Advice needed about so called BAGGAGE...

[Hayley066]

Okay so before I start this I just want to make it clear that people have alternative opinions on children than me and I respect that however I strongly believe in mine.

 

So me and my bf have been going out for around 7 months its not all been smooth sailing but right now everything is fine between us. He has had some personal issues involving drink during the last year meaning he has not been able to see his 6 year old son. Now he is much more stable, today he has been allowed to travel back to his home town to see his son. We talked about it earlier on in the relationship and agreed that for the first couple of times he see's him that it should be just he and his son as its been a while since he's seen him. Therefore I am currently sat at home and for some reason I feel unsettled. I feel like this will bring big changes to the relationship between us as I have never felt comfortable around children and for some reason I just feel really angry around them perhaps because they are so dependent and unaware of their doings, basically I just find them totally annoying and unbearable. I want the best for my bf and have supported him throughout the battle to gain access again however I just dont feel enthusiastic about actually meeting the kid. I dont know how to deal with this situation because I dont want to lose my bf however I dont want to seem uninterested or have to be fake around his kid all the time. Obviously I've known from the start about his son and always thought in my head 'ill deal with it when it comes around' now its here and happening and dont know what to do about it.

 

Advice is warmly welcomed

[Batya33]

"Meeting the kid" -that is really how you refer, even to yourself, about your boyfriend's son? I think it's fine that you don't want to be around children. Your bf doesn't have baggage- he's a daddy. With one son. Who is 6 and especially at an age where he needs his daddy. It's great that you can be honest with yourself and if you don't feel you can put on a smile and enthusiasm around his son then he is not the right guy for you and it's not fair to the child. You will never be the child's mother or mother figure but I think if you're with him long term you do have to be supportive and caring of both of them.

 

Think about whether you want people to be really angry around you if you ever become dependent and/or unaware of their doings (which actually isn't true about a typically developing 6-year olds -they're not "unaware") - would that bother you if you became very ill and triggered that much anger in people who were in your family or part of your circle of friends? Believe me I am not asking you to like children or to be involved with children in the least, just commenting on one of your reasons for feeling angry around chidlren.

 

It all depends on your priorities but I think your priority has to be embracing that his priority is and should be his little boy. He's so lucky to have him (which is an understatement) even if you can't relate to that sort of blessing. And good for him for resolving his drinking issues and getting the privilege of being with his little boy.

[amipushy]

It sounds to me that mental picture of some 'horrible little boy' who will be a brat, playing up, having tantrums and nagging for attention in your mind, and sure sometimes he may be like that, its what kids do. But, if you actually meet him and see how they are together, particularly in moments when he is having fun with his dad, playing football together in the park etc, and in more tender moments when he ready for bed and settling down with a story you will see how much love a child can bring and how much warmth and tenderness a man can feel towards his child. It is quite something to behold and will warm your soul.

 

This child is not a threat to your relationship, he will enrich your bfs life, and because of that, he will enrich yours too. Tell your bf that you are worried, tell him that you are afraid of the future and what it might hold, explain that you are nervous and ask if its ok (when the time is right) to just say hello and build up from there. You have nothing to lose by doing that.

[Hayley066]

Okay so it pretty clear you like kids. In my opinion kids are not blessings, he's his kid not mine. How involved do I have to be? There's gotta be some middle ground hasnt there? Im not saying the kid dosent need his dad thats obvious and why I traveled accross the country with him to the social appointments. Also Im more proud of my bf than anyone for overcoming his drink problem, trust me Ive dealt with that one with him. What Im saying is dont you believe there is a situation where I dont have to be so involved with his kid. Im glad hes seeing him again, its my involvement and the way I might act towards the kid which bothers me. How am I supposed to care for a kid when I dont like kids any kids not just his.

[Hayley066]

I appreciate your reply and I can see where your coming from. I have seen the bond between kids and parents before and how they have fun together etc but 100% honestly thats not something for me personally that does anything for me. I think the only thing I can do at this point is see how it progresses and try my best???

[amipushy]

Absolutely. You really dont have anything to lose. I think a quick hello to him on the first meeting is a reasonable request especially as you have never met him. It might also ease some of your fears.

[lavenderdove]

Children can and do immensely change people's lifestyles and interests, so you are right to acknowledge that accepting this child is a big change for you.

 

But you also have to acknowledge that his role as a father is something that just isn't going to go away, and that his child is a lifetime commitment. You can always get another BF, but this man is this child's father and has a special role in the child's life and your BF will need to spend time and resources on him that will not be devoted to you and which will frequently be counter to your own needs or desires.

 

So you will eventually have to make peace with this or else recognize you need to break up and find a man who doesn't have or want children either.

 

But at the same time, you haven't even met the child yet. You might be surprised to discover you enjoy the child and get attached to him (or you might not), but there is no way of knowing until you've spent some time together. I have known cases where people don't like kids in general, but when they get to know a particular child, they can discover that children are not all interchangeable parts in the same way adults are all different. I don't like bratty children either (who does), but find some children absolutely charming and wonderful people in their own rights and find them a pleasure to be around rather than any kind of burden.

 

the other thing is if he is a non-custodial Dad, he will have to give some time to the child but not all his time so you will still have your BF to yourself most of the time. the amount of time he spends with the child is probably no more than the amount of time a lot of men spend on watching sports, working, or other hobbies they have, so his involvement there may in the end be no different in terms of amount of time than some man who is obsessed with football!

 

And if he already has a son, he won't be putting pressure on your to have kids, which works to your advantage if you don't want to have them yourself.

 

So if you really love the father, i'd first work on dropping the resentment that he has a child because that is a waste of time since the kid exists and isn't going to go away. It is what is is, so work on accpeting that. Then give the child a chance to see how you get along with him or not. And don't be angry with the child for existing, trying to recognize that a kid is a PERSON, a little person, but growing every day and someone you might find something in common with and eventually enjoy having around, even if you're not as invested/attached as a parent might be. You don't have to adore the child, but you do need to make peace with this situation and not hold it against the child that he is a child and in your BF's life.

[pippy longstocking]

hayley I feel this ....

 

It is going to be a big big change in many many ways and as adults we are expected to act as adults with no

feelings of jelousy or anger towards kids ..

 

anyway back to the real world ...

 

if only it where that simple ..and I am grabbing bits over my life from friends/work friends/family/ etc etc and it should not ever be a given that a child will brighten everyones life ...a child does not make everything harmonious and people suffer

very real problems with jelousy etc etc

 

I am not saying your jelous by the way ..but usisng that as an example ...I know of men who can't go to the house to pick kids up because the new b/friend wont allow it , of women who go out all weekend rather than do things with thier partners kids ...it's a minefield

 

I know at least 8 people in my circle who would not date a person who had a kid who was not an adult.

 

so I think it is understandable that you recognise ...yes , your life is going to change..

 

not everyone likes kids as well , so please don't feel like your a bad person if you dont like kids or clash with him ,

they are still people with their own ways and personalities and some kids are little ***** and thats all there is to it.

 

I think your been very real about this and your armed with the fact that this is life changing ..and through that recognition

you will probably be absolutely fine ..your not kidding yourself , which makes you ready to take this head on and give

it a go.

 

 

be open about how you will feel , how the kid feels and how you will all feel as a unit, and always remember at the back of your mind that the kid is looking to take a lead from you ..his little head will be thinking "what the hell is going on" and looking to you for the rules and the terms of all this ...try and see this as exciting and fun ..relax and let it happen ...and I hope so much this is the start of many happy family weekends x

[pippy longstocking]

Hayley , the not getting involved is doable ,of course it is ...however I see potential problems with this as well ..

 

your b/friend may resent you for not wanting to be a unit , he may not be able to relate at all to the fact you

just don't want any part in this. He may also struggle with it because you have been so supportive in the lead up

to this.

he maybe fine , and see this as his special time with him , and your time to do your thing .

 

You feelings may also start to feel quite resentful if you don't build anything with the boy , he may become

more of a burden on your mind .

 

I just see yourself getting into a place full of bad feeling and if you could at least give this a go you may find it easier

than the other way.

[FreedomRing]

Hayley,

 

Do yourself, your bf, and his kid a HUGE favor and exit stage left, pronto. This is one of these situations where life just isn't fair. You fell in love with a guy who does have 'baggage' in the form of a living, breathing, human being. You're not to blame for your feelings towards children, and in turn, your apprehension towards being around his son, just as he is not to blame for deserving to be with someone who actually has a more positive view of children, then you have. No one is right or wrong in this case. It's a more of a matter of what people deserve... Yes you knew about him having a child, and it sounds like he only sees him part-time but TRUST ME when I say, if you put stock into only having to be around the child just a few times, this would be a huge disservice to everyone involved. Ask yourself this...what if circumstances changed and the son came to live with him FULL-TIME...how would you feel? It's ok to not like kids..totally fine...but that makes this guy not the one for you. No matter how fantastic you two are together.

 

I think it makes much more sense for you to only date child-less guys. Everyone has baggage, but it's being able to identify what kinds of baggage you're willing to deal with that is TRULY key when dating/falling in love. (I've been in this situation before, with feelings very similar to yours, and had to learn the hard way). He's not the guy for you, hun.

[Hayley066]

It has crossed my mind to just end it now and avoid any turmoil, ive been in relationships before like this but not so serious, and just walked away. This one however feels less simple, my bf and I have been through so much throughout his recovery from alcohol and we kind of compliment each other well when times are difficult. This makes me feel like I should not be selfish and at least try for his benefit because he loves me too. But if it got to the point where I was unhappy then that would make him unhappy too in some way, so then I would walk away. I feel I have to give it a go, cant keep running away from children because like you said he's here and he's not going anywhere, don't think I can keep avoiding kids the rest of my life, not realistic or healthy is it?? I'll make the effort because my bf deserves it, but if it doesn't work out im going to make sure im prepared to walk away. For now though, im just going to take it slow and try and accept the kid as difficult as it is for me, makes me awkward just thinking about it but oh well.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I do not like children and never wanted any of my own. I would not date someone with children. At this point in my life, most people in the age range I would date would probably now have adult children so it would no longer be an issue for me...however, then comes being subjected to the grandchildren which I know I won't have the tolerance for...however that is easier to avoid since grandparents do not have the major responsibility over the children. If you really don't like being around children then you should not be dating someone with children...having a child impacts lifestyle.

[Hayley066]

I dont like a lot of things but I still do them or try to conquer them. Isn't it better to try and make an effort than let myself be beaten by my dislike for children, I'm never going to know if my opinion will change if I keep running away and never confronting it. Plus my bf has brought me tonnes of happiness so maybe me trying is a way of showing him how much I love him. Is this me just being too positive and delusional here or what??

[pippy longstocking]

No haley you are right

 

go for it

 

give this a damn good shot ..

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I dont like a lot of things but I still do them or try to conquer them. Isn't it better to try and make an effort than let myself be beaten by my dislike for children, I'm never going to know if my opinion will change if I keep running away and never confronting it. Plus my bf has brought me tonnes of happiness so maybe me trying is a way of showing him how much I love him. Is this me just being too positive and delusional here or what??

 

It is not the same as trying hiking to see if you can convince yourself to like it. If you get introduced to the child and your discomfort is apparent, the child will feel it. You can't force yourself to tolerate and like a child...the child will sense the forced nature of it and that won't be good for the child.

 

So what big things has your boyfriend done for you. You stuck by him as he dealt with his alcoholism. It seems to me you are willing to make a ton of sacrifices to your way of life for him but what has he really done for you? Many alcoholics relapse down the road..are you prepared for that? Are you prepared if he relapses while he has the child and you have to be the sole responible one for this child? If you are already having doubts about wanting to deal with a child, what happens if suddenly that child becomes your responsibility if your bf's alcoholism relapses and the mother of the child is not readily available. Unfortunately love does not conquer all...there are practical issues to consider. My concern is that you are so willing to sacrifice yourself for the sake of having a relationship with a guy who has a history of alcoholism, couldn't see his child because of it, and you are not even that crazy about children.

[pippy longstocking]

hayley

 

 

Are you in love with your man ?

Do you feel you are ready to walk away and never see him again ?

Do you believe this is worth the effort on your part to at least try , he has feelings and to finally kick the alcohol , see his son

but lose you as a result ....that's a bitter pill to swallow . That wasn't supposed to sound like

emotional blackmail , I just want you to look at the bigger picture and answer these questions to youself honestly.

 

You posted for opinions and you have a fab assortment of very different opinions , but in the dead of night it

is only you who can answer to your own decisions .

[Batya33]

I think it's fine to try just avoid having any sleepover situations where the child is there or spending too much time with the child since children get easily attached and you want the safety net of being able to leave if you confirm your dislike of and annoyance around children.

[Hayley066]

Yes I do love my bf more than I've ever loved anyone. Ad he has done so much for me as I have for him it's not jut one sided where I sacrifice everything for him, he has sacrificed big things for me too. Im a logical person and I would only walk away from him if I was direly unhappy as it would effect him and his son. But as it stands I haven't even met his son yet so walking away from him now would be an early anticipation of what's to come. My bf has been through many lapses but we always see the end goal and put things into perspective to stay focused. I know a lot about alcoholics from other personal experiences and giving up on someone because they have a weakness is not something I believe in.

He can back from seeing his son yesterday and was in an amazing mood, he was so happy and I actually didn't mind hearing about his day and about his son because of his delight. But let me get this straight I was neither here nor there about hearing about his son, it didn't make me angry or particularly happy which is to expect. However I am more focused on the fact that I wasn't resentful or angry which I thought I would be.

The be all and end all for now is that giving up is not someone I am. I love him and he loves me and right at this moment there is not bad feelings on my behalf although still apprehensive about meeting his son I suppose that's to be expected.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I know a lot about alcoholics from other personal experiences and giving up on someone because they have a weakness is not something I believe in.

 

I hope that doesn't mean that one of your parents was an alcoholic. If so then you are choosing to be with someone who mimics the way you grew up. Many children of alcholics end up with an alcoholic spouse and try to to "save him/her".