Hate + Love

[GetOverItPlz]

They say the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference. Ultimately wen we break up with people and there is no reconcilation, the outcome will be indifference. Not having someone in your life for long enough will almost always push them out (in my experience at least) to the point that no amount of history can keep them around in your brain. At least not strong enough to want them back. thus the indifference.

 

BUT...

 

What happens when you're trapped between hate and love? When someone has wronged you so bad that you really cannot understand why you would EVER give them the time of day again. It makes no sense to even consider this person as a potential partner.

 

Yet you love this person because of everything they've given you over the years. Those rose-tinted glasses color everything you think of this person, including that disdain.

 

Now, I am proud of the fact that I dont necessarily hate anyone. Not this ex or any of my other exes. Not the people that left me for dead in the cold through the years, the friends that fell off at the most inopportune times... I truly try to love everyone. So I say "hate" for shock and contrast.

 

However,, I do strongly dislike this woman at this point in my life. Yet I still love her. It is a terrible paradox to find yourself in, and is the cornerstone of a LOT of mishaps in my relationships over the years. When you find yourself between those two starkly contrasted feelings, you begin to act out in weird, indescribable ways.

 

So today, I felt like reaching ot to her. In the past in similar situations, I've done just that. And it never worked. So while I wanted to say something, I have not. Maybe in my old age I finally AM learning a little something.

 

The point of this post? Who knows. Who knows why any of us post what we do. lol. We're hurting and desperately searching for answers. And I am in a much better place with this than I have been. I am concentrated on my music, my workouts, and my martial arts training more than ever. I feel my body change, I hear my music grow, and I can break cinder blocks, so what do I have to complain about?

 

I hope that some day soon my feelings will normalize, and neither love nor hate will rule my actions towards this person- just left with calculated, thoughtful indifference.