What to do when you don't want to let go

[quirky]

I was wondering if some wise souls can offer insight into this. I have come to believe that someone's healing depends largely on how much they WANT to let go. For people that don't want to let go, as in they think they do but deep down don't want to cut that cord, what do you think can help them get there? Apart from obvious NC, keeping busy, blocking the ex etc.

 

I am referring to some of us that can do all that but still can't let go fully and wholeheartedly after a significant time has passed.

 

Thanks

[Roxie84]

I dated a guy last year - it was nothing serious and he pushed me away in quite a hurtful way. I drove myself crazy! For the first time in my life, I actually did the psycho texting thing. Something kept nagging me and a million thoughts ran through my head: Did I do something wrong? Was I too needy? Was I not needy enough? Was I not real enough? Was I trying to change him? Should I have changed things about my personality? Should I have listened to my heart and not my friends? Etc. Etc. Etc.

 

BUT after months of being silly and driving myself coo coo for cocoa puffs, a friend introduced me to something amazing. It may seem weird at first, especially for those who aren't very in tune with their emotions from a spiritual level, but its called EFT tapping. In a nutshell, this is a process where you pinpoint the most prominant emotion on your head at the moment. For example, I chose insecurity because I felt bad about myself and that I was losing control of my emotions. So, you focus on the feeling of insecurity - really focus on it.. let it come to the surface.. cry if you need to.. let yourself bring all those negative feelings to the surface. Once that emotion has surfaced, you can find many instructional videos on youtube for EFT and follow their lead. Basically you release the emotion as you tap on accupuncture pressure points.

 

There are many free online sources and instructional videos on youtube which can explain it much better than I am lol. I can honestly say that once I released all the emotions I had when I thought of this man, the pain I felt was almost completely deminished.

 

There is no quick fix, but I think this is an excellent way to work on getting past a loss and start moving forward with your life.

 

Some people may find this silly, but watch the movie The Secret. Yes, it is a very commercialized way of explaining the law of attraction, and it makes many people think they can win the lotto tomorrow, but it provides some EXELLENT techniques to pinpoint and release negative emotions so that you can get back to enjoying your life. It gives you the reassurance that the power to be happy is entirely within yourself.

 

Hope this helps

[Roxie84]

Also, not wanting to let go just sends a person into a downword spiral. I've been there on a few occasions. I think we all have. Its not so much about wanting to let go as it is wanting to be happy with yourself and not giving another person the power of making you happy.

[Coconut Twin]

Meditation can help. I lisetn to A LOT of Deepak Chopra - healing of the heart stuff. During the meditation he says to forgive those who suffer, that those who inflict pain are also suffering and to send love to them. It really helped me to look at things at a perspective, with a broader mind instead of focusing only on my suffering, but focusing on their suffering also, because some of our ex;s do suffer even though some think otherwise.

 

I used to hate the idea of wishing him happiness, but now when I say it, I mean it and that also brings me relief for some reason.

 

I don't know about tapping as Roxie mentioned. It seemed to work for her, but I heard it could be dangerous if not done properly...so makwe sure you research it thoroughly. It may work for some but not everyone.

[Roxie84]

Hey coconut twin, how can the tapping be dangerous? I'm just wondering because I've read a lot about this and I've seen the worst that can happen is it doesn't work. Since all you're doing is tapping pressue points with your fingers, how can this be dangerous? I'm not asking to be rude, just out of curiosity because I've done this myself and suggested it to a lot of people..

[lilypadgirl]

Write a list of all the bad qualities about your ex or times when he hurt you, disappointed you, disrespected you, or betrayed you. Read that list over and over again whenever you start feeling like there's hope or you miss him. For me, whenever I start to miss my ex, I think of him and her. The disgust is enough to tide me over for a while.

 

Even if your ex didn't do anything bad persay like cheating or lying, remind yourself that he choose to leave you. You deserve someone who sees your full value and who loves you enough to stay. He's not capable of loving you in the way you need. Repeat that over and over again.

[Coconut Twin]

Hey coconut twin, how can the tapping be dangerous? I'm just wondering because I've read a lot about this and I've seen the worst that can happen is it doesn't work. Since all you're doing is tapping pressue points with your fingers, how can this be dangerous? I'm not asking to be rude, just out of curiosity because I've done this myself and suggested it to a lot of people..

 

 

My father had a nervous break down after a huge world tour. He tried the tapping and it nearly drove him potty.....basically. I witnessed it and it scared the hell out of me. He feels the tapping triggered it off and made what he was experiencing much worse. He stopped immediately, went to counselling, did meditation and slowly but surely got better and is as right as rain today.

 

I'm not discounting yuor experience with tapping btw. Just didn't work for my father, so just thought I'd put a word of caution out there.

[Roxie84]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear your dad went through that It makes a lot of sense though. When you're in a down place and you bring up all those intense emotions, they can come to the surface and stay there without purging. That could make it a lot worse.

 

I read one article about a woman who was schizophrenic.. While she was tapping, bringing up a traumatic event triggered her to have a massive episode. Luckily, she was with a trained EFT teacher who helped her come down from it and continue releasing the emotions. The article said the whole process took about 4 hours. I can imagine this could have turned out much worse if the teacher hadn't been there. But for the average person, those teachers are mighty expensive. Anyone I know that has tried tapping has done it from home lol.

 

So yes, now that you mention it, I suppose its best to try tapping when you know you are not at your lowest point.

[Coconut Twin]

Yes you make a good point and that's a bit of a worrying story about the woman with schizophrenia.

 

I think tapping rather would help someone who isn't at such a low place,as you said. Bit off topic - I know this is a stark comparison and it's a drug, but for example LSD. I know a few people who had really bad episodes but they weren't really happy people, they were suffering and the trip accentuated that. As opposed to the ones who were generally happy with life - they had some fun and creative trippy journeys and they came out of it feeling on top of the world.

[Roxie84]

Absolutely - we all have mixed emotions, some good, some bad. If we are in a generally good place, anything that effects our emotions that intensely with intensify those feelings. If we're in a generally bad place, it will just send us on a completely downward spiral

[Jim Wormold]

Hey Quirky,

 

Funny seeing you here. I had to check in on this forum too.

 

Wake up with her in my mind almost everyday. Maybe thats just the result

of still having her in my thoughts. The loss feels so extreme sometimes.

 

I miss her family too. I dont know. It happened back in August last year

and I wonder if I will ever get over this. The more dates I have, the more

I realise what I lost.

 

My therapist says I am just channeling my emptiness from elsewhere - that actually

I am not missing her, just someone new. I find that a bit of an assumption and a half

but it would be a nice theory if it was true. I mean, if we could rationalise and say

that what we think is heart sore, is actually just needing someone else.

[brian12345]

Hey Quirky, 4.5 months out I'm dealing with the same struggle, I have no answers except to keep on moving forward a day at a time, but mentally I can keep NC and keep busy but I do not know how to truly want to move on and sever the chord, even though keeping it does me no good.

[quirky]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

-Coconut Twin I will go on a meditation class on Monday, I will try it out. I looked into it because you mentioned you went before and because FreeFallFeelin practises it too and said it helps him.

 

-Roxie84, I'll have a look on you tube to get an idea of what you mention. Btw, why do you think you got obsessed with that particular guy?

 

-That list of reasons is a good idea too, I always say I'd do it and I don't. But to be honest..I can see I wasn't content. I still seem to want him to do something about it though o_O

 

 

I started reading a book that seems helpful too called 'When everything changes, change everything' . It helps with identifying what is the truth and what is the imagined truth.

 

 

I notice that most people manage to let go after a while, some of us struggle more. I sat and wondered why..is it fear of the unknown, confidence issues, exceptional connection with the ex. Or maybe too much idealism and melodrama. Lack of knowledge and experience.

 

I'd be interested to hear from others what the roots of not letting go may be.

[brian12345]

For me I think it's more about "idealism", and what felt like an exceptional connection. I hate to fail and I hate to give up on things, I'm stubborn about calling it quits on the silliest of games, so I can't stand the thought of having to think of all these memories, moments, and file them away in a folder titled "failure". So I hold onto them tighter than I should. I tend to occasionally imagine how I would view my life in storybook form, before the sudden BU I thought it was that all the difficult moments where I doubted that there was someone right for me were so I could find the right person. When that story was shattered and she left, my mind is scrambled. What would I write now? The greatest nightmare for me isn't her finding another boyfriend or forgetting about me or even me losing her, I have terrible visions of me seeing her 10-15 years from now where one or both of us has settled down with someone else. I fear that even then, I'll be talking to her casually and feeling absolutely horrible on the inside to see that this was how the story turned out. I don't know how to change that than to keep moving forward and hope to be satisfied with the likely outcome where she doesn't come back and we both end up with someone else, but it's hard to see it right now.