Just need to get this all out - feel like I'm going to SNAP

[sonicfan287]

This whole thing is so convoluted but I just need to pour it all out there, hopefully one last time... I've been depressed before, I've been angry before, I've felt anxiety and all of that unpleasant bull**** quite a few times but right now I'm just feeling a mix of all of it and usually it goes away if I do something like this (posting online or talking to friends) so I'm hoping this helps and I'm very sorry for this non-sensical rant... I know how many more "real" problems there are in the world... and the bad economy and others who are in physical or emotional pain and not just myself. I should realize how lucky I am to have a family and to have a good home and all of that and I truly do realize and appreciate those things. I'm thinking that these last couple of days have just been "off" days for me or maybe my Viibryd isn't as effective as it was when I first started taking it...

 

I'm a 23 yr old guy, who lives at home with his parents. I've been going to college since 2006 , this'll be my 7th year and I just feel so much shame... and sometimes hatred towards myself because I feel like I'm better than this, in fact I KNOW I am, and have seen myself accomplish amazing things in a short time. In March 2012, my long-time girlfriend broke up with me... and it wasn't the first time. She had broken up with me 2 other times... she's always been so cold about it and I was such an idiot to take her back and would probably take her back again but I know that won't happen... she's realized the truth, that I'll always be around and because of that, she had no choice but to cut me off for good pretty much (in the past, we had stayed friends) so I haven't heard from her since her cold phone call on March 7th... she got a new boyfriend like the same week and I know it was the guy she had been hanging around with the entire last month we were together, so I know she cheated on me (well I don't know, but what difference does it even make? she's off with him, im sure) and I'm just tired of being treated like this...

 

So you may be wondering "what am I doing about it?" Well I actually have been taking steps which is making this more frustrating but I'm trying to get myself under control. Also, I should mention in March, I attempted suicide... I felt like (and still feel like) my ex was this amazing person that I'll never have back and the reason she said we broke up is because we were "too different" and I'm not confirming or denying that may have been true but I know that wasn't the real reason. We've both known each other for a long time, we know what we each enjoy and had more than enough in common to make it work, our biggest difference was in musical interest (she's into heavy hardcore metal, i'm more into funk/rock) and a few other things (she's more outdoorsy, but I'm NOT anti-outdoorsy, I just never knew anyone else who was, so I never had problems going on hikes or anything with her) but we stayed together as long as we did so I feel like if that was REALLY the issue, it would'nt have taken this long to end it. Basically... she called me on March 7th, ended things... I literally HAVEN'T SEEN HER SINCE. I haven't talked to her since. I haven't seen her in person since March 2nd, our last date. It just boggles my mind and upsets me so much that someone she shared everything with... her past, her secrets, her home (well, her mom's home) and so much more and yeah I know relationships end and yes, she broke up with me 2 other times so I wasn't even surprised by that but just the lack of thought she put into it (prob because the new guy was around) and the fact that she pretty much decided she wanted nothing to do with me thereafter (we remained fb friends for a couple weeks after the breakup but everytime i tried to talk to her, she just shot me down and eventually blocked me... i regret that too). I still have some things at her house but I figure there's no point. I didn't deserve any of this and yet at the same time, it's made me see things a lot more clearly, which has been a good thing.

 

I've been taking so many steps to dig myself out of my hole that I'm in, taking proactive steps in school to ensure I graduate in 2013 and learning new skills for when I live on my own, cooking, cleaning, maintaining things, etc. and going to the gym to become physically stronger, going to counseling/therapy to become emotionally stronger... and am planning to work on some more skills when I have time... I'm learning guitar in my spare time but the reason I don't have much time is bc I work 2 jobs just to barely make my car payments and have gas. I actually like both of my jobs though and can be an outgoing and fun person in the right setting, but I've just been so deprived socially as of late. My gf wasn't the only one I hung out with but I lost a lot of good company because of the way I freaked out just after the breakup... and the hospital trip and all of that... I'm so ashamed... I know everyone else probably forgot about all of that but its still in my mind and I really just want to help people... help my friends, be there for them the way theyve been there for me for so many years but I've just formed this "reputation" over such a long time... even my own gf couldn't respect me towards the end, and how could she? I respect myself to an extent but I feel like there's "more work to do"... I always feel like that... I feel like I'll never be good enough where I'll be content... no matter how strong I think I am, or how good I am at something or not, or how much money I have... there's no qualifier for me... nor should there be. People shouldn't be measured by their wealth, looks, or anything else and I believe that when I look at OTHER people but yet when I look at myself, I rate myself in these shallow ways because I'm thinking about what a woman would want in a man and I don't have a lot of that stuff. I mean, I have more of it now than I did a few months back but not enough...

 

I guess I'm just so stressed... and feel alone. I try to call my friends but theyre always busy. If I'm busy, it's at work which is 90% of the time. Its friday and I have a rare night off and pretty much nothing to do... sometimes I even get tempted to call my ex but I won't... I know that'd be stupid... I just wonder if there's anyone else who feels this way... I don't even know how to describe it... it'll probably fade by the end of the hour though... that's how random it all is

[RockSteady]

I'm not going to discredit your girlfriend because I don't know her, or you. I'm not going to tell you there are 4 billion more girls out there either, because I understand that individuals are special and can't be replaced. I can try to give you advice but I'm not sure how helpful it'll be.

 

Depression is an extremely complex state of mind, and there's rarely, if any one-size-fits-all remedies that can be applied to any sadness.

 

I'm not as old as you, I'm only 18, but something I've noticed is that depression never truly goes away, it can only be minimized. But don't let that give you the wrong impression, you can minimize it down to a very small fraction of what it was if you try.

 

And also on a side note, I really do understand the horrible feeling when depression comes back time after time. But again, that's something you can minimize.

 

Just some general advice, you'll want to avoid routine, routine leads to psychological habitualization which is that zombie state you start to sink into where everything seems the same, and you can't really change anything. It also prevents defamiliarization, which is where you can see old things in a completely new way.

 

You've probably heard cliche advice before like "there's a whole world out there for you to experience, try something new" and just thought "what could possibly be new? I don't know how to experience new things", but what you process on a daily basis is only a very very small fraction of what you actually see. Your brain has been accustomed by routine into seeing the same things, and ignoring the same things.

 

In the past, I would walk past posters and ads around campus that advertised gatherings, plays, volunteer seeking, completely ignoring the content, and just seeing it as part of the background. I'm not saying that you should look at posters or ads if that's not your thing, my overarching point here is that you should notice things that you see every day but don't really pay attention to, and pay attention to them.

 

It's sort of like, if you see a road that you've seen every day of your life, but have never gone down it, why not explore and see where it leads? You can take that as purely metaphorical, or literal. One time I literally did this, and ended up crashing a wedding where I met someone who's now a close friend of mine.

 

As far as friends and relationships go, do what I just said above, people are generally more interesting than you give them credit for. You may not find anyone to replace the people already in your life, but you can find new irreplaceable ones.

 

And on relationships, all I can really say is that you can really force-fix a dead relationship. If it's dead, it's dead, and you can't bring it back to life no matter how hard you try. Sometimes you just have to move on. It's extremely hard, I know. I had this one best friend who I was obsessed about, but she never really liked me back as much, and that made me depressed. One day I had a fight with her, and I dwelled on it for almost 3 years, she never gave me closure. I had to find my own closure. I realized that as special as she was, if she was truly special, she wouldn't let me feel this way, no matter what I had done. She would at least give me the closure, but she didn't.

 

I hope that helps, I can't think of much more to say