Do we really get the short end of the stick?

[OldSoul86]

I was just doing some reflecting and I thought I would post my thoughts in the hopes that it would help people see being dumped more logically. Perhaps we really do not get the short end of the stick, it may feel like it initially, but in the end we really need to weigh both the positive and negative aspects equally (which is tough to do, but necessary for clarity.) We should end up with the better end of the deal, we just need to realize our true value and not get sucked into the negative, self-esteem destroying mindset that follows a bitter break up.

 

I am a firm believer in the notion that if someone dumps a good lover that they are the ones who are actually losing out.

 

Why? Well - lets compare the losses for both parties here:

 

What does the dumpee lose when they're dumped?

 

1.) Someone who did not really love them in the way that they wanted/deserved to be loved.

 

2.) Someone who did not see their true value.

 

3.) Someone who did not put them first.

 

4.) Someone who did not have both feet in the relationship (if they were thinking that they wanted out, how could one argue that they were fully invested in the relationship?)

 

5.) Someone who wasn't able to look past their faults/differences and compromise and grow together.

 

What does the dumper lose when they dump someone?

 

1.) Someone who put them first.

 

2.) Someone who loved them (unconditionally in some cases.)

 

3.) Someone who would have stuck by their side.

 

4.) Someone who was willing to fight for their love.

 

5.) Someone who was able to look past their faults/differences and love the person for who they are.

 

*** The key thing to remember here is that we were left by someone who did not appreciate us for who we are. The onus is on us to sever off all ties with our exes and push forward - knowing that if we possess the skills/traits that are desired in a lover WE WILL find someone better and someone who appreciates us. We just need to put ourselves out there, remove the hope that our exes will come to the realization that they made a mistake (rarely this happens and amounts to a long-lasting reconciliation, and at the end of the day would you really be comfortable going back to someone who has proven to be unreliable as a lover?) NEVER forget that if they truly loved us and appreciated us, they would still be with us. YOU are the prize, and any person with an open and honest heart will see that! ***

 

Thoughts?

 

OS

[leseine7]

Awesome. So much truth to this, even though it's often hard for "dumpees" to feel that way in their grief. I've never known anyone who was rejected by someone they loved who looked back and said "Man, I wish I were still with him/her." I HAVE, however, heard people who did the rejecting of a great person who loved them so much, say "Man, I wish I hadn't let him/her get away."

 

Great post, thanks.

[DN]

This is true in many instances but sometimes people do get dumped because of their own behaviour and sometimes simply because the relationship isn't working for the person who leaves. People who leave are not necessarily bad or ill-intentioned people.

[copper87]

5.) Someone who wasn't able to look past their faults/differences and compromise and grow together.

OS

 

AMEN! This is where I am. Recognizing that I have some issues and that having a support system would be great. But he's long gone. Selfish bastard!

[OldSoul86]

This is true in many instances but sometimes people do get dumped because of their own behaviour and sometimes simply because the relationship isn't working for the person who leaves. People who leave are not necessarily bad or ill-intentioned people.

 

Agreed DN, every relationship is unique. The message to take away from my post is to remember that there is an upside to being left by someone who did not see a future with you - they're actually doing you a favour by setting you free!

[Mellie]

It's a great post. I agree completely from the dumpee's perspective. However, from the dumper's perspective, there is one thing missing, and it's pretty much paramount. They 'lose' someone who wasn't the right fit for them. That doesn't make them evil. They feel how they feel, just like the dumpees. Their feelings are no less valid, and they're entitled to act on them. It's the way they go about it that's most telling about a person. I think it's actually harder when there's no animosity, there is still love, but you're driven apart by circumstances outside your control. But whatever. If someone isn't invested in a relationship, in the longrun, they're doing both parties a favour by breaking up, though it never seems that way at the time.

[OldSoul86]

It's a great post. I agree completely from the dumpee's perspective. However, from the dumper's perspective, there is one thing missing, and it's pretty much paramount. They 'lose' someone who wasn't the right fit for them. That doesn't make them evil. They feel how they feel, just like the dumpees. Their feelings are no less valid, and they're entitled to act on them. It's the way they go about it that's most telling about a person. I think it's actually harder when there's no animosity, there is still love, but you're driven apart by circumstances outside your control. But whatever. If someone isn't invested in a relationship, in the longrun, they're doing both parties a favour by breaking up, though it never seems that way at the time.

 

Agreed Mellie. Both the dumper and dumpee have valid feelings, and both deserve happiness. Like you said, the way the break up happens says a lot about the person. My ex blew hot and cold for months before she decided to dump me. It seemed like she was waiting until she was over me (slowly withdrawing over time and using me as an emotional/physical crutch) before she dropped the bomb. It was cowardly, but it is what it is.

 

My OP wasn't a one size fits all type deal, but it certainly rings true for a lot of people around here.

[Mellie]

Mine would invite me over, then go and sit in another room all night. Then apologise, then do the same. I tried to talk about it (I mean talk, not shout, accuse, just discuss) but was told he couldn't talk to me when I was "like that" and he was sick of "babysitting" me. Stopped calling. Completely checked out. 2 days after (yes, I'm still harping on!) I broke up with him (technically, I am the dumper - was there a choice?) he's on a dating website. I was so hurt. It was only a short relationship, but I was quite emotionally invested. He was nothing like this in the beginning. He was all for me. I thought we were happy, then a complete u-turn.

 

This all happened just over a week ago. I'm happy to have gotten my head around this as quickly as I have (loopy phases aside). I don't think it's my issue at the end of the day. I was nothing but nice to him when he started going cold and being downright unpleasant to me. Either he didn't have the guts to break it off, or he was a foney all along (I suspect there was more going on), but either way, I feel sorry for him, not me.

[secondchance67]

As always OS, another well thought out post that nails it from the perspective of the dumpee.

 

All of your points are spot on; we, as the dumpee, tend to lose sight of the fact that the dumper leaving us actually opens more doors than it closes, and provides us with the chance to find some who will value us for who we are, become a true partner and work thru the inevitable issues that will arise in any R/S instead of taking the cowards way out and silently plotting an exit, cheating or any other heinous act done without care or concern for the dumpee and the time invested in the R/S.

 

It is difficult, if not impossible, to see or even think that there might be some good in a BU at first; over time, you see come to the stark reality that it was a blessing in disguise.....if they don't want you, and they let you go, what greater gift could you receive than the chance, the freedom, to start over with someone who values you and sees the potential for a great R/S?

[brian12345]

I think this is an intelligent post even if it's still hard to feel better off right now, and there is no one-size fits all.

 

For example, Mellie cites that the dumper loses someone who wasn't the right fit for them. But the quality and viability of relationships and how one partner views the other changes, sometimes for good reasons and sometimes due to circumstances outside our control, whether it's because of distance, stresses at work, something traumatic that happens, or someone going through a phase in their life where they want to be single or date around rather than settle down. Sometimes it's true, people are just incompatible. But it is possible for people to make mistakes. The dumper isn't necessarily always losing someone who isn't a good fit for them, and the dumpee can in some cases do things that pushes the dumper away and bring the break-up on themselves. We see all of these situations on this site.

 

And unfortunately there is no one size fits all for how we bounce back after a major break-up. Yes a lot of people move on to new successes, marry, and live happy lives, but a lot of people settle into unhappy marriages, divorce etc. The only thing we can do is try to put our best foot forward when something like this happens, and give ourselves the best chance for a good life regardless of what happened/happens with the dumper. A better life is possible, but it's not guaranteed, and we have to go out there and make it, not sit around feeling sorry for ourselves.

 

For me, a little easier said than done at this point. All that said I do think it's a good post!

[Avila]

this is a really good post. i agree with brian12345 though, every situation is different and when the dumper lets go of the dumpee sometimes it's not because they aren't a good fit. for myself, my ex was dealing with his own problems and running away from himself. He'll regret losing me one day as i know he still loves me. he has a lot of figuring out to do unfortunatley. however i do agree that we don't get the short end of the stick. even though we may never have chosen the breakup for ourselves, if the person you loved so deeply wasn't able to fight for you than that says a lot about them and not much about you (if you didn't do anything to bring it on yourself, that is.)

 

Most of us are safe in the knowledge that we did everything we could and that we are capable of loving and fighting for that love. Someday we'll all find someone who can do the same for us.

[lilypadgirl]

Most of us are safe in the knowledge that we did everything we could and that we are capable of loving and fighting for that love. Someday we'll all find someone who can do the same for us.

 

I like the post a lot. But this is especially hopeful for me.

 

Thanks!

[OldSoul86]

I like the post a lot. But this is especially hopeful for me.

 

Thanks!

 

Agreed, very uplifting Avila - thank you!

[Avila]

glad i good i help in a small way