Just pissed off! [a rant.]

[brickheart]

In a few words, my ex broke up with me because he couldn't deal with our "dysfunctional" relationship. (It was his first relationship ever.) Since I'm easily persuadable, I started to believe that the relationship was indeed dysfunctional - but looking back, I've come to realize that it wasn't bad at all. As everyone can agree, arguing is a natural (if unfortunate) part of any relationship. Particularly since both my ex and I acknowledged personal issues we needed to work on (preferably with a therapist, though my ex had decided he didn't want to see one).

 

For a few days, I was sad that my ex broke up with me, but yesterday I started being just plain angry. Genuinely pissed off. My ex and I were in a long-term committed relationship! Regardless of how few months we'd been together, that means that we were supposed to help each other. Where does he get off breaking up with me because of our personal issues? I was willing to work on my issues and help him with his - why wasn't he willing to do the same?!

 

I'm so pissed off that I fell in love with him, then he decided I wasn't good enough because we "argue too much" and dumped me to find the perfect girl who will never argue with him and has no personal issues (and doesn't mind that he does). Good luck with that, buddy. We could have had a great future together if he'd committed to working on our issues as a couple. I will assume he doesn't know any better - he's very naive and inexperienced - but that doesn't make me feel any less pissed off.

 

Is this a sign that I'm getting over him? God, I hope so. I realize this means I'm not ready to date yet since I'm still thinking about him all the time, but at least I'm not consumed by sadness. I feel a little guilty - I do want to be friends with him eventually. Don't think I'd reconcile, even though we still love each other - he just doesn't get it, and I think he really does need to get some perspective by dating other people. But right now, I have to admit that it feels great to stomp on my image of him a little bit!

Can anyone else relate?

 

ETA: on reflection, I'd prefer to be apathetic... this whole anger thing is not doing me any good. But maybe it's better than being sad? What do you guys think?

[Ms Darcy]

Essentially, both he and I are very cynical and pessimistic, and we tend to assume the worst in others. This led to constant arguments. I'm definitely worse about that than he is. We've talked several times about how wearisome it is to argue ALL the time, but unfortunately, I continued in the same pattern even after we "broke up" for the first time three weeks ago. On Friday, he broke up with me for good, and it FINALLY hit home - I need to change my behavior. Unfortunately, it's too late for the relationship, and I'm wracked with guilt and regret that I didn't change sooner.

 

How can I heal when I DID have a second chance, and I blew it? I wake up every morning and think all day about how I just want another chance to show him that I'm actively changing now.

 

Well, I'm back... we broke up, got back together, and yesterday he broke up with me again after I had been out of town for a four-day weekend. ... I hate that I drove him away... Yes, he played a role, but it was primarily me who started petty arguments and ruined the good thing we had. I'm so unhappy... He told me that while he's going to take a while to get over me, ultimately he will be searching for another relationship. I just hate the thought of him sharing himself with another woman... we were so intimate, emotionally and physically. I wish I could have gotten my act together before he broke up with me again... We were doing so well! Why did I have to sabotage the relationship twice?

 

I want to figure out why I act this way with both romantic and platonic relationships... the closer I get to someone, the worse I treat them. Why can't it be the other way around? I do want to learn my lesson for next time, but I wish I didn't have to. Our six-month anniversary is/was just around the corner (the 28th), and he was planning something really sweet. Why couldn't I have made it? I'm so sad.

 

Yeah, in some ways that was a problem for me, too... My guy did want to be in a relationship, but he just felt that it wouldn't work out with me (which makes me feel like I'm the broken one). I'm glad he didn't continue dating me out of pity ... I just sabotaged the relationship so consistently with arguments. I'm trying to remember that he was involved in our downfall, too, but it's really hard not to blame myself completely.

 

ETA: I think this is especially hard because, as he himself said during the breakup, we were both so lonely and eager to be in a relationship with someone. We wanted companionship with someone who understood us - even if it came at the price of all this misery/argumentativeness.

 

I think all you have to do is read your past threads to realize that you two are better off broken up. You seem incompatible. Constant arguments is a sign of incompatibility ... that you fundamentally think differently.

[brickheart]

To be honest, I think we thought too much alike - as in our identical pessimism, negativity, etc. I'm definitely not denying that we're better off broken up, though I don't know if it's because we think differently... I think we could have worked through this "incompatibility." But that's irrelevant. Does it seem like I'm blaming my ex? I guess I am. I was 100% willing to work on my personal issues and our issues as a couple.

 

Personally (and this could be my naivete speaking), I think that a lot of whether a couple works out comes down to whether they're willing to work on the relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

Personally (and this could be my naivete speaking), I think that a lot of whether a couple works out comes down to whether they're willing to work on the relationship.

 

I think that can be true after a few years together. Then things start to get old. But you need a few happy years under your belt to establish that commitment. Otherwise, you are just trying desperately not to be alone.

[brickheart]

And that is a great reason not to move as fast as we did. : )

[lovinggirl]

I think whatever emotion you're feeling now is valid---angry, sad, denying....

And seems like you admit that you sabotage your own relationship and you treated him bad.

When my bf and I were separated, I was feeling the same, angry, worried if he dated another girl, but I told myself over and over again, I wasn't ready to be in relationship and if we got back together, it's going to be same pain, same issues, and the same result (breaking-up again). So I just waited and tried to understand myself more. Well, I believe in faith and God. If we're meant to be together, then God somehow would show us the way to be together again, if we're not, I always believe God has a better man for me. It takes a lot faith and courage...and I wasn't always positive, there were times when it was so dark and low, and it'd get better with time...and prayers.

[brickheart]

Well, first of all, yes - I agree that I sort of projected my own issues onto him. I also believe he did the same to me. We are both broken and imperfect individuals, and it showed.

 

Second... I'm an atheist, but I have the same thought process. We cannot date again because we will have the same issues. If we ever get together again it will be in the distant future, after my ex has become a wiser man and I've become a wiser woman. Otherwise, there is someone better for me out there. Either way, the end of this relationship has been a catalyst for me to improve myself physically, mentally, emotionally; to help out more in my community; and overall to enrich my life. I'm hopeful that I'm using my life much better than I was before I met my ex.

 

Thanks for your post.

[DN]

It is important to accept that an ex has the right to their own viewpoint. We may think the relationship wasn't dysfunctional but if they do then it was for them and their view is just as valid as ours. Basically, you are getting angry because he doesn't agree with how you see things and that is pointless.

[brickheart]

No, I agree. I can't change his viewpoint and I'm not going to try to. But I think my own viewpoint is valid, too - that is to say, the viewpoint that a couple can work through their issues if they want to. N'est-ce pas? I guess my main reason for getting angry is because we don't have the same viewpoint.

 

I was actually really good (IMHO : P) about not arguing after he ended the relationship. I didn't whine or say "are you sure?" I just trusted that he knew his own mind and had thought things through well enough to know what he was talking about.

[DN]

Of course your viewpoint is valid. But anger will not serve you in this situation.

[brickheart]

Well, I can't help it... it's one of those phase thingies. Hopefully I'll cycle past this just like I cycled through sadness (and hopefully won't be going back...). I'm ready to move onto apathy, I really am!

[bulletproof]

No, I agree. I can't change his viewpoint and I'm not going to try to. But I think my own viewpoint is valid, too - that is to say, the viewpoint that a couple can work through their issues if they want to.

 

Your viewpoint would be more valid if you had dated for a longer period of time. If a couple is fighting often and they haven't been together for even a year, it seems pointless to get therapists involved, work through issues, etc. There is no history, no marriage, no kids- it just makes more sense to find someone that is more compatible instead of trying to make something that's not working, work. Also, both people have to want to work through their issues. In this case, it sounds like he didn't think the short relationship was worth it.

[brickheart]

Right. We shouldn't have moved as fast as we did, and I've learned from that. We fell in love and skipped right through the honeymoon phase. I guess my viewpoint stems from the idea that an emotional investment is still an investment, regardless of whether it's been months or years. Both members of the relationship need to make an effort before they give up. Again, though, that's just my viewpoint. It's probably too traditional for someone like me...

 

And yes, I definitely agree - if both people don't want to work on the issues, it's not going to work.

[brickheart]

Update... I feel racked with guilt again.

[Mellie]

You will do. And then you'll feel sad again. And then you'll feel angry. And you'll go around and around but as you're going, the load's being shed and, in time, the weight of it will grow gradually lighter. If you let it.

 

You can sit and analyse everything til the cows come home. It's great to learn lessons and realise how to apply these to future situations, but looking back on past ones and willing them to change is just a waste of time. Time is precious.

 

You can't get the ex out of your head? There are ways. Make a list of all the things you need to do. Housework, chores, cleaning the car, whatever. Then make a list of all the things you'd like to do. Watch a movie, take up a hobby, go skydiving, whatever. The most daring and out there, the better. Sprinkle one list over the other, then in your spare time, start to work through them. I'm not saying you shouldn't be thinking about your ex. I don't think it's good to repress feelings. But it's no good allowing them to consume you. I'm keeping a journal. I write in it for 30 minutes a day. That's my dwelling time. I know my ex isn't as cut up as I am. I know he isn't trawling forums looking for relationship advice. I get that he just wasn't into me. Yes, that sucks, but oh well. What can ya do? Maybe you could use this little period of introspection to push yourself to be the best possible version of yourself. Initially to show him (I don't deny that's my motive) but eventually you'll wind up showing you - I guarantee it.

[brickheart]

Thanks, Mellie. I do hope it's a spiral rather than a circle. I don't feel like I have any control whatsoever over my emotions right now - they come and go as they will, and I'm pretty sure I don't have any say in when they go. As far as skydiving goes... I've been! And I got sick to my stomach. Any other ideas about daring activities to get over the ex?