What do I do? - Complicated ex situation

[dala23]

So long story short, this guy and I dated for 3 months and broke up. Then about a year later we got back together and dated for 1.5 years and broke up again. Both times the break up was because he grew emotionally distant.

 

Now a year after the last breakup we started talking and hanging out again. This was two months ago and to be honest it has been one of the happiest periods of my life until the last 2 weeks. We started out getting along so nicely and communicating so well; we saw each other everyday and he was so sweet and perfectly in touch with his emotions that I really got excited that this time was not going to be like the last.

 

But the situation is now more complicated than ever. He is moving half way accross the country in a month. When we discussed what we were doing he told me he cannot commit, does not want to have a long distance relationship but that he wants to keep us going as a sort of "special friends" (not as friends with benefits, we aren't sleeping together) so that maybe in the future we could have a real chance or being together. He said he doesn't want to be my boyfriend only to end up having to break up with me again, and thinks we should just see other people until this future where it may be geographically possible for us to be together. As soon as we had that conversation he started becoming distant again.

 

This really threw me off. I became really upset to think that I had for the third time fallen for him and that he still didn't want to be with me, that nothing had changed since the last time. A week ago I told him I needed some time to reset my brain to the idea that we weren't really together.

 

This last two weeks my life has been falling apart with one bad news after another. I lost one of my 2 job, got some terrible news about my financial situation (school loans) and am pretty much doubting everything I had planned for myself in the future (applying to grad school etc). I have a history of depression and I really think I have fallen into a rut again and that I should go see a psychiatrist. I know I could really use some support from him at the moment. I texted him yesterday just saying hi but he did not reply. I want so bad to call him today and ask him to hang out just to have a friend to talk to, to kind of get my mind of everything...but I am so scared that he won't pick up or will not want to meet me...My best friend (the only person I actually hung out with) recently moved away so I don't have an option of talking to a friend instead of him (yes I am not the most social person)...

 

I feel like having an emotional conversation with him could really help us not end up like the last 2 break ups where we just stop talking to each other but I am scared he will not want to have an emotional conversation. He is not the most emotional guy out there, he is usually just rational. I believe we both have strong feelings for each other, but I also think that his anxiety and my depression is really playing against us and not letting us just be happy and enjoy each other's presence. I am so scared that because I told him I needed some time to reset my brain he went back to his ex and that's why he didn't reply to my text yesterday (he always writes back). I realize I sound anxious, jealous and really stupid but I can't help it. I am really having a tough time...

 

Please give me some suggestions/opinions...anything... Should I call him and ask to hang out to attempt to make things better or just get through this tough time on my own and let him be? How can we have a heart-to-heart without any sort of pressure for either of us? Don't get me wrong, I don't want a full on relationship with him now before he leaves, but I do want a tiny bit of commitment from him, to know that he won't forget about me when he's gone, that he will at least keep me in his thoughts and not grow distance AGAIN.

 

He has recently started taking medications for anxiety (Citalopram) and told me that he has been suffering from anxiety/social anxiety his entire life and it has played a major role in our past dating history.

[Angel Irulan]

If it were me I'd go see a pdoc for the depression and forget about him. He sounds so commitment phobic, being Mr. Perfect (maybe honestly doesn't know he's doing this) because he knows he's moving accross country and you can't be in his life! Except as a web pal, or email friend. He laid it all out for you, about not being more than friends. You should NEVER ignore anyone when they say that or think you can change their mind. It's a sure way to get hurt feelings. You are not going to get any commitment from him, and I read that you are holding out for it. Don't. I don't mean to hurt you but you've tried it twice, like Liz Taylor and Richard Burton and you're simply going to have to find another guy for romance. This dude is just a man from your past.

 

So sorry you are dealing with this...the best thing to do is find someone else to go out with......

 

Angelo

[notimeman]

I would've done the same in his situation. I think he understands that the best thing to do is give you guys a break until a better time can come along. This means some sort of emotional distance. If you keep in touch while all of this goes along, it will put a strain on what you have. He wants to end in good terms so he can start it again at any point. You need to let him do his thing. He won't forget you, that's for certain. If he truly feels for you, then he won't leave you behind. He wouldn't be able to do that. Trust that his feelings for you are good and move on.

 

Out of curiosity, what caused you two to get back together a year after your 3 month relationship? Who called who? What was said? Did it end in bad terms, etc.?

[chickydoodle]

It is always so tough, when the one that can help us most is the cause of our pain.

It is a habit - to want to find emotional support from him. He may or may not be helpful........talking with him , may make you feel even lower.

I dont think you need to ask him not to forget you. You should know deep down , he will not. In verbalising your fears of this, it will ( IMO ) drive him further away emotionally.

I can see you are making excuses for him and hoping , with medications he might change. He also is making excuses for not being able to Love you in the way you deserve.

His emotional make up does suggest to me , he will cause pain for whoever he is with. I feel he needs to be on his own to mature emotionally and maybe it is a 'blessing in disguise' for you - painful tho' it is , that he is moving away.

What would I do?

- Not contact him, with the aim of seeking comfort.

-Accept and let go ( or try to )

-Make a list of what I do want from a partner.

-Using therapy, meds, books , learn again to live my life without him and once again feel joy without him.

 

When you reconnected with him and made yourself vulnerable again, you would have known there was a risk of pain. Getting back with him has proved he is not r'ship material and imo is unable to give and receive Love even to one who Loves him.

 

 

I would cut my losses and move forward as best I can.

[dala23]

Thank you for your thoughts everyone. I know deep down that I should let go, but at the same time, nothing happens to those who stop trying...?

 

notimeman - We got back together the first time mostly because of him. I tried after the breakup to get him back but when I realized it wasn't going to happen I moved on with my life. As soon as I was back on my feet and happy again - there he was asking to hang out. Same thing happened 2 months ago. I convinced myself to move on and be happy again - then after 3-4 months of NC he was telling me he missed me.

 

Also, he just texted me saying hi as soon as I opened this thread... I think I am going to keep my problems to myself though, it will probably just make him run away even more...

[dala23]

We talked a little yesterday (over text) and he told me he is still very annoyed over me getting so upset that he couldn't commit.

 

He always got annoyed very quickly (not just with me, with other people too) and would hold grudges even though he told me recently (when he was in a mood to have an emotional conversation) that he does not want to hold grudges anymore and that he is trying to improve on it but doesn't know what to do. I still haven't figured out what to do/say to make him feel better or to get him to let go after we do get into these arguments. Apologizing hasn't helped much in the past. We get into a fight and he just goes silent for days and then just grows more and more distant.

 

I would really appreciate some advice here.

[dala23]

We just talked again, he doesn't want to see me and said he's very busy. While he is indeed busy with his job right now (deadline approaching), no one is too busy for a 15 min chat.

 

I'm officially out. No more contacting him, I deleted his phone number. I may be spamming this thread instead of talking to him so I apologize in advance.

 

Once he realizes he can have anything he wants with me, he starts to run for the hills. I'm so tired of this game. It's always been this way. Are all men like this? Is love a control game for everyone or is this just a really messed up situation?