Girlfriend is not physically affectionate anymore. She's feeling smothered :(

[november1]

What do you do when you're in love with someone and you feel them slipping away?

 

My girlfriend must be feeling smothered, but I don't understand it. I only kiss her once or twice a day, and she just wants a quick kiss on the lips. When I don't initiate, I'm lucky to get a half-hug.

 

Sex is infrequent (2-3x/month), passionate kissing rarely happens outside of sex, and overall, she doesn't want much to do with me (physically) other than a hug and a quick kiss.

 

It wasn't always like this, and I'm not behaving any differently than the beginning of our relationship when we were at it all the time. I have a great job/business, work hard, take her on trips around the world, take her out to nice or fun places regularly, show her love and support, listen to her, pay attention to her needs, have my own life, take care of myself physically/emotionally and feel like I'm a balanced, good-looking catch.

 

She just doesn't seem to have that spark for me anymore even though we play, laugh, have fun together, and occasional/rare moments of passion.

 

I've tried everything from backing off, to giving her affection as she describes, doing subtle favors, you name it, I've tried it, mostly without even telling her what I'm doing. Nothing has an impact, and she just seems to want me for a few kisses per week, one or two hugs each day and sex a couple times a month.

 

I'm desperately starved for affection, but can't give her any more than I do (or she says I'm smothering her), or ask for any (because then I'm needy).

 

What can I do with this?

 

I'm sad, lonely and in a long-term relationship.

[RitaTrue]

Here's a few questions that come to mind here:

 

-When you back off, How long do you back off from your girlfriend?

 

-Also, do you live together?

 

-How long've you been in a relationship?

[DanDee]

I hate to say it but judging by this thead and others you have made, this girl just sees you as a meal-ticket. Things aren't going to change. If I were in your position I would look towards letting her go and finding somebody as equally affectionate and loving.

[november1]

In response to your questions:

 

- When I back off, I pull away for days or weeks. I behave the same way (funny, playful, etc.) but remove initiating physical affection. It doesn't seem to change her needs at all (which are next to nothing).

 

- We live together (have been for about 4 years)

 

- We've been together for over 4.5 years

[sweetgirl22]

This behaviour doesn't make sense to me as a woman. Sometimes when I am stressed and tired I don't feel like having sex but I always feel like cuddling and kissing. It sounds like she has some kind of intimacy problem. I would ask her why she feels smothered. Maybe there was some abuse that happened in her past and it's memory has been somehow triggered and therapy would help her. If it's not that or depression or anything then maybe she has lost that spark for you, but finds it difficult to let the relationship go because you are a caring, responsible guy which is hard to find these days.

[Ms Darcy]

What do you want and what are you willing to do to get it?

 

If you really want more affection you need to have a heart to heart with her and tell her this is not working for you. If she cannot work on it, then this relationship is not right for you.

[Thorshammer]

I was the girl in your situation in my relationship (and that somehow switched roles and i become you), i have also been in your shoes in other relationships. You are with a complicated person, and you need experience to handle them, and even then there is no promise that things will get better.

 

Now, 2x3 a month isnt that bad after 4 years, some people just arent sex machines after a few years. I was in a relationship where it was 1 time every 1 or 2 months, which i consider bad, but thats just my opinion. You dont seem to have it that bad, few kisses per week, a few hugs per day, sex a couple times of month. Maybe i am judging without details, but it seems like you are too needy with your countdown of physical contact. I have been in a relationship where i have sex 3 times a day, then gradually dies down, experienced people know this.

 

If you are needy, then this will be a common theme with many women- take it from me, take it from the breakup forums on this site, this will not go well. Needy men are not attractive. Dont wait on hand and foot for her, do your own thing, learn to say no, and learn to get out of the house, and learn to push away a little bit (this doesnt only include sex). If you want to show passion, show it as a reward for being on good relationship standings, not to appease her or because you need reassurance from her.

 

Her attempts for you to shower her with attention is common for many people, it could be a reaction to you pushing away (which means you cave in and return to chasing- which returns you right back to the cycle), or she has that small moment of affection.

 

I just think attraction is taking a hit, regardless if you believe you are needy or not. Strong attraction is what fuels physical contact, be it from physical attraction, or the attraction from comfort and behavior.

 

This happens quite a lot in marriages. I have a few friends that are going through this.

[Miss Firecracker]

There is nothing you can do to make a woman change her feelings for you. The harder you try, the more she will pull away. Just relax, take what she gives, and when you decide you can't live with this, move on.

[gilmond]

Buy a dog if you need more affection. Getting a pet always help because they give you unconditional love.

[november1]

Very good points made above.

 

I think I'm at the point where the lack of equal love and affection is a deal-breaker unless things change.

 

I know her love for me is genuine, and she has expressed wanting to spend a lifetime together, both in the past and again recently. However, I just feel physically and emotionally neglected - it's as though her openness and attraction to me from the beginning is entirely gone. At this point, I never get the feeling that she truly needs or wants me the same way I feel toward her. It used to be the same, but now she has become more independent and rejects my attempts to be affectionate or loving just about every day.

 

I know I won't be happy if things continue the way they are. At the same time, in past conversations we've had about this topic, she has said she's just not a very sexual person and we're two different people. I have asked as kindly as possible for her to work toward meeting my needs while I adapt to meet her equally. She essentially said that her needs are for me to be less affectionate while my needs are more affection from her - she's indicating there is no solution. Nothing has changed on her end despite my efforts to try both ends of the spectrum (being affectionate all the way to being my same kind self, just not physically affectionate).

 

Does this mean she's incapable of change? If I share how important equal love and affection is for me, to the point of being willing to let her and our relationship go over her not trying to work on it, is that going to give her any wake-up call or is she more likely to accept or be relieved?

 

I hate feeling like I want this relationship to work yet she's not willing to change.

[Fantanos]

Sounds like she knows no matter what you will just keep on trying. This is a tough one, it might take a break to see what her true feelings are.

[Doc Blaze]

this is what my gf did before she finally broke up with me...sucks..you need to talk to her about it..

[Ms Darcy]

You should indeed tell her you are willing to leave if things don't change.

[wellworthatry]

Hey November, what has happened??? I did a Google search looking for answers to my own situation, and could not have typed your threads more accurately!!! That is my situation exactly... I noticed the date stamp and am curious what has happened?!?! (Gday from Australia...) Any advice greatly appreciated...

[november1]

Hey there wellworthatry,

 

Things have been interesting this past year. I got to the point where I was basically willing to let everything go. I decided that I couldn't be in a relationship for a lifetime that wasn't fulfilling my needs, while I was compromising in so many ways to meet her needs.

 

By communicating very calmly and clearly, and being willing to let the relationship go if she couldn't step up (without me pressuring in any way), she started making some effort.

 

I won't go as far as saying things are perfect, nor are my sexual needs being met all the time, but it's certainly better than it was last year.

 

That said, I still don't know if things will work out or not. She simply has a lower drive than me and she's not going to change. She takes care of my physical needs sometimes even when she's not thrilled, but she knows it makes me happy.

 

I'm really at the point that I have no expectations of this relationship working out or not. I'm doing my best to be open, loving and communicate often in a clear, friendly way. I just don't know if we're on the same page for a lifelong commitment.

 

Hope your situation improves.

[hopefully]

Start detaching from her slowly, because she's doing the same and sooner or later she will dump you. Until you completely detach use her as much as you can for sex.

[november1]

What makes you so sure she will dump me in the future?

 

I agree that she is detaching from me in certain ways, but she feels like isn't happy with who she is as an individual and needs to strengthen herself so she can add more love to the relationship. While part of me wants to believe this, I also feel like she could be taking me for granted.

 

I have been putting up my guard emotionally for quite some time now to protect myself. I wish she was passionate like the first few years, but I know the honeymoon phase can't last forever.

 

I just have such strong love for her. Maybe it's just my own delusion of the past version of her.

[metrogirl]

What makes you so sure she will dump me in the future?

 

I agree that she is detaching from me in certain ways, but she feels like isn't happy with who she is as an individual and needs to strengthen herself so she can add more love to the relationship. While part of me wants to believe this, I also feel like she could be taking me for granted.

 

I have been putting up my guard emotionally for quite some time now to protect myself. I wish she was passionate like the first few years, but I know the honeymoon phase can't last forever.

 

I just have such strong love for her. Maybe it's just my own delusion of the past version of her.

 

Because women that love their men, don't detach from them. She's detached for a reason and just because you two are still together doesn't mean anything. She's still detached one way or another.

[november1]

Makes sense. I guess I have to either live in a state of detachment where she is selfish and doesn't give me all of herself...or let her (and us) go.

 

Is there anything that would make her want to re-attach...so we could go back to the way things used to be?

[metrogirl]

Makes sense. I guess I have to either live in a state of detachment where she is selfish and doesn't give me all of herself...or let her (and us) go.

 

Is there anything that would make her want to re-attach...so we could go back to the way things used to be?

 

Getting to the root of her detachment is a good start. There has to be underlying reasons why she's the way she is.

[november1]

We talk quite often. She doesn't enjoy it when the conversation goes to challenging topics, but I'm all about open, calm communication.

 

She claims the detachment is due to being unsure about herself, who she is, and she feels like she can't fully invest in me/us until she's happy with herself first.

 

She says she loves me and envisions a life together with a family, etc., but basically she has to be a bit selfish right now while she's figuring herself out...and that she's scared by all of society's pressures to have it all sorted.

[metrogirl]

^^ That sounds like a complete cop out. If she needs to sort anything out then she should do it on her own without compromising a relationship.

[november1]

I agree. It doesn't sit well with me either. I feel like she could do both - sort herself out and be in the relationship with love and adoration.

 

She has pulled away emotionally and physically...but I'm having a hard time determining if it's just the honeymoon phase or deep, fundamental issues.

 

Based on all of this, do you thing anything will bring her back to where we used to be?

 

I'm still the same loving me.

[Ms Darcy]

Makes sense. I guess I have to either live in a state of detachment where she is selfish and doesn't give me all of herself...or let her (and us) go.

 

deleted ...

[hopefully]

We talk quite often. She doesn't enjoy it when the conversation goes to challenging topics, but I'm all about open, calm communication.

 

She claims the detachment is due to being unsure about herself, who she is, and she feels like she can't fully invest in me/us until she's happy with herself first.

 

She says she loves me and envisions a life together with a family, etc., but basically she has to be a bit selfish right now while she's figuring herself out...and that she's scared by all of society's pressures to have it all sorted.

 

She's lying. Buddy you're about to get dumped.