Need coaching to save this recently reconciled relationship currently under "IV"

[SillyDate]

2 weeks ago, my BF asked for NC because he "needs space to think", whether to breakup with me or to go on with me. I'd like to skip the reason of our conflict because they're not the factors anymore for my decision and also should not take the focus away from my post here. Anyway, the NC lasts 7 days, bf finally called to set up a meetup on last Saturday. I am very happy I am able to be with him once again, for whatever reason, he finally decided to reconciled with me.

 

I came to this forum and kept reading to prep myself on how to do and what to do in order not to break it again, by accident. Most answers I got from here would be "go baby steps", "one day at a time" The reconciliation dinner was wonderful, even tho I got panic attack the entire day. It also felt like first date with him again and he immediately saw me and said he missed me, then he kissed me and held my hands. My bf behaved very nice during the entire dinner and very attentive to me. But when he suggested to hangout after dinner, I accepted, then he changed 180 back to the same attitude before NC.

 

It has been 5 days now, I realized that the relationship is now way worse than before we fight and went to NC. I tried harder then realized I should not. Looking at all his attitudes toward me, I feel he does not love me anymore...again, I am not saying it's true, but that's how he makes me perceive now.

Also very obviously, he does the things which he knows I hated so much and often are the topics of our past arguments. I feel like he does it even more on purpose now to either piss me off or protesting against me...

 

Before NC, we hungout, w/o fail, every Fri thru Monday morning [stay over at either of our homes] and every night w/o fail he would call and say hi. Often he would even call during his lunch time at work if he was not too busy...

 

After reconciled, all of the above...gone...I start to feel our relationship now is under IV therapy trying to prolong the life of a patient with fatal disease. if you understand my metaphor

 

My friends advise me to be patient because it seems like we both still got rage and resentment inside us. Reason being, after reconciled, we never got a chance to talk about what broke us apart, reason being my bf is the type of guy who loves to hide from problems and dislike confrontation. When I tried to bring it up [once and let it go to bed forever]..he started his temper on me and blaming me for causing him butterfly in stomach and lost his "chill mode" on a chill day.

 

So I kept quiet. Now I am suffering and clueless how shall I do? I started to want to get my life again...such as doing my stuffs and not rely on hanging out with him on weekends. Tomorrow is Friday, I already planned stuff after work for myself and told myself just assume he would never calls....saturday I made plan to play golf in late afternoon and again told myself just assume he would never calls......

 

I need coaching here what else can I do? In fact please tell me exactly what you mean by "take baby steps".......should I stop hanging out with him and stop contacting him? I am not asking for another breakup...I want to save this relationship I really do! I do not want to quiet too easily.....but I am giving myself and him, a grace period because I can never stay here forever investing in a relationship while the other person has stopped trying.........

 

I have told myself, I am grateful to have him back, I will give love a 2nd chance but it comes with grace period......I will not be his doormat...

 

Please help me......

[violet456]

I was in the same situation until last night. My ex broke up with me as he couldn't deal with his issues when he was with me, as whenever he saw me that's all he would think about. I gave him a few days space to give him time to think before last night but it didn't really make things better.

 

I guess I was too anxious in how he was acting cold and distant towards me as like you he was very sweet and attentive before we got back together. When I brought up his emotional distance towards me, he shutdown.

The only thing I can do now is move on, even though I am a broken person. I will probably never see him again and we both cried together as we both said we mean alot to each other.

 

He said he wanted to come back as he thought I was the one, but because of our past he can't get past it and needs to deal with it on his own. He said it will take him years to get past it. It's so awful.

I wish there was something I could do but I have to let him go

[Ms Darcy]

I don't know how this reconciliation can last without working through the problems of the past and moving past the anger.

 

Otherwise, what you have is a recipe for another break up.

[RitaTrue]

I don't know how this reconciliation can last without working through the problems of the past and moving past the anger.

 

Otherwise, what you have is a recipe for another break up.

 

This x 5

_____________________________________

[dasilver]

What i've learned about reconciliations from this board.....

 

1) They are supposed to be treated like a brand new relationship....must pretend as if you're dating this person for the first time

 

2) Forgiveness is a must before you even think about getting back together

 

3) Patience....LOTS and lots of patience....reconciliations are NEVER to be hurried...(EVER!!!!!)...If you try to hurry them...they will fail...There is no set time as to when such and such should happen. Building a reconciliation should take as long as it takes....

 

4) Baby steps....No 5 hr marathon phone conversations.....intimacy is to be kept to the minimum.....

 

5) Change...All parties involved must have changed and worked on what caused the break up in the first place.

 

Reconciliations fail not because both parties don’t love or care about each other anymore or because they’re incompatible ……..but because the 2 people involved are in too much of a hurry to get back to where the relationship was before the break-up…When what they should be doing is saying this is a new relationship. It has nothing to do with the old one.

 

I learnt all of this from the peeps on this board.

[flow90]

wow amazing advise dasilver!!

wish i had known this when my ex and i were trying to reconcile... but i made the mistake of rushing into it

[SillyDate]

Thanks to all!! I am learning and following all advises. I am happy I made the first step that is to get a life...I know I cannot fix him, but I can fix myself.

He did not call or text me again last nite [like he used to do for every single nite prior to our conflict]...I was very sad last nite but indeed I logged in here and created this post!

 

To my surprise, he called me this morning apologizing he passed out early last night, and asked me what's my tonight's plan?

Told him I will go home clean my house after work, and chill [i basically want to demonstrate to him that I am not needy and it's OK I do nothing on a Friday night, I won't die]

To my surprise again, he told me he wants to see me though, then I told him, well, no hurry...since he and I we live 40miles apart...we can meet on saturday or sunday

 

[one of the many reasons we fought was his unwillingness to drive to my home and visit me, always make me drive to him...he has stop investing in us...]

 

My question now is, I know if we don't talk about the conflict we have, get a solution and let it to sleep...eventually this can be another breakup....how can I handle this now?

Like I said my bf shuts me off whenever I bring this up, he loves to run away from problems, be it relationship problems or family issues...he acts the same....

 

I will continue to fix myself in terms of getting a life....[a change]

I will learn to treat this a whole new date...assume he is a new guy I just met [take it slowly]

Deal with his coldness and distant on me in a patiently way [i will really try to be very super patient, then]

 

But the major part is, to solve our original conflict with him who runs away from problems...any suggestion?

[dasilver]

Sillydate,

 

The first thing you must do is avoid "being intimate" for a while....It will cloud your judgement while you're in the reconciliation stage.

 

Since you have told him that you are in no hurry to see and HE was the one that said he wanted to see you...

 

Ask him what time he's thinking of driving over?

 

If he says "Well i thought you'd drive over to me"

 

You can say......"That's ok..i don't mind. I'll drive over this week but then next time we see it's on you".....and say no more after that.

 

One thing i've learnt about communicating with men...Whether it be my boyfriend...best friend..co-worker or even family. Is that they communicate in small doses. It is especially so during fights.

 

Men are not like us ladies...We know how to talk.....

 

Whenever you see a fight coming with your man ...hold your tongue and LISTEN to what he's telling you...Nod your head that you understand what he's saying. Tell him you're upset right now and ask him if it's ok to respond to him when you're more calm.

 

It's hard at first...It took me forever to master it....but it works....The first time i did it...my boyfriend's mouth dropped.

 

No shouting matches for me....even when we breaking up....i remain calm always...no insults...no raising my voice....My ex ex-boyfriend has been trying to get back together with me since April. (I'm no longer interested).

 

 

...but it does work...hold your tongue when you see a fight coming...and really listen your man when he's talking....Listen to see if he's making sense...an excuse or if he's just talk gibberish.

[SillyDate]

Sillydate,

 

The first thing you must do is avoid "being intimate" for a while....It will cloud your judgement while you're in the reconciliation stage.

 

Since you have told him that you are in no hurry to see and HE was the one that said he wanted to see you...

 

Ask him what time he's thinking of driving over?

 

 

...but it does work...hold your tongue when you see a fight coming...and really listen your man when he's talking....Listen to see if he's making sense...an excuse or if he's just talk gibberish.

 

Hello DaSilver,

 

Thanks, you give good practical insight, in a very easy to understand way

 

Just want to update on my current situation...which makes me have dilemma now..

I thought I did good about last Friday! I went as planned (get a life and went golfing) and he kept saying OK he wanted to meet me on Saturday, but eventually we still ended up fighting over the phone on Saturday night because he did not handle the time and planning properly and he went to watch UFC fight with the boys in the town which is 60miles from where I live.

 

I think my fault here would be, I assume we are back to relationship but in fact I know, this reconciled relationship is only now, a probation....but I was really hoping to see him so much.

Like I mentioned, before NC and before conflict, we saw each other w/o fail every Friday night thru Monday morning

 

Anyway, on Sunday he did come all the way to visit me, even tho we both still upset about the Saturday fight...then I found out one thing from him

That, he has been texting his buddies on last Friday, as well as pre-July 4th holiday, that he was eagerly looking for events to do with them as he is "I am trying to avoid going to her town"

 

I..don't know what does that indicate...he despise me and does not want to hangout with me?

Or he does not want to come to me and instead want me to go over?

 

All I know is I feel so bad and sad after reading his text

 

Please correct me if I perceived it wrongly...what I perceived is he has to beg around his buddies to find activities to do so he can avoid me.....I feel like I am a nuisance to him

 

I want him to be into me, I want him to want me,I want him to want to see me voluntarily and not feel like obligated.....

 

I am so lost now don't and not sure where this is heading to...I feel like he already black labeled me from all previous arguments. He still has resentment, so do I....

 

What can I do?

Shall I pull away [not breaking up] for a while? Means don't hangout with him and no initiate contact with him unless he contacts me?

 

I want to erase all resentments in him....and obviously I don't understand why he has to do that to me [him texting all buddies and avoid going to my part of town]

 

Please help

[dasilver]

SillyDate,

 

Time heals all wounds.

 

Remember what I told you about reconciliations? They take time…they cannot and should not be rushed. Remember I also told you that the biggest ingredient you’re going to need is patience?

 

You are still in the mindset that this is an old relationship. It is not. It is a new one and you must treat it as such.

 

You must pretend that you do not know this man…and that the both of you are in the process of getting to know each other.

 

He will want you and he will want to spend time with you…..but (this is a new relationship) and he doesn’t know you that well. Give him time to get to know you. The only way he’s going to fall for you (again) is if he loves your personality. You need to make being around you fun OK?

 

So he’s excited about spending time with his buddies. He should be. Do you think that if you’re in a relationship he’s never going to go off and have a boy’s night or weekend?

 

I’m a huge movie buff. So when my ex would make plans to “hang” with the boys I used it as an opportunity to catch up on all of my favorite shows. By the time I’m done watching them, he’s back with me. (Sometimes I’m not even done I wish he wasn’t around….but don’t tell him that..hehehehe)

 

My point is….your boyfriend should not be your whole life….just your favorite part of it.

[SillyDate]

Awww daSilver, thanks, really, from the bottom of my heart! I am so broken at times it's hard for me to understand but your replies always easy to follow.

 

Yes, I got carried away again [only found out when I saw your reply], with a mindset that this is the previous "us"

Ok from now on, I really need to insert this new relationship or new date mindset into my brain....

I will learn to mastering holding my tongue and mastering my patience >_

My greatest failure in life is I do not have patience I am a quick-witted person, also a quick person in everything (except doing Math)

 

So... DaSilver do you suggest me start planning my this coming Friday--Sunday and pull-away this week from him and not see him at all this weekend?

I read other posts in the forum, they also suggest pulling away is a way to go so the person can miss you more (since we have been seeing each other too often and he took me for granted by just playing his Diablo PC game and ignoring me)...

 

Also one thing I must inform you / readers here is..during our 6-month "old" relationship prior to conflict and NC, my date with this guy always involve his buddies. Meaning on weekends when we meet 90% of the dates, are hanging out with his buddies in group and 10% of the rest will be my private time with this guy. Guess that was also one of the many reasons I snapped because I didn't get quality alone time with him much. I do not want to keep dating his friends and him together as a bundle package.

 

The "new" reconciled relationship now is only in 10th day today...

 

Please advise if pulling away this entire weekend is a good idea or will be backfire? Really appreciate your help!

[mhowe]

You need to stop looking at this strategically --- and incorporate the thoughts/actions as part of your life.

 

Make plans for the weekend. It is your life and you are single. You are talking about getting back together w/ your ex -- so you are just at the beginning of a new relationship. Showing him that you have a life and are not waiting around for him to ignore you isn't "a game". It is your life.

 

As DaS said --- he should be a bonus ---- not the whole deal.

[dasilver]

Have you already made plans with him to see each other this week-end? If so...i would go ahead and see him. Why play games?

 

I understand that it can frustrating spending most of your time with your man AND his friends....However it's nice to know that he feels comfortable enough to introduce you to his friends and have you spend time in their company.

 

If you want more (just the two of us time) you're going to have start thinking.

 

This is where you must get creative....Later (not now) as the relationship develops....You must think of activities that involve just the 2 of you. Suggest things he likes to do that you wouldn't mind doing also.

 

After a while...spending time together will come naturally.

 

Relationships are meant to be fun and happy and exhilarating....So go and have fun and be happy and exhilarate.

 

Enjoy!.....

[mhowe]

I would encourage you to make dates -- or accept dates -- that involve 2 people. You and him.

 

Group hang outs are not what you want. Being "one of the guys" is not what you want. Establish your boundaries and keep to them.

 

Quality of time spent together beats quantity of time spent together, IMHO>

[SillyDate]

I would encourage you to make dates -- or accept dates -- that involve 2 people. You and him.

 

Group hang outs are not what you want. Being "one of the guys" is not what you want. Establish your boundaries and keep to them.

 

Quality of time spent together beats quantity of time spent together, IMHO>

 

Yea I missed the quality times we had together before the conflict and NC, everything so memorable to me, I cry each time I think of those memories and how nice he treated me before...

I agree with you, I prefer dates then just being around him, when he would just play Diablo PC game and he ignores me all the time.

[SillyDate]

Have you already made plans with him to see each other this week-end? If so...i would go ahead and see him. Why play games?

 

I understand that it can frustrating spending most of your time with your man AND his friends....However it's nice to know that he feels comfortable enough to introduce you to his friends and have you spend time in their company.

 

If you want more (just the two of us time) you're going to have start thinking.

 

This is where you must get creative....Later (not now) as the relationship develops....You must think of activities that involve just the 2 of you. Suggest things he likes to do that you wouldn't mind doing also.

 

After a while...spending time together will come naturally.

 

Relationships are meant to be fun and happy and exhilarating....So go and have fun and be happy and exhilarate.

 

Enjoy!.....

 

No I have not made any plans with this guy for this weekend [also he has not make plans with me either] because he dislikes me making plans ahead of time and also, this was one of the many reasons we fought. Before NC, I always made plans with him then his boys things suddenly came up very last minute and he would either dropped my plan and took me along to the boys OR he would drop me and still go to the boys' events. Then he blamed me for making him not as care-free person as before because he is a chill person, never plans ahead and he feels that it's stressful for him. As much as I feel uncomfy I tried to give in on this, I just went with the flow and wait for him to make plans to see me...

 

But, I am saying if I sit around waiting for him this weekend, and he ditches me again like he did last Saturday, then it will be too late for me to call up my friends last minutes. I played golf last Saturday and he told me he wanted to see me after golf, so i planned to join him at night with his boys but it did not work out coz they changed their plan to a place which is 65miles away from where I live and it was already late....then caused a huge fight again last Saturday! That added more resentment in both of us

 

I don't want to play games, it's tiring but giving the situation now, his "no planning ahead" character and "always change mind" character, and all these previous resentments from previous fights, argghh making me LOST

Please help

[dasilver]

SillyDate,

 

I've always been under the impression that being in a relationship should be a good thing. They take work but overall you should be happy.

 

Does this man make you happy?

 

You can't make plans with your friends in case he "might" want to see you.

 

Don't go through life miserable...Don't go through life pleasing this man so he will stay with you.

 

So i ask you again....Does this man truly make you happy?

[mhowe]

Since you are not really "dating" --- make YOUR plans. And fit him in around them.

 

Until he makes you a priority, and not a last minute alternative ---LIVE YOUR LIFE.

[SillyDate]

SillyDate,

 

I've always been under the impression that being in a relationship should be a good thing. They take work but overall you should be happy.

 

Does this man make you happy?

 

You can't make plans with your friends in case he "might" want to see you.

 

Don't go through life miserable...Don't go through life pleasing this man so he will stay with you.

 

So i ask you again....Does this man truly make you happy?

The "old" relationship was only 6 months long only and I totally sensed the transition from honeymoon period to "comfort" period..but to me the comfort period is a stale period...coz I was/am still in honeymoon period and wearing rosey glasses, while he already exited. So does this man truly makes me happy? I have to say 4 months out of this 6-month long old relationship...YES he truly made me flattered and happy. Things between me and him went so naturally and smooth to the point I got scared and asked myself "wow! is this too good to be true?" That period, we both did nothing to vigorously make relationship work...we did not have to try at all....it went so happily...

 

This guy called me every single nite, text me every single nite for "goodnight" and he would tried his best to call me at work during his lunch break, everyday. I am the girl who love those attention but I never mentioned to him at all I like those, somehow this guy knew and did it for me, willingly. So I can smile. So yea, this guy did made me happy..so happy that I told myself he is the TYPE I want.

 

Came 5th month, when conflicts snowballed, arguments became our "activities" for the weekends, [weekends were the only time we meetup since we live 40miles apart]...then on June 23rd started our 10 days NC.

 

After reconciliation, it's either my fault or his fault...things just never... right? I feel so miserable waiting for him to make weekend plans with me especially he is a last minute person and mind changing person. It's in his blood. And because of this, we argued AGAIN even we reconciled only after 1 week [last Saturday]....I know this does us no good at all.

 

The reconciled relationship is so vulnerable, I really should avoid fights. This week is 2nd week of our "new" relationship

 

I felt he has loved me less [this part I know it's my fault since my mindset still assuming the "old" relationship] because he has STOPPED calling every night, stopped calling at work, and stopped texting good night to me.

 

I have became so depress now, ever since June 23rd when NC started, then to reconciliation then till tonight..ups and downs...thoughts after thoughts, mixed messages/feelings...please help

[SillyDate]

Since you are not really "dating" --- make YOUR plans. And fit him in around them.

 

Until he makes you a priority, and not a last minute alternative ---LIVE YOUR LIFE.

 

I think you are so right. I am so tired to be his option or doormat and time filler. I made a mistake on Wednesday, when he called me on Wednesday and told me he would want to visit me on Wed night [we live 40miles apart, so I must give him credit here] and stay over, then will go to work from my home. Then he added, if I mind to drive to his home for the weekend coz Friday, there will be a birthday party after work, and Saturday another birthday party - both in his neighborhood.

 

mm...I thought since he was sincere enough to invite me ahead of time, yea why not? I was so happy that I see some "light" finally. I have not planned anything with my own friends yet [and to be honest with you, I really want to see him for the weekend] so I said yea that's fine for me to drive even though it's FAR.

 

Then 30 mins ago, I called him, he told me he is not sure if he will attend tomorrow [friday] birthday event OR he may not stay too long at the birthday, so let's play by ear.

"If we don't meet Friday, then just meet for saturday, whatever....and for now...just chill out, see how Friday pans out before we plan out..." [that was what he told me]

 

This similar incident happened last weekend...he already said he will meet me last saturday night after I finished golfing then things changed last min! So I ended up spending my saturday night alone crying in my room.......

 

What am I to do now....?? I am upset and disappointed. Did I expect too much that is why now I am hurt more?

 

I don't want another argument with him coz of this as it will definitely break the relationship.....it was already broken once! But I really feel so sad........

 

Please advise

[dasilver]

SillyDate,

 

I hate that i have to say this....but i don't think this gentleman is as invested in this relationship as you are. You care about him so you're putting in a lot of effort to make the relationship work. He's not putting in as much effort because he's not too concerned if the relationship works or not.

 

You are so afraid of calling him out on the way his treating you. You’re so worried that he might end things that you’re walking on egg shells. He’s not worried that’s why he’s cancelling dates all over the place. Pay attention to how he’s treating you….Do YOU think it’s nice?

 

You asked….What do i do now? My answer to that is….. Protect your heart. It’s your most valuable possession. Your heart is not a toy. It is a pumping organ that keeps you alive. You should not allow anyone to misuse it.

 

This is going to be hard but if you do this it will give you some sense of strength and confidence.

 

Stop calling him…..stop texting him…stop emailing him. Stop all contact with him and wait for him to come to you. If and when he does come…pay very close attention to what he’s saying and how he behaves. In doing so you will be able to see if his interest in you in genuine….and if you truly are protecting your most valuable possession (your heart) you will not be so quick to give it to him again.

 

Step back, don't say much and watch….

[SillyDate]

I really appreciate your reply, I didn't mean to me long-windered. You're very true, I feel I am walking on eggshells even though we reconciled and back together, things just never same again...I don't see he and me trying to put back effort into this reconciled relationship but instead, he is pulling away more than before, only I am workin hard here.

 

Tonight I found out some secrets, that he has been telling his male cousin how he is trying to distance himself a little, he did not want to hangout with me, and that he is now just letting our relationship floating for now and...he even told the cousin he might try to end it again this month [he said so after the fight I told you on that saturday after my golfing coz he changed plan last min]. He was complaining to the cousin "i almost crossed the line again"

 

He also told the cousin "having a gf in general is highly overrated, when you hv a gf, you want to do single stuffs, when you are single you just want a hot chic you be seeing"

Guess what? That cousin now taught him to basically do all the things that pisses me off so I can leave on my own....

He is giving me mixed messages now, he still contact me [even way less] and he still invites me to hangout this past weekend but apparently there is a different agenda in is mind which I just found out. So does this mean...he is really trying to make me leave on my own instead of being "the bad guy who dumps me"?

 

After knowing the secret, I am hurt of course but I know I won't just go to him tomorrow and say hey, let's breakup...even though, my heart is telling me to do so...all the stuffs he told his cousin about me are very negative about me...seems like he has checked out of our relationship already and why the heck he reconciled with me? Might as well just tell me that night we reconciled?

 

From now on I really must be stronger to stop all contact to him like you said, and wait for his initiates, speak less and observe deep

[mhowe]

You know this relationship/reconciliation is over --- it just hasn't been pronounced dead yet. Why not take the high road and just not call him --- let it go. You don't need any further explanations or lies.

[dasilver]

People always ask the question. How do i know when someone really likes/cares/loves me?

 

My answer to that.....

 

How they behave and how they talk about you when they feel/know that you're not looking.

[SillyDate]

You know this relationship/reconciliation is over --- it just hasn't been pronounced dead yet. Why not take the high road and just not call him --- let it go. You don't need any further explanations or lies.

 

Hi, I truly agree with you but instead of NC, I have made up my mind to finally break it off last night July 18, 2012

The motivation that pushed me to really do it was 2 days ago I found out he lied on something then I found out he has been wanting to breakup with me soon, so i cannot take it any more...too hurt....