Jealous of my girlfriend's confidence.?

[emperor]

My girlfriend is very confident when it comes to men and she admits it and this has lead her in a position that she has never been without a boyfriend for more than a month. I have no confidence with girls at all. Of course it's probably one reason that we are together. She is confident, I'm not so she made the move and "voila". The weird thing is that I'm jealous of that. I'm having thoughts like "why aren't I like that too? I'd like to be this way too. Be confident and never stay alone like she has been in the past and be able to remove the feeling of being shy and meet new women."

And this thought is spining all the time in my mind and I seem not to be able to reject it. It drives me crazy sometimes..!!! It leads me to wrong conclusions like "I didn't have the best out of my time" and stuff like that. Or it even makes me compare myself with her ex boyfriends some of which used to be guys that chased her a lot, buttering her up this way and chasing her until the end while I would never do that (probably due to advanced egoism). So I compare myself with them and I think "why aren't like them? Weren't these things meant to be fun?"

 

What do you guys think about that?

[Slade]

She likes you enough that she pretty much jumped you. Her exs are exs for a reason. Why compare yourself to the ones that failed?

[emperor]

I guess cause I didn't do anything and she came to me by herself. I compare myself to others because I see that they are active and I am not. If she hadn't come to me I would have never done anything with her. So I guess I compare myself because I have a passive stance while others chase what they want. am I right?

[LanceVanceDance]

"Never being alone" is not something to brag about. I'm currently single but in the past months I have declined several offers to be someone's boyfriend or to have another date, because I wasn't interested enough. I could easily have accepted said offers and I wouldn't have spent any time alone, but would it have been fulfilling for me and fair to the woman? No, definitely not.

 

So you shouldn't worry about that. Quality over quantity!

 

As for being shy it is something that never truly goes away, but you'd be amazed by the amount of people who are great, confident speakers, yet confess to being shy. You can not totally erase your shyness, but you can improve it, all it takes is practice.

[pl3asehelp]

I think your girlfriend is the opposite of confident - she's insecure. That's why she can't stand to be alone - ever. She might even believe her own fantasy, but that doesn't mean you have to. If you decide to stay with her, expect lots of drama, other guys in the picture she calls friends who obviously want to f her, lots of criticism directed at you, high-maintenance attitude, etc.

[emperor]

"Never being alone" is not something to brag about. I'm currently single but in the past months I have declined several offers to be someone's boyfriend or to have another date, because I wasn't interested enough. I could easily have accepted said offers and I wouldn't have spent any time alone, but would it have been fulfilling for me and fair to the woman? No, definitely not.

 

So you shouldn't worry about that. Quality over quantity!

 

As for being shy it is something that never truly goes away, but you'd be amazed by the amount of people who are great, confident speakers, yet confess to being shy. You can not totally erase your shyness, but you can improve it, all it takes is practice.

 

Well let's just say that she didn't decline offers in the past but chose to be in open relationships. I think 'cause she didn't want to be totaly envolved with someone after a lond term relationship but on the other hand you need to have sex. So in this way, she always had someone to be "busy" with and being in an open relationship is not fulfilling for anyone and fair for both, isn't it?? what do you think?

[emperor]

I think your girlfriend is the opposite of confident - she's insecure. That's why she can't stand to be alone - ever. She might even believe her own fantasy, but that doesn't mean you have to. If you decide to stay with her, expect lots of drama, other guys in the picture she calls friends who obviously want to f her, lots of criticism directed at you, high-maintenance attitude, etc.

 

Do yu think so ?? I'm only asking 'cause whatever she does is always honest. I mean, she's jealous? She'll tell. She loves you, she'll tell again. She wants only sex from you? She'll definitely tell again. Are these people insecure or confident?

[pl3asehelp]

Do yu think so ?? I'm only asking 'cause whatever she does is always honest. I mean, she's jealous? She'll tell. She loves you, she'll tell again. She wants only sex from you? She'll definitely tell again. Are these people insecure or confident?

 

Based on these observations all you know is that she is quick to verbalize what she wants, or thinks she wants. You certainly don't know if it's honest. For example, many people will tell someone they only want sex when they actually want more because they don't think they deserve more or are scared of being rejected - this is extremely common and happens all the time. See 90% of friends with benefits stories.

 

Based on her bragging that she always has a boyfriend, I think she is under the incorrect assumption that people in relationships are somehow superior to those that are not. Why does she think that way? I say insecurity. She needs trophies (relationship) to prove her worth to the world and to herself. To go from relationship to relationship without any gap in between can demonstrate you are scared to be alone because you don't value yourself as an individual, which to me is insecurity.

[Coconut Twin]

Too true that.

[emperor]

Thanks for you reply! Well you may be right. I'll try to be the "devil's advocate" a little bit though and say this: how about if she just likes dating men? and it's not an outcome of low self confidence but it's just the way it is??

 

I don't know if it's useful but let me mention it: She's 26 and a half and before me she has had 5 proper relationships (one of which lasted for 4 years), 3 free relationship (not proper commitment) and 2 one night stands (one of which was with a 47 year old guy, when she 23 -O M G). Based on what she says and on my assumptions whatever she has done was honest as in "I want this and nothing more" or "I want more things" etc. But what I realized is that she always had someone to play around with. Once I asked her "which persons do you finally commit to or do something less serious" and she replied "the people that insist". So I assumed that there have been people around that chased her a lot. That probably butters her up. And that was what i was jealous about: the thing that there are people out there that insist on women until the end (which is not probably bad). But I ever acted this way (cause I'm shy and a little bit egoist ) so most of the time I stayed alone.

 

Now whatever has to do with me I think that she extremely in love with me. She has told me soooo many things she has opened her heart she had been honest and I'm not sure that there is something I can blame her about ( apart from the fact that that her ex was calling her in the middle of the night. But she handled it well and it's gone now). You were right thought that there is a lot of criticism towards me and a LOT of high-maintenance attitude. She's also insecure all the time that another women might take me from her but I guess this is an out come of love isn't it?

 

I'm kinda confused... I think all this works like a boomerang and hits me back devastating my confidence cause it always makes me think in a way "I've always been low profile, never been active like the people she dealt with"...

 

Cheers!

[Doc Blaze]

kinda sounds like the monkey branch theory to me a little bit...she always keeps options available so that if one fails, there will be another guy to quickly pick her up

[pl3asehelp]

Well, maybe she does just like dating men and it's not rooted in insecurity, but why would that make her confident? I like drinking Belgian beer, so I drink Belgian beer - I don't think this fact has anything to do with my confidence. It's not hard for women to date men - it's hard for them to date good men and be in good relationships.

 

Another thing to think about is that if she's always in a relationship, it would seem pretty unlikely that she cares much about who she is in a relationship with. Finding a good match is hard, what are the chances that you just find one after another, after another, back to back and they're all so good that you'd get into a relationship with them? I say not good unless of course you just don't care and any man will do.

 

I think you have her on a pedestal she doesn't deserve to be on and with an imbalance like that, I would doubt this will continue to be a satisfying relationship for you. It will be dramatic and exciting, but with that comes stress and like you mentioned, blows to your own confidence.

[LanceVanceDance]

Well let's just say that she didn't decline offers in the past but chose to be in open relationships. I think 'cause she didn't want to be totaly envolved with someone after a lond term relationship but on the other hand you need to have sex. So in this way, she always had someone to be "busy" with and being in an open relationship is not fulfilling for anyone and fair for both, isn't it?? what do you think?

 

If both partners agree it's an "open relationship" and are happy with it I don't see a problem.

 

In any case your purpose in dating and relationships is not to have as many women as possible, but rather to have quality relationships.

[emperor]

That's totally right. What I'm giving attention to though, is that of course it's hard to find someone to be a good match but doesn't the fact that she's not afraid to try makes her confident?? i mean in a way "OK I don't know if this is the right person for me or this period of my life I don't like commitments but why not try or why not have someone to spend my time with (granted that he wants the same thing too)?? Isn't it more fun to have someone to have fun with? Isn't life about having fun?"

These are the thoughts that spin in my head all the time and I'm comparing myself to her and her ex guys (who used to chase her a lot, while I didn't) that I used to stay single for a long time and I blame myself for that. I would never chase any girl until the end, I would get bored or my ego would be "offended" let's say.

She's not afraid to try things while I am. Her ex-es would chase her and I would not. I feel totally passive and not active.

 

What made me feel really "disarmed" is that when it came to me she said "I didn't care what you thought. Since I liked you, everything else was insignificant". Is that a thought of a confident person or a thought of an egoistical person.

 

All these things in my head make me feel insecure....

 

I don't know if I'm right or wrong I need your opinion. She might indeed be insecure but I'm putting all my thought here so you can see what I think and get confused.....

 

Thank you for you reply ..!!!

[emperor]

If both partners agree it's an "open relationship" and are happy with it I don't see a problem.

 

In any case your purpose in dating and relationships is not to have as many women as possible, but rather to have quality relationships.

 

I'm not sure but I think her purpose was to have someone to be and have fun with.

 

What I'm trying to sort out is why am I feeling jealous of her confidence if she is indeed.... I'm feeling confused about it.

[pl3asehelp]

Being afraid to try and constantly being in a relationship are opposite ends of the spectrum. In the middle you have people that are happy with who they are and value themselves, which to me is confidence, and those people care enough about themselves to know they deserve someone who is unique and special for them and those matches are hard to find. If you're confident, you don't need to be in a relationship to have fun because you have a fun and fulfilling life which is completely independent of whether you are in a relationship or not. Maybe you stayed single for longer periods of time out of fear or insecurity and you envy these ex's because you think they had something you don't and you could certainly be right there, but to extrapolate your experience onto her and think she has confidence because she behaves in a way you were afraid to is more about you that it is about her. You are seeing her and making assumptions in relation to yourself.

[emperor]

Yes, I think you are right. I stayed single for a long time out of insecurity and fear and I envy the ex's because they haven't been like this at all...and yes, probably this all has to do about me not about her. There shouldn't be any problem with people's character should they? There are always gonna be people that had the chance - ability to hook up and date without feeling insecurity right? It probably have to do about my confidence right? I probably can't handle the fact that I'm not secure like they've been... right?

[pl3asehelp]

Yes, I think you are right. I stayed single for a long time out of insecurity and fear and I envy the ex's because they haven't been like this at all...and yes, probably this all has to do about me not about her. There shouldn't be any problem with people's character should they? There are always gonna be people that had the chance - ability to hook up and date without feeling insecurity right? It probably have to do about my confidence right? I probably can't handle the fact that I'm not secure like they've been... right?

 

No, what I'm saying is I think you're making a mistake by assuming that because your gf and her ex's have behaved in a different way than you (constantly jumping into relationships) that it means they are secure and confident. The reason YOU were single was because you were afraid and insecure and you're taking your experience and transferring it to these other people and thinking 'well since I wasn't in relationships because of fear, and these people are always in relationships, they must be secure, fearless, and confident'. I think they're just like you, but instead of dealing with it by being single, they dealt with it by jumping into a relationship with anyone with a pulse which is as bad or worse than staying single out of fear.

[emperor]

No, what I'm saying is I think you're making a mistake by assuming that because your gf and her ex's have behaved in a different way than you (constantly jumping into relationships) that it means they are secure and confident. The reason YOU were single was because you were afraid and insecure and you're taking your experience and transferring it to these other people and thinking 'well since I wasn't in relationships because of fear, and these people are always in relationships, they must be secure, fearless, and confident'. I think they're just like you, but instead of dealing with it by being single, they dealt with it by jumping into a relationship with anyone with a pulse which is as bad or worse than staying single out of fear.

 

At least they DID something for their insecurity (by hooking up) while I didn't ( by staying alone).

And eventually I missed the fun, while they didn't. One way or another they gained something (experience etc.) didn't they?

[pl3asehelp]

At least they DID something for their insecurity (by hooking up) while I didn't ( by staying alone).

And eventually I missed the fun, while they didn't. One way or another they gained something (experience etc.) didn't they?

 

I don't see that there's anything to be gained by being in a crappy relationship with someone you're not a good match for and I don't think it would be fun either - lots of drama, stress, and fighting all for a dead end relationship. And I think you lose a lot to in terms of not developing yourself as an independent person. If you admire them and think they're better than you because they're different than you, by all means emulate them, but I doubt that will make you any happier for all the reasons I've already mentioned.

[emperor]

I see...

 

Wouldn't you gain experience and fun by dating people and be in "free relationships" too (just date them and have occasional sex)?? She had been doing this too and I'd like to have done it too.. but I neer felt sure about myself in order to do it...

[pl3asehelp]

I see...

 

Wouldn't you gain experience and fun by dating people and be in "free relationships" too (just date them and have occasional sex)?? She had been doing this too and I'd like to have done it too.. but I neer felt sure about myself in order to do it...

 

No, I don't depend on relationships to make my life fun. My life has always been as fun as I want it to be and that's always been regardless of being in a relationship or not. If you would find it fun to date and have sex with just anybody by all means, pursue that if you think it's going to make you happy, but just as you would not be doing it out of confidence, don't make the mistake of thinking others who do this are also confident. Like I've said, I think that's a choice of an unhappy and insecure person.

[emperor]

You seem very aware and perceptive!! Thanks a lot for the replies!! CHeers!