A Really Bad Situation... Heart Broken.

[Pleasedonot5]

Hello all.

 

I really just need to post this for advice and to get this out of my system.

 

My ex-girlfriend and I got out of what I considered a really happy, 13-month relationship. Believe me when I say that we were crazy about each other. She would always make me really romantic love letters, would do all sorts of romantic things for me, and what not. Not to get too personal, but sexually everything was pretty awesome as well. I even thought at a lot of points that she was more crazy about me than I was about her. We rarely had any arguments, but when we did, we solved them. I would always bring something up if she was doing something I didn't like. For a while, she did too. However, it seems now like that changed.

 

It all started with this prom incident. Both of us were Juniors in high school, and prom was several months away. For our school, there was a very high cost and I didn't really consider myself financially secure at the time. We talked about it, and she said something along the lines of, "Oh, I kinda want to go, but it's up to you. Just let me know soon, because I have to get a prom dress soon, otherwise all of the good dresses will be taken." So I figured since it was up to me, I told her my reasons why I didn't think we should go this year. I figured since it was a financial burden, and since we could go the next year, that we shouldn't go this year. She seemed to be okay with that. After prom came around, she seemed upset that she didn't get to go, and I confronted her on it, saying we needed to talk because she was acting really distant with me about it. We talked and seemed to mull it over pretty well, because I told her if she really wanted to go then she should have told me. I don't know if she held a grudge or what, but it may have added to her decision to break up with me later.

 

Another thing that was bugging her that she didn't tell me until three weeks after we broke up was religion. She's a non-denominational Christian and well, I'm completely non-religious. I went through this whole phase on facebook where I was getting in religious debates with people. She apparently got one of my exes, whom is her friend (BIG MISTAKE letting that happen btw), to convince me to take down the debates. I did. I talked with her after about it and she said it didn't bug her at all. She still maintains that the debating didn't bug her, when I know it did.

 

The final blow was stress and the fact that another guy came into the picture. She hasn't and may not ever admit it, but I pretty much know that she left me at least partially because of interest in this guy (I didn't know at the time, but she was talking to him more). Even with the honesty/confrontation issues that she had, we were still generally happy: sexually, intimately, and just in general. Two days before we broke up, even, we had a very flirty/affectionate conversation in which she said, "I'm not letting your cute face get away from me anytime soon (;" and still everything was good. Then, she went to a choir banquet. That's when things really started to change. I saw her in pictures with this other guy, just normal pictures, but they kinda bugged me slightly. It didn't help that I was going to have to pull all-nighters that week, with the ACT around the corner, and with finals in Track.

 

I'm not too innocent in this scenario either. Secretly, I was becoming interested in this other girl too, but it was one of those little infatuations you get when you're in a long-term relationship. I don't know if she knew about the other girl, but the other girl and I did nothing, nor did we ever hang out or talk intimately. I did not cheat and never will. Maybe she picked up on it? Maybe she saw me walking with her and it turned her off? Right now this is torturing my mind. After my girlfriend and I broke up, I wasn't interested in the other girl anymore, immediately, because I knew that what I had with my girl was more than any little infatuation.

 

I was having doubts about the relationship myself, but I was going to wait until we could hang out more -- until the stress died down -- to wait and see if the doubts remained or not. And then BAM, she broke up with me. In person, but it was rushed and after our last hour of the day got out. We didn't really get to talk about it. We texted about it a little bit, but then had a normal conversation and decided to give each other space. So, we didn't talk for several days, but then continued to contact each other after some drama happened with her friend uninviting me to a party. We went to lunch together to catch up after giving each other a lot of space, and it went really well. We had an awesome time and when we started to have a serious conversation about our break-up, we even held hands accross the table for a bit. I saw her next at a party, and that went all right, but it was a little awkward.

 

Next thing I know, I hear from a lot of people that this new guy is all she talks about. I didn't say anything about it to her, but then she randomly texts me and tells me that she doesn't like this guy, and he had absolutely nothing to do with the break-up. It might've been just to save her reputation, but I honestly don't know.

 

About a week later, we hung out. It was awesome. We had so much fun, we were flirty (the flirtyness started by her) and she was acting affectionate. I wish I would've kissed her then, but I let that opportunity slip up. After, though, I tried to be flirty and I felt like I was being shut down. So, I started to act cold for a bit and went into NIC, and then she tried to be flirty with me. I felt like I was being led on, so then I told her I want to collect my stuff and -- after looking at Zorba's advice on here -- I told her I didn't want to be friends. That didn't go over well. In a way, it got her to be honest with me about why for the most part we broke up, but it might've hurt her a bit. The three main points were: 1) the emotional distance between us lately, 2) she wanted to hang around her friends more + committment issues, and 3) religion.

 

I caved on the friends thing about two days in and we've been having random conversations where I feel like I'm being breadcrumbed. I think this guy is also in the picture and she's falling for him more everyday.

 

I told her I wanted to go on a walk when she got home from camping and that walk is tomorrow night. I told her I wanted to be honest with her about how I feel about her (very strongly). So, that's what I feel like I'm going to do. If it doesn't work, I think I'm going to go into NC.

 

So far, I've agreed to the break-up, not really made an earnest attempt to fight for her, and acted like I was trying to move on when in her presence, and on Facebook. I've apologized to many of our family and friends about the religion debates, and I sincerely mean those apologies. I've gotten my popular appeal back.

 

It's been a little over a month now since we've broken up. I really want to get back together with her and I have since the start.

 

Advice?

[Pleasedonot5]

I know I probably make myself look badly and immature but I honestly feel like this girl is the love of my life and that she's falling for some other guy instead of me. I've had very long relationships before and stuff but this one definitely hurts the most. I sit around all day and think about things. I dream about us getting back together constantly and then wake up to this nightmare that I'm living in now. I've never felt like this before. I have no motivation to do anything unless it has to do with getting back with her... and then I usually screw things up. My heart's completely shattered and we have the whole next year where I'm going to see her almost every day at school! And even when she's done with this other guy, I don't see any miracles happening! If at least not now, then I hope the future, but I hate leaving everything be and then hoping for the best.

 

I could date around, but then I would be rebounding and my next relationship would be miserable. She and I are tooooo compatible together with the way we act for me to forget her and be open to other relationships anytime soon. And yet she's probably having the time of her life with this guy.

 

Ahhh I'm so stressed right now. I really would appreciate some input. And yes, I want her back, and I want the next time to be for forever. I don't want to just move on and have it be at that. I want to know what to do so that at least I can get with her in the future.

[tallydoo]

I'm worried. This walk could be a very, very, very bad idea. If you feel like it would give you more peace of mind, go, say what you need to, and then leave graciously. She may not give you the response you want, and I just want you to be prepared for that. If you're not, then call it off.

 

I also worry about the three issues you listed off. How are you going to fix those? You're both really young, and it's pretty much a given that you guys are going to want to explore other people and opportunities. And religion gaps can sometimes be really hard to cross. So just give that a lot of thought before tomorrow, and be prepared to discuss them.

 

My advice would be to take some time off from her. Don't talk to her, don't hang out with her, don't see her. Pick up some new things this summer and start healing and moving on. I'd even almost wait until college...what if you guys go to separate schools and end up breaking up then?

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I know it hurts. I just don't want you to get hurt worse.

[Pleasedonot5]

Yeah, I don't know either. I'm 100% sure of my feelings for her, but I'm not ever sure of what I should do, and that usually leads to emotional post-break-up screw-ups. The way I see it though, is that I already made the plans with her, and I don't want to push tensions up by just saying that we can't go for the walk either.

 

I don't think I'll be too hurt any further from the walk, but I don't want to lose my dignity and therefore my chances of getting back together in the future. So, I may just tell her that I want to fight for her and spill my guts, but I don't want to if I don't have any chance and she's with this other guy either. If she tells me she has her mind set on this other guy, then I won't say anything and I'll just hang out with her this last time and perhaps just try to act attractively and sort out the abovementioned issues with the relationship but not tell her my feelings for her.

 

The religion thing came, at least she told me, from not being able to tell me about the "wonderful things about God." I assured her she could tell me, because I sincerely do find it interesting. I could compare her feelings with past feelings that I had when I was more religious. But, the problem is her realizing that she can tell me that stuff, because I can't just talk myself into that. It confuses me, because it was never an apparent problem in our long-term relationship before this point.

 

If she wanted to explore around or be free for the summer, then yeah, I have a problem with it, but then I would figure we would probably end up together in the future after I made her work for it. The problem is it's just not that -- there are other factors. I'm in love with her to the point where I would want to get back with her in the future. Yes, she hurt me and I wouldn't make it easy for her, but everyone (including me) makes mistakes (like with the religion debate thing). I'm able to forgive.

 

She's staying at home for a near-by community college and I don't think I'm going to go more than an hour away from home, so the college thing wouldn't be as bad as you think. But, I appreciate your advice, tally. It means a lot that you care about my well-being.

[tallydoo]

If she tells me she has her mind set on this other guy, then I won't say anything and I'll just hang out with her this last time and perhaps just try to act attractively and sort out the abovementioned issues with the relationship but not tell her my feelings for her.

 

Do this. If she's still with the other guy, just keep it light and don't even bring up the relationship (save that for a reconciliation talk if the opportunity arises). Then leave with your dignity, drop out of her life and move on.

 

(Just curious--is the new guy religious at all?)

 

And believe me, I know where you're coming from. But it sounds like you're probably going to have to let her go for a while. Take advantage of the time apart to do some exploring yourself: find some new hobbies, go on a few dates (no relationships if you're not ready though), and just generally work on growing as a person. And then maybe it can work out.

[Pleasedonot5]

Yes, the guy is a Lutheran. It's funny, because I've been friends with him before -- always thought he reminds me of myself, minus that I'm a bit more of a social butterfly than him. Yay! A new guy that's just like me + a religion bonus. -.-

 

The new guy is also going 3+ hours away for college in a few months, so the best they could hope for is a long-distance relationship. I don't think that it will work out between them, but hey, you never know. And the best part -- I'll see her almost every day at school.

 

But, I think I'm also going to talk to her and try to resolve some of the problems that are now apparent in our relationship. Talk to her about how I've improved my persona, and about how we were feeling at certain points in our relationship. If she's with this other guy, I won't tell her about how I feel about her, though. Got to save my dignity.

 

Good idea?

[tallydoo]

I literally did the exact same thing in a very similar situation. It didn't work out the way I wanted it to, but I at least had the peace of mind knowing that I did everything in my power (while still maintaining my composure and dignity, of course) to save our relationship. It completely put the ball in his court and I was able to start moving on.

 

If it's something you really want to do, go for it. Just as long as you're ready and you know what you're getting into.

 

I'll be sending you good vibes for tonight!

[Milan175]

Whatever you do, DO NOT talk about new guy, pretend if you must, just say cool or something and change subject. She will repsect you more if you accept it, rather than be angry with him.

You need to give her time, time that you both need. Most probably she will miss you. No one can tell.

 

About the issues between you...Religion can be hard to overcome. I had the same issue with my, now ex, girfriend. I tried to change, go to church every Sunday with her, everything she did, and it worked. But only some limited time. I am not atheist, but I have different means to show it. It is one of the big obstacles between us.

 

Other issues can be resolved, but the question is...for how long can you be a different person...1 month, 2, 6...? You are going to change back.

I am not telling you should abandon the efforts, just think ,as others said, about (your) future.

[Pleasedonot5]

Tally,

 

Yeah, I know I will have regrets and be caught in limbo if I didn't try to show her that I've worked on my issues over the time we've been apart, and shown her that I would be willing to fight for her (because I really haven't tried to do anything besides say, "I want you back," once, two days after the BU.). After this I know I can at least clear my conscience... reconciliation then becomes her issue and not mine.

 

I can only hope that our compatibility drives us together in the future, but I can't expect that to happen. I have commitment issues myself that have affected past relationships, but never has that once ever been a problem with me for her.

 

Sincerely, thank you for your advice and support. I'll let you know how it goes!

 

Milan,

 

I have rarely brought up the other guy with her (except for once in a very very small way). I played that card right

 

I am an atheist, though I have come to realize that that word has a very negative stigma attached to it, so now I'm just going to tell our friends that I'm secular/non-religious and leave it at that. Because religion had never been a problem before in our relationship, I was surprised when it was brought up. This break-up really hurt me, and you can tell because I actually prayed for guidance and help from whatever higher power may be out there. I really did "pray to a god that I don't believe in." The BU really did change my outlook on things though and I am more open to religion (I would be willing to have my children go to religious ceremonies, get married in a church, etc.), so while my views aren't changed too much, I am improved in a way. I wouldn't pretend to be something I'm not, believe me.

 

But, I have to be honest with her and have her be honest with me, more than anything. While I truly love this girl more than anything in the world, I also know that without honesty, no relationship can survive. As stated above, honesty became a problem in our relationship. If she can't be honest with me about this guy that she's with now, then unless she works on that problem, I can't ever see myself back with her -- her future relationships will most likely suffer and end in the same way. I have confidence that she will be honest with me about this though, if that means anything. Let's hope it does. Otherwise, that's a problem she really has to work on. So, in a way, I do have to ask if there's "someone else" and if I have no shot at fighting for her and winning her back or not.

[tallydoo]

Then go for it. But you don't even have to ask about the other guy--she'll most likely let you know, whether it's direct or not. She might let something slip, or say something vague (I got "I've moved on past fixing this...I'm sorry" and that's when I knew), or just act differently, but she'll let you know. She knows exactly what your game is, and if she has any respect for you at all, she'll tell you in some way, shape, or form that she's just not interested anymore (or that she is).

[Pleasedonot5]

I'm not sure if she knows that I really want to get back together with her. She knows I was hurt by the break up, and she thinks that I'm trying to move on / be her friend, from what she has said. Unless mutual friends have let something slip (which is unfortunately a possibility) then she doesn't know that I want to reconcile, just that I want to talk about "the way I feel about things."

 

She has been trying to hide the guy from me though, perhaps to spare my feelings. I don't know if it will be any different unless I ask if there's someone else in the picture, and if I have a shot to fight for her or not. Because I've been feeling breadcrumbed, maybe she'll give me the honest opportunity to tell her my feelings for her. Maybe not.

[Pleasedonot5]

The walk went very well actually. We were very honest with each other and connected on a very deep level. A few things I found out were: she has feelings for me, she's not with this other guy. They hooked up once apparently but she admitted that he was her rebound and she feels nothing there with him. She even said that I was better than him (ego booster ). We worked out and connected on a deep level the problems with religion. She was very happy to hear about the apology letters, and was very happy with the improvements I've made. I made her laugh a lot and we held each other when we were having intimate moments. We talked about how we were feeling and I made my intentions clear. I think she was moved by it, but said she couldn't have a relationship right now because she would want to have me back for the right reasons. She says that no other guy compares to me and she finds flaws with every one. She says her family misses me and always talks about me. She feels guilty about everything, but I assured her that everything was okay and told her not to feel guilty. She did bring up a concern though. A part of the reason for her commitment issues has to do with colleges -- she does not want to have to go through this again because of going to different colleges, but I tried to tell her how we could make it work because we wouldn't be far away. We've agreed to time and space and have decided to go NC for a few months to heal. I don't know how this will turn out, but I miss her already. When I was leaving I walked her to the door and she said, "see, it's the little things like that that no other guy does," and she started crying. Before that, she didn't want to let go of me when we hugged. Gahh this NC is going to suck -- I hope she gets over the college thing so we can get back together in the future. She and I made it clear that each one of us was one of a kind and this whole thing sucks. But yeah, idk. I hope she misses me.

[abitbroken]

I find it curious for her to say that she broke up with you due to religious differences and yet she was sleeping with you and hooking up with someone else. I think that was just really an excuse and she felt the grass was greener. I think she will have a special place in your memory as your first love, but I hope you take time for yourself to heal. Sometimes when we go back to first loves we excuse all the negative things or incompatible things just to be with them. You will meet someone down the line that wants to be with you and only you.

[Pleasedonot5]

Trust me when I say she was honest about the religious differences, and how we connected. The break-up definitely was needed, and I am glad that the guy was just a rebound rather than a continued interest. She didn't cheat on me and honestly I think this walk/talk made me realize that we're even more compatible than I first thought, because the way we were feeling about things was similar. I sincerely understand why she's upset about colleges, but that honestly is an issue we could resolve easily and make work. I will take time to heal myself, but I hope that she misses me as more than a friend when we're apart and in NC. Gahh I love this chick too much dude.

[Pleasedonot5]

So I think I've figured out that she's afraid that this kind of situation will happen again... and in fact her uncertainty scares me in a way. I know that if we were back together, we would be able to learn from our past mistakes and keep things from turning sour, even when we're stressed and meeting new people.

 

How to give her the same assurance that I have... now that's something that I would need advice on.