Boyfriend's mum

[babybear]

Hi I have been with my boyfriend over a year and have had ups and downs but for the last four or so months things have been really good and we have both been respectful of each other. I feel over time our relationship has progressed and I am glad I didn't give up on it early on despite some red flags.

 

One such red flag was that my boyfriend's ex girlfriend would cut his hair for him. I felt that this crossed my boundaries - I didn't want my boyfriend to spend 1:1 time with ex's at their houses, I also didn't want him to rely on ex's for anything, and also some weird things happened such as he called me by her name and he also said he felt uncomfortable seeing her kiss her new boyfriend. These issues made me think this whole thing was inappropriate. So I basically asked him to get his cut elsewhere but he didn't agree without a fight and almost 2 break-ups. The more he fought, the stronger I felt about the situation.

 

Anyway around March he went to a local barbers and got his haircut at a proper salon. No issues at all since then and we are now in July.

 

So anyway, he lives with his dad (his mum and dad divorced) so i know his dad really well but have only met his mum a handful of times so it is very much small talk when I do see her. Well last night me and my boyfriend went to her house for dinner with her, her new husband, me, my boyfriend and his sister. At the dinner table my boyfriend presented an old photo of himself about 6 years ago where he had really long hair and I said i didn't like the photo because his hair was really long back then. His mum then asked me the question "so *babybear* do you like his hair more now he's getting it cut at the local barbers?" I just replied yes. But I feel this was in fact a dig. I feel like she doesn't like me and thinks I'm controlling because I wasn't comfortable with the ex situation. But I feel like it was none of her business and it was months ago. And she said that to me in front of everyone at the dinner table. i felt humiliated. Just wondered about people's thoughts.

[Messiah]

That does sound kind of like a dig... Sorry to hear about your situation. Your boyfriend sounds a little insensitive, it's hard to know what his intentions are with his ex and I understand your concern. Maybe he really does just want to maintain an innocent friendship and see her occasionally for a haircut, but he should understand why that makes you nervous and should be sensitive to your feelings, especially after calling you by her name. How soon after they had broken up did he do that? Sometimes it's just a built in reflex to call the new person you spend time with by the one your more used to's name. Like when I was a kid I'm guilty of accidently calling my teacher "mom", and even more recently I accidently called my mom "baby" after using the nickname on my boyfriend for so long. Weird, but it was just some weird verbal reflex. And his mom sounds pretty rude from that incident, but I guess just try to be nice and "deal" with it if you feel he's worth it. Unfortunately in-laws are not always pleasant to be around.

[babybear]

Yeah the ex issue is resolved now between me and my boyfriend months ago - he no longer see's her and get's his hair cut elsewhere. It's been resolved for months and she just brought it up there I felt to humiliate me in front of everyone by asking me if I like his hair better now he goes to a salon. Basically asking me if I'm happy that I got my own way now - that's how I interpreted it. But I felt that it was so inappropriate and rude. Thing is I have only met this woman literally about 4 times - and this is our starting ground

[Messiah]

I think the thing about inlaws is sometimes they feel such a loyalty to their relatives that no one they date is ever good enough, and they'll certainly let you know.

[Ms Darcy]

I think that is a little gray and up to interpretation. For your own peace of mind, I wouldn't interpret it negatively.

[FYI]

When it comes to parents interfering in their child's relationship, there's always going to be a bias in most cases. My baby boy, my sweet little angel... she's always right, she's a gift to anyone of those jerks out there. My son is the most amazing man in the world; it couldn't be his fault. Sometimes parents can be yes people instead of really telling it like it is. Your boyfriend had no business being at that girl's house getting his haircut while you two are together. Calling you by her name and showing jealously at her new boyfriend doesn't make you feel better. Mom definitely snuck in a low blow at the table on you. But regardless of what she thinks it was still wrong on your boyfriend's behalf. Luckily you're not dating his Mom so you don't have to deal with that but so much. Sometimes it doesn't matter how great in a relationship you are and how much of a jerk the other half can be, you're still going to be not good enough in the eyes of the in laws. It's going to be your fault that you don't see this diamond shining in your jerk for a boyfriend or jerk for a girlfriend.