into changing my mind and doing what they want. They do not respect my decisions and I feel constantly use me. The only time I every cry is because of them.

 

I limit my contact with them because they cause me so much stress. But when I do contact them I get chewed out for not staying in touch more. I went to mexico for a family reunion, me, my father, brother, and his wife where the only people from my side of the family to make it. I was actually feeling pretty good until the four of use had dinner alone and they started digging in to me keeping in contact more. I nearly got up a left. The next day my dad apologized for upsetting me but then went right back to the, "Call mom more, or write her emails."

 

I was thinking of writing my dad a letter expressing WHY I am so frustrated. Basically, I feel lied to, used, and like I cannot trust anyone in my family emotionally.

 

Good idea, bad idea?

 

PS, if you need more details please ask.

[meoww]

It kind of sounds like you have become the family scapegoat. There are ways to change this, and ways to protect yourself while doing so but I guess it's up to you to decide whether it is worth it to you do the work. In my experience, when it comes to people who are consistently inconsiderate and hurtful, I don't think confrontation does anything, even when it is done as gently as possible. Part of the problem is also that you are deeply hurt and it makes it harder to play therapist/ disinterested outside party to your family when your past and present traumas are on the line.

 

I think what would help, however, is if you totally brush off any insults that they hurl your way. As much as it hurts, you can't make someone love you or treat you well. Since you are stuck with them at least for now, be strong and take pride in the integrity you are building by rising above their ridiculous behavior. You'll probably find yourself growing a backbone in other situations as well.

 

Eventually, your family will probably start to pick up on a change in your attitude. If you are less reactive, they'll find it less satisfying to pick on you. From there, you can probably go about building a healthier relationship but if you are anything like me I think you'll be resentful of them deep down...I don't know what to say about that! If you can forgive them then I would be seriously impressed. Anyway, just keep in mind that it takes a long time to build new boundaries and that things can take a turn for the worse at anytime, since you are basically the only doing all the peacekeeping in the relationship. If you have never had a real confrontation in your family, you might give it an honest shot. In that case I really, really recommend finding someone else to moderate the conversation, like a therapist. Someone who is on your side and can validate your feelings! Sometimes it can make you feel crazy if you feel like you are being manipulated, used, or disrespected but it seems like it's all in your head until someone else actually sees what is going on. Also, people tend to be kinder and more understanding when they know other people are watching.

[Moontiger]

Meoww, thank you so much for your response! I was in therapy a few months back and she told me basically the same thing you are telling me here: I am the family scapegoat for anxiety.

 

I have a hard time not reacting because I get so frustrated. One time my mom called me cry and saying she would "just stop trying" to have a relationship with me if I didn't want one. This was because I had gone months without feeding into her B.S. I ended up yelling at her and telling her I would start talking to her again if she could talk to me without manipulating me. Then I talked to my dad and vented a lot of what I vented here. It didn't really make a difference though. Things go back to being the same no matter what I do.

 

I DO feel very resentful about all of this and have no clue how to move past that.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't mean or want to upset you but I am not sure I see that you are the family scapegoat from your examples. I can understand how you feel that way, but I think sometimes things come down to perception.

 

1. Yes your mom was manipulative, but I think she was very scared for your safety and didn't know how to communicate that in a healthy way.

2. Now that is not arguable. Abuse is not healthy and perpetuates an unhealthy cycle. It makes me feel very sorry for your father.

3. Did she just abruptly stop talking to you? Did you try to talk to her in that time? More details please. I can say she sounds selfish and manipulative here.

4. While I don't like the way she put it out there, I suspect that with a kid she would not be able to take care of you as your parents would be able to. So there was a valid (yet insensitive) point there.

5. Actually that's not uncommon - wanting someone else to "come out" for you with parents. Taken alone, I can understand that.

 

I am also not sure how wanting to communicate with you more is so bad either.

 

I think the way that they have communicated with you has been a big issue, though. And I understand how you feel. I do not think, however, a letter to dad would be productive. I think you might need to have a vision (a realistic one) of the kind of relationship you want with your family members. Then I think you need to have some conversations with them one-on-one about the concerns.

 

Now if you are dealing with an abusive mother, then that may never change and you may need to distance yourself. But I think setting up boundaries, very clear ones, and calmly (and persistently) and rationally stating your case when they start to be ridiculous is the best way to approach unhealthy behavior. And so that means YOU have to change, and stay changed, in the face of their regressions for a long long time.