STD test...scared

[terafrank]

I'm 45 and feel like my life just SUCKS. I've been divorced..been cheated on...had a horrible medication reaction that landed me in the hospital and almost killed me...and now THIS:

 

I met a wonderful guy and he is totally in love with me. We've been seeing each other almost 2 months now.

 

I have always been concerned about safe sex, and insisted on condoms, even with my last exbf, who told me he'd been tested and was totally clean.

 

I once again insisted on condoms with the new guy.

 

As we got closer, we talked about having a committed relationship, and getting tested for STDs, so we wouldn't need condoms.

 

He got tested and everything was fine.

 

I got tested later than him, because I was out of town last week..got tested Tuesday. We stupidly engaged in risky activity cuz, even tho I hadn't been tested yet, I knew I'd played it safe, and didn't have symptoms of ANYTHING.

 

Friday, my drs office left me a msg that everything in my labs was normal. I texted him this.

 

Then my doctor calls me later in the afternoon and asks me to call her cell.

 

I do, and she says my HSV-2 test (herpes) came out *positive.*

 

I asked her if there could be a mistake. She said dunno, but we could certainly retest. I did some research and found out, with an HSV igg test (the blood test I got), if they find less than 3.5 index of antibodies, it's recommended to retest cuz it could be false positive.

 

I have no idea what my index is, and my doctor didn't know either. It sounds like the report didn't say. She left a msg with a guy at the lab, but it's the weekend so I'm not expecting to hear back.

 

I'm supposed to see my bf tomorrow. What the f do I tell him?????? I'm so distraught.

 

I looked up "herpes" on this forum and found a posting where a billion people on here said, they would never ever date someone who had herpes.

 

If I definitively have it, I think he will probably leave me and I wouldn't blame him. On the dating site where I met my bf, a guy I'd been interested in, confessed off the bat that he had it, and I politely declined to date him. Ironic, huh???

 

I feel like I should just tell him I am so so so sorry..please go get tested again and pray pray pray that i did NOT give it to him, assuming I do have it, and tell him I'm sorry, and I love him, but goodbye. It's for his own good.

 

I'm so sad right now. I can't stop crying but I feel like this is something I can't tell *anyone*. Where I live is a small "scene" and everyone knows the people who have herpes, and I can't afford to have this info get out to anyone besides my bf.

 

I have no one to talk to. Thanks for listening.

[laura-j]

Oh honey. OK. Let's break this down. 25% of the population has the herpes virus in some form, and lots of people never have an outbreak. My ex ex boyfriend had herpes and we were safe enough and I didn't get it. It didn't occur to me to break up with him when he told me. I don't believe it can be transmitted if you don't have an outbreak (I'm not a doctor though so don't know for sure). If this guy really loves you he will not go anywhere.

 

Hopefully it is a false positive and your doctor can help you figure out what behaviors are less risky. If you do have it there is supressing drugs that keep the outbreaks from occurring. It is also much less likely for a man to get it from a woman. (lucky us).

 

Try not to stress out too much, and if you have it it doesn't make you a dirty person or that you are ****ty or anything. It just happens. The partner who gave it to you probably has no idea that they had it, and it could have been literally years ago if neither of you had an outbreak.

 

Try to breathe. You'll be ok. You might want to tell him that you got this positive that could be a false positive and to retest.

 

While not ideal, I think most people wouldn't leave someone they love due to this disease.

 

Big hug!!!

[woodsrose10]

Get re-tested to confirm that the results are 100% correct. Second, I know herpes isn't pleasant ~ what STD is? ~ but doesn't herpes come & go in what are called "outbreaks"? Just have sex when you don't have an outbreak.

[poetryandlyrics]

Yes, they can still be passed on when not having an outbreak. I'd first want to get retested to make sure while refraining from anything sexual. Then I'd want to know if there is herpes, if your herpes are on the genitals when it's originally the cold sore kind, or on the lips when it is originally the gential kind. That happens sometimes and if it is, the placement is not their favorite placement and would try to refuse to show up there, wanting to be in its "home" place. And with years, would decrease its frequency of appearances. It does help if you can manage your stress well. I know a person who is usually stressed and would get it often but another person, while worries, never appears at all, not even once after the initial, not really stressed.

 

You can talk with your doctor for any possible medication to ge it under control. But yes, is it always possible for people to never have any symptoms but have std.

[terafrank]

Thank you for all the replies. In my head, I know I'm not a dirty "sl__" or anything like that..I haven't had that many partners and always used protection...I'm actually not worried so much about the physical effects..I mean, I don't even have ANY symptoms, and if I did, I'd go on the drugs...but, it's the stigma of the disease.

 

Do a search on this forum for "herpes"..you will find lots of threads where people ask, "Would you ever date someone you KNOW had herpes."

 

Look at how many people said "hail no I would never ever date someone who had it"...never mind that I bet a significant number of those people, have unknowingly had sex with someone who has either HSV1 or HSV2, since HSV1 is so common.

 

And btw, I already knew I had HSV1...last time I got tested, I tested positive for HSV1 and negative for HSV2. I never ever get cold sores, tho, so my dr said MOST of the population is positive for HSV1, and not to worry about it.

 

So, this test was specifically for HSV2.

 

My concern is that my bf won't want to put himself at risk. And even if he does, I think I will constantly be worried I might give it to him. I think it's just gonna f things up.

 

I can't wait til I can get another test and hope this is just a mistake!!!

[terafrank]

This was specifically a blood test for HSV2 that came up positive-that's the "genital" kind.

 

I will definitely refrain from having sex with my bf til I can do a re-test.

[bulletproof]

I think you should stop reading the stuff on the internet about who the world would theoretically date. I only recently dated someone with herpes for the first time. I just really liked him, and we were super careful. I was sad that we would be limited in what we could do, to some degree (I would never be able to perform oral sex on him, for example) but I just took it day by day and liked him enough that it was worth forgoing some things.

 

I've noticed that it's all about the presentation. I have a female friend who has it, and she dreads telling guys, and on top of it she hates herself for having it, so naturally that doesn't really make things easy. But the guy I dated told me very neutrally, without a lot of emotion, and let me decide whether it was bad or good.

 

And, you may not have it at all. So don't beat yourself up, and be glad it's not something that could potentially kill you.

[terafrank]

My bf really really likes oral. I can't imagine him giving that up.

 

It is just my luck, to find someone who is really into that, and now I might have to worry about giving him an STD. My life sucks.

 

I am going to be as neutral as I possibly can when I explain what's happening. After all, I don't know much. All I know is, the test came out "positive" but even my doctor suggests it might be false positive, and my bf knows me intimately enough to have seen for the last 2 months that I have no sign of disease.

 

 

 

And yes, I am grateful I don't have HIV but I wouldn't even expect to get HIV, given my sexual history and safe sex practices. THis HSV-2 thing was totally unexpected. Now I find out, you can totally get it WITH a condom.

 

Why do people even have sex anymore? I guess cuz they don't realize they can still get this awful virus no matter how safe they try to play it..

[terafrank]

I can't handle this..I've been texting with my boyfriend..he is so sweet to me, and he doesn't even know I may have this...I am waiting til I see him.

 

I can't stop crying because I don't want to lose him!

[chitown9]

I can't handle this..I've been texting with my boyfriend..he is so sweet to me, and he doesn't even know I may have this...I am waiting til I see him.

 

I can't stop crying because I don't want to lose him!

 

You need to quit beating yourself up. I know it is agonizing to have to wait for the retest, but that is what you have to do....no sense in anticipating that the retest will show positive. Just sit tight and see what the results are before you go off on a tangent. If the test comes back positive, then come back on here and we will advise you further as to to to broach the subject with your boyfriend. His reaction will be influenced by your presentation in breaking the news, but right now, we don't even know if there will even be such a conversation. Please try not to get yourself so wound up. We are here to listen.....

[terafrank]

Thank you for the help.

 

Should I tell him when I see him tomorrow? I don't want to have sex with him, when my results are up in the air.

 

Should I cancel on him and wait til I do a 2nd test to see him??

 

I so don't know how to handle this correctly. I haven't seen him since Wednesday and he is so excited for us to spend time together tomorrow.

 

You need to quit beating yourself up. I know it is agonizing to have to wait for the retest, but that is what you have to do....no sense in anticipating that the retest will show positive. Just sit tight and see what the results are before you go off on a tangent. If the test comes back positive, then come back on here and we will advise you further as to to to broach the subject with your boyfriend. His reaction will be influenced by your presentation in breaking the news, but right now, we don't even know if there will even be such a conversation. Please try not to get yourself so wound up. We are here to listen.....

[chitown9]

 

Should I tell him when I see him tomorrow? I don't want to have sex with him, when my results are up in the air.

 

Should I cancel on him and wait til I do a 2nd test to see him??

 

I so don't know how to handle this correctly. I haven't seen him since Wednesday and he is so excited for us to spend time together tomorrow.

 

I would not see him until you know the results of the retest. Tell him that you would like to see him, but can't just now, but you will explain why that is later. Either way, he will understand your reason when you tell him you took a retest and were waiting for the results, but don't tell him now. If the retest proves that you are ok, you would tell him and if the retest affirms the original test you will tell him. So, either way he will understand the reason for no contact after the fact. Just my 2 cents.....chi

[terafrank]

I'm going to ask my doctor for a Western Blot test--according to the research I've done, it's the most accurate. It may take a while for the results.

 

I would not see him until you know the results of the retest. Tell him that you would like to see him, but can't just now, but you will explain why that is later. Either way, he will understand your reason when you tell him you took a retest and were waiting for the results, but don't tell him now. If the retest proves that you are ok, you would tell him and if the retest affirms the original test you will tell him. So, either way he will understand the reason for no contact after the fact. Just my 2 cents.....chi

[terafrank]

This is my bf's vacation, and I feel like I'm ruining it. He just went on an 11-day vacation, starting today. We were supposed to be having fun on it, and now this is going to ruin it.

[bulletproof]

My bf really really likes oral. I can't imagine him giving that up.

 

It is just my luck, to find someone who is really into that, and now I might have to worry about giving him an STD. My life sucks.

 

I know you're scared, but regardless of what the result is, you really have to stop saying that your life sucks. It's an extremely negative mindset, and it's not going to serve you well. Your life is what you make of it, and that includes what you make of this disease if you do in fact have it. Also, I wrote about forgoing oral sex because I cannot imagine doing that to a guy when he's wearing a condom. But for a man to do it with a woman, he only needs to use a tiny barrier (at least, to my knowledge), which is not nearly as invasive or difficult.

[terafrank]

Probably a dental dam. Who wants to do that? That's no pleasure for the guy at all. My bf likes the fluids and all that. And that's the last thing I want to expose him to, now.

 

I know you're scared, but regardless of what the result is, you really have to stop saying that your life sucks. It's an extremely negative mindset, and it's not going to serve you well. Your life is what you make of it, and that includes what you make of this disease if you do in fact have it. Also, I wrote about forgoing oral sex because I cannot imagine doing that to a guy when he's wearing a condom. But for a man to do it with a woman, he only needs to use a tiny barrier (at least, to my knowledge), which is not nearly as invasive or difficult.

[terafrank]

I appreciate the words of support. I really do. But you have no idea what this is like..I've had some awful relationships, with guys that gave me red flags..my current bf..everything has just felt so right with him. No red flags..he makes me feel comfortable. And now I am bringing this into his life. He doesn't deserve this.

[tiredofvampires]

There are condoms that are advertised as not having a latex-y smell or taste (not that I've tried them), and certainly, non-latex condoms won't have that smell or taste. There are all kinds of sex paraphernalia sites that sell dental dams for use on a woman. Some of these may be quite sheer (as are some non-latex condoms.) There are also flavored lubes.

 

You can also cut any condom lengthwise to create your own barrier, instead of a dental dam. The only thing you may have to deal with is the lube on it. If it were me, I'd just cut them and wash them off.

 

This is certainly not ideal, but remember you're using plastic if you're using a sex toy...so this is still more personal.

 

You know, if you have HSV1, theoretically, you can give it to him during a bj, the same way you can transmit HSV2. (And yes, both strains can be transmitted even in the absence of symptoms.) So, many people are running that risk in this world. If you want to be perfectly sure you never transmit or catch an STD, the only way is abstinence.

 

But I agree that first you need to get as accurate results as possible. A consultation from an infectious disease specialist may be helpful.

 

One thing I would also suggest is that when you do talk to him about this, make sure his doctor tested him for both types of herpes, because some doctors are not that thorough, and it's possible he said he was clean without having a full battery done on him. I actually had such frank conversations with my ex, we shared actual test results (the paperwork.) It was mutually desired, so no one was hurt or offended.

 

As an aside, you can get HPV with condoms, too. Just wanted to share that, in case you didn't know, because in your OP, you seemed to think a blood test ruled out everything, and with a man, there is no test for HPV (and it's spread via skin contact, like herpes.)

 

One of my really good friends (male) started dating a woman who told him up front that she has it, and it didn't deter him. And that was in the very beginning, too! He's just been super careful and used protection religiously with everything they do. They're still together, and it's been a few years.

 

I think a lot of people would say in the abstract they wouldn't want to date someone with herpes (or any STD, for that matter), but under the right circumstances, with the right person, they would rethink that. Especially if this guy already is invested in you and loves you. That's different than someone who doesn't know you from Adam.

 

I do think you should take deep breaths and withhold your judgment until you know more. I agree with not telling him until you have results, but the Western Blot could take longer as you say, and if he's in the dark with a growing mystery for very long, I think that's not advisable. If it's more than a couple of weeks, I would tell him what it's about. That's just me. Unless you have another ingenious excuse that would not make him feel left in the dark.

 

Normally, I'm a really upfront person and say whatever is going on, and just trust that a person of worth will be able to hear what I have to say, and handle it in a mature way. That's a good test of them, too. Which is why I wouldn't drag this on too long. But in a shorter timeframe, there's something to be said for wanting to give news when you KNOW the news, as it's pointless for him to get anxious now, too.

[Will D Ness]

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I know it is difficult. It does sometimes seem that when something does finally go our way, it changes quickly to be a challenge. There is an old Hebrew scripture somewhere that says endurance produces hope. When this blows over, and it most definitely will, you'll find that you have a larger capacity for hope and love.

 

But a previous poster is right-you have to stop saying your life sucks. Why? Because it doesn't. Go to link removed and learn all you can. What I think you'll find is that this challenge is very, very common and very, very manageable. There is no reason whatsoever it should have the power to ruin what has given you such great joy.

 

Smile, my friend. You are going to see the sunshine again very soon. And when you do, you'll be proud of yourself when you can look back and see that you handled it with great grace. Hang in there.

 

All the best.

[terafrank]

I know..that is my dilemma. If I make him wait, I will run out of excuses and he might start thinking I don't love him anymore or something.

 

If i tell him now, he might be needlessly anxious, as you say. His test was negative, but if I am positive, he will have to get re-tested. Ugh, I wish I had never slept with anyone..ever.

[terafrank]

Thank you so much for your kind words.

 

I have been through so much..just when I thought life couldn't throw any more curve balls at me, this happens. I just don't know anymore..happiness just seems to be a short-lived thing for me.

[terafrank]

I mean.. I lost my husband. I lost most of my savings. I lost my job. I almost lost my life, at one point. I have steadily tried to rebuild my life, but nothing good ever seems to last

[tiredofvampires]

Having had a few scares myself, I really do feel your pain.

 

But I'm willing to bet that if he's as sweet and into you as you say, you'd be surprised to find that he would feel as bad about how you're torturing yourself right now as the prospect that he MAY have it.

 

Also, remember, it was also his decision to have unprotected sex with you before he had your test results. So his self-protection was also his responsibility, and that's how I'd be feeling if I were in his shoes.

 

This is not to lay blame on anyone, it's just to say you're not some kind of curse that befell him, like a plank falling on someone's head.

 

Stop trying to get into his mind before you even know what the lay of the land is, and how he will react. You are not responsible for his reactions, nor his decisions. He's a big boy and will be free to make up his own mind if and when he even has to worry about anything.

 

At some point -- and only you know when that point is -- you may have to tell him what's going on, and level. But that's something a decent person would appreciate, that you're keeping him safe and being responsible. He may love you even more for that. Again, do not do the thinking for him.

[Will D Ness]

I mean.. I lost my husband. I lost most of my savings. I lost my job. I almost lost my life, at one point. I have steadily tried to rebuild my life, but nothing good ever seems to last

 

So, to recap: You didn't lose all your savings and you didn't lose your life? That's great! Good start, huh? You can only react to life out of fear or love. It seems like you're reacting out of fear right now and that is tainting your perspective on everything. You have a right to be anxious but you have a responsibility not to let that anxiety overwhelm you and take you into despair. C'mon. You can do this!

[terafrank]

I'm trying... I'm really trying...

 

So, to recap: You didn't lose all your savings and you didn't lose your life? That's great! Good start, huh? You can only react to life out of fear or love. It seems like you're reacting out of fear right now and that is tainting your perspective on everything. You have a right to be anxious but you have a responsibility not to let that anxiety overwhelm you and take you into despair. C'mon. You can do this!